I'm SO grateful to find this thread! I'm new... again. I gained a lot of weight after I got married and stayed fat and unhappy in an abusive relationship. After all - no one else was ever going to love me.
Between March '07 and Aug '08 I spent almost every day here, counting calories and walking, then running. I lost 127lbs and wore a size 6/8 for the first time in - oh, EVER. I was running 2hrs, training for a marathon. And my lying, cheating husband left me anyway.
In '09, he convinced me to have elective surgery and he'd come back. I'm clearly an idiot. Over the past 3.5yrs, I've regained every pound, plus 11 more. I've become reclusive out of shame. Truly, SHAME. Everyone is so complimentary as you lose weight - no one says a word as it creeps back on. How embarrassing, to have gone through surgery and STILL regained it all. What kind of a LOSER does that to herself? This is the negative self-talk that has been so damaging.
And so, I begin again. I know I can do this - I've done it before. And as my confidence grows, I will take risks again - in life, and maybe in love. Maybe.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for starting this thread. Thank you for being here. Thank you for letting me join you.
ETA: I confess to being scared of still being unattractive when I'm fitter, even though I'm logically sure this isn't true.
I confess to keeping all of my size 6/8 clothes... just in case. Though they break my heart.
I confess to knowing EXACTLY how and why I got fat, stayed fat, lost weight and got fit, and regained. There is no excuse.
I confess that when I was slim and fit, almost everything in my life really was better, easier- it really, REALLY was.
I confess to so much shame that it has exhausted me, to the point where the ONLY thing left to do is get healthy or die.
Last edited by HeatherAngel; 01-06-2013 at 08:55 PM.
I only read the first page of this, so I don't know if I'm repeating others' confessions, haha.
I confess to having severe body image problems around people who are significantly smaller than me, especially if they are around my height or shorter, going so far as to lie about my weight to a good friend who is way smaller than me (both in height and weight). I told her I was around 125 (I do always look smaller than my actual weight), and now I'm closer to 145. I'm 5'2" and she's 5'0" and only about 100 pounds. I would feel ENORMOUS next to her and I hate that feeling. I already feel like King Kong around a friend who is 4'10" and 90 pounds. I actually was relieved when I didn't see her recently when she was going to come and visit me and then canceled. Relieved only because I knew I'd feel HUGE next to her right now.
I will go out of my way to not stand next to people who are smaller than me (as in the people mentioned above) in pictures or even sitting next to them in a group setting where I am convinced others will see me sitting next to someone tiny and svelte and notice how huge I am in comparison (yes, it really is all about me )
I have canceled a doc appointment before because I felt so ashamed of my weight gain and didn't want to be weighed in the doc's office.
I feel intensely jealous of people who have reached MY goal weight (people who are around my height and age especially). Jealous in a good way in that I don't resent them but I want to achieve the same thing.
I go out of my way to look for success stories of the people mentioned above (same height, age, weight goal) and get disappointed when I mostly see younger people or people who are 5'8" and started at 250 pounds and their goal weight is where I am now, etc.
These confessions are about more than weight loss - but I know that this baggage contributes to my inability to reach my goal thus far....
I confess that I am disappointed at what I have achieved in my life.
I confess that I always wanted to be more than a wife and mom like my own mother, and right now my life pretty much mimics hers. I confess that I hate that.
I confess that I never ever want to go back to my former career that I went to college for, got a master's degree for, worked at for 13 years, and got laid off from in 2011. I did it because my parents wanted me to have a "sensible and stable" job and would only pay for me to have a "sensible and stable" major in college, and I took a job in the field to support my family, but it was never something I was passionate about. It was a soul-killing kind of numbness that took me over after awhile. I want to do something I love or just stay at home and devote my time to my family (which is what I am doing now until I figure out what I want to be when I grow up).
I confess that even though I have an easier time going out in public than when I was at my high weight, I still balk at attending social events.
I confess that I run my errands outside of my neighborhood so that I won't run into people who know me.
