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Old 11-28-2009, 02:20 AM   #1  
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Unhappy It's been 6 years since I started dieting and I've gained 50 pounds.

So, hi! This is my first time posting here.

I have been on an online dating website for a few years. I recently disabled my profile because a) I spend too much time on the website, and b) I'm not going to find the person I want to be with if I wouldn't want to be with myself.

Someone said, "You're just going to find something else to waste time on," and they're right. So far it's been stupid games online and going to the dumbest websites. I decided that, if I'm going to spend time on the internet, why not become absorbed in something that will help me?

So that's the reason why I'm here.

Now--the reasons why I'm fat.

I was chubby when I was a kid. At age 14, I thought I was fat. I had and have low self-esteem, and what I'm learning is that I had an incredibly warped image of myself. At 15, I remember being in a bathroom with two girls who I thought had great bodies; though one was slightly overweight, she was only chubby in a cute way. I thought I was a horribly disgusting whale compared to them. They convinced me to lift up my shirt, and we compared stomachs. They insisted that I had a great stomach, and that one of the girls and I looked incredibly similar. I put my shirt down and left the room because I wanted to cry. I saw beautiful girls with lovely curves when I looked at them, and a gross, blobby mess when I looked at myself.

The other day, I found old photos of myself. Was I chubby? Yes. Did I have a bad body? NO!! I had beautiful curves, too! I had a sudden, sick realization that the girl I see in the mirror hasn't changed at all in the last 4-5 years. My physical body finally caught up to the body I saw in the mirror at 15.

Now, though, I am not a cute, chubby girl with a warped body image. I AM blobby and gross. My stomach is huge and hangs over my jeans. I can grab a handful of fat on my thighs even when my muscles are tensed. My arms have a bucket of fat wobbling beneath them. My breasts are big, but it's all fat. I come from a flat-chested family, and I'm a 40D. Three sizes of that is plain fat. I was lucky, I would gain weight, but I never got a double chin. Now? I have one in full-force.

Now, nobody tries to convince me that I'm not fat. Nobody rolls their eyes when I talk about dieting. Nobody scoffs in disbelief when I talk about how unattractive my body is. Now, they look at me with sadness in their eyes and tell me "You can do it! You just need to keep at it."

If I were to sum up the issues that affect my weight loss/gain, it would be these:

1. Overeating.
2. All talk, no action.
3. Low self-esteem.
4. Asthma/weight-related difficulties with exercise.

In that order.

#1: I am finally realizing that I have an eating disorder. Sometimes I will overeat and my brain is literally screaming at me, I am mentally yelling at myself, "Stop! What are you doing?! STOP EATING! THAT IS FATTENING AND BAD FOR YOU AND HIGH-CARBS AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HUNGRY!" and I just keep eating, like a robot, plate to mouth, plate to mouth. Why? I honestly don't even know. I don't eat when I'm depressed--no. I do eat when I'm depressed. I also eat when I'm content. I eat when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when I'm anxious, when I'm sleepy, when I'm excited, when I'm nervous, when I'm busy, when I'm bored. ESPECIALLY when I'm bored.

I threw out all the food I own that's "bad" food. I bought only healthy stuff. I found myself pacing like a caged tiger, desperate for something to nibble on, but not having any snack food. So I would just eat a fourth meal. Or a fifth. Or a sixth. Then, when I went shopping, and I saw those cheese-flavored rice crisps, I thought of how frustrated and miserable I was when I didn't have snacks to eat. I tried buying celery and peppers (my preferred veggie snack), and they would rot in the fridge. I would buy those snack crisps and I would eat a bag in a day.

Sometimes I feel so helpless, as if I'm being controlled by a spell or puppet-master, making me eat this food. Yesterday was thanksgiving, and it's too expensive for me to go home a lot, so I was in the apartment by myself. What was my thanksgiving feast? Three fish filets, at 10g of fat a piece. A bag of frozen corn, microwaved. A BAG. TWO bowls of granola, with chocolate milk. Then? Then, the most ridiculous of it all--a chocolate mint protein shake. As if I needed the protein, as if it wasn't a waste of expensive protein powder to drink it.

