To this day (and probably for as long as I live), I'll be grateful to every single student and teacher I was ever exposed to. I've been big all my life and somehow I managed to escape being teased about my weight.
I didn't date much until after high school, although I was hopelessly in love with the man who would become my first serious relationship during that time. After high school, we started dating and I moved in with him. I was never self-concious in bed with him, but we weren't intimate very often. I'm really not sure why. He was four years older than me and I used to wonder if he had a lower sex drive. It was also very hard for me relax during sex; I very rarely had an orgasm. Our sex life had nothing to do with why we broke up.
Now I'm happily married to another man. He's also four years older than me and our sex life is...intermittant. We'll go through phases where we have sex 3 or 4 or 5 times a week and then we'll have dry spells where we don't have sex for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. I know a big part of it is his job (USMC) and my school...our schedules don't mesh too well. I don't feel sexy around him, despite him telling me he finds me attractive. He's had problems staying erect during sex a few times and it's always in the back of my mind that its because he can't bear to look at me.
I think my issues with feeling attractive have risen since I've gotten married. That's in a direct relationship to my gaining weight. I've noticed even though I've only lost a few pounds, that my sex drive has risen. I'm hoping that as my weight continues to drop, my sex drive will go up even more and we'll find/make time for the good stuff.
BigJohn, I know exactly how you feel. Finding BDSM helped me relax regarding sex a lot. When someone else is in control, you have no choice but to relax and enjoy what's happening.
I play these little mind games with myself - how many days has it been? Why haven't we had sex? He must find me gross or doesn't love me anymore.
That's exactly how I felt at the higher weight. Didn't help that my first husband cheated on me - I didn't know until he left - and my trust level is perhaps not what it should be. At this point, I know my husband loves me and I know he'd never cheat on me, but there are still times and especially when I was heavier when we'd have a LOT of time between interludes, I will feel like "He's going to find someone else!" "Has he found someone else?" "Maybe he doesn't want me anymore!"
Like MarinePrincess, I suspect the lulls in our love life especially now, have more to do with our schedules than anything else...He works graveyard, 10 hour shifts four days a week. I kiss him goodbye and go to bed and he gets home after I leave for work. On nights he is home, he comes to bed and snuggles for a bit, then gets up and goes downstairs to watch TV. It's too hard to switch his days and nights around so we literally don't sleep together anymore. And he's home every other weekend only, so literally every other weekend is it for sex and if one of us isn't up to it, that makes it another two weeks before we're together again. There's the occasional weeknight, but I get up at 5:30 a.m. and am not a person who gets by well on little sleep so that's not the norm.....
Boy did I get off the topic!
I have really been enjoying this thread too. There are so many interesting stories and so much to provoke some serious thought.
I can relate to both of you (Marine Princess, Lilion), also. There have been a few occasions where erectness has been an issue...and I always feel like it's because he just doesn't find me attractive. Then a few days will go by and I will wonder if it's because of me, because he found someone different, it I just don't turn him on anymore. I beat myself up, and it sucks! Sometimes it feels like I spend a lot more time worrying about these things than I should. I wonder if he's going to fall out of love with me and move on to someone smaller, cuter, etc. But that depressing mood only drives me away from my goals. It's a vicious circle, and it's hard to break. But the reality is most likely it has very little to do with how he feels (or doesn't), and more about how I do. But truth isn't always so easy to swallow.
Wow, I was just talking about this topic with a guy friend (who is 24 and totally hot) I asked if he was a chubby chaser and he said *No way, I just think you are hot* WHOA!!
Totally made my day because I am 32 years old, BIG and married with 4 kids! I also don't let being fat define my sexuality. I guess I am the gothy-mom type and being in the "weirdo group" has helped out a lot in the dating scene (prior to being married, of course)
I never had problems with guys (or girls, for that matter) and I have always been big but being fat and being unattractive are 2 different things. (Don't listen to idiots who tell you otherwise) I gained 75 pounds during my pregnancies. I didn't lose any of it. I never felt ugly or disgusting. I am pissed off at myself but even when I feel bad I FAKE IT!
