Your story moved me. It is sad for me to see a fellow BBW (and you ARE beautiful!) think that she does not deserve a complete, fulfilling sex life because she hates her body. You are still young, and your best sexual years are ahead. Why do you want to waste them by being anything less than fully available to your husband? YOU ARE MISSING OUT!!! Sex (especially with someone you love) can be absolutely fantastic!
I am willing to bet the farm that your husband truly loves your body because it is an extension of YOU. You apparently still turn him on....Yet when you only "let" him have sex with you from behind with no lights on and no foreplay, how do you think HE feels about that? I can understand why he thinks there may be something wrong with him, that he is the reason you don't want sex.
I don't want to alarm you with what I am saying next, but I want you to be aware....men in your husband's situation who feel unfulfilled sexually are more likely to look for an outlet elsewhere, whether it is with pornography addiction or having an extramarital relationship. (Don't ask me how I know this.) I am not saying your husband would definitely do this, but the way I see it, you are not giving him a reason NOT to do it.
PLEASE don't waste another day hating your body!! It's not worth it!!
Edited to add: Thinchickie, this is for you too!!!
I just wanted to mention one thing I have discovered about sex drive recently. As ironic as it may sound, the pill completely kills it for me. I discovered this somewhat accidentally. I stopped taking the pill after I broke up with my ex since I didn't plan on being with anyone for awhile and I no longer need it for medical reasons. I didn't put the two together at first, but I noticed that it was really funny how right after we broke up all of a sudden I was really fired up. After a month or two I thought "to heck with a period a month, I want back on Seasonalle" so I went back on it. Almost instantly my sex drive vanished. I have now gone back off of it again and I can definitely confirm this (although sometimes I think I would be better off without it as a single woman ). I was also talking to a friend recently who had the exact same effect. I also then did some research online and found out this happens to a number of people. It is really strange that I never heard about this side effect from my gyn.
So, you may want to look into this if you are finding your sex drive to be really low when it wasn't before.
Last edited by NotTheCheat; 01-30-2008 at 02:59 PM.
I just wanted to mention one thing I have discovered about sex drive recently. As ironic as it may sound, the pill completely kills it for me.
hmm...I never really thought about it. I started taking the pill when I was just barely 16, long before I became sexually active (I had emergency surgery to remove a 10-inch ovarian cyst, and I was immediately put on the pill to prevent future cysts). I know the more I weigh, the lower my sex drive, but I don't know how my sex drive is naturally without the pill. Not that I have the option of finding out unless I want to likely end up on the operating table again--while they were removing the large cyst, they actually found another cyst on the same ovary plus one starting on the other ovary. My doctor actually called me a "cystm farm" and instructed me to never go off the pill until I was trying for children
I read an article about sexual attraction and the pill. They took women who were comparably the same attractiveness. Some were on the pill and some were not. Basically put them in a bar and waited to see how many guys hit on them I guess, but they found out that the men found the women who weren't on the pill more attractive than the women on the pill. When they threw in some women who were even less attractive but not on the pill, the men went for them quicker than the more attractive women on the pill. It was especially so when the women were ovulating. I was thinking about that from the other perspective. If women not on the pill were more "attractive" then they were probably throwing off pheromones. The pill must mute that. Those things have got to work both ways. If you are more sexually attractive, you are bound to feel sexier.
i think, what if he gained all this weight, would I be as nice as he has been to me? WHen he gained the 30 pounds, it was all in his tummy and his face filled in a little bit, he has a cut jaw, so it was noticeable. I thought, he needs to lose weight... can you believe I Thought that? I was ashamed of me, ME being the fat one.
Oh do I understand that one. My DH has put some of his weight back on. I think it is partially him sabotaging himself so that he wouldn't make me feel bad for gaining while he was either losing or maintaining, and I think it is partially a manifestation of his work-related depression (diff convo...diff day).
But the other night I was in bed waiting for him to come in so we could go to sleep and I noticed that his tummy has come back quite a bit. Now mind you....he only weighs about 150 (but he is 5'4" like me) but that's where it landed. I know that he won't wear his jeans anymore because he claims they are too tight and he has been trying to wear baggier clothing. So of course I am not going to say a thing to him about it...because I know he feels bad enough already...but who in the heck am I to think that anyone is fat?? I outweigh him by over 100 lbs. and not once has he ever complained about a thing...so how can I be that kind of a hypocrite?
Sigh...
I am thankful that at the very least we do cuddle every night. I travel a little bit for work and I do not slep anywhere near as well alone as I do knowing that he is inches away.
