Earlier this evening, I was having a pretty serious conversation with my boyfriend...

He was extremely upset, talking about it even brought him to tears...and he was worried because we're becoming so distant with each other...I mean, we've never had TONS in common, but we enjoy each others company, and we manage to find things to do together...I don't even know where to start, I'm just so upset right now...

I guess I'll make a list of all the things he said...I think that's the only way that I can really talk about it without going off on a tangent...

1) We're becoming distant, physically and emotionally
2) He (jokingly) said that I have bad breath
3) We have trouble finding things to do together
4) I'm extremely controlling and demanding
5) He feels like this is all stuff we've talked about before and it hasn't been fixed so he doesn't know how much good talking about it now is going to do..and he even said something like "maybe it would just be better to end it" (although I think I've convinced him that's a bad idea...it's still nerve wracking...)

I mean, I KNOW we are becoming distant...or at least I am. Since I started trying to lose weight, it's like I started letting myself care about my body...so instead of ignoring all my physical flaws I became determined to fix them...but they're not fixed yet and since I'm not just ignoring them they make me super uncomfortable....my confidence level has gone way down...I don't let him hold me...I don't kiss him, we're not physical at all anymore...I just feel so nervous around him. I don't want him to see all the flaws I see, so I just don't let him see me at all...and I know that's terrible for our relationship, but I don't know how to get past it..


I've always had bad breath. I brush my teeth two or three times a day, I floss, I use mouth wash multiple times a day...my breath is still terrible. The dentist said I've just got bad breath...I've never had a cavity in my life...but I will brush my teeth, and a minute later my breath is terrible....this is something I've ALWAYS been self conscious about. I mean, it's not like I don't know about it...it's always been this way...and I don't know why he had to bring it up, ESPECIALLY if he was just joking about it...because HE knows it's always been that way, and it definitely made me feel even worse then I was already feeling, and for the rest of the conversation I wouldn't even look him in the face because I was crying and trying to hide it, and I didn't want him to have to smell my damn stinky breath...


We CAN find things to do together...but sometimes we don't agree on what we want to do at one specific moment...and this kind of ties in to me being controlling....you see, he's very passive and doesn't make decisions...so I'll say "well lets just do this" and he hesitates before he says okay and expects me to just know that its not what he really wanted to do. I mean I know I'm controlling sometimes, but he needs to step up and make some decisions and tell me NO sometimes instead of just letting me walk all over him. I'm sick of him being so passive, I want him to stand up to me sometimes...and thats probably part of why I'm so controlling sometimes...and I've told him, if he just told me "Rachel stop you're being controlling, let ME pick something for once" I wouldn't get upset with him...because thats what I WANT....right now if I ask him what he wants to do, he says "i dunno"...and he says it's because he doesn't want to suggest something and have me be unhappy doing whatever it is....he doesn't see that it needs to be a COMPROMISE...where sometimes HE needs to get what he wants, even if it's not what I want...and I don't know what to do about it..




I guess I've come to the realization that I need to fix this stuff, or I'm going to lose him...and I love him more then anything...I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. If he proposed today, I'd probably say yes (the only reason I wouldn't is because I'm 19 and I don't want to get married this young)...but I just don't want to lose him....I don't know how to make myself feel better about myself...but that's what I need to do or I'm not going to be able to make him happy. I need to suck it up and stop being so distant and be physically and emotionally close to him again...but I'm just so ashamed of how I look and how I feel...I just need to get OVER it...but I don't know how =/




I know, I rambled on a lot...but I'm still really shaken up over this stuff...and I just don't know where else to turn...and I guess because a lot of it is confidence issues that are tied into my weight loss...that maybe I'll be lucky and SOMEONE here will understand...

If you read it all, thanks so much for listening.

Oh, honey, I think i could have written most of your post myself about ME (except my SO is the one with the bad breath! )!

I am so sorry that you're in distress. I have a hug for you and will post again when I have the time later.

Thanks for posting even though you didn't have much time. It helps just knowing there is someone out there who has felt what I'm feeling. I definitely needed the hug...

I just want to say that even though you feel bad about your "flaws" obviously your boyfriend doesn't see them that way. Men (and a lot of women) place a lot of importance on physical affection. When they don't get it they feel unloved and unwanted.