I hate seeing pretty fat girls dressing frumpy or looking plain, trying to fade into the background because they look to fools like Lindsay or Paris or Nicole for beauty.
And let me tell ya something else. SEX IS GREAT! Fat or whatever. We all have to much guilt over sex that people cannot even talk about it without being upset. Sex (as long as its legal and safe) is a beautiful thing and us big girls have curves and roundness that men (REAL MEN, not those wannabe's) LOVE.
Ok, I will stop ranting. I have issues about my weight but the main one is I cannot wear my brand new JOY DIVISION tee-shirt size xl because I am fat but I will get down to a weight of 145 and be happy by early next year and trust me, I will still feel good about my body because I like myself fat or skinny.
(But fat is fun!!)
Last edited by endlessly; 08-24-2007 at 10:35 PM.
Reason: The dreaded typo.
Since I normally log on from work, I couldn't really add my input but I wanted to.
I have always been somewhat of an introvert and a bit shy. I attribute it somewhat to my weight, I was 300 lbs from about the age of 14 and over that until the age of 29.
I think I had the typical shy girl/fat girl lifestyle in which I had a lot of guy friends and even boyfriends but nothing serious. When I got into the age of sexuality (late teens), I actually became a bit withdrawn from guys. I'd be attracted to guys but I also became afraid that something sexual may happen. In college, I'd date guys and dump them if they tried to get too serious. I think I was partially afraid of having someone see me naked as well as feeling exposed.
I think kind of lost interest in dating and what not when I graduated from college. A few years later, I realized that I wasn't being normal in the fact that I wasn't dating so I figured I'd try dating. I met one guy who seemed like he was a chubby chaser and I actually became afraid of him because he wouldn't go away.
I then started dating a long time friend of mine and had my first sexual experience in my late 20s. I don't know if it freed me in my self image or what but I wasn't afraid of him seeing me naked and just in general being naked. That relationship ended nearly a year later. A year after that, I started dating DH and I had a similar experience in that even though I was a bit shy, I didn't have any problems with sexual experiences or being naked around him. He even chastises me sometimes because I will walk around windows and areas where someone could potentially see me, but I think the chances are low so it doesn't worry me. I am also not very restrained sexually and I will often initiate.
Now I won't say that I don't have quirks. One of my quirks is I feel uncomfortable seeing sexual situations in movies. Even people just naked in movies can make me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why but I think for some reason I feel as if I'm invading their personal space. Is it because of my early years of restrained sexuality? Who knows.
Honestly, all in all, I am glad that I was a late bloomer in my sexuality. My sexual experiences are very emotional to me and have to do very little with the physical aspects. At least partially due to my weight, my teens and early 20s were very hard for me emotionally. I'm not sure I could've dealt with sexual experiences, especially after a relationship break up in those years. Even the one break up I had with someone I was intimate with was a very hard break up for me, mostly because of the fact that I felt very bonded due to our shared intimacy.
My feeling though is don't let your weight hold you back with the one that you love. Walk around naked, explore your sexuality with them and just enjoy yourself. You do have to let go and trust but I think it is worth it. I was afraid for many years of letting go of my restraint and trusting but all in all, I am very glad that I did eventually.
**off topic** Winterstarzz, I love your avatars! I look forward to them all the time, lol. Glue doesn't stick to the inside of the bottle because it has to interact with the air to solidify. **off topic done**
I too have had thought of DH cheating. My biggest fear (aside from suffocation) is being alone, him leaving me, however you want to say it. He's even said a couple of times (because he knows how afraid of this I am), "Losing you is not worth the few minutes of pleasure sleeping with someone else would give me." And it's true ladies! If your man really and truly loves you, that's exactly how he should feel about cheating. Now to just get ourselves to believe it...