I think where we started really having problems was that there were a few times recently that I made very overt sexual overtures and he didn't notice/care/express interest/stay awake and so I got even more frustrated.
Then there is the Pill issue. I wish I could get off of the Pill. My doctor wants me off of the Pill. But I know what my life is like off of the Pill and I can't live that way. I have been on the Pill for about 17 years for good reasons...none of which had to do with sexual activity. I have also noticed other changes lately in TOM that I guess could be attributed to weight loss/gain, hormonal changes related to loss/gain and the Pill.
I have decided to chime in here after reading ALL of the posts! I never thought about weight affecting sex drive. When my bf and I first met, we had sex 3-5 times a DAY!! It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. We now have a more normal sex life, at least 5 times a week, sometimes still twice a day, but I always wonder about why that changed. I was the initiator at least half of the time, but now it's more like a quarter of the time. I thought it may be that we both work full-time jobs and I am a full-time student (none of these conditions existed before). I honestly just don't want to as much as I used to. Partly because working, exercising, sxhool, cooking, cleaning, etc is VERY exhausting. Partly b/c I sometimes feel like it's a waste of time. I can't believe I am about to admit this...My bf usually thinks he is "pleasing" me, but in all honesty, he isn't. When I have broached the subject, I always got from him that his pride was being hurt to think that he wasn't as "good" as he thought he was. I decided it was easier to just deal with "it" myself, than to hurt his feelings, etc. Sex is such an important thing to me that I comtemplated looking for someone new. I always felt horrible for thinking that way though...End a relationship over sex?? Who does that? I know that I can find guys, I have never had a problem. I have always had extremely sexually satisfying relationships, so this is very different for me to deal with. So, I don't know why we have sex less...Maybe a combination of both? Anyway, the bottom line for me is after awhile with someone, I feel *pretty* comfortable naked around them. And I don't think my weight (normal or high) has really had an effect on my sex life. I do know that when I was in my early 20's I lost about 100 lbs and I started dating a LOT. I think that was mostly b/c I had the confidence to, not b/c I had actually lost weight. I did, in the end, lose someone I loved SO deeply, partly b/c of attraction issues...When I lost the weight, he wanted me back, b/c then I was everything he wanted, but I felt like I didn't want to be with someone that couldn't see me for the amazing person I was before. Oh well...I guess life continues and we all learn from our mistakes, our experiences and our triumphs! Hopefully we have more triumphs than mistakes, though I tend to learn more from the mistakes than the triumphs!
I hope I didn't ramble too much!!! Thanks for listening to my rant!
For me, my weight never affected my sex drive, although my body issues make me always want lights off, no matter what, and no matter what Andrew says.
The thing that completely killed my sex drive is my anti-depressants. I've never been on birth control. Andrew got a vasectomy, so I don't need it, so I have no input on that. I'm on Prozac right now, and within 2 days of getting on it, my sex drive was GONE completely. That's the way it was for the other anti-depressant I was on about a year ago as well.
Kayley-you need to have a discussion with your doctor about your meds. One of the things that my husband is always talking about in speeches about psych meds is that sexual dysfunction issues are one of the leading causes of people going off their meds. Sometimes all it takes is a slightly lower dose. You don't have to settle for giving up an important part of your life, and well being. It doesn't have to be a choice of one or the other.
I wanted to chime in here and agree with NotTheCheat: BC pills killed my sex drive. DH and I never stopped having sex, but it was down to about 2 times/week (too little for both of us). I finally talked to my Dr. about it and she put me on a pill with a higher dose of testosterone in it. It seemed to take care of things.
I also notice that my sex drive has gone up exponentially since I've lost weight. I wonder sometimes if it's because extra fat means extra estrogen storage and estrogen is definitely not the sex hormone.
Having sex with me is how he "proves" that he loves me, because obviously he wouldn't want to have sex with me if he didn't love me since I am so fat. I play these little mind games with myself - how many days has it been? Why haven't we had sex? He must find me gross or doesn't love me anymore. (Reality is the poor guy gets up at 4 am every day to go to work and works 50 hours a week so he's tired.)
That's the same with us--- 4 years ago it was CRAZY--- all the time!!! But now, 5 years later, me with an extra 80 pounds and him with 25 extra, it's different. He works two jobs and we see each other for a couple hours at night and only have the weekends together, really.
Now, I know he worked 2 jobs 4 years ago, but he was 4 years younger and working physically demanding jobs that kept him in shape. Now he's in a desk job... That's what I TRY to tell myself.... but that old "I'm just not attractive--- he only "fits it in his schedule" b/c he loves me, not b/c he likes it" mentality sneaks in sometime.
