100 lb. Club - SUPPORT FOR TAMMY

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08-30-2005, 01:31 PM
Good morning ladies, I'm afraid on the exercise front I have not been doing so well at all. Although I do watch 7 kids throughout the day. Guess that counts for something. I am still not able to eat or drink because of what is going on.

I'm gonna kind of give the short version for now. My husband informed me that he no longer loves me and does not want to be married to me. I don't even think devestation could even compare to what I am feeling. I was in the ER Saturday night close to a nervous breakdown. It's taken me a few days and I am getting back into the groove of things. Today is the first day I have not cried all day long. It's a start. I feel mostly just lost and lonely. Oh geez, I'm trying not to cry.

We have decided to try to live in the same house for the next six months to give the kids stability. I took the kids immediately to counseling yesterday and , Dawn, our therapist is going to help us learn on making out situation work. I really don't have many other choices as I am a single mom and I really don't have anything to fall back on.

We are being civil to one another. We have decided that we can be friends and we can make this so that the suffering is miminal.

He is young and I am not quite sure he ever knew the true meaning of love and I can't blame him for that. Any blame game is over as it only hurts the both of us and we both are already hurting. He hurts not for me but for the kids. Soooooooooooooooooo....I am trying so freaking hard to just hold it together and do the best that I can. I can't yell and scream at him and say all the nasty stuff I want to. There is nothing to gain by that. I'm reaching to god right now, but I almost feel betrayed by him. He keeps giving more and more, Stuff that happens each time that takes me straight to the edge.

Last night the mental pain tortured me so bad that I cut. I am a cutter. I know that for some of you that might be to much info but cutting is a part of me and always has been and it is something I try very hard to control. My husband was outside on the phone with his "friend" and I just needed a ounce of compassion and there was none. The worst part of it was that I was bleeding everywhere and my son saw all that. I feel so much shame and guilty that he had see that.

I know I need so much work on myself. I will be looking up a psych doctor in town today. I know that I need weekly maintance with him to keep me in check so that I don't let my mind get out of control.

I'm just so unsure of myself right now. I'm a very strong person and right now I am very weak. I need help being carried through this. I know that time will help this, but right now I am just caught up in the newness of it. The utter shock of it.

I know alot of you don't care to hear that much persoal business but right now I need a really big support system. I don't ask for help hardly ever and I know this time that I can't do this without help.

08-30-2005, 01:50 PM
Oh Tammy. I am so sorry. You are going through a lot right now. I am hoping that they helped you at the hospital some. Were you able to get ahold of someone to talk with (You mentioned you were going to call a therapist today)? I think that is of the utmost importance -- for you adn your kids. I am glad to hear that you found someone for your kids to talk to.

This is such a difficult time for you and I hope you find the support you need.

08-30-2005, 02:31 PM

Sorry to hear about the bad news. Very hard to hear that the person you love does not feels the same about you. Since I’ve been there a few times myself, I DO care about your situation. Feel free to post any time you want……there will be someone listening:listen:

08-30-2005, 02:38 PM
Tammy - Watching 7 children would be a workout! I can barely keep up with a very active 7 month old! I'm so sorry to hear about you and your husband splitting up. I can't imagin the pain your feeling right now. Just know that I'm here to lean on. Tammy cry!! I'm all for crying don't push those tears back. They help us deal with our feelings. I'm happy to hear that your going to be civil to one another but it must be hard living in the same house. My best advice is to keep busy. I would ask him to try and not chat with "friend" when you or kids are around. I would think they could handle that for the next 6 months. I'm happy to hear you and the kids are going to counseling.
I have a strong faith and I truely believe that God will be there to help hold you up. Things happen and we don't understand why or how any good could come of it. Time give us these answers. Tammy I haven't heard much about cutting. I know it must of been very scary for your son to witness that. I would talk it over with him.
Tammy I had the feeling from past chats that you are a strong person and everyone gets weak not matter how strong one is. You have to fight for yourself and the kids! I'm here for you. I'm going to IM you my yahoo name. I hope you use yahoo. I have AOL but I don't know if I recall my password it's been ages since I used it. I'm sure Many DO CARE to hear bout it! If you feel it type it! If it's going to help you deal, sometimes seeing it in writing will put things in prespective. Just know I'm here for you and I'll do what I can to help.