I was always the "fun friend" in high school and into college. It always ended up that after my "pretty friends" would break up with someone, then the guy would notice me, that I was always there to be kind and listen. I got so tired of getting my friends' cast-offs. At the same time I remember that my Dad told me that I just had to accept that I would never be one of the "pretty girls" and that I was smart and that was ok too. That statement, even though I am sure now it was meant kindly, has haunted me ever since. I've worked my *** off since I was a kid to make my Dad proud of me and to earn his love. Nothing that I have ever done has been good enough, I've never been perfect. Now, with men, I notice that I usually end up in unsatisfying relationships where they don't have time for me or won't make me a priority. I think many times that it is so that they aren't around a lot so that they won't notice my imperfections. I'm also the kind of person that, when people remark on my weight loss, I respond with how much I have left to go.
I was married for 9 years to a guy out of high school that I never really loved, it was more of a situation where I was glad someone liked me. As we went along in our marriage he would tell me often that marrying me was the biggest mistake that he ever made and that he married me because he felt sorry for me. I gained 105 pounds while married to him, 70 in the first year. I finally got the courage to get out of that relationship, not for me, but because I didn't want my kids to think that this is how relationships are supposed to be. I didn't want my daughter thinking that the things her dad said to me were how life was supposed to be.
Since my divorce I've dated only men that were somehow unavailable to me. I think that this is the way I keep from letting them in on my real life and my imperfections. I really want a real, healthy relationship, but it terrifies me that someone would see that my laundry isn't always done or that sometimes I eat junk that isn't good for me. I feel like I live my life around other people on "best behavior". So, I continue in relationships that aren't good for me. I always feel like if I were skinnier, or smarter, or had a better job, or was a better housekeeper...if I were just "better" someone will love me. It scares me to get to my goal weight because I wonder, what if no one loves me there either.
As I have started dating I also feel like men often look at "the fat girl" as an easy lay. I'm so self concious of this that I often won't talk back to people. In the back of my head I am convinced that they just want to sleep with me and cast me aside. Now, that I'm losing weight, I have anger that I've let build and when someone does talk to me I jump to "you never would have talked to me a year ago, leave me alone".
I really think that I'll end up being alone for the rest of my life because of my issues with sex and love and my weight.
Mama2QTandT, I just wanted to say that you are gorgeous! You have a great smile! Before I read your post, I looked at your avatar and commented (to the air and animals) how pretty you are. It's amazing how warped the mirror is when we look in it and judge ourselves.
Wow, I haven't been on the site in a few days now (moved and had trouble with the internet at the new place, plus they've started tracking out internet usage at work now ), but this is actually something I was just thinking about this morning. As many of you know, I'm engaged and living with my fiance (we've been living together for about 2 years now and just bought our first home; we've been together for about 3 and 1/2 years total). I'm 25 years old, and he is the ONLY man I have ever had sex with. I knew I wanted sex to be more than just a physical thing, so I would never go "all the way" with any of the drunk guys who followed me home from parties in college.
That said, I've been with the same guy for over 3 years, and I still get feelings of discomfort and uneasiness when we're intimate. It's certainly not because of anything he does--he's insanely supportive and comforting and positive--but rather, it's my own demons inside my head. Demons planted by the boys in grade school who called me the "two-tonner," demons planted by the girls in middle school talking about the great new bikinis they got for their summer by the pool to tease the hot lifeguard; demons planted by the boys in high school who always seemed to fall for my best friends, but never for me (including an unforgettable evening of "truth or dare" with friends that was followed by comments from one of the boys that the evening would have been perfect if Jill wasn't there...); demons planted by the boys in college who would only give me a second glance if they were completely stumbling drunk; demons planted by the guys I'd met online who immediately stopped talking to me once I shared a photo or was honest about my size...
So yeah, the world has raised me to believe that fat = ugly. I don't think any amount of therapy or positive thinking can change that correlation in my head because, regardless of what I think of myself, society as a whole generally feels it is true. However, while I can't feel particularly positive about my outside, my feelings of worthlessness as a whole have disipated. I am extremely proud of the person I've become on the inside, and knowing that I've gotten to where I am while battling the innevitable stigmas of my weight only makes me feel even more proud.
