Losing weight for love and feelings surrounding it
Hello Girl's
OK where to start..I've known my Boyfriend 2 years but we've only been a couple 6 months..he is Overseas so yes it has been and is an internet relationship..we were the greatest Friends/Brother/Sister either of us could of ever asked for a year before deepening our relationship..he knew I was big he just didn't know how big until I sent an unclear full size body photo the end of November not long after we became couple..ever since he has demanded(at times in cruel ugly and threatening manner)for me to lose weight..he wants me to weigh 110-132 pounds which I've tried getting him to understand is impossible for my height and bone structure..he plans to come in January 2007 or after I lose a great amount of weight(which really hurts cos it makes me feel I'm not good enough)..but he has to save back money and prepare to come so that is another reason..a Colleague/Friend of his who has been nothing but a pain in the azz has tried to convince my Boyfriend that I fooled him by sending older photo's where I'm smaller..that isn't true..I didn't have any at my House except the one I sent him in November(which I rescanned to hard drive the other day and resent to him)to send so I had to get prints of the full size body photo's I sent him the other day from my Aunt cos she took them..she owns a Convenient Store and has belongings strung from her House to several storage facilities so she doesn't have a lot of time to spare to hunt stuff up..I was scared sending even if I had any to send after what he did to me..when I first expressed my feelings back to him when we became couple middle November I told him I'm a big Girl..that was OK to him..he told me he is the type of Guy who doesn't notice what's on outside but looks at a Woman's Heart..before I sent the unclear photo again I told him I was scared..he said don't worry just send so I did..ever since losing weight and shaping up has been a forever constant consuming thing for him..it seems like we never talk about anything else..he thinks I'm beautiful,thinks I have a beautiful face,my inner qualities/character he says are superb,have every quality a Man would want in a Woman it's just my weight..I came to the realization years ago I wouldn't be accepted big and so far it's been pretty much how it's been..I know some might frown upon making changes to suit another(we've had our share of problems because of it)but only his actions surrounding the issue..YES I need to lose weight(he didn't have to tell me)and NO I'm not happy with myself currently..am thankful he wants me to make this change cos sometimes it takes an extra nudge,boost and push but I don't want to be mistreated in the process..I've had weight issues since age 4 I'm now 33 so it is something that can't be changed in nasty manner overnight..I will have to maintain probably for life once I reach my goal..sometimes the way he and the Colleague/Friend have me feeling is like I'm not worthy or good enough to deserve love,happiness,have a happy life,to be a Mommy or give love to a Man..it makes me question my abilities/capabilities as a Woman..he and I got along fine until this particular Colleague entered the picture..ever since it's been a horrifying nightmare I wish I would wake from..to be honest the Guy has caused HEAPS of problems for us but only cos he desires and wants me for himself..he admitted it to me the other day..so ever since he has tried splitting my Boyfriend and I up..I think he is being mean cos the Guy's at work tease and ridicule him..actually I would say he is doing it for 3 reasons..1)To make himself appear better 2)The Guy's at work ridiculing him 3)Porn has went to his head..he works at an Onshore site 28 days at a time so he and the Guy's partake in such activities..He doesn't think himself attractive..he thinks if I appear"perfect"in Public People will think he is..He sees himself this poor Guy from a poor Family in a poor Country..Not long after we became couple he said Sweetheart I want to ask you something I feel is important to me..he then said am not a good looking Guy honest then asked will you still want me when you see me in the physical..he also told a Friend of mine here on Telephone he is worried,scared and apprehensive when he knocks at my door I will not want him and will throw him out on the Street and he won't know anyone or have anyplace to go..I just wanted to vent as it has frustrated and been painful for me..
Last edited by Butter_Butt; 04-24-2006 at 10:44 PM.
Well first of all..if you guys are having this many problems before even meeting each other is it really worth it to you? You sound like a great person and he should want you no matter how big or small you are. Otherwise I dont really know what to say?
Blimey! Ok well here's my opinion (and that's all it is so feel free to ignore it).
If you want to lose weight do it for you not him. If you change for another you'll always feel insecure about how they feel about you. In asking you to change they are telling you that you're not right the way you are. You can find a man who'll love you for you and the first step is believing that.
My last boyfriend was always on about my weight, it really affected my confidence and drove my weight up. Now I'm with a guy who I know loves me whatever weight I am - you deserve that too.
I'm on line 4 of your message and already I say DUMP HIM!
If a guy doesn't love you for what you are on the inside he REALLY isn't worth it. Learnt that one the hard way, many times over!
The person who really loves you won't see your weight, won't see your extra love handles when you're making out. I constantly ask DF about this, since I was big when we first met and only a little smaller when we started going out. He says he never thought I was fat, or even remotely overweight. I know he's being serious, because I never saw him as properly underweight (although he was), I only saw the beauty inside. Crazy, but true.
I'm on line 4 of your message and already I say DUMP HIM!
That is exactly what I was thinking as well.