My workout
WATP - 3 mile

08-31-2005, 01:35 AM
Oh, Tammy. Tammy, honey, I'm so, so sorry. :grouphug: I feel just so awful for you. :cry:

And I agree with Mez.....I think you do need to try to talk to your son about it. :grouphug:

We really care about you, Tammy. You DO have the strength to get through this. And you're not alone. You have friends here. I'm going to call you again tomorrow. Here's another :grouphug: for good measure.

08-31-2005, 01:58 AM
Tammy, I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband. It is so hard when you recieve a harsh blow to the heart like that. I've been in a similar situation and while it does, eventually, get better over time it is important to let yourself cry and grieve. Crying helps your body release stress hormones. If your kids see you crying, just let them know why you are crying so they are reassured that you're not crying from something they have done. :grouphug:
Don't have any advice regarding the cutting. I am so happy you are seeking professional help for it though
We are here when you need to talk. :grouphug:

08-31-2005, 02:17 AM
Tammy I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really don't know what to say except I will be praying for you and I'm here if you need someone to talk to. As far as the cutting goes I think you are doing the right thing in talking to a professional who can help you deal with that. I would not know where to begin with something like that. Don't be too hard on yourself you are going through a bad time in your life and I can understand how that would drive you to drastic actions. I know you know that hurting yourself will not get you what you want or need so please do continue to seek help for that. You have a lot to offer and allthough things look bleak now I'm sure time will help and you will find yourself in a better situation.

08-31-2005, 10:02 AM
Tammy -

I am so sorry to hear that about you and your husband. I can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be going through. I know you can't yell or scream at him, but maybe take a walk in the woods and get some of it out. Maybe take a boxing class or something to relieve some of the stress. And let the tears fall, this is certainly something to cry about.

I can say that when bad things happen, it just takes time. In a week, you won't feel as bad as today. In a month, better. Two months, even better.

About the cutting. Tammy, please seek out the counseling you had mentioned. I don't know anything about cutting, but I know that it isn't something that you want to leave unresolved.

We are here for you. (((HUGS)))

08-31-2005, 10:35 AM
Tammy, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know it must feel like the whole world (at least the one you know now) is ending. I can only imagine the range of emotions you must be going through. I'm with the others, though: it may be wise just to let it out, cry if you need to cry, yell if you need to yell. My sister used to cut herself, and i think it only got worse when she turned all her emotions inward -- the cutting helped distract her from the horrible emotions she couldn't deal with. Is there somebody who perhaps could watch the kids for a few days while you cope?

I'm glad you're getting some therapy - it can help a lot if you are willing to work and really open up.

Anyway, just know we're here for you. Feel free to PM me at any time.

08-31-2005, 10:38 AM
Tammy! Sweet Tammy!

The internet, for some, can be very impersonal. But NOT here - 100lb is a bond. I know that all of us are all over the country - and all over the world. BUT - we are here for you. Close your eye... yes, I mean right now.. close them. Now .. imagine there are about 30 really fat chicks (okay - not all fat - but I am!) sitting in your living room - giving you support. Being with you - listening to you. Being your friend.
That is what I want for you right now. Right now at this moment - you are loved - by all of us. Don't ever forget that. When you feel really low - know that you are loved by us.

08-31-2005, 12:30 PM
Tammy, I sent you a PM but just wanted to let you know that we definately are here for you for any kind of support we can offer.

I know that a lot of people may find injuring yourself on purpose to find relief may be rather strange but it is quite common, generally starting in the teen years. I have some experience with something similar so I can relate. Really it is no different than going out on an alcoholic or drug binge or even eating a quart of Ben & Jerrys.

Goddess Jessica
08-31-2005, 01:03 PM
>>>>HUG<<<<< Tammy girl, what a horrible situation to be in right now. It's just not fair. It sounds like you're having a real hard time with this. I am here for you. I wish this was easier for you and your kids.

08-31-2005, 01:50 PM
The therapist has told the kids that mommy is going to cry and that mommy might cry for a long time. She let them know that this is normal and is part of the healing process. They seem to be doing ok. Seth (Husband) is set up for an appointment with her also so she can help him learn how to make our house peaceful while we are still all living there. I think this was wonderful. None of us really know how to do it. Seth has agreed to see a psychiatrist. I am almost sure he needs to be on Paxil. Everyone in his family is on similar medication. He as also agreed to go to anger management and parenting classes. I know that there is not a chance that this marriage is going to work, but I do know that I will not let him treat Kara bad when he has visitation.

