a LOT of issues, and a realization... - Page 2 - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community


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Old 01-04-2010, 02:59 PM   #16  
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It seems you guys talk about the issues but don't come up with resolutions.

Identifying the problem- GREAT! But now think "okay here is the problem, what's the solution?"

For instance- he doesn't know what to do but then doesn't always like what you plan- okay that's EASY. My husband and I do different things, and we plan them. So one time I'll plan the outing, the next time he will. That way when we get together we KNOW what's going to happen.

So tell your bf "okay, next time we go out, have a plan, pick out what we'll do, where we'll eat (as long as you can get proper choices for your diet), etc. Then that day we'll do what you planned and next time it's my turn."

If the day comes and he hasn't planned anything that's when you talk again and point out that he agreed to make the plan- so why didn't he follow through? What will it take for him to follow through? Does he now not agree with the solution? Well then what's a better one? Or one he can do?

That's the basic formula IMO. 1- find the problem. 2- find a solution you both can agree on. 3- carry it out, if the problem occus again it's back to the drawing board.
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Old 01-04-2010, 03:29 PM   #17  
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(I) Has your boyfriend been on the bad end of controlling relationships in the past? Or was his mother a very dominant woman? For the first year my sweetie and I were together, he was still skittish from a former relationship with a bad power balance and afraid to make any moves. We could be stuck for half an hour trying to figure out what to eat for dinner because I didn't really care but he was petrified of making the wrong decision and angering me. Your boy might not be reacting to control that you've exerted, but his timidity originates from a reinforced impression that women get angry if they don't get exactly what they want.

(II) My sweetie has really bad breath. There is no chronic condition; that's just the way it is. In the beginning, when we did a lot of kissing, he regularly popped Altoids. After 2+ years we've moved on to cuddling, so it isn't an issue. If your breath makes you self conscious, there are other ways of expressing affection that don't involve breathing on each other.

(III) I'm going to take the tough love approach: your body issues are your problem, and there's nothing he can do on his end to fix it. Sometimes you've just got to man up and let him huggle a tummy you think is a too big or squeeze fingers you think are too pudgy. Think of it this way: perfect women are intimidating. From what you've said about your boyfriend's character, if you had the ideal hardbody, your relationship would fall apart faster than a sand castle at high tide. Why? He's already afraid of making decisions you don't like, bespeaking of deep-seated inferiority complexes. Imagine the power imbalance if you were a supermodel.
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Old 01-04-2010, 04:05 PM   #18  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieJ08 View Post
Mandalinn (or anyone), did you have tonsoliths you can't feel? Because I really feel them, they're uncomfortable, and I have to brave the gagging and try to scrape them out. But now I wonder if I only feel some of them (I don't notice it all that often, and it always happens when eating), but maybe I have other ones all the time that I don't feel.
Oh yeah, I can feel them and they hurt! I have a strong gag reflex, but I fight through it to get those out. They're foul. I use a q-tip.
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:18 AM   #19  
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wow, i felt like I was reading my own thoughts! it's tough feeling unloved and in a relationship that you just can't seem to find away to fix the problems because you haven't got to root of the problems... i just had a long talk recently with my SO and realized things I never had before and am now in the process of deciding what to do with those realizations... do I see if anything changes? do I make a plan to leave him and get out on my own? I feel like it could work out but at the same time I feel like I might feel relief and renewal if I did just leave him. anyways... Love is complicated.

On a side note... I am so glad I don't have tonsils!!! I was so little when I had them out I don't even remember having them! Yikes! I have a horrible gag reflex and just recently started using a tongue scraper and I love it... I've always had a hard time brushing my tongue with out gag and possibly barfing! eewww! But I can tongue scrape with out any problems!

Also on the breath... excess Meat, yeast, and other certain foods can cause bad breath... maybe do some research on food sources that can cause bad breath. If something isn't digesting right in your body it could be causing the bad odor to come out either ends!
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:31 AM   #20  
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I think the girls pretty much covered it here... but I do have a few thoughts.

Have you tried to seek counseling since you've started losing weight? If you've read anything I've posted you know that on this journey I started seeing a therapist. One of the BEST decisions I ever made. While we're focusing primarily on my binging disorder right now, there have been discussions about how eventually there are things that will be brought up BECAUSE of the weight loss and getting to goal. Meaning you don't have something to hide behind anymore and there are body image issues you have to work through as well.

NO ONE IS PERFECT. Unfortuantely in this society we've been beaten over the head with the "model" perfect image which doesn't really exist because even the models that are 5'10'' 100lbs have things airbrushed.

YOU have to be comfortable with YOU... YOU have to be able to make YOURSELF happy before you can make your boyfriend happy.

Being comfortable in your own skin is something we ALL struggle with on a day to day basis. Like someone else mentioned... make a list, for every one thing that you find FLAWED find something at least two things to LOVE about it. Make a list of affirmations and say them to yourself EVERY DAY. You feel like a huge dork at first but eventually it starts to sink in. You and your boyfriend started dating PRE-weight loss, correct? Your boyfriend LOVES you for WHO YOU ARE.... and let's face it... he's ATTRACTED to you. All of those flaws you see, he doesn't. Isn't that one of the best things about a relationship? The other person sees things in you that you don't? When it comes to intimacy... start slow if you need to. Like someone said, holding hands, hugging, maybe snuggling.... I personally don't like it when someone touches my stomach... it makes me SUPER self conscious... so there are ground rules of "don't do that, please." It's not really as big of a deal as you think it would be.

And I'm just going to back up what someone else pointed out... it's great that you can recognize the problem, but remember, you are a TEAM (or should be) so you have to find the SOLUTION together.

I'll be the one to burst your bubble (please don't hate me). You are 19. Boys will come, boys will go.... I remember meeting an ex that I seriously thought I was going to marry.... he was the first person I ever REALLY fell in love with (I also happened to be 19 at the time).... that was 7 years ago. He's married with a kid now... and NOT married to me (thank god). I have been blessed enough to love many people and in very different ways. I have been IN LOVE... like seriously head over heels on more than one occasion. Those didn't work out.... One relationship took me 2 years to get over. Guess what? I got over it... and just when I thought NOTHING would touch the way we felt about each other or the connection we had with each other and that I would NEVER EVER feel that way about someone ever again.... someone else showed up unexpectedly. I'm not saying that this guy isn't the one you're going to marry.... or that you don't love him or don't know what love is, I'm just saying... we get caught up in what we THINK things should be, but sometimes it's now whats in the cards.

Focus on YOU and everything else will fall into place. Remember that a relationship is about PICKING AND CHOOSING your battles (some just aren't worth the battle) and about COMPROMISE and COMMUNICATION.

Hope that helps.
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