So here I am, just turned 25, and I have never been happy with my physical appearance. I am absolutely proud of WHO I am and ho wmuch I've accomplished, but my physical appearance is still my biggest weakness.
Back to Jeff--like I said, we've been together for about 3 and 1/2 years. I slept with him for the first time after having only known him in person for about a month (we'd met online initially and had talked online for maybe 2 months before we met). For a long time, sex was strictly to be had in a "lights off" setting, but as I grew more and more comfortable with him, I got more lenient. Now, not to give too many dirty details, we will have sex at any time of day in pretty much any room of the house That said, as comfortable as I am with him, I have to continually remind myself how much he loves me regardless of my size. Even just this morning, we did the deed, and I was thinking about how fabulous he is that he doesn't care that I'm at my highest weight ever, that I have a big scar on my lower abdomen, that I had a big welt on the side of my chest from a too-tight underwire bra...
So my story is slightly different. I didn't use my fat as a means of protection from sex. I didn't develop early. I was never thin or physically attractive to men. I have never in my life been "hit on." I don't know--I sometimes think I'm still too young and inexperienced to make many profound realizations on the topic. Although, since I'm getting married, I suppose I'll never be much more "experienced" in this area
I've never had a "lights off" rule, not sure why. I know you read stories about other women on this site who have gained weight and don't feel comfortable with their husbands so its, lights off, or even partially clothed and some of those women are not even over 200 lbs. I think it really depends on your perspective of yourself and those of us who have been overweight all our lives, have to deal with our current weight and not a comparison between now and "then" where then might've been a somewhat normal weight.
One thing I absolutely don't worry about my husband is that he will cheat on me. If I tie emotions/love/commitment strongly to sex, he is even tied stronger into that department than me. He also thinks of sex as optional while I think of it as a requirement. If he has a list of things he'd like to do, sex may actually be on the bottom of the list. Not to say that he doesn't enjoy it but if I mention it, he'll sometimes be thinking of other things he needs to do instead. I wish it was a daily event, he is more of a 2-3 time per weeker
I am new to this board, in fact, this is my first post. Currently I weigh 165.5 and have been struggling with a lb. here and there for the last several months. My goal is to get back down to 125 with about a 6-8 month timetable, I had lost 39 and gained most of it back, but this time I want it to stay gone. I really appreciate your frank discussion about sex. I have seen a big lull in the last year. But we are both losing weight now and looking forward to better days in that department. My husband and I have a GREAT marriage and would like the sex to fall in line again, too. Thanks, Lillion. If I have your name wrong, please forgive me and correct it! By the way, where do you find the weight loss tickers that are so cute? I would like to have one.
I was always a lights-off person. I still am, to a degree...but I try to be a bit more open about it. After all, sometimes it is nice to look deep into his eyes and share that connection, mind, body, and soul. But in another way, it is nice to have lights-off time because I feel like I can really let go. I don't have to worry about making funny faces and whatnot. It feels like I will be less judged, by the things I say and the way I look...not that he doesn't see it, or know what I look like...it just feels like I can be more free if I don't have to look at him looking at me. And before, when I was too afraid to do anything in light, it did start to hurt our sex life. It became monotonous. It has been a big challenge of mine to overcome that, to be okay (or at least more okay) with lights on and him seeing me in all my (un)glory. I try not to rush to the light switch every time we are in the mood...to just let things unfold and go with the flow, instead of worrying 'can he see that huge bulge?' 'doesn't the cottage cheese look turn him off?' 'did i sound stupid just then?' 'is my chin in 2's or 3's?' It's hard, and it takes a ton of effort, but I am hoping it will get easier and easier with time...to not think so much and just feel. I am trying. It's a work in progress, for sure.