My fiance and I are a thousand miles apart right now. I understand the hard part in finding things to do. You should try to place an emphasis on being close and spending time together even if it's going to a movie and holding hands or sitting close to each other and talking.

About the bad breath, have you seen a doctor? (not a dentist) There may be a physical underlying cause for it? I have pretty bad morning breath and my SO has said things in the past, and though I was offended I just get up and brush my teeth. But I can see if it's a constant thing that's not reasonable.

Why are you controlling? About what? Of these things you "control," do they really matter? Are they really BIG deals? Sometimes relationships are about picking your battles. Scratch sometimes... all of the time! My fiance is the demanding one in our relationship and it has taken a lot of work and figuring out what TRULY matters to him and what is minor and not worth it.

My fiance and I have had lots of issues in the past and it took us a long time to get past certain faults and being more understanding of the other person.

I know he probably doesn't even notice most of my flaws, but it still bothers me because I want to be perfect for him...and that means not being flawed...

I haven't seen a doctor about the bad breath, but it's definitely something I'll look into. I honestly hadn't even thought about it.

My boyfriend lives about an hour and a half away so we don't spend as much time together as we'd like...he comes down every once and a while when he's got a chance...and I guess that makes it WORSE that I'm not as affectionate as I used to be, since he doesn't get to see me much anyways....but I'm definitely at least going to try to be closer to him.

I think the only reason I'm controlling is because he never makes decisions. It's stuff about like what to do or what (or where) to eat, or when to do something...and I guess the BAD things that I really need to work on are trying to get him to do stuff for me so I don't have to do it myself, but I've already cut back on that and he even said that I've gotten better about that...it's more the simple decisions that he could make himself but I ASK what he wants and he says "i dunno"...and I can't be the only one involved in fixing it. He's going to have to start making decisions.

I keep telling him we can work it out, and that we'll be fine...I'm just worried he'll stop believing me...

no one is perfect. and maybe your personalities just don't mix well. i've been known as controlling myself, and usually its helpful to date someone that can stand up to you, not be controlled.

feel better *hugs*

I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice, but as to the self-confidence and body image issues, I think you need to spend some time discovering what you like about your body. You've lost a lot of weight and that's wonderful! Has that brought you any body confidence, just a little? When it comes to the things you don't like about your body, my therapist has me find two good things for every bad thing I come up with. So if I don't like the way my thighs look for example, I can at least say I do like my legs in general and I like how strong they are and how great they feel when I'm walking. Make sense? Then if you go through that exercise every time you have a negative thought, it gets easier and easier to start to be kind to yourself and appreciative of all the good in you.

As to the breath, we've all got it sometimes! I'm sure you've tried everything, but what about a tongue scraper? They are cheap at the drugstore and they are amazing in terms of getting the gunk off your tongue. I do it after I brush and am always amazed (and grossed out) when I see what it scrapes off - and I brush my tongue too.

It does sound like he's good at identifying issues, but does he offer any solutions? You might ask him how he thinks you two can work on the things he's concerned with. Hang in there...

On the breath issue...did you, by any chance, have a lot of tonsil issues growing up? For example, tonsilitus or ear infections? I ask because I have a tonsil thing...basically, my tonsils form tonsiloliths, because they are full of pockets and holes (which also caused a lot of infections in my tonsils growing up). Basically, the pockets in your tonsils can collect gunk and that forms hard balls that are really, well, stinky. So you may want to ask your doctor. You can remove tonsiloliths a variety of ways, including with a waterpik. If you don't have a strong gag reflex, you can try gently pressing on your tonsils with an index finger...if you have them, they may start popping out, and well, that's a confirmation.

As for the relationship issues...have you asked what resolution, for him, would look like? It can but he frustrating to be told you have issues without being told what "fixed" would look like. And have you discussed the body issues, and possibly some compromises? For example, is touching ok except on a certain area? Physical intimacy is important for relationships, even if it's a bit of a challenge.

Hang in there.

On bad breath: if you have good oral hygiene, and it sounds like you do, it could be caused by digestive issues (intolerance to certain kinds of foods, etc). I had chronic bad breath for a while when I ate a lot of dairy products, for example. (I like Amanda's suggestion of the tonsil pick better, though.)