I confess that I doubt if I will ever reach my goal weight.
I confess that sometimes I am lulled into thinking I look fitter/thinner/younger/prettier than I really do - and than something or someone will give me a reality check.
I confess that I have a book idea that's been mulling around mostly in my head and on a few notes of paper for the past 1 1/2 years, but I haven't been able to put pen to paper and actually write it. I confess it's been a dream of mine since the age of 10 to write a book, and I'm afraid I will never achieve that dream due to my own procrastination and laziness and lack of talent.
I confess that I think if I lose the weight, I will suddenly achieve all my dreams and finally be prepared to face the world as a successful person - even though I logically know the same social anxiety issues and emotional baggage will still be there.
These confessions are about more than weight loss - but I know that this baggage contributes to my inability to reach my goal thus far....
I confess that I am disappointed at what I have achieved in my life.
I confess that I always wanted to be more than a wife and mom like my own mother, and right now my life pretty much mimics hers. I confess that I hate that.
I confess that I never ever want to go back to my former career that I went to college for, got a master's degree for, worked at for 13 years, and got laid off from in 2011. I did it because my parents wanted me to have a "sensible and stable" job and would only pay for me to have a "sensible and stable" major in college, and I took a job in the field to support my family, but it was never something I was passionate about. It was a soul-killing kind of numbness that took me over after awhile. I want to do something I love or just stay at home and devote my time to my family (which is what I am doing now until I figure out what I want to be when I grow up).
I confess that even though I have an easier time going out in public than when I was at my high weight, I still balk at attending social events.
I confess that I run my errands outside of my neighborhood so that I won't run into people who know me.
I confess that I doubt if I will ever reach my goal weight.
I confess that sometimes I am lulled into thinking I look fitter/thinner/younger/prettier than I really do - and than something or someone will give me a reality check.
I confess that I have a book idea that's been mulling around mostly in my head and on a few notes of paper for the past 1 1/2 years, but I haven't been able to put pen to paper and actually write it. I confess it's been a dream of mine since the age of 10 to write a book, and I'm afraid I will never achieve that dream due to my own procrastination and laziness and lack of talent.
I confess that I think if I lose the weight, I will suddenly achieve all my dreams and finally be prepared to face the world as a successful person - even though I logically know the same social anxiety issues and emotional baggage will still be there.
Guacamole,
You just hit the nail on the head with your first sentence, (not to mention the rest). These are exactly the same issues I'm struggling with, and it's good to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't know what I want to be when I grow up and isn't satisfied with what I've done so far.
I live in a neighborhood that I swear is full of nothing but skinny joggers. (And I can't even make it through the beginning state of couch to 5k.) So it is SOOOO nice to finally come to this board and read posts that mirror EXACTLY how I feel.
I can even count how many times I read someone's confession and thought, "I thought I was the only one that felt that way." And I had to laugh at the "deserted island" scenario. I have thought about that one a lot!
My confessions:
-Ditto to many of the posts above. (I know - that is cheating.)
-I look at my tall, model thin beautiful children and I worry that they will someday wind up heavy like me.
-Part of me wants to be thin just because I feel like I embarrass my children when I go places with them. I know it isn't the truth (my daughters usually tell it like it is) but I still feel that way. My son is 17 so he rarely wants to hang out with mom anyway (what 17 year old boy does?) but I would really like to be thin for those few times I am around his peers.
-I am petrified this weight is not going to come off so I have often kept myself from trying.
I'm not in the 40's -- I'm in the 60's -- but reading these is inspirational because I think dealing with these fears head on helps us. So, here are my secret fears:
Having the doctor tell me to lose weight and then doing nothing to help me do it is frustrating. But since I know this is a trigger for her, I have avoided going to the doctor with a bad case of bronchitis because I knew she'd be displeased with all the weight I gained over the holidays. We're both at fault.
I worry that when I'm at someone's house, I will break the chair I'm sitting in. Worse, it's embarrassing when they politely but firmly provide me with a "special" chair so they don't risk me breaking one of their good chairs.