My doctor gave me clonipam(spelling) to keep me from being hysterical all the time. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. I did not sleep any last night. My home no longer feels like my home because it is filled with things him and I shared, things that I thought were out of love. I came to my neighbors at 4 this morning cause emotionally I was dying. I ended up doing her laundry and dishes. I was to afraid to let my mind get out of control.

I am will be seeing a new psychiatrist soon. I have to deal with my past. My past is extensive and ugly. I know that I need intense psychotherapy. I'm 33 years old and it is about time that I dealt with my past. I think this is going to be more painful than even my marriage but I can't be the real me until I get the nastiness of my past gone. I have to deal with it. Mourn it, get angry at it, and then accept that it happened to me and it is ok cause I was strong and lived through it.

I am going to see the chaplain today. I need a bit of religious perspective right now. I thought before I did not believe in God but over time I have accepted him into my life. I'm just going to use every tool that I can get my hands on to heal. Right before I cut up my wrists I screamed for God to help me. To help me not do this to myself. It happened anyway. God knows that I have intense inner strength and will get past this.

I know that many people may not really understand cutting so I'll just give a brief explanation. Cutting normally happens when a person can no long control there emotional pain and inflict physical pain to t momentarially mask the emotional pain. Cutters do not want to commit suicide. They just want to feel some relief from the mental anguish.

I know this is a long post. But I also know that so many people here suffer in silence and I just want everyone to know you don't suffer alone.

08-31-2005, 01:54 PM
:grouphug: Ohh Tammy I too sent you a PM and I'm glad to hear that the counselor helped explain to the kids what is going on and that Seth is going to go to counseling. Just know that we are hear for you.

08-31-2005, 02:19 PM
Tammy, you can see the caring going on here and I'm sure your PM inbox is full by now (mine's in there somewhere). We're a pretty supportive bunch who are opening our hearts (and cyber arms) to you ~ let us help in any way we can. Better days are ahead. Please believe that.

08-31-2005, 02:55 PM
Tammy, I've sent you a pm as well, but I just wanted to say thank you for the update and brief explanation of cutting. And to say thank you again for coming here and allowing us to help you with such a deeply personal part of your life. I hope you know that you are loved and supported no matter what.


08-31-2005, 03:15 PM
Ah, Tammy, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such sad life circumstances. Please know that you will always be supported here no matter what. You can always, always come here and let us know how you're feeling, and how we can help.

I'm glad that you're working to find someone that you can talk to professionally. My DD was a scratcher (i.e., instead of cutting, she scratched herself), and it took a lot of counseling to help her overcome that. You might consider starting a journal where you can write all the nasty things you want to say because getting the emotions out in a healthy form will help. Exercise helps, too--I like the idea of a boxing class.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. We will always be there for you.

08-31-2005, 05:15 PM

I second the thought that exercise is helpful when emotions are so strong like right now. There is nothing like a really strong bike ride or kick butt weight workout. I know that it can be tough to do something like that at a time like this, but you really will feel better - if even for a short while. It can help keep your emotions and hormones in balance right now as you work do sort through your strong emotions and the stressful situation.

You are right that it is a long, hard process to sort through your past. At 33, though, you are not actually old to be doing this. Prior to staying home with my kids, l was a Lutheran pastor and I counseled many many people in their 60's and 70's who were just beginning the process; For them -- there were many more years of pain to sort through. At 33, you can look ahead to a long future, one that can be so much more bright and healthy once you have a good dose of reflection and interaction with helpful professionals -- and a support system surrounding you.

In terms of your faith and the struggles you are having, I encourage you to seek out the manifestation of faith that most reflects your own personal values and needs. It is particularly easy at a time like this to participate in a faith community or philosophy simply out of a desperate (and understandable) desire to belong. Often, though, that community/philosophy might not be the most centering/balancing/healthy/nurturing for you (so often it is one chosen because you grew up in it or because of the friendly faces you see upon entering or the convincing literature etc.). I guess what I am trying to say is this -- I hear you struggling with your relationship with the Divine (whomever/whatever that might be to you right now) at this difficult crossroads in your life. I encourage you to search for some clarity where your spirit is concerned as that can help you find clarity in all matters in your life. That spiritual clarity might be totally outside of your normal spiritual box or it might be exactly what you've known forever. Often times, though, when we cannot find spiritual balance in the face of dispair, it is a good sign that we might be trying to force a particular theology onto ourselves. It might be a good time then to look outside of your normal spiritual box.

