Nancy -- No worries so far! I put a bit of a disclaimer at the top. I think it's an important topic and everyone's doing great with it so far.
I've been thinking about my own $.02 and I agree wholeheartedly that attitude is a HUGE part of the equation. I'm sure we all know people who are "normal" weight by anyone's definition and still don't feel sexy... if it were just about weight that wouldn't be the case.
But obese people do have a tough go of it -- it seems like you have to actively work at having the attitude more when you're heavier than other people do. That's how it seems... not sure that's really a true statement.
It was difficult for me to have any kind of confidence in my sexuality at my high weight. And yet, my husband did insist that I was sexy. I love that man! But even having lost 120 pounds I struggle with this issue. In many ways, I am not satisfied how I look with my clothes off. I don't like the sagging and the stretch marks that I tend to see more often in that situation.
And, like others, I think gaining weight was a way for me to hide from my sexuality when I was younger. I figured anyone who would be attracted to me would be looking at more than just my body... (I didn't know about "chubby chasers" when I had those thoughts)... so fat was a kind of protection against attention that was unwanted. Of course, I've never figured out why I didn't want it in the first place....
I got to wondering last night how much of my issues really have to do with my size and how much are just issues.
Wow Nancy, you hit a homer there with me.
For whatever reason or reasons, I haven't wanted an intimate relationship. The fat wall around me has protected me (for the most part) from relationships.
I was thinking about one of the reasons for my aversion.... I know intimate relationships take a lot of hard work and trust to be successful. I've watched 2 of my 3 sisters get married and divorced 7 times. I've also seen my parents hit their 50th anniversary, so it's not like I haven't seen the working side of a marriage. One of my aversions to an intimate relationship appears to be based on a lack of trust. The addition of low self-esteem because I don't feel feminine does not help matters, but it's a side effect of my size. The padding of fat that I've kept around me since before puberty has prevented me from experiencing how to work through those trust issues. Leave it to me to have an issue that manifests itself outwardly for the world to witness!
What I have known in the past is that I trusted food to comfort and sedate me and I trusted the resulting fat to protect me. What I know today is that my fat is causing me major health ailments that is making everyday living a chore. There is a whole list of things in the thread "Because of my weight...." that covers how difficult things have been.
Today, I losing weight for my health. I'm tired of being sick and tired. Today, what I see here are people who aren't afraid to deal with life on life's terms as they lose weight. Losing weight for me means I am facing my fears. Today, I know I can face those fears and the world will not crash down on me. I will probably continue to be terrified of intimate relationships, but I will not add fat to avoid them anymore. This padding is killing me! A good friend told me once "Fear knocked, Faith answered... and nothing was there".
As I continue my weight loss journey, I'll keep this topic in mind......"Which issues are size related and which are just plain ole issues?"
I can relate to a lot of these posts. I'll probably come back to this thread more than once.
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When I hit puberty, I was very tall, and had a big frame. My body was voluptuous, not fat. I had a Jane Russell body, which was not in vogue, but it certainly had its fans, though I couldn't understand why. I felt huge and ungainly, and altogether unattractive for that and because I was also a reader and an intellectual type. Not the type the teen boys I wanted generally went for. However, from the age of 12, older males took notice. The leering attention made me feel uncomfortable and icky.
In college, things changed, and I got a lot of attention, not just from older men, but men my own age. Looking at pictures of me from that age and through my 20s, I was beautiful, sexy, curvaceous and full of life. People would comment all the time that I did not know how pretty and sexy I was, and I never understood what they were talking about. I felt ugly and unworthy. With all the attention, much of it from the kind of men any parent would dream of for their daughters, I consistently chose the jerks who did not appreciate me for who I was, and treated me badly.
The unwanted leers and advances had an effect on me, and I began to blame myself, thinking I must be giving off signals inviting them. There was also an attempted rape that I blamed myself for.
As I gained weight, I still got a lot of attention. I got married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I didn't think I could do better or deserved better. This made no sense, considering the lineup of admirers that preceded him, but that I gave no notice to. On the positive side, no matter how big I got it didn't seem to matter to him. He still desired me.
At a certain point, I stopped experiencing my sexuality. The food effectively cut off my feelings and made me into a sexless blob...and big enough so that only the "chubby chasers" looked. That took care of the problem of unwanted attention, but it also cut off part of my identity and my life.
