I saw the title of this thread a few days ago and for whatever reason hadn't ventured over here till now.
I know for me that in the past, I tended to shy away from guys and such. I would have guys check me out at the various different weights I was at and all that, but I generally took it in stride like it was some cosmic joke that was being played on me. Kinda the attitude of, "Yeah right. Someone that good looking would really consider getting with me."
I didn't really start coming into my own sexually until I was about 19 or 20. Here it was, all my peers in high school were out there being frisky and slutty teens and I was the Dr. Ruth they would all come to when they had issues with the person they were sleeping with. Can we say the blind leading the masses here?
I waited to lose my virginity, not totally by choice, until I was 21. And even then, the person that I lost it to, was just a really good friend. My best friend was surprised to know that I actually made the first move...thinking I would totally get shot down, but I didn't and to this day, I still don't regret my decision.
I went through the whole, "making up for lost time" thing and had as much sex as I could, but it was really meaningless and I was beginning to feel kinda like a skank, so I cut myself off from guys totally for 18 months. Until my friend came back into the picture and things kinda picked up again. No dating, just hanging out...friends with benefits kinda thing.
Then in 97, I met my son's father. While I sometimes curse the day that he was brought into my life, I can't really complain all that much because I have a beautiful son. Anyway, this guy is a bonafide chubby chaser. He might weigh 120 when he is wet. So we made quite a pair. He's like 5' 7" and maybe 120. I am 6' 4" and was 398 at the time that we met. The one thing about him was, he always told me that he would leave me if I ever lost weight. Guess he would be long gone now anyway had I not left him.
Anyway, two years after I had my son, I met my current bf. We met online and were really good friends for a couple of years. He was living in Iowa when we first started talking and he had a girlfriend at the time. He moved to South Carolina to be with her, but things didn't work out, so he and I started getting closer. I guess, I didn't really have to worry too much about being sexual, most of our conversations never went to that subject. He made me feel relaxed and safe and that is what drew me to him. So, in 2002, he came out here to be with me and my son. I never lied to him about my weight, but then again, I never did mention it either. Well, he knew I was "fluffy", just not how fluffy I was. So, when he got off the bus, I was terrified. I thought he would get back on and go home, but he didn't.
I have to say that after five years together, I still wonder what he sees in me. Even at my highest weight, he still saw me as beautiful and sexy and he never failed to tell me that when I was feeling my lowest (and he is darned flirty about it in public too, still). As far as sex goes, well, I have to say that as I lose more weight, I am getting friskier. Not that he's complaining. Though, I have to say, that even at the weight I am, people still marvel that I can cross my legs when they can't. Flexible, I am. Sorry...TMI there. Anyway, so yeah, where was I? Oh frisky. Before, my arthritis would have me hurting and I wouldn't want him to touch me, can I tell ya how much of a strain that put on things? But now that I am lightening up and not in much pain, things have gotten better. I still have moments where I look at him and wonder why he wants me even after 5 years and I laugh at the reaction of girls when we are out and they are checking him out and he is with me...Yes, I do get the little evil grin of pride that I have him and they want him.
Okay, so this is long enough, but as far a sexuality goes, I think Janet Jackson said it best...and I am totally paraphrasing here...
Sexiness is something that comes from within. It's not the clothes you wear or the things that you do. When you feel sexy, you project that out to people.
I find this to be so true. When I am feeling sexy, I notice men taking a look, when I feel frumpy, I kinda disappear into the crowd.
I know what this is like. I am married to the most loving, sexiest, intelligent, honest man on Earth.
I am pretty sure he is with me because he doesn't have anything better to do.
How horrible of a though is that? I know my husband loves me, i just can't figure out why he wants to go to bed with me. I am fat, flabby, icky. He is so small that he just barely made the weight requirements for boot camp.
He says he loves the way I look (but is fully supportive of me loosing weight of course), but you know, I want to love the way I look.
Will the mind set of being fat and icky looking ever leave, even after I drop 100 pounds?