Well, I'm gonna give a new spin on things. I don't have a story about how I fattened up to shelter myself from men, or how being fat ruined my sex drive... Quite the opposite.
I was always big--- I never got made fun of for my size b/c I was active and WAY taller than my peers (I'm 6'1" now) and I clung to the "I'm big and strong" instead of the "big and fat" that some of my other classmates were made fun of. I played basketball, volleyball, baseball, danced--- played varsity sports in highschool. I had starring roles in my school musicals. I was outgoing, personable, super funny, at the top of my class academically... and LONELY b/c I never had a date. I truly felt that I excelled in EVERY other area of my life except for my weight.
In highschool, it's not good to be fat AND tall. I was a size 18 all through highschool and though my group of friends weren't the best looking or smallest people, even they had dates occasionally. I had a few MAJOR crushes on boys who were in the musicals with me (I went to an all girls school) and I went to the dances at neighboring all-boys schools... but HATED them and just felt awkward and left out. I TRIED to date and no one ever was interested.
I have always been FASCINATED by sex, and was sneaking to read the "sex advice" books in the local library in 3rd grade when my mom took us there. I knew so much about everything there was to do with sex--- I was "horned up" all the time- sex was my favorite topic. In fact, I went to grad school for psychology with the aim of being a Sexual Therapist (that didn't pan out b/c I hated the school, FYI). I was also a devout Catholic and firmly believed in the no sex 'til marriage rule. But that didn't mean I didn't want a boyfriend to "let go" with and fool around with and release some of that energy!
I'm a very attractive girl, I firmly believe that. I just feel that society has told everyone that FAT does not equal PRETTY. I would go to dances as a teen and out to the clubs (occasionally) in college---- only to see UGLY UGLY UGLY thin girls hook up with guys. I didn't understand how I could be PRETTY and not have someone, yet these BUTT UGLY girls had boyfriends. I truly believe, 100% that fat is the "ugliest" thing you can be in America today.
Anyhow--- I YEARNED for sexual attention. I wanted SO BADLY to have a boyfriend, to turn someone on, to make out with someone and feel SEXY. And it never happened. I had a horrible relationship with someone in my freshman year of college, and it really was desperation for both of us b/c I wasn't attracted to him and he wasn't attracted to me... turned out he was bisexual. hahaha. How's that for an ego-killer. We were "dating" just for the title--- the relationship sucked and (obviously) the sexual part of stuff just wasn't there. For someone with a super high sex drive like me, this just KILLED me.
Then I met a guy friend (a pro bodybuilder, go figure) that I fell HARD for. He liked me a lot--- as a friend. After I finished freshman year, I dieted and worked out and lost 35 pounds--- for HIM. I came back in shape, healthy, and PROUD of myself... and he still didn't change towards me. What a disappointment. However... a few months later, my sisters dragged me out to a country music bar (I didn't go out to clubs b/c I didn't drink and I just left depressed b/c I felt alone the whole time) and wonder of wonders... I met a guy. Tall, manly, big strong build... and itnerested in me?!!?!?
Yes... I was at an all-time low weight and in a small size 14. Yes, I looked SMOKIN' HOT that night (man, I really did--- I look at photos and just sigh....) But he wanted me--- I still felt like a fat girl (the brain takes a while to catch up to what the body already knows, as I'm sure you've all found out) but he wanted me. The relationship was SMOKING. It was EVERYTHING I had been wishing, hoping, dreaming, and fantasizing about.
No inhibitions. Anywhere anytime, super experimental. I made up for lost time. It's like we couldn't be near each other without going crazy. He made me feel SEXY and WANTED... and it was wonderful!!!!!
I married this man last year after 4 years of dating. But I've gained 87 pounds while knowing him. And after a few years, and a lot of weight getting packed on, things have majorly died down. He works a LOT and he's gained weight and is out of shape. I've gained a ton of weight and yet I still WANT IT a lot more than he seems to. I tell myself that it's b/c he works two jobs and is tired... but still... it makes me sad to think of how it was (even when he was working 2 jobs back then) and it's hard not to convince myself that the sex is less b/c I weigh so much and am less desireable. Not that he doesn't LOVE me... I know he loves me... he just doesn't desire me as much.
We did it all... the... time. Every time we saw each other--- it wasn't GREAT sex, but it was a LOT and I felt sooooooo desired. And it just kinda petered out after a while...