Welcome Checkerswife! If you click one of the tickers, you'll get a screen that shows you how to make one of your own! I wasn't the one who started the thread, but I sure am enjoying it.
I keep noticing a theme about fathers here. Even the BEST dad's seem to have said something that struck a cord with many of us. I've always said that my parent's were the best, most wonderful parents in the world and there's nothing in my childhood (other than mean kids and my mother's cooking) that would lead to any weight issues. But thinking about it now, I think I was wrong.
My mom and dad were older parents. Dad was 52 and Mom 36 when I was born and I only have a brother, 4 years older. Dad was tall (especially when you consider he was born in 1911 and was 6'1"), lanky and germanic-Mom was tall for her age group too, 5'6", coal black hair, dark eyes and olive skin. When they married she was 19 and he was 36 and she was really lovely - and thin! But I always remember her very large, probably 300+, but she would never have told anyone her weight. I have no doubt that my father loved her to the day she died, but he did have issues with her weight. They nearly never fought in front of us, but I remember him saying he'd never buy her another nightgown after she outgrew an XL. I remember her in tears one time because of some remark he'd made about her size. As for me, well I remember one remark that if a girl walked into a wall her boobs should touch before her belly. (As it turns out, my entire life to age 22 I had a HUGE ovarian cyst that went undiscovered, which is why everyone thought I carried so much weight in my tummy - I looked pregnant - after it was removed, it was painfully apparent that I actually carry it in my hips.)
I also remember feeling very inadequate about my size and my father's love because he once remarked how much he loved "little petite blonds". I have a cousin several years my senior who is a 5'2" blond and always slim. I can remember at about (age 7 to 9) her snuggling on his lap and feeling like I'd been cast-off and like he'd never love me that much because I was big and brunette. He was a very good man and a wonderful father really, and he'd be horrified if he'd have known I felt that way.
I grew into a 5'10" version of my mother - at my highest weight, the resemblance was striking - and always envied petite blond women. I wonder if my promiscuous days had something to do with that feeling, proving that men could find me just as attractive as one of them? Both my parents passed away before I hit my slutty prime and I wonder if I'd have behaved that way if I'd had to look them in the eye - I KNOW I'd have never married my first husband if they'd have been alive because they would NOT have approved of him.
Winterstarzz - I agree that lights-out is very freeing. I find myself much more relaxed with the lights out. It doesn't just extend to sex either. The best, most intimate, personal and important conversations of my marriage have been in bed with the lights out. It's led to many late nights and probably annoyed my DH no end!
Yep, Mom2QJandT - this thread is like therapy! And I also wanted to say, you really are a lovely woman!
Jillybean - I can relate to what you've said so much! I have never in my life been hit on or checked out. I have never been made to feel like I am attractive, in any way. In fact, most of the time I am made to feel very much like a cow. A very huge, ugly one. It's hard to get past that and realize that after many, many years of that way of thinking, that way of being treated, someone can actually find you attractive, and love you for simply being you. It's hard to accept and wrap your mind around.
Congrats on getting married! What an exciting time.
Nelie- A 2-3 time per weeker?! Wow! Mine's more of an every-dayer. Sometimes I feel like if I don't, he will turn to "other sources". Which scares the **** out of me, more than I could ever say. I have a pretty high sex drive, so usually it's something quite enjoyable, though.
Last edited by WinterStarzz; 09-02-2007 at 11:39 AM.
![300+ sexuality issues linked with weight loss [Note: Frank Discussion!]](https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/iconimages/300-club/300-sexuality-issues-linked-weight-loss-%5Bnote-frank-discussion-%5D_ltr.gif)
), but this is actually something I was just thinking about this morning. As many of you know, I'm engaged and living with my fiance (we've been living together for about 2 years now and just bought our first home; we've been together for about 3 and 1/2 years total). I'm 25 years old, and he is the ONLY man I have ever had sex with. I knew I wanted sex to be more than just a physical thing, so I would never go "all the way" with any of the drunk guys who followed me home from parties in college.