The fish filets were delicious. The corn was great. By the end of the bowl of corn, I wasn't hungry. I felt kind of sick. But I had the granola a half-hour later. I felt ill, and I kept eating because the delicious taste on my tongue distracted me from the feeling in my stomach and in my gut--my gut feeling from knowing that every bite I took made my dreams of being not-fat that much further away.

#2: Since I was 16 or so, I have researched weight loss. I know SO MUCH about it. I know which exercises burn the most calories and affect the largest variety of muscle groups in the shortest time. I know which aerobic exercises are the best. I know how many sets/reps of this and that you should do for optimum muscle gain. I know how long your heart rate has to be elevated at (for me, 170-180) to boost your metabolism for ~8 hours (a full 20 minutes). I know what times are best (morning) and worst (before bed) for eating carbs. I know what the ideal, balanced meal plan is. I know what vegetables give you the most nutrition. I know how the different kinds of fiber affect digestion. I know what foods contain "healthy" fats and "bad" fats. I know the difference between omega 3s and omega 6s. I know what you should eat before (carbs, in a small amount, preferably from fruit) a workout (about an hour prior) and after (protein for recovery). I know what exercises work best for overweight women who don't want to stress their knees. I know the healthiest rate for weight loss. I know the optimum caloric intake/exercise plan for my weight to achieve that weight loss.

I know all that and so much more. There are no exercise/food myths for me. So why aren't I skinny? I know it all, but I don't apply it. I don't EAT the good foods. The perfect exercise is too much pressure, but instead of doing jumping jacks and leg lifts (don't mention jumping jacks to a fitness enthusiast, they will laugh at you), I do nothing.

I buy my own groceries and can cook great meals with healthy foods. I own a Wii Fit and small hand weights. I have access to the school gym, which has lots of equipment.

Why don't I do something about it? Why can't I get off of my fat *** and CHANGE? Writing this post is, in a way, just another example of talk and no action. It's 2 AM. I'm not going to eat anything tonight. BUt what about tomorrow? Am I going to exercise? Am I going to eat right? Right now, at this hour, confronted with the day's failure and the promise of years of fat misery ahead of me, I think "I can do it." But experience has shown me that I can--but I won't.

I've lost weight before. My freshman year of college, I went to the gym every morning for an hour and ate tons of veggies and lean protein. I also barely slept. I stayed up every night working on projects and went to the gym to energize myself for the day. After 2-3 days of no sleep, I prepared for 8 hours of rest and slept for 36 hours. Then I had to make up for lost time I should have spent on projects, and the process repeated itself. I was miserable, I had bad grades, but I ate right and went to the gym. There must be another way to motivate myself other than desperation and sheer lack of time. I had a meal plan and simply COULDN'T snack unless I went to the caf, and I tried to eat quickly, so much to do!

#3: I hate my body. I loathe it. People talk about finding the things about them that they like? There is not one single part of my body that I like. My feet are too big, my ankles are, too. My calves and thighs are fat. My stomach is huge and I have no waist. My belly is the same measurement around as the biggest point of my hips and ***. My breasts sag because they're pure fat. My hands are chubby and my arms are fat. My skin is blotchy and I have keratosis pilaris. My stomach is covered in little scars from picking at it while I sit on the toilet. I have stretch marks everywhere. My face is chubby, my ears stick out, I have constant exotropia (boy, talk about getting made fun of), my eyelashes are long but blonde at the tip, my nose is huge and has a bump in it, my pores are huge, my upper lip is so much smaller than my lower lip, I have seborrheic dermatitis on my scalp and my hair is an ugly mouse-brown that I dye red, and that dyed-red hair is the only thing that comforts my shattered self-image at the end of the day. I am ugly and fat, and the only confidence I will ever be able to have is being an ugly girl with a nice body shape--if I can lose weight.