I've been reading this thread, and just have to jump in. I sometimes feel like the freak for not being more traumatized mentally, emotionally, and sexually by my weight. In fact, in the scheme of things, I think there are tons of "always-been-thin-and-gorgeous" people who are a lot more screwed up in this area than I've ever been.
I've always thought of myself as having the opposite of the "Alaska problem" (where women say, because of the overabundant ration of men to women 'the odds are good, but the goods are odd'). Pickins' have been slim, love-wise, but I had no problem with keeping my standards as high as I felt I so awesomely deserved, and just waiting until I found my prince. I never had to lower my standards, but I did have to refine my list to what I knew wanted, and eliminate the "frills," and I couldn't wait around for my prince to find me, I had to start hunting. When I met my husband, I was actually surprised that I found him physically attractive (in a giant, teddy-bear, biker- viking sort of way), because "good-looking," was at the top on my list of frills, sort of like heated-car seats. Nice if you can get it, but a luxury you don't want to give up power steering for.
I run around the house naked, do sexy little dances for my husband, flirt with him in public and all of that stuff that by pop-culture standards I probably should be arrested for. Heck, I even [gasp of horror] go swimming in public.
Bumping this up. I've realized recently that my weight is very very VERY tied to my sexuality and my feelings about my sexuality. I had never made the connection before--I was always distracted by the "other excuses" in my life, the excuses that people are more willing to talk about and more comfortable addressing. I could never figure out why addressing the "other" issues didn't really seem to solve my problem. Now I realize that I was trying to cure the symptom, not the disease. DOH!
Once I made the connection between my sexuality and my use of food, I started tracing back through my life, and things fell into place. All of the sudden I could see how my weight gains corresponded with new sexual feelings or sexual frustrations or sexual pain. When my weight was well-managed, too, lined right up with being sexually free and fulfilled. I started listening very closely to myself (admittedly, in that direction) and saw how "sexual frustration" corresponded directly to "craving for treat" and "sexually satisfied" lined up with "not hungry". Hmmmmm.
Everyone may be reading this and thinking "well DUH!!" but I honestly never saw it for myself. I've always been interested in sex, always had a high sex drive, and always just accepted that my frustrations were part of life, and they belonged in the "sex box" and didn't have anything to do with anything else. Now, though, I see that my sexuality is such a pervasive part of who I am that it touches everything. I think this will be the theme, if you will, of this part of my journey to becoming a whole person.
(PS--any suggestions anyone has for things to read regarding the connection between sexuality, frustrated sexuality, and weight--NOT sexual abuse, thanks, I wasn't abused as a child--would be really appreciated. It's a hard thing to find any sort of references for. People don't seem to really address sexuality and food abuse.)
It may be a “well duh” to some people, but it has also taken me quite awhile to see it as well. It is still unfolding for me as a way to understand myself and to try and move forward with losing weight. This is the main question I am still working on for myself right now. It is really a big one for me.
Regarding the book question, there is a book I remember reading a long time ago. It has been long enough that I can't vouch for it. The main thing I remember is that the author talks a lot about having very conscious sex and I was pissed off at that advice because I thought "the reason I'm not having sex is because I'm fat, so how is that supposed to help me?" The book is called "Hot and Heavy: Finding Your Soul through Food and Sex" by Judi Hollis. Maybe I need to get this again and give it another try even though I'm not in a relationship at the moment.
Thank you for the book suggestion, Nancy. I'll look it up. Think it's a book the library would have?
Recently I've been questioning those things that "everyone" believes, those things that are so fundamental to existng in our culture that no one thinks to question them. If you have a high sex drive you just have to deal with that not being fulfilled sometimes. (This one is inflammatory) If you're married you ONLY have your spouse for a partner (forsaking all others, til death do us part, etc). You should love your partner(s). It's selfish/shortsighted/immature to doggedly pursue your own pleasure. Etc. I'm slowly pulling those things apart, especially what it means to me (and my spouse) to be married, and it's amazing how many of those things I really just don't believe. Yes they're unspoken rules, hence why I couldn't really put words to them, but now I have words for them I can see that I just don't agree. No wonder I've been so frustrated--I've been trying to make myself live by rules that I don't believe!