Does that make sense? I am trying to type with a sick baby on my lap.

Peace to you,

08-31-2005, 10:12 PM
Oh Tammy baby... :group hug: I'm so sorry sweetheart. I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice, but know that I'm here if you need me. You are a strong, strong, STRONG, resiliant woman who will do what is best for her children and herself. Please be as good to yourself as you can. You are deserving of love, compassion, and happiness, and never forget that. I hope that the new therapist works out well. Take care of yourself, love.

08-31-2005, 11:29 PM
Today my I walked/Jogged for 1.75 hours. It was a battle since my Nortic Track is very stiff after much spaying and trying this and that. I could only stay on it a minute at a time it was so hard to move my calfs were killing me. When I broke out in a good sweat from that. I hopped off and did WATP moves to music videos that I had ready for the tread mill. Then back on the tread mill off and on the whole time. I got one heck of a workout! I'm sure I did at least 3 miles. I planned on taking my treadmill apart tonight but didn't find time.

09-01-2005, 11:39 AM
There's my Dana!! I missed you so much. I tried to look at your blog the other day and there was nothing there. I'm glad you posted cause I was thinking that when times are tough you are always such a good friend. Thank you.

09-01-2005, 05:45 PM
WATP - Walk and Jog.

Don't you just feel those lbs melting!!! Keep up the great workout!!!

Tammy - Women ROCK!!! :)

09-02-2005, 02:20 AM
I had to go to the doc again today. I am now taking Valium and Zofram(sp). I had a panic attack in the doctors office and then when we got to the pharmacy there was going to be a two hour wait and once again had anxiety and collasped. Not a good day. Seth was good to me though. He helped me through it all. It's hard just being friends but at least he is really trying hard.

Wednesday I weighed 238 and today at the doc's office I weighed 236. In less than one week I have lost 12 pounds. I still can't keep food down and liquids come out the other way.

I do housecleaning for my neighbor so technically I am getting some exercise. I'm just doing my best to keep it all together and then I will worry more on the exercise part.

Great job ladies. You are doing a great job working out.

09-02-2005, 10:17 AM
Tammy - Don't worry about workouts. Keeping it together is most important right now. :grouphug:

09-02-2005, 12:23 PM
V, you are such a wonderful friend. I have so many friends on here that are helping me get through this rotten time. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It is just uplifting that so many of you thought of me and took time out of your day to send me encouragement.

I know that without this support I would be a very bad shape. Not to say I'm not now but it it would be just awful without all of you.

V, We do ROCK!! And we are special and important no matter what others in our life might think.

09-02-2005, 12:37 PM
Tammy...I'm glad to see your still posting. I think that'll help too. It's nice to know that this board is about more than weight loss. I've been thinking alot about you, how one day we are just going along in the "everyday" and then everything's different.

I know that it's hard to keep anything down, but I am worried about your strength. Is there anythingh that you think you can keep down right now? Anything that doesn't sound particularly yucky. Even something like a boost, just to get some vitamins.

09-02-2005, 01:08 PM

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Everyone here is supporting you. I think situations like this are so bad because they leave you feeling completely helpless! I'm sorry I don't have any advice... but it sounds like what you're doing is good. When my parents got divorced it was terrible! We watched my mom lose TONS of weight. She's 5'10" and looked like a skeleton. She went a little crazy too (left us for over 24 hours without knowing where she was) and ended up on anti-depressants. Ten years later, she's pleasantly plump and in a relationship again (for the past 7 years). It's awesome for your kids that you're having them do counseling. I can't use their divorce as an excuse anymore since it's been 10 years but it's the reason I gained weight to begin with. My first experience with emotional eating. Anyway, I don't want to ramble about my problems but just wanted to add that I'm here for you!

09-02-2005, 03:29 PM
My doctor gave me clonipam(spelling) to keep me from being hysterical all the time. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. I did not sleep any last night. My home no longer feels like my home because it is filled with things him and I shared, things that I thought were out of love. I came to my neighbors at 4 this morning cause emotionally I was dying. I ended up doing her laundry and dishes. I was to afraid to let my mind get out of control.