My mother would scream at me when she found the cookie package that she just bought half-eaten. Whenever food went missing--even if I didn't eat it--I would be yelled at. I was a horrible, disgusting, fat girl who did nothing but sit on her *** and stuff her face. I am still that girl, only 50-60 pounds heavier. Sometimes my mother would look at me with a sad expression and say, "You know, you would be so beautiful if you lost weight." Nothing hurt more than hearing her say that. No malice in those words, just sorrow. When I saw a cute boy and pointed him out, my mother would tell me "Lose weight! Boys like that date skinny girls, not fat girls." I would foolishly listen to my friends telling me that I was beautiful, etc. etc. and I would ask out the boy I crushed on, and he would laugh and turn me down, or worse, agree and give me a fake number or avoid talking to me ever again. My friends were always pretty, thin, fit, gorgeous. I was the Designated Ugly Fat Friend who told them they looked beautiful in that shirt while I quickly put the shirt I picked out back on the hanger, because, if I could even get it on, it clung to each roll of fat. THat turned into me just watching them try stuff on, and going to plus-sized stores with my mother, where she would help me find things that made me look halfway decent. Don't think that my mother was terrible for the way she spoke to me--admittedly, yes, there was some verbal abuse, but I DID eat the cookies and I WAS a fat pig. Would I have preferred encouragement to eat healthier, to change? Yes, but she cannot be blamed for the state I am in now. Now, she is incredibly supportive of my weight loss, and after years of talking to her and understanding our difference, she tries her best to give me positive encouragement. Now there is no one to yell at me when I buy a box of Oreos and eat them all in a few days.

#4: The last and weakest of my reasons. I wish I could just go out and RUN whenever I feel the urge to binge, or whenever I'm feeling fat. I have asthma, though, but more importantly, I only get 40% of the oxygen that most people get when I breathe--this is from getting a form of pneumonia that went undiagnosed for months when I was a HS sophomore. That lovely illness also gave me anxiety and manic depression. I have finally found a system of medication and habits that help me manage my anxiety and depression, but it is certain that struggling with it for five years has not helped either my self-esteem or my physical health.

So I can't run, even with an inhaler, I'm gasping and seeing stars after two minutes. This means that the best effective aerobic exercise is biking, where I am able to control my breathing. I live in a hilly town, so my option is further narrowed to a standing exercise bike or elliptical (considered by many to be a useless piece of equipment). That means going to the gym when it's open, either horribly early in the morning or in the afternoon, when all the sweaty, beautiful people are out in their spandex, silently judging my fat *** in worn pajama bottoms. I'm huge and heavy, I can barely do one good-form pushup and crunches are agonizing, as my rolls of stomach fat squish and compress when I try to haul my massive trunk off of the floor.

So here I am. I'm fat and have no will-power and I eat for no reason at all. I hate my body and say that I would give anything for it to change, but I don't. If I'd just lost one pound a MONTH for the past two years, instead of gaining, I'd be at a decent weight. If I'd just NOT gained weight, and stayed at my weight when I was 14, I would be at my goal weight right now. January 09 I was 199 pounds, and now I'm 186. My plan was to lose 7 pounds a month, allowing for some slip-up, and to be 129 (70 pounds lighter) by January 1st, 2010. I am not 70 pounds lighter, I am only 13 pounds lighter. I was 20 pounds lighter in August. I don't want to keep gaining weight. I want to LOSE it.

Remember that dating website I mentioned? Well, I started talking to someone from it. We've been talking for a while, and I kept in touch with him even after I left the website. He is a beautiful person inside and out. Funny, clever, smart, responsible, sexual, interesting, and he is absolutely gorgeous. And he, for some unfathomable reason, thinks I'm cute. He wants to meet me. He lives very far away, but he'll be in my area in March.

That's about 3 1/2 months away. I want to meet him. I don't want to be an unhealthy, jiggly ball of self-loathing and insecurity when I meet him. I know I can't expect anyone to love me when I don't love myself. By March, I want to be someone that somebody could love.

I realize that losing 57 pounds in 3 1/2 months is unreasonable. But I know that losing ANYTHING will be better than gaining, and I know that I could DEFINITELY, without question, lose 30 pounds in 3 1/2 months if I put all of my knowledge to work and took advantage of all of the... well, advantages that I have.

I don't know what I hope to gain from this forum. I think I'm looking for support. My friends are all thin and beautiful, and even the ones with weight issues love their bodies and have trouble with 5 pounds at a time, maybe, if they lose track of their eating habits. They don't know what it's like, and they certainly haven't succeeded at what I'm trying to do.

I need somewhere that I can go where I can vent, where I can be honest about what I ate, where I can receive positive encouragement and those cute little quotes about not giving up. I need to talk to people who have been where I am and who HAVE succeeded, and I need people to steer me in the right direction when I get off course.