Anyhow--- I disagree with a lot of women who write that they use their weight b/c they're comfortable with it and it makes them feel protected. I HATE IT. I feel SUPPRESSED, I feel lonely, I feel ugly--- I want to wear skanky clothes and lingerie and role play with my husband without feeling like a fat stupid idiot for doing it. I'm totally comfortable with him--- I'm just not comfortable with ME. I want sex with him all the time but feel ashamed to ASK for it.
I want to lose this weight (even though I'm happily married) and go to clubs with my sisters and DANCE FREELY and TURN SOME HEADS and make men fawn over me. I want to feel like I belong and that people don't look at me like "what is she doing here?" Or be laughing about me behind my back....
I want to reclaim my college years, my 20's, when I should have been partying and having fun and flirting and sending men home disappointed that they can't have me... I never got to do that and it's not fair!!!! I love my DH and I will always be faithful--- but I want to feel desired by more than one man in my ENTIRE LIFE. I want to turn heads. I want to be SEEN AS SEXY as I feel inside!!! And that's why I'm doing it this time. I'm still young, I'm only 25.... I can lose this weight and dress sexy and go out and have a good time. I want my husband to come with me to the clubs and watch me dance and play and get so turned on he can't stand it... to feel proud when he sees guys try to come up and flirt and see me playfully turn them down... I want him to feel LUCKY that he's the one who gets to bring me home at the end of the night. I want to be sexy and naughty and playful. I'm too young to feel this repressed!!!!!
Hmmmph. So there. Long winded... but I had to get that off my chest.
I'm not a sad, lowly, fat girl who is resigned to hiding behind her fat. I want to BREAK FREE and live my LIFE and express my sexuality for all that it was meant to be!!!!!!!!
Last edited by BrandNewJen; 02-01-2008 at 12:37 PM.
I am getting ready to leave for a doctor's appointment, so I am not going to get all crazy long. LOL but brandnewjen, I totally get what you are saying 100%. I remember feeling really sexy and liking it.
I thought about that a month ago, I think that I have totally suppressed those feelings, so I don't feel frustrated. I know marriages have those ebbs and flows of great hot sex and then the slower times, but when it starts getting REALLY slow, that kind of smacks you in the head.
Our sex has always been great, mostly due to him and his willingness to be so fun, and when I recall those times, it kind of makes me sad now, especially, NOW that I am not getting IT.
I was for a while not even flirting with him like I had been, that is a bad rut to fall into.. so since he has been gone I have been sending him dirty little text messages.. then I notice when he calls me, he is a lot more flirty the same way.
I LOVE sex I think way more than he does now, I am only speculating, since it is me who would drop everything and have him. So, when he comes home, I am going to work on getting that back between us.
We can go to dinner, hold hands across the table, be flirty, but then it goes no where. I have talked to him about it, and he just says he is tired or something stupid really but I am trying not to make it an issue right now...
Mainly because I am sure that the extra 180 pounds on me makes it a little more difficult for him to think, wow, I can't wait to get home with that.. LOL, So, I get what you are saying, you want to completely knock him off his feet..
And you know what is funny, you might be surprised at what does that, there are two things that surprised me, this one not so much, but I was in a pink pajama set, kind of silk, shorts and a shirt thing, and I only had my black bra clean, so I put it on and was doing laundry, my shirt was open and he saw that and when nuts over the black bra.. yeah, I was 300 pounds when this happened.
Then a few years ago, I was about 280 then, it was snowing so hard and I walked about side, to talk to him while he was shoveling snow, and I had ZERO makeup on and I had thrown on a scarf over my head, I never do that.. I walked out there and said hi and he immediately stopped shoveling snow and we went in the house for GREAT sex...
He told me I looked so cute standing there like that.. I didn't feel cute and I debated even going out there feeling grungy, but what turns them on is sometimes not what you think
Off to the doctor now, yipppee, as though I can't get enough of THAT
I'm not a sad, lowly, fat girl who is resigned to hiding behind her fat. I want to BREAK FREE and live my LIFE and express my sexuality for all that it was meant to be!!!!!!!!
Catherine - I have talked to two different doctors, and my pshychiatrist, and they told me that anti-depressants have that side effect, and there's 'nothing they can do'. Sounds like a crock to me. That's why I stopped taking them before!! Because I wanted a sex drive!
As it is, I'm on a fairly low dose of Prozac right now (only 20 mgs).
![300+ sexuality issues linked with weight loss [Note: Frank Discussion!]](https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/iconimages/300-club/300-sexuality-issues-linked-weight-loss-%5Bnote-frank-discussion-%5D_ltr.gif)
). I was also talking to a friend recently who had the exact same effect. I also then did some research online and found out this happens to a number of people. It is really strange that I never heard about this side effect from my gyn.