I am will be seeing a new psychiatrist soon. I have to deal with my past. My past is extensive and ugly. I know that I need intense psychotherapy. I'm 33 years old and it is about time that I dealt with my past. I think this is going to be more painful than even my marriage but I can't be the real me until I get the nastiness of my past gone. I have to deal with it. Mourn it, get angry at it, and then accept that it happened to me and it is ok cause I was strong and lived through it.

I know you don't know me, but I'm so sorry you're doing horribly. I'm glad the doctor gave you Klonopin. It should help. A good amount of SI is done because of major anxiety and Klonopin is a benzodiazapene <it's in the same family as Valium and Xanax, but not quite as strong> so it is very good on anxiety. Take it exactly as prescribed, and it should really help you cope better. Klonopin can safely be put under your tongue to dissolve <although it's not the tastiest of the benzos, Ativan is> to rush it to your system faster if you are feeling the need to c*t RIGHT NOW and ergo need the relief from anxiety.

I'm bipolar and have had my share of c*tt*ng problems and have been on more drugs than I care to count, so if you have any questions at all I'd be happy to help. I'll pray that this situation works out in exactly the way God has planned for you.


09-02-2005, 04:47 PM
Tammy, I'm so glad that you're posting here!! I'm also SO happy to see all the support you're getting. :)

I was sorry that we didn't speak last night -- now that I read about how much your day sucked, I totally understand! :^: You poor sweetheart. :grouphug:

I'm going to call you again tonight. I would have called you earlier today, but first I was at the hospital with Lorraine getting a PICC line installed in her arm for intravenous antibiotics (for her Lyme Disease) and then the home nurse came over to teach me how to inject the drugs, etc. She just left.

I'm really glad that you're getting some good meds -- God bless pharmaceuticals! :lol: I'm also glad to hear that Seth is on good behavior. He better keep it up. :s:

Sending you more and more and more love -- PLEASE TRY TO EAT SOMETHING!!!! Don't MAKE me start nagging -- you don't want to see that. It's not pretty. :p

Talk to you later, I hope....:grouphug:

09-02-2005, 07:32 PM
My goodness Sarah, I am such a s**t. I'm doped up most the time and then by the time I want to call I have to account for the time change. I'm not sure how late that you stay up at night.

Poor Lorraine. Still smoke free? I feel so bad for her and what she is going through. Tell her I am sending her good vibes through her ordeal. The poor thing.

Sarah, I am trying so hard to eat. I had some corn bran last night and that only lasted 20 minutes and then was back up. I am taking zofram (i bet you know what that is since they give it to chemo patients). It's not giving me an appetite though. And this might be tmi but everytime I throw up I pee. My bladder sucks. It's humiliating.

Venus In Mourning
09-02-2005, 08:14 PM
There's nothing I can say or do to make anything better, but know that you're in my prayers. I too am a cutter, trying to recover, but I've been cutting since I was a child. If you need any support at all in that area, feel free to PM me.

09-02-2005, 08:50 PM
oh tammy. i am sooooooooo freaking sorry for what is going on! i can't believe this is happening. i know all about hurting yourself physically to try to get rid of the emotional pain. i wish there was something i could say or do to make it all better but i know there isn't. please know i'll (we all will!!!!) be thinking about you and the kids.

09-03-2005, 09:12 AM
Hi Tammy, just checking on you and hoping things are starting to get at least a little easier to handle. I imagine the initial shock has started to wear off, so how are you doing with returning to a new sense of normalcy? May not even seem possible at this point still, but it is. Remember, minute by minute, hour by hour, you will get through this, I promise. It looks as though there are others here who can relate to the cutting aspect more so than the rest. I do hope you'll reach out to them and accept their offers of support, I'm sure it will help. In the meantime, just be good to yourself and continue to provide that awesome support your kids so desperately need right now.

Take care,

Amanda Panda
09-03-2005, 12:52 PM

So sorry to hear of the pain and turmoil you are in. It WILL get better - I know it's hard to believe that right now. I think therapy /psychiatry is an excellent idea - you need to start healing yourself from the past hurts. My only worry is that when treatment starts you can start to feel worse ,not better as all the crap is coming to the surface - but your psychiatrist will help you through it and stick with it and you'll emerge a much happier person.