You know the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff, that feeling when you lift one foot and start to lean forward? Yeah, neither do I. But I imagine that this is a lot like that! I have this feeling that I'm on the verge of something incredible and powerful and tremendously freeing. I'm about to go over the edge, to where there's no turning back.
I know this is ALOT late....but I just seen this thread..lol..sorry blonde here.
I have been with my hubby since I was 16, I am now 34. We are such a miss match lol he is rail thin..and I am the total opposite. When we started dating that was not the case..ofcourse.
I have never ever felt "embarrased" by my weight in front of him. I don't know why that is??? BUT I will honestly have to say that the past few months...I wouls say 8 or so...my sexual drive has tottaly declined. We are the type of couple that "has it atleast 4 times a week" Lol I know TMI! But I have noticed that in the last 8 months or so...its gotten down to only 2 times maybe. It is like by the time I gget home...and get dinner eaten..kids showers,homeowrk and everything else...falling asleep is more importatn! Isn't that aweful!!! My weight has not changed...I think its that now it is catching up to me. It saddens me
Also I don't think I allows myself to be the "woman in bed" that I want to be. If that makes any sense. It is like I have these visions in my head what I would do..then when we get going it is too hard..too much effort..and I dont have the steam.
I have talked to hubby about this..he says that its ok...Gotta love him.
I hope that once this weight leaves me..that I will find the energy to have that happy, healthy sexual life!!
I can't believe this thread exists. I've been thinking about it for a long time.
Wondering if others were experienceing the same difficulties as me.
We haven't had intercourse in years, to be frank for the exact reasons Lilion described. We do however have lots of "play time." Since my hubby has lost weight his desire and stamina has increased dramatically. (his sugars are finally in normal range too, so that helps him as well). He says he finds me sexy and I tell him he's lying. But, even when his weight was at it's hightest, I always found him attractive. That my be the emotional part.
But, I am indeed ashamed of my weight, always have the lights off etc. I was not this way when I was younger, more fit and firm!
I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in the feelings I have. Everyone has commented on how weight loss, self esteem and this type of activity all goes together. Another reason/motivator???
I've been following this thread but as you can all tell, I haven't been posting in it. I feel the same way that most of you seem to feel--embarrassed to embrace my sexuality because I KNOW that I don't look good. Even when I am with my BF all I can think about are the various rolls and flaps that I have. Of course, now the belly flap is gone and we haven't been able to be "friendly" but I'm hoping that my thought process will change. I know that when I lose myself in the moment--it is GREAT! We both have a very good time and it doesn't matter what either one of us looks like. Most of you find that, right? So I'm thinking that most of it is in my own head.
But--I'm down to 232 lbs. now and I can tell you this--when I weighed 357 lbs. I really wasn't interested in sex. I hardly ever thought about it because I just didn't have those feelings. It was like my sexuality meter was turned off or just not working. As I lost weight, it turned back on and my BF and I had a lot more sex. I was ecstatic because I really thought that part of me had "broken" beyond repair, if that makes any sense. So it was very good for a while. My TOM came without question every 28 days--on a Friday--who wants their friend to come on a Friday I ask you? Anyway, I had re-gained approximately 20 lbs. and guess what I noticed? My sex drive went down the tubes, my monthly friend started coming later and later--meaning 30-31 days and I just felt more and more disgusted with myself.
I've noticed after my operation that my sexual desires are back and unfortunately I can't do anything about them because I still have a drain in me. By the time the stupid drain comes out I'll have my TOM so I'll have to wait even longer. I just can't seem to win right now. But losing that 25 lbs. seemed to restart my engine and I'm very happy about that. I was afraid, and still am to a certain extent, to tell my BF what I wanted him to do. I think I felt that since I looked so bad that he was doing me a favor by having sex with me--almost like it was pity or something. If I know I look so bad and he knows I look so bad why on earth is he touching me? As we rebuild our relationship I am getting more confident and I think that's the most important thing for any of us to have. Unfortunately self-confidence doesn't grow on trees and I personally find that it isn't constant.