Now that I've stopped overeating, the sexual feelings have resurfaced, and it's caused a lot of emotional upheaval for me. Mainly, even though I've done a lot of work on myself, I am still fearful that I haven't made enough progress and will let another jerk in. But, I don't want to spend the rest of my life hiding behind my fat, and losing my health and vitality.
Being big gets in the way of a full sex life. There are positions and activities that become difficult or impossible. Why would we cut ourselves off from the enjoyment?
This is an interesting thread. I'm kind of lost myself because I was always a pretty frisky individual. It had it's ups and downs, and I noticed early on that if I was dressed up guys stayed away, but if I was sloppy looking they thought I was totally approachable, so I figured my weight worked the same way: When I was heavier I was less intimidating. I kind of figured, at least some of the time, that if a guy was interested, the HE had self-esteem problems or something wrong with him. I didn't always think that way, but I often did.
Now I find it... hopeful? that so many of you say that as the weight comes off, the interest goes up. Even tho my weight is much lower than my highest, it's like my switch was turned off. Zero interest. Since I heard on the radio yesterday that people in general enjoy intimacy beyond their 70's, I have to hope that interest returns as my health improves. I NEVER thought I'd feel this way, but it's something I generally just dread anymore, and I really don't want to spend the next 25 years avoiding or merely tolerating it.
Wow....I see myself in so many of your stories. But I think I'm closest to Lilion's story.
I was never feminine, I don't have large breast, matter of fact for my build, I'm pretty small.
I find some of the things that women do such as pedicures, manicures, waxing and all that stuff sort of self-indulgent, but then again, I think I would love to do it just to see what it would be like. To put that much time and effort into just me...for me. I don't wear makeup, because I never go anywhere, and for the most part, when I was at my highest weight, I would slupp around in a stained t-shirt and jeans.
As I lose weight, I'm wearing nicer clothes and do put on makeup if we happen to go somewhere.
I remember when I was around 15 or 16, my Dad telling me not to get fat because men didn't like that. I don't know if that had anything to do with it since I was heavy since I was around 7 or 8. I was the geek of the family. Mousey hair, big framed glasses with those goofy corners that went up, and wore clothes that my Mom made me for the most part. I had some good friends, but never any boyfriends.
Went I got a job, the guys would ask me about my friends, not about me. Then I started going to the bar with the people that were a little older than me, I was only 19 but they thought I was older. I would drink like crazy and then if a guy was looking at me, I would go out to their car and make out and play touchy feely but never go as far as have sex. Then the next time I saw them, they would act like they didn't even know me. I don't know why I didn't go all the way with them.
And then it seemed when I did start having a relationship with someone...I was all for the chase and it was great in the beginning. Sex was great, but then it seemed I would become more inhibited the more I got to know this person. I too, would wonder why he could be interested in me. Didn't my flab bother him, or was he just in it for an "easy piece"? So then I would pull away further, and eventually we would break up because he couldn't figure out why we weren't as close as we used to be.
It was the same way with my first husband but there were alot of other factors there, and I'm the one that wanted the divorce.
Now with my hubby now, it was great in the beginning, I was about 70 lbs lighter. I was the persuer, I initiated. But I've felt myself pull away the last couple of years. I don't feel worthy of his love and don't see how I could be attractive or interesting to him.
I don't think I've ever had a man tell me I'm beautiful or sexy therefore, I don't think I have ever felt sexy or beautiful.
Maybe I put too much into what others think of me instead of what I feel or preceive myself to be. I've noticed with each pound I lose, I like my body a little bit more. I don't love myself and at times I don't like myself.
So I think what it all comes down to, is I'M the one with the issues...and yes fat probably plays a part in it, and maybe even what my Dad said about men and fat women, but I don't blame him...I did this to myself.
Even now my hubby is the one that has to initiate sex. I feel that I don't want to bother him with it, if I want it. I guess I feel, being fat, I shouldn't want it, that I don't deserve it.
Now with losing the weight that I have, I feel a little bit better about myself. I still don't initiate anything, not even a hug....sorta sad. But with each pound I lose, I KNOW I will overcome this fear of being loved, and deserve to have and feel love again....and I know that my hubby will be there for me.