Sweetie, I think we all understand where you are coming from, and those words "dump him" sound so very cavalier, but you DO deserve to be loved at whatever weight you are. It certainly took a long time for me to learn that lesson, but I have a great husband now who doesn't care what I weigh. Fortunately, he is also supportive of my weight loss (and now his own), because health has become important to both of us... okay, I'm getting off track.
I was especially concerned when you said he demanded in a "cruel, ugly and threatening manner)for me to lose weight." That's not appropriate. Love and cruelty do not go hand in hand.
It sounds like you have some self-worth issues. Speaking from personal experience, it can take a long time to heal those, at any weight. You said "I came to the realization years ago I wouldn't be accepted big and so far it's been pretty much how it's been.." That is NOT true.
You may not believe me when I say that you DESERVE to be loved at any weight, and if you don't believe me and my example you can find 100 others on this board. Sometimes if we believe something to be true, we make it so -- that goes for positive and negative beliefs.
If you believe you deserve to be loved, you will be. But you have to be open to the idea.
UGH he isn't worth it -- As Coley said -- do it for YOU and no one else! If he doesn't or can't love you for who you are I would say ADIOS Baby. You are worth way more than that and don't you forget it!
I know these men are out there, I have one. He loves me for ME no matter what. Of course he is loving the weight loss but he knows this is for me and no one else. He tells me all the time he loves me for me and nothing else matters.
Honey, you deserve so much better. Why are you staying in this kind of relationship? He is demanding you to lose weight? If he has a problem with you now, you'll lose the weight and he'll find another problem. Trust me! He has made it apparently clear that is love is conditional and you don't need that kind of love. There is someone out there who will love you, all of you, just as you are right now. And will love you just the same when you lose weight. Someone who won't tell you, "I love you but...". You don't deserve that.
He has made it apparently clear that is love is conditional and you don't need that kind of love. There is someone out there who will love you, all of you, just as you are right now. And will love you just the same when you lose weight. Someone who won't tell you, "I love you but...". You don't deserve that.
Amen Tracey!!
BB, why settle?? Why not hold out for someone who will love you AS YOU ARE?? Believe me, it is worth it.
Listen to these women - he is bullying you. You may not want to listen but you should.
I've been there - we all have to a degree, even if it's a well meaning relative saying " my you're putting on the beef" - these comments don't help - they hinder.
he sounds like he has to compensate for his own inadequacies by demanding you look like a trophy girlfriend. You haven't even met him yet and he's making conditions. Perhaps it's best if that remains the case and you walk away before you become more involved and more hurt.
This guy sounds controlling and dangerous - i'm with Jen. Dump him! You've got to love yourself before you can really allow someone else to - someone worthy of you - and this guy does not sound worthy!
I didn't want to repeat everything that has already been said but I agree with every single person who has commented 100%.
I am so sorry because I know that none of this is what you want to hear, but it is so true! You deserve better!
You said something about everyone needs a nudge when it comes to weight loss and that is true but NO ONE deserves to be shoved and that is what he is doing.
Good luck!!! And we are all here for you to lean on if you do tell him to (beep) off!
BB, I'm not sure how much you weigh right now, but I have been with my boyfriend even when I weighed over 310 pounds (I met him when I was about 265-270), and he has NEVER in over 2 years asked me to lose a single ounce. He has loved me emotionally and physically, and even when I have mentioned my own insecurities about my physical appearance, he has told me he doesn't care about my weight or size, that he loves ME. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, not what they are, and you are no exception to that rule!
It is odd, also, that he demands a certain weight range (110-132?). Does he not realize that different weights look VERY different on different people? He's making rude and unrealistic demands on you before you've even met him--how can that possibly be the start of a healthy relationship?
I know you probably think you love him, but you really shouldn't love someone who treats you so carelessly. Are you sure you're not just more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend than you are with HIM? I met some guys online before (before I met my current boyfriend, whom I also met online), and I was just about head-over-heels for some of them, but when I sent pictures or mentioned my weight/size, they always got upset, so I let them go--NOT worth trying pursue a relationship that can't even survive such a simple event as sending a photo online! When I sent a photo to my current BF back when I first met him online, he kept asking for more. That was my first sign that he was a keeper
Butter- I also agree that you should dump him. Hes not worth it. Anyone that demands that you lose weight, isnt worth it. Back when I was married, my ex never said anything about my weight, he would actually bring me food and cookies and crap like that..I think he was trying to get me fat! I blame him, but thats a whole other story LOL.
You deserve someone so much better than that! I think you know in your heart whats best for you, and im 100% sure its NOT him!
Hope everything works out for you, keep us posted on what you do.
Ya, if the relationship someone is in is producing feelings of anxiety and self doubt, it isn't love. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
Holy Cow! He sounds controlling and insecure. Yes, I said insecure! This man needs to get it together before you or any other woman becomes too involved with him. Please be careful, it's too easy to feel like you're not good enough and settle for somone like this. MUCH TOO EASY!
Losing weight for love and feelings surrounding it