I have so much support to GIVE, and I have so much advice when it comes to diet and exercise. Do I follow it? No. But maybe helping other people and being helped by them will stick it in my brain that I CAN do this, that I WILL see results and that they will feel better than eating cheddar and potato pierogies.

So that's my story. My incredibly long, rambling story that I did not intend to write when I sat down here. I hope there's a spot here for me. Thank you, to whoever might have gotten through all that.
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Old 11-28-2009, 02:56 AM   #2  
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Welcome to 3FC and good luck with your goals.

Hugs
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Old 11-28-2009, 03:00 AM   #3  
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That was one of the best, most honest and well-written posts I have read on this website. Really.

Welcome!
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Old 11-28-2009, 05:53 AM   #4  
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Agreed, bonnnie. I saw a lot of myself in your story. Good luck. I too am struggling with trying to take action, even though I have the knowledge to lose weight. Right now I keep on trying to figure out what works for me/what doesn't/what's sustainable. I hope that eventually it will all fall into place and 'click'. Hopefully that will happen for you as you continue to be determined. Good luck again!
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Old 11-28-2009, 07:43 AM   #5  
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You are not alone. We have all had those feelings. Please stay here.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You do know what you want to do but feel inertia about starting. How about baby steps? Start slowly. Just start doing something small that you know will be good for you. Once you have that down, add in another thing. Don't worry about time/deadlines.
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Old 11-28-2009, 10:20 AM   #6  
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Your post could have been written by so many of us; your issues are shared by many people here, so you have come to the right place for support. The good news is that you have the power and ability to do the things necessary to change your life.

I wish you the very best on your weight loss journey.

J

Last edited by LotusMama; 11-28-2009 at 10:25 AM.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:05 AM   #7  
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Your story is moving and I will be praying for your success. There is no reason that you cannot make your goal.
Have you ever looked into a all woman's gym? Do you think that could make you more comfortable? I joined one for a time and by far it has been my favorite gym membership.
Personally, I have seen very obese people at the gym and I have always been encouraged by their attendance. They have so much work to do and yet they are there working away. You and I are right about the same weight and I see a lot of people my size at the gym.
Go on-line and print off a coupon (or just ask at the door) for a 7 day trial membership and watch the people at the gym. You will not see them watching you back and you will see such a variety of people.
I am a member at 24 hour fitness and I find that if I go late, 9PM, there are maybe 1/2 dozen people in the whole gym. And lastly, on my personal gym experiences, I started with the treadmill type stairstepper, because it worked me hard but slowly so nothing jiggled. Now, that things have firmed up a bit more I have moved off that machine a bit but it was an excellent beginning.

All the best, I hope that we hear about your progress soon. If you need encouragement please just ask.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:47 AM   #8  
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Wow, your mom's words are so harsh! I think she, like many of our family members, have good intentions but don't realize how badly they are hurting us!

You'll find plenty of positive encouragement here and people who understand where you've been


Last edited by Ashbee; 11-28-2009 at 11:47 AM.
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Old 11-28-2009, 12:04 PM   #9  
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I know that you can do this, starting is the hardest part though. Maybe keeping a food journal could help. It has been a major part in helping me because it makes me think harder about it before I choose to eat something. I also agree about starting out slowly, that is a good suggestion and the all women's gym sounds good too. Even something as simple as cutting out sodas and making sure to drink plenty of water is a good stepping stone to get you on the right track. I am also new to the forum and hope to share stories and recipes with all of you soon. Best of luck and I hope to hear more from you about your weight loss journey soon
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Old 11-28-2009, 04:45 PM   #10  
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Dear Alice,
I could have cried when I read your post. I so identify with the feelings in it, and so can a lot of people here. You have come to the right place.

I agree with the others. Losermom is right, take small steps to start. Heather suggestion is also a good one. Many people find food journals helpful. My daughter enjoys using the computer, like you do, and has been using MyFoodDiary.com. She finds it very useful for feedback.