All the best

Love Amanda x

09-03-2005, 01:45 PM
Tammy, I'm not part of this group, but when I read your post I was compelled to reply. My husband also dropped the "I don't love you anymore" bombshell on me, and it was the most incredibly awful shock of my life. Of course he also had a "friend", as they all do, which tipped me over the edge. My only advice is to see a therapist as much as you can; understand that you will find so very much kindness and support from those around you, which you should accept and ask for; don't beat yourself up about not "snapping out of it" - you won't, because someone has radically changed your life without your knowledge or consent. It might help to see a therapist as a couple: not to get back together, but to get a better understanding of what's going on. (In my case, I now realize it was a combo of his mid-life crisis, a predatory and much younger woman, his inability to communicate, and his cowardice which prevented him from talking to me before it all went too far.) It will be difficult for you to stay in the same house together, but it will give you a chance to get some of your frustration and questions out at him. He has no business calling his "friend" from anywhere near your family. He's a married man with children and responsibilities; if he can't honour his marriage vows, he can at least put a knot in it while he's still living in your home. Why doesn't he just rub your face in it, the louse. He needs to know just how selfish and unacceptable his behaviour is, and how he's toying with your sanity and survival right now. Grrrrr. Right now he's probably feeling like a hero for staying with you and the kids to help you out. He isn't, he's a self-centred pr**k who has the gall to destroy you and then make you feel grateful for a few crumbs of kindness when he's not too busy with his "friend". (Yes, I'm still a little angry...)

Tammy, if you want to rant to a stranger who has survived (barely) the same unfair and cruel treatment, just PM me. At this point it's better to feel anger than defeat!

09-03-2005, 11:50 PM
Tammy, I am wondering if him staying in the house is really the best thing. Having him around can't be helping and if it were me I would want him out of the house and all his crap with him to make a clean break of it. I encourage you to start back with eating very slowly, start with a clear fluid diet ie gingerale, jello, broth, tea or coffee with no milk. Take your zofram 1 hour before you are planning on eating. When you are tolerating clear fluids then go to full fluids ie milk, soup, any kind of drink, ice cream, pudding, yogurt. When you are tolerating those then try regular food. At present trying to eat regular food isn't going to work, start with clear fluids and work your way up.

09-04-2005, 12:52 AM

I am relatively new here but am really touched by your situation and the support that is here for you here and in your community. I am certainly not new to working through a very painful past. It takes time and has its ups and downs. Ultimately, you will hardly recognize yourself when you get to the other side. It's awesome. Also, a very close friend was a cutter for many years. She hasn't felt the need to due that for many years now so there is hope on all fronts. Wishing you a good nights sleep and food that stays in your stomach. Denise

09-04-2005, 01:46 AM
Tammy, I am so sorry to hear about the very painful time you are going through. Just know we are here for you, thinking about you and wanting the best for you. You will survive this - it is hard to see it with clarity when you are in the middle of it. However, I think there is something to be said for the old adage of whenever a door closes a window opens. There will be better things for you past this horizon although it doesn't take the pain away. No way around it, just through it but you are not ALONE...we are here for you. Keep on with your good supports (professional and friendships and us) and take care of you and that wee one. Keep well and I will hold you in my prayers.

09-04-2005, 11:38 AM
Oh my gosh!! You all have been wonderful medicine for me. The Valium keeps me from crying all day now but when it starts to wear off it is really obvious. My doc gave me Zofram. It keeps the nausea away but does not help me keep my food down. And I had a most humiliating experience the other night. I ate food. I laid down. and woke up covered in diarrhea. I was so sick my husband had to clean me up. To make it even worse it happened two more times. I could not control my bowels at all. So, in eight days I have probably managed to consume less than 300 calories that would stay down.

I know the debate on living in the same house is a hard one. First of all I have been an at home mom. So, I don't have anywhere else to go or income to go anywhere. I have to have a place to stay so that I can save money to assure that my kids have a safe place to go after this. My kids come first in all this. He is being very good to the kids. And as much as I don't care to admit it he has been helping me when I am breaking down by showing some compassion. He lacks alot in the compassion department. Our household has been pretty quiet and peaceful and the kids know from the therapist that mommy is going through the grieving process and she showed them the five steps of the process. Seth was supposed to see the therapist this Friday but since his grandmother is going to die then he is going to have to reschedule. She is going to give him techniques and tools on how we can all live here and still have a moderately happy household. She believes that we can make our situation work. I believe we can to. IT's just so damn hard living with someone you love that does not love you back!! I honestly thing he wants a friendship. I'm just not ever sure that he loved me to begin with and just now started to realize it.