Well, I have to go to the doctor. I'll try to come back later.
Wow, what a great topic. I have been away for a few months ... so it's nice to see some cool stuff.
I can empathize with everyone. I definately feel that loneliness of never being pretty enough, feminine enough, etc. Often, in relationships, I tend to forego my own wants because I don't want to rock the boat .... a small voice telling me that I am just lucky to have someone be with me, but if I start putting in my own desires, then that's asking too much.
I cannot say that I am fat for fear of intimacy. I truly do not know. However, I can say that in the summer I met a man and we began dating casually. Looking back, I realize this was the point in time when I stopped posting here, stopped filling in my fitday journal ... and not only did I not lose the 20 lbs I had planned on for these past three months, but I gained five back. So I realized that I cannot really handle dating and losing weight at the same time. It puts me on this emotional roller coaster, everytime he didn't phone when I thought he should have, right back to the food. Putting myself down, telling myself there is no point to weight loss anyway. Yet, previous to this, I was so dedicated ... I finally knew this was it, this was when I finally found my resolve. And now I am having to look for it all over again ....
i have been reading thru the posts here and realize how sad it is that weight has such a profound impact on almost every aspect of life. i am 301 lbs, and have noticed a decline in my 'drive' for about the last 6 months... i have a wonderful husband that is happy with 2 times a week, and that is about all i can handle atm being so tired all the time.. i just dont seem to have the energy to 'do it' lol..
Im losing the weight for me, but one perk will be actually feeling sexy for my husband.. i look at him 6'5, 210lbs, gorgeous, and sometimes feel so sorry for him that he isnt in bed with some hot cute thing instead of me. i know he loves me, and for some reason when he looks at me he doesnt see lard.. he see's the person he is in love with and i thank God for that daily.. i just will be glad when im a lil sexier as well..
i read that some of you have issues with being on bottom cause of breathing problems etc.. i too have that problem.. the one good thing, is you burn more calories while on top so that is incentive lol... and no matter what you may think, i am proof positive you wont 'squish' him lol
I ordered the book Hot and Heavy from Amazon, and I have just finished reading it. The author states that sex and food (reproduction and staying alive, basically) are the two primary drives of the human animal. There are other drives, of course, being sentient, but those two are the primary animalistic ones. Her theory is that when one drive is not satisfied we unconsciously turn to the other drive in an attempt to satisfy ourselves.
I have to say there's a lot about that idea that rings true for me. I never consciously told myself "well, can't have the sex I want, so let's eat!" but I can trace my weight gain over the years, and it directly corrolates with development/sexual partners/sexual issues. I can see how addressing my sexual frustration affects my food.
Has anyone else read this book? What did you think? Nancy, I know you have. Did it ring true for you? I know it pissed you off a bit, but stepping back do you think there is some value in the idea that you're trying to satisfy "other" urges with food?
This is a great topic! I know I am very late, but I'll add my story anyway...
I was never made fun of growing up or in high school, but I was definitely overweight. I had a lot of friends, both girls and guys, but never a boyfriend. I've had a lot of food issues, always, and when I finally got to college and had the space and privacy for full-on obsessions I became bulimic. My days were spent studying alone with food. I had friends but I only saw them a scheduled times and I had no boyfriend.
I took a semester overseas and was forced into a living situation where bulimia was harder to hide... so I went from one self-medication to another and was drinking a lot. I would go out and get drunk and make out with random guys. I was about 225 lbs or so at that point, I had zero self esteem, but I thought that this was how people "dated". I got myself into dangerous situation and was raped after I drunkenly (and stupidly) went to the house of two guys who said they were having a party at their place. Of course, there was no party.