I'm glad we can come here and discuss these issues and find out that I'm not the only one feeling this way.
Well I'm going to be honest here and go out on a limb that I normally don't. and you all will either think I'm the worst man ever and be ban form 3fc or you wont lol. BTW this will be a long post.
From I'd say the 3rd grade I've thought about women. I don't know why I just know I liked boobs. I'm an only child and I grew up in the country there were no kids around me and to go to one of my school friend's house it was at least a 20min drive. (you'd have to drive better then 30mins to find a road with a sidewalk so when I mean country I mean country). In elementary school I had lots of friends and socially well adjust my best friends were Kevin and ray and I was big dog at the school so to speak everyone knew me from the principle down. (all for good reasons). But for the most part I played alone and grew up alone.
It wasn't till middle school that I found out I was the weird one and an out cast. Elementary I had gone to a school an hour away from home Middle school was close to home may 30mins away. Other then Ray and Kevin I didn't know anyone and they were on totally different schedules then me. I was fat and we didn't have much money so I ended up where sweat pants a lot and I had a terrible cow lick. Since I wore sweat pants they didn't always stay up well. Basically 6th grade was **** on earth if it could go wrong it did socially. So all my 1st impressions were bad ones. Manly because I was naive and didn't dress well. I got made fun of a lot, I sucked at little league I wonder sometimes to this day If I was an embarrassment to my dad. Boy scouts was bad too I just never fit in anywhere. All the time I still thought of girls and being able to hang out but no one ever wanted too nor was I ever invited anywhere unless it was a prank.
Then high school it wasn't much better. For those of you with kids do not rely on the school to teach your kids about sex ed as my parents did. Even with health class and sex ed class from elementary school up I didn't figure out what a vagina was until I saw a hustler when I was in 12th grade. So for 4 year I never understood why everyone would ask me sexual questions and then laugh at the answers. I never fit in at high school I was the butt of many jokes never went on a date even though I had asked girls out. I did get to dance at my ring dance. Pity or a bet or for laughs at my expense I don't know but I enjoyed myself even tho she never spoke to me again even tho I tried. Didn't learn how to tie my shoes till I 15, didn't understand the female body till I was 17 and never knew how to masturbate until I discovered how to when I was 19. I've always been late to the party. I didn't fall threw cracks academically but socially I not only did I fall threw the crack I fell into a black hole.
I grew up fat and awkward girls would rather spit on me then give me the time of day. I didn't even fit in with the misfits.
OK at this point if your still reading I thank you I'm digging in scars that hurt a lot but necessary for you all to understand whats about to come.
Then one day when I was 20 someone noticed me and actual took interests in me as a whole person. Other then family (I've had no friends since elementary school I was just always around people but never matter unless they needed something) no one actually cared about me as a person in a physical sense. She did and I got my 1st kiss at 20. Lost my virginity at 21. I loved her but and she loved me but not in the same way so we split ways. I've had 2 girl friends both ended in disasters because I'm a touchy feely person when it comes to the one I love and they were not and would push me away and thus I would withdraw from them and thus we'd break up and both were very messy. This also make its had to be in a relationship let alone have sex.
So here I am still fat not happy in my own skin how can anyone love me or want to have sex with me. I also have performance issues. The desire is then then want is there for 10 times a day however we have stage fright and even with lil blue pills still can't make the curtain call.
So here I am fat, unhappy in my own skin, and the idea of "on demand" is not in my area I'm lucky to "56k dial up". Wanting to have sex but who would want to with me and even if I did I could satisfy them what to I have to offer a woman cause a one night stand isn't even possible.
Then I discovered something and this were I really step out. I found BDSM and at point in my life I had a lot emotions going on and for the first time I found people who I clicked with and I felt expected for me and people looked beyond the fat. Its not what Hollywood and books of fictions make it out to be matter of fact its not anywhere close. It was people of every walk of life and every shape and size there were people bigger then me enjoy themselves. Physically! They were happy with who they were and happy in their own skin.
I found freedom I found what I had found when I was 21 I was accepted. I learned to accept myself to be happy with me. A mind set and an outlook on life that had been set since middle school shattered. I'm still fat, sex is awkward still cause of my fat and yes I still get stage fright be from being over excited rather then I'm worthless. I moved on cause its hard to be in the scene without a partner exspeacilly when you're a guy but also cause I think I got what I needed from it to.