I had an insightful friend who said that I gained all of this weight to avoid being in relationships after getting hurt badly a couple of times. I worry that if and when I get to the point where a) I want to date and b) someone wants to date me that I'll get hurt again.......and might regain the weight.
I worry that I've being obese for so long that I've done permanent damage to my joints.
I worry that I'll lose my "fat" friends. We all have them -- other people who are heavy like we are and there's something in the misery loves company cliche. However, some of these people are very dear friends and I hope that we're able to keep those friendships going.
Enough worrying for the day. Thanks to all for being so open. Again, for me a lot of this weight loss journey is psychological and 3FC has made that part of it so much easier!
Oh this thread is really deep and Im glad I found it because so much of this still exsists after we lose the weight. My goal has been to dig deep and fix the underlining issue but I don't know what it is, where it came from, and how to reverse it. All I know is how to try and lose the weight. I can so relate to everyones fears and frustrations also. I have some of my own.
Im afraid that losing the weight will make me look older especially in the neck region. (There I said it been keeping that one in)
Im afraid I will just be skinny fat and still have the holes in my legs and rear.
The only thing I like about my body is my chest and I am afraid of losing them or sagging.
Im afraid to stop eating chocolate for fear of binging later during my progress.
Im afraid I have to much information about diets, food and the like that it holds back my progress.
Im afraid just like many of you that my daughter is following my footsteps.
Im deathly afraid of losing all the weight and gaining it all back.
Feels good to let that out into the universe. Thank you.
Guacamole. I feel the same about my job. I'm at the point where I want to make some changes in my professional life but I want the security that my job brings. I'm going to be aggressive with my bills and get myself in a financial position where I can take more risks. I would like to live in another country for a while but I don't know where to start. If I figure that out, I can work on the debt while figuring out my paperwork so that I can be ready as soon as the debt is paid off.
I have been wondering what next??? after I lose my weight, after I'm in the clothes I want to wear, when my style is updated, I'll be a thinner, well dressed 46 year old sitting at home alone.
I think my weight is a barrier to looking for a relationship but as I get closer to goal I feel that excuse slipping away and as I grasp for reasons I face the fact that it has never been my weight, and I need to figure out the real barrier.
It was way too easy to go back for more ice cream until DH and I split the whole thing.
After a year of eating healthy, I still sometimes just turn off that inner healthy voice, FitGirl is getting stronger but FatGirl still kicks her butt sometimes!
I'v lost it before and feel good and strong and then I stumble and fall and can't get back up. This has happened more then a few times and so I always wonder..what makes me think I won't stumble and fall again. Each time I fall it takes me longer and longer to recover and more to lose.
Hubby sees me start off on my journey and says with a smile "don't lose your boobs". He means to make a joke, but those things stick in your head.
I just registered to have a chance to participate in this awesome thread...
I am afraid of getting older - I turn 45 this spring and I am more apprehensive about this birthday than any other.
I confess that the job I am really good at, well trained at, that I have done for, oh, twenty years or so, just doesn't seem to be the right job for me anymore. I have no other skills to speak of, and I'm afraid I'm too old to be given a chance at something new.
I confess I was thrilled when DH thought it was a good time to quit my job (which I felt was sucking the life out of me), but now I'm scared I will either never have a good job again or will go back to what I'm good at, but hate.
I confess I feel I'm spoiled and ungrateful for the roof over my head, paid bills, great husband and beloved pets.
I confess I have no friends, and I'm lonely, but too scared of people to make any.
I confess I feel I should spend more time exercising now that I don't work, but I don't.
I'm afraid that I will get cocky and stop weighing myself and logging calories. I'm afraid I will fail.
I confess that watching "the biggest loser" makes me feel incredibly inadequate.
My ex left me in 2001 after 13 years of marriage for a 20 year-old. I'm remarried to a much better man and better off emotionally and financially. But... I still hate, literally hate, both of them. There, I said it.
the first steps on your new path 