But more importantly: DON'T let yourself feel embarrassed. Just -- don't! He obviously was attracted to you despite your breath and despite any physical "flaws" -- we're all flawed! -- so you cannot let self-improvement get in the way of intimacy with him and your self-confidence. Seriously. In addition to the fact that you love your boyfriend, the quickest way to sabotage yourself is to make losing weight such an unpleasant experience.

You have to banish the idea of your body as "flawed." Flawed as compared to what? No one is perfect, but you are beautiful the way you are -- your boyfriend believes it, after all, or he wouldn't have chosen to be with you in the first place! You are not flawed. Where you were before your weight loss journey was a base line, and every step you take is an improvement. Every pound you shed should make you even more confident and feel even more sexy. Hugs and best of luck.

May I ask how old he is? It could be an age thing. It seems like men seem to make more decisions as they mature. But even if it isn't that would be something you should compromise on. If he can't come up with places to eat ask specifics and see if he responds and don't forget to explain that you want to do something he would be interested in doing and would appreciate him giving his opinion (if he plays the "I Dunno" game)

VERY excellent point!

Edit: Oh and tonsoliths are icky!

Sorry to hear about this Divine

I've been in that situation too, and I think a lot of other ladies too, not that it makes it any easier or less hurting I suppose.
My advice would be to ask yourself a few questions like why do you think you need to be "perfect" for him and what are your expectations of his body. The kind of guy who would fixate on your flaws probably isn't the kind of guy you would want anyway, but I doubt your guy is like that. Also one way of tackling this could be to just persistently tell yourself something positive when a negative thought or body insecurity pops up in your mind. I like to think of my negative thoughts as the dementors from the Harry Potter books, that only will cause imprisonment and misery if you don't give it your best shot at resisting them.

I just wanted to comment on a comment, lol. As far as the bad breath...the tonsilolith thing (also referred to as tonsil stones)...I have those! And while they don't constantly cause bad breath, they can definitely contribute. It's like a pearl...something gets caught in one of those pockets or little places in your throat and it builds. Kind of gross, but maybe that could be an issue for you too?

Good luck to you honey

Mandalinn (or anyone), did you have tonsoliths you can't feel? Because I really feel them, they're uncomfortable, and I have to brave the gagging and try to scrape them out. But now I wonder if I only feel some of them (I don't notice it all that often, and it always happens when eating), but maybe I have other ones all the time that I don't feel.

I think I must have been experiencing them my whole life...sometimes I cough them up?? I just never knew what it was until I got a bad one. (I know, this is so gross...trust me, I'm never thrilled about it).

I had a few bad ones here lately though (I've had a lot of throat, sinus and ear issues this year) and they weren't painful, but annoying. I kept feeling like I had a hairball...so it was just this constant weird feeling like something stuck in my throat (which of course, there was).

The ones I cough up though? I never feel them until they are in the back of my throat and being coughed up.

(I apologize to anyone who was icked out reading that!)

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time. I know what it's like to feel totally uncomfortable and embarrassed about the way I look and how it feels to want so badly for my boyfriend to find me perfect in his eyes. For me, it was/is about confidence, but its also a lot about trust. I've got to TRUST that he isn't going to judge me; I've got to TRUST that he means it when he says I'm beautiful and sexy; I've got to TRUST that he loves me for ME and really does want to be with me like he says.

So, while I'm working on my confidence around other people, I trust and love him enough to know that even if I can't be confident around anyone else, I can be 100% confident when I'm with him. Now, I know this is a lot easier said than done.. I still get embarrassed/nervous when he sees me without clothes or even IN them sometimes.. but I'm upfront about my issues and (he's a great guy) he always does his best to make me feel better.

It sounds like he misses you a LOT.. the best advice I can give is to tell yourself everyday, all the time, that he loves you exactly as you are and would still love you even if you never lost another pound. He's with you now, so enjoy the time you have with him and keep reminding yourself that even if you can't be comfortable around anyone else, you can be comfortable around him.


As far as him not having a loud enough "voice" or opinion on where you go and things like that, have you told him everything you've told us? About how you want him to tell you no sometimes and want to do things with him that make HIM happy too? Maybe he just needs to hear it from you..

I really hope I've helped... you know we love you and are here for you!