I have to disagree with one statement you made in your post. You said you have been eating "for no reason." There is a reason that some part of you is acting on, even if you rationally understand that it isn't in your long-term best interest health-wise. I have learned that my emotional self only cares about stopping hurt quickly, not in helping me reach my long term weight goals. From personal experience, I know journaling about my feelings has helped me understand certain things about myself. My binges follow a pattern that I have only just realized. I get very tired or stressed, I crave eating a small sugary or high carb something, and then shortly after that I mindlessly start eating everything in sight. Even healthy food in large amounts puts on weight. For me, I have to avoid sugar and refined flour, I have to get enough sleep, and I have to find other outlets for my stress. It is only since I started doing those things that I have been bingeing less. When I slip, I have to forgive myself and remind myself that every binge I turn my back on is a victory because I did not eat those calories. I may have slipped, but that is all it is, a slip. It is my feelings that distort the slip into a catastrophe that means giving up or beating myself over the head about it. My pattern won't be that same as yours, but maybe if you realize what your triggers are, you won't feel so overwhelmed.

I know you can meet your goals! You are obviously an intelligent, highly literate, and sincere person. You say you have a lot of support you are willing to offer others, which means you are also a caring person. I'm glad to have you here to help me. Welcome to 3FC!

Last edited by k8t; 11-28-2009 at 04:52 PM.
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Old 11-28-2009, 05:18 PM   #11  
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Hello Alice, I look forward to getting to know you.
This is a great site with great people. I am sure you will feel very welcome here.

I know we're all different, but I'm 51 years old and I've got asthma, too.
There are a lot of reasons for my obesity but my "favorite" one has been "My asthma keeps me from being as active as I'd like and the prednisone and other corticosteroids I take make me hungry all the time and slow down my metabolism".

I got my head straight and started dieting and exercising on October 3 and I've lost 22 pounds so far. I do get short of breath while I'm exercising sometimes, but it's amazing how quickly my stamina has increased. I think you've set a high goal for yourself, but there's nothing wrong with that. I look forward to reading about your success.
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Old 11-28-2009, 05:27 PM   #12  
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Welcome and good luck , you have taken a tremendous step in the right direction.
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Old 11-28-2009, 09:35 PM   #13  
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Thank you, everyone! I think you're all correct, and that I need to focus on taking baby steps until they become second-nature to me. I look forward to becoming active on this forum, I think it's a really good thing for me!

Question, how do you get those tickers in your signature? I can't find a place to edit my signature in the profile-editing area. Maybe I'm just overlooking it.

Thank you all again for reading my post; it was very theraputic to write. k8t, I myself was crying during some of it. :\ Your advice is good, whenever I find myself craving something unhealthy, or (hopefully this won't happen, haha!) if I do binge, I'm going to write down everything I'm thinking at the time. I will also check out MyFoodDiary, but sometimes I find that thinking about what I've eaten makes me hungry for more! Maybe if I make sure to enter in my meals BEFORE I eat them.

Heidi, I did notice, back when I went to the gym regularly, that breathing got much easier. I think I should focus on doing exercises that I can do now and working towards being able to run outside.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:52 PM   #14  
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Hi Alice!
Like others have said, so many of us can relate to much of what you have gone & are going through and feel - a lot of the posters have offered some good advice. I would like to suggest one thing more - you have offered support, guidance and kindness to those of us here & I know if we shared our stories, you would never be judgmental, condemning or unforgiving - if you can do this for people you don't yet know, couldn't you possibly extend that same kindness to yourself - you deserve it - I promise!

Glad to have you join us! There are lots & lots of different groups and forums - I'm sure you'll find some that will keep you motivated, inspired and entertained and that would benefit greatly from your participation!

There are bunches of people here with more to lose and some with less - the bottom line is that we all have to do it a day at a time. The good thing is that we'll have lots of company along the way.

I've only been here a few months myself, having NEVER been part of an online forum. What has been so eye-opening is how much it has helped me. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or defeated, I just log on and read some of the success stories, complete with their before & after photos - or read about others still dealing day to day with their challenges - and before I know it, the time has flown by and so have all the thoughts of cheating or giving up.

So welcome - you 've found the right place - join in by inspiring us and being inspired!
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Old 11-29-2009, 02:31 AM   #15  
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Thanks, leeway! I've just started looking at the before-and-after threads, and wow! It's so much easier to NOT go into the kitchen and have a midnight meal when I can see right in front of me what *I* could do if I keep at it. I was itching for a late snack, and I saw this forum open on a tab in Firefox and thought, "instead of eating, I'm going to make a post on a thread," and I did, and now I'm re-motivated to stick to my diet. Hooray!
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