I'm so thankful that some of you opened up to me about your cutting. Sometimes I think I am the only one and I must be crazy. I've just decided I can't hide this anymore. It's a big part of my life and I want an honest life. Not a life shrouded in secrets. I will be going to psychotherapy. My childhood was far from being a good one, and I think that maybe I've not resolved that and until I do that I am not going to be able to move forward.

It really motivates me to move forward when I know some of you ladies have been through this also. I just think this first month or so is going to be the hardest and then things should settle down.

This morning my husband left with my baby to go to NC...His grandmother is dying. I've never been away from her. She is almost 2. I'm having a heck of a time with that. All you moms know how hard it is to be away from your kids for longer than a day. But I'm thinking this might not be such a bad thing. It gives me a little more time to focus and work on myself. We all know that 2 year olds consume alot of what you are thinking in the day since they are constantly on the go.

Wow..this was going to be a short update. I'm kind of long winded though.

I thank all of you for taking time to help and support me. It really does help and I don't feel as alone as I would have. I've never had the support of so many people and it overwhelms me and sometimes makes me cry.

09-04-2005, 11:58 AM
Ok, I know I just posted and everything but I need to vent. My husband and I used to know each others passwords for email accounts and he has changed his. I think now I am sure that he was messing around, or is now, or at least wanted to. THere are so many cusswords I want to say about him right now. I am very angry and hurt.

09-04-2005, 09:05 PM
Tammy, I don't think those of us who aren't sure living in the same home is a good idea were suggesting you move out. HE is the one to go, as you and the children get first whack at the family home, assuming you remain the custodial parent. (Another incentive to control the cutting: you don't want him to have ammunition to take your kids.) I'm not trying to be negative, but your relationship will likely get worse before it gets better, and you really need to protect yourself, your kids, and your rights.

I may be wrong about this, but maybe if you can't eat you shouldn't. (I rather enjoyed having no appetite - the only good part of the experience was losing 22 lbs in a month.) Try easy things like broth, and bland foods like rice, dry crackers, bananas. A little Ensure or other liquid meal replacement might give you the nourishment you need. As for the diarrhea, make sure you rebalance your electrolytes after with something like Pedialyte. At some point you will feel hungry again.

Good luck with this awful mess. And remember HE is the idiot here, not you. HE wants immediate gratification more than he wants to be an honorable person. And even if right now you doubt he ever loved you, take my word that he most likely did. In fact he probably still loves you now, but would prefer to believe otherwise to assuage his guilt. But he's more interested in the excitement of someone new who probably thinks he's a god with a shrew for a wife.

It has taken me two years to fully believe that our relationship was not all a fake. In fact I think I can pinpoint almost exactly when things started to change, and it had nothing to do with me at all. Once you can think clearly, you may realize the same thing. But PLEASE don't take on responsibilty for his failure as a husband and human being. You have a tough enough adjustment ahead. Take it as easy as you can, and try to be kind to yourself always.

09-04-2005, 09:11 PM
Tammy, I just saw and read through this thread today. You're in our thoughts, and definitely in our prayers. I urge you to see not only a psychiatrist, but a medical doctor about this vomiting and diarrhea. You may well have something physical going on that needs to be addressed, not just a stress reaction. Please take care of yourself.

09-05-2005, 11:54 AM
Hi, I've just been around for a few days. I just read this thread and was really touched by all the support offered. You are a really great group of human beings. Hang in there Tammy. I too was unexpectedly left by a cheating husband. We were going to go for counselling and he left 2 days before our first joint session. I lost 15 lbs that first month and understand the inability to keep food down. I couldn't even swallow. After I got centered and supported I realized that I was so much happier on the other side of that relationship. I finally looked after ME. Thankfully we had no children b/c he was noncommunicative and completely separated himself from me (guilt I suspect..). I lost 80lbs the year he left - in a healthy way b/c I was no longer seeking comfort in food. That was 9 years ago. I am now happily remarried with 3 kids. I gained back all the wt plus some b/c I still struggle with looking after ME (3 babies in 5 years helped some too).