After that night, I stopped going out to bars and became phobic of drinking and of drunk people. I came back home and dived further into a secret eating world and bulimia. I got down to 120 lbs or so. In graduate school, I had the attention of many men (especially as I was in a male dominated field of study) but I wasn't interested. I was so deeply ashamed of my body that the idea of having even my upper arms exposed was just horrifying. I didn't know how I could have sex and keep my body covered. A man who was twenty years older than me began to give me attention in a non-threatening way. We shared writing and creative projects together and I thought we connected. I knew he was married previously, but he assured me that was in the past and he was divorced. We had a relationship for about a year during which I was finally sexually active. I never once took off my t-shirt during sex, though. I found out he was never divorced (although he was seperated) and our relationship ended.
After that I dated only a couple of other guys, never once fully exposing my body during sex. No one ever seemed to make a big issue about it when I made it clear that unless my t-shirt was on, we weren't having sex. The eating disorder continued. I started to gain weight, even though the binging and purging hadn't really increased or decreased. I think the bulimia justs completely messes with your body. (I've left out of this story many scary trips to hospitals due to passing out and heart palpitaitons)
At 250 lbs I met the man who would become my husband. We dated for a full year and a half before having sex. I was so uncomfortable with my body... and i still am. Soon before we married, my fiance confronted me about the bulimia and basically said it needed to end before we could get married. Wow. This was over 10 years of this lifestyle and it was a lot to ask. I refused to go to therapy because I can't stand the idea of talking to a stranger about these things and I am very very shy. (I guess 'talking' online is easier...) I got a self help book and worked through it. It took a good year to completely stop the bulmic behavior, and I still struggle with these urges today - but I rarely act on them. Anyway, back to our sex life... Soon after marriage we decided we wanted to have kids as we both love children. This means we have to have sex fairly regularly. I don't feel sexy or sexual at all when we have sex. I can even have an orgasm but not feel sexy or sexual - I don't know how to explain it. Now, more than ever, I feel like sex is means to an end. It's a way to get pregnant.
My biggest fear is passing along my bad food issues/habits (even unintentionally) to my children. But no one really knows about my eating disordered history - just my husband and mother. So I am hoping I can keep it hidden. BUT once again here I am getting off topic.
I am at my highest weight ever, and now sex is more difficult than ever. I feel our positions are limited (not that I was ever that adventurous) and I am worried that being so fat will prevent us from having family.
I feel almost asexual. There was a time when I wondered if I could be bisexual or even a lesbian, but I think it was just because I was so afraid of men. I can related to what someone else had mentioned about BDSM. I would prefer to be in control - and I actually feel the most comfortable and free when (here's a TMI) my husband is tied up and/or blindfolded.
As terrifed as I am of rape, I have have both rape nightmares and rape sexual fantasies to this day. It is really confusing. In reality, if a man is agressive towards me I freeze up and I am terrifed - not turned on. But in fantasy, for some reason, my brain tries to make rape sexual. I don't know why - but it obviously relates in some way to my first sexual experience at age 19.
So things are getting better for me. I hope if I lose weight, sex will be better still. But I can promise you that I will never take off my t-shirt. Ever.
![300+ sexuality issues linked with weight loss [Note: Frank Discussion!]](https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/iconimages/300-club/300-sexuality-issues-linked-weight-loss-%5Bnote-frank-discussion-%5D_ltr.gif)
Sorry...TMI there. Anyway, so yeah, where was I? Oh frisky. Before, my arthritis would have me hurting and I wouldn't want him to touch me, can I tell ya how much of a strain that put on things? But now that I am lightening up and not in much pain, things have gotten better. I still have moments where I look at him and wonder why he wants me even after 5 years and I laugh at the reaction of girls when we are out and they are checking him out and he is with me...Yes, I do get the little evil grin of pride that I have him and they want him. 
I was ecstatic because I really thought that part of me had "broken" beyond repair, if that makes any sense. 
Anyway, I had re-gained approximately 20 lbs. and guess what I noticed? My sex drive went down the tubes, my monthly friend started coming later and later--meaning 30-31 days and I just felt more and more disgusted with myself. 
By the time the stupid drain comes out I'll have my TOM so I'll have to wait even longer. I just can't seem to win right now. 
But losing that 25 lbs. seemed to restart my engine and I'm very happy about that. 
Vicki