To me to feel sexual on the outside you have to feel sexual on the inside. To feel sexual on the inside you have to be comfortable with yourself, you have to like and love yourself. To do that you have to see the good inside you but its hard for we are own worst crits. To find the good in yourself you need someone else to see it first. For someone to accept you for who you are for them to say I like you.
OK so you all know more about me then you may have wanted too
John, you aren't the worse man ever, so don't even keep that thought in your head.
Women have stage fright issues as well, but are better at hiding it!
I see a lot of myself in your description of being fat and awkward. When I would try reach through my "fat wall" protection and try this thing called a relationship, I felt very awkward and unworthy due to my size.
I still keep pondering about this topic as more people add their experiences and feelings. Which issues are weight-related and which are just issues? It's like peeling an onion. Of course, it's not a black and white separation. Some of my awkwardness issues will disappear as I lose weight and others will appear!! Interestingly, my mom has brought up the subject of my apron (pannis) because of friend of hers has lost a tremendous amount of weight and has one. I've spoken frankly to Mom instead of avoiding the issue, and it's showed me how much loving support I have from her.
Thanks for everyone's input.. as touchy as this topic is, I believe it's important.
Wow. I am in love with this thread and I hope more people find it and give their input. I see a little of myself in so many of your stories.
I spent a huge deal of my life feeling unworthy. During my last relationahip I constantly would ask my ex why they heck he found me attractive. What did he say that I obviously wasn't seeing??? I remember often during our times of having sex that I would try to keep a shirt on to hide my stomach (I've had a tummy long before having a child) or I'd use my hands to cover it. He used to get so annoyed with me. He wondered how I could not find myself sexy. And so now in a new relationship and 90 pounds heavier than I was then, I'm scared to death of intimacy. Yes, I have my days when even at this weight I feel sexy but lately most days, I do not. So like many of you, I'm trying to figure out what are weight issues and what are just MY issues.
Another big part of my sexuality issues is that I started developing very young. I entered the third grade in a D cup (I was a DD by the 6th grade), bigger than most teachers. So here I was at 8 years old being ogled and stared at by very grown men. And the inappropriate comments still turn my stomach to this day. I may have had breasts but you would tell I was just a child. This made me extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt fat and ugly and thought anyone who liked me didn't like ME but thought I was easy because of my chest size. To this day when I find men looking at me I feel that same uncomfortable feeling like I was 8 years old all over again.
This is such an awesome thread, and I'm glad that people feel comfortable enough to be honest. I can relate to so much of what most people have said. I was sexually abused from the age of 5 or so until 11, and of course it was during that time that I started gaining weight and pretty much never stopped until now. The one good thing was that I was always physically active, so I think that helped.
I didn't really date until I got to college, not for lack of options but I was so afraid of anything that was sexual. I never told my mom about the abuse but then the day before my 16th birthday my mom told me that she was raped when she was 16. I don't know if it was meant to be a cautionary tale or what, but men scared me on an intimate level. What was so interesting was that I was able to stand up to men and defend myself in every other way, if I felt they were being sexist or judgemental, but I could never really get close to anyone.
In college I discovered internet dating and that's how I met my first boyfriend. I had sex for the first time right before my 21st birthday. My fat felt like a shield of protection. I felt confident, sexy, and attractive with the men I was with because I assumed if they already saw what I looked like then they already know what my body looked like. Once I got over being scared of sex and the idea that it didn't have to be forced on me I began to enjoy it. But I truly believed my fat would protect me from further harm and unwanted attention. For a long time I was unconsciously afraid to lose weight.
As a result, I wore my fat as a badge of honor and it was my form of rebellion. It wasn't until my grandmother died of diabetes complications that I realized being fat was not the way to go. Most of the women in my family are fat, alone, and unhappy and I didn't want that for my life. I knew there was something better. With the combination of a great therapist and constantly learning about how to be a healthy whole person I've finally started to shed the pounds and be more comfortable with who I am.
I still haven't really been in a serious committed relationship. Most of my relationships have been highly sexual, a pattern that I am now working on trying to break, but it is a work in progress. Now it's a matter of realizing that I can offer more than just sex and my body in a relationship. Part of that is issues with boundaries that I still have to work on, but I am in process.