I am glad you have such a supportive network around you and have chosen to seek professional support as well. It will make all the difference. From all these posts I can tell you are a caring and well thought of woman. Stay strong and look after you and your kids. It will all fall into place. Remember you have to put you first so that you are healthy and whole for the kids. (easier said than done I know). I look forward to getting to know you. I would offer you a PM too, but don't know how - just learning this stuff. :grouphug: It gets a whole lot better

09-05-2005, 12:13 PM
Tammy girl. I just got back on board-- literally, and saw all this. I am so sorry and I would like to do anything I can to help you through this. This is so scary for you I am sure, but I know that you will be a stronger person after this is all done. You've been through so much but you are taking all the right steps in recovering. You have every right to be sad and in greiving. You also must know that you will get through this and you will be stronger, smoke free and an in-shape hottie. Please, call on me at anytime. I am serious. I am just glad to see you back here.

Love you girl!

09-05-2005, 01:42 PM
Tammy, I thought of something last night after I went to bed. If you are having any kind of back pain along with the bladder and bowel problems, PLEASE get to your doctor. One of the first things they asked Howie when he first told the doctors of his increased back pain lately was if he was having bladder or bowel trouble. Nerve compression in your spine can directly affect those functions. I don't meant to be an alarmist, but Howie's recent medical issues with his back really have this stuff in the front of my mind and I care about ya. It's important you take care of yourself.

Thinking of you all...

09-06-2005, 12:07 AM
What wonderful friends I have here!! This is the second day my husband has been gone and I did not cry all day. I know that there is still alot of night left but for the most part it was a good day. Oops, I did cry a bit win I talked to my two year old on the phone. Hard to be away from her.

I've done so much thinking. I can mourn the death of my marriage but I deserve better than what he did to me and why in the world would I want to be with a person who could not give me 100%. I'm beautiful and I would be a good catch for any man. Cause no man is going to defeat my soul!!

The doc does not think my weight loss and bowel problems are a problem. Dumb doctor. I have lost a total of 15 pounds in 10 days. I have appetite now but right after I eat it comes right back up.

I only had to take vallium once today and might have to tonight but that is way better than I was doing. I kind of feel free today. I spent the day with my best neighbor and was able to laugh. It was wonderful.

I got most of my hair cut off..I love it!! I am no longer hiding behind my long hair. I will try to post and before and after pic soon. The guy at the video store today was flirting with me like crazy and I was quite amused by that.

Everything happens for a reason and by golly that is how I am looking at this.

09-06-2005, 12:13 AM
Tammy, it's good to hear you processing all this. :)

As for your doctor, I'd find a new one, or at least get a second opinion.

09-06-2005, 01:13 AM
You ARE strong, aren't you? :) So glad to see you making real emotional progress and I hope you can catch up physically soon and find a doctor who IS concerned about a 15lb. weight loss in 10 days accompanied by severe bowel problems!

09-06-2005, 06:15 AM
I'm just now getting a chance to read through this thread. I"m so sorry you are going through this - no one should have to go through what you are going through. It sounds like you are doing well today - I hope tomorrow is another bright day. (((HUGS))))

Hang in there.

Amanda Panda
09-06-2005, 08:05 AM
Hang in there Tammy!

You are right - you do deserve better - and you will find it! Glad to hear you are feeling a little brighter, I'm sure your new haircut and a little bit of flirting have done you the world of good!

We are all here for you Tammy

Love Amanda x

09-06-2005, 09:21 AM
Hi Tammy - I've been following this thread but I'm a little late in posting. I never seem to be able to find the right words of comfort to offer. I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you and I hope you're doing ok.


09-06-2005, 10:48 AM
You are in my prayers, Tammy. I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt and betrayal you feel from such a sudden announcement. But my brother is going through something similar, so I've been hearing it for a while. His youngest child enrolled in college last year, and in January he was on a business trip and talking to his wife on the phone (as he always does when he's travelling) when she up and told him that she wouldn't be there when he returned. He was floored!

The support network you have and you nurture -- friends, faith community, doctors, family, and web -- are here for you. Don't be afraid to lean on us when you need to, or ask for just a single hand when you are feeling stronger.

*Hugs you warmly*

09-06-2005, 03:19 PM
Tammy, I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Happy reading