I am ashamed to attend family functions and haven't gone home to visit my family in 4 years because I am afraid they will see how big I got.
I am afraid my husband doesn't find me attractive any more, though he tells me every day he loves me now matter what size I am.
I hate looking at myself in the mirror...I lift up my hanging gut and tell myself what a "fat cow" I am.
I am terrified I will fail...every year I say the same thing about losing weight and just gain more.
I hate myself because I have body issues that deter from being intimate with my husband and don't want him touching me.
I have an inner "sucks to be you" moment when I see the mean girls I went to high school with who were thin now very large. It makes me want to yell at them and say how does it feel now that you are in my shoes!
Last, but not least...I make fat jokes about myself around other people before they can say them about me.
Whoa...tissue time! After reading all these posts it pains me to see many are going through the same thing, however it also gives me a glimmer of hope that I am not alone and there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel.
I have a little confession to make today. I hope no one minds that this is in a lot lighter vein than some of the deep soul-searching postings on this thread. Hugs and smiles to all of you, and remember you are beautiful and worthy at whatever size you're at!
I was over 2 miles into my morning walk/jog when I started to feel some pain in one foot. I looked down to discover that my shoes did not match. The aching foot was sporting an old running shoe.
I have very very very few photos with my daughter who is now TWENTY, because I was ashamed of the way I looked on film. I didn't feel that heavy, but to look at photos was torture, so I simple made sure I was taking the photos and not IN them.
I also have very few full body photos of my husband and I because I am this heavy.
The biggest heartbreak is knowing that 1)I will not get back my daughter's childhood to take pix with her no matter WHAT my size and 2) my beloved husband died 7 months ago to stage 4 kidney cancer, and I'll never be able to ever have a photograph with him either.
This was a great post to read because I can relate to this discussion. I secretly worry about what I will look like when I lose the weight. But I have also realized that the only times there are pictures of me with family and friends is when I have lost weight, which I have done twice in the past.
I don't want my wight to be the reason that stops me from doing the things I enjoy.
I confess that I have spent my entire life being overweight and have terrible self esteem issues as a result. I have never felt as good as other people.
I confess that I am 41, have never been married and have been in a series of unhealthy long term relationships over the past 20 years which I tolerated and stayed in much longer than I should have because I felt like no one else could love me because I was too fat. My last relationship (5 years, which ended 7 months ago) was with a man with serious anger issues who often screamed at me when he was angry. I was horribly unhappy, but I guess deep down inside I felt like I deserved it and couldn't do any better.
I confess that although I've lost 50 pounds, I hate my body and I am disgusted by the way I look naked. I have more cellulite than someone my size should and my bat wings prevent me from ever wearing sleeveless shirts in public even in the summertime.
I confess that the guy I dated a few months ago disappeared after we had sex for the first time after being super into me for months and I'm convinced that it's because he finally got a glimpse of my naked body.
I confess that because of the situation with the last guy (which completely broke my heart), I am not putting myself out there and have been very closed off to he possibility of meeting another guy. But I really want a relationship, so I have an agreement with myself that I am not going there until I lose 20 more pounds.
I confess that I have spent the past 5 years losing and regaining the same 10 - 15 pounds and I'm really angry at myself about it.
I confess that I worry that no one will ever love me again.