Goodness Tracey, I can so relate to what you said. I got my first bra in second grade and my breasts grew until I had a reduction in graduate school. Men made me feel dirty and disgusting by the way they ogled me. The other girls were jealous because I had developed so early, but they had no idea how much of a burden it was. I never showed my body, I always wore sweats, big t-shirts, etc... But it didn't matter, men and boys alike felt comfortable making comments. I fought a lot of guys as a result of the level of disrespect. I hated it!
Goodness Tracey, I can so relate to what you said. I got my first bra in second grade and my breasts grew until I had a reduction in graduate school. Men made me feel dirty and disgusting by the way they ogled me. The other girls were jealous because I had developed so early, but they had no idea how much of a burden it was. I never showed my body, I always wore sweats, big t-shirts, etc... But it didn't matter, men and boys alike felt comfortable making comments. I fought a lot of guys as a result of the level of disrespect. I hated it!
Most of my issues related to sex probably come from my weight. It has been pounded into me time and again that I am NOT attractive. I was teased so much during school. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 18........and then I found out he was married and just wanted to get laid. It was heartbreaking...to have someone show any interest in me, tell me they thought I was beautiful, and then use me in a way no one should have to go through. I was convinced I was never going to get any genuine affection. I have no waist. My boobs are tiny. I have rolls and folds in places no person should have them. I am not confident.
And now here I am, married. Happy ending? Not so much. I still have a ton of issues. Mostly with my body. When my husband tells me I am beautiful, I turn away and make a silly comment. I try to be "cute" about it, but in reality I know it is because I don't believe him. If I can't even stand to look in a mirror at myself, how can he bare seeing me? How can he stand touching me? How can he bare making love to me? Since I have started losing weight, I have gained a little confidence. I feel changes in my body more than see them. Our sex life has improved by leaps and bounds. And every couple pounds less it gets better. As someone already said, having "less in the way" really does help positions and depth and whatnot (sorry if I am being a little TOO frank here...). Feeling those things has given me a bit more confidence in myself and in my ability to succeed not only in this weight loss battle, but in life. That I don't have to spend the rest of it miserable, hating my body, hating the way I look, hating the way people look at me. Note: a little. I struggle with all these things and it has made it very hard to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage. I am a sexual creature, and I am just now starting to be able to discover that, and not be SO afraid of what I want...what I desire. It's a long road, but at least I even found the beginning of it.
I love this thread to pieces. Hurry, more people post! I want to read more! lol
What a great thread. I've been reading it and needed to think about it. It's not a topic I LIKE to think about. Not sex. Sex is good. But the fat and sex, don't like to think about that so much.
I wasn't fat until after I had my first baby. So when I got married I was a "normal" weight. I've never been a twig, but always had curves. I always had a lot of unwanted attention from men, especially men older than me. I was also exceedingly shy and didn't like that sort of attention AT ALL. So, I think one of the many reasons I've kept the weight on is I don't get that sort of attention and I can handle the "look how fat she is" stares much better than the sexual stares and comments. So being fat is a great protector.
My DH, bless his heart, has always been interested no matter what my size. After my first baby I was complaining about what I weighed (I would be THRILLED if I weighed that now) and he said something to the effect that what did I expect I just had a baby. He doesn't seem to mind the saggy boobs ( he says parts of him aren't where they used to be either). I am not in any way blaming him because my fat is my deal, but I wonder if he had ever once said your getting a little hefty there, if I would have done something? Maybe not, I might have just been pissed. But since he didn't seem to care, I obviously didn't.
Our sex life is still pretty good - not what it once was - but some of that is probably natural after being married 21 years. Here comes the part where my fat issues get mixed up with my sexuality. I've never told my husband any of this so the poor guy has no idea he's a part of this little mind game. Having sex with me is how he "proves" that he loves me, because obviously he wouldn't want to have sex with me if he didn't love me since I am so fat. I play these little mind games with myself - how many days has it been? Why haven't we had sex? He must find me gross or doesn't love me anymore. (Reality is the poor guy gets up at 4 am every day to go to work and works 50 hours a week so he's tired.)
So I wonder if that is why I stay fat - how will he prove he loves me if I am thin? Yikes - there's an issue I didn't know I needed to work on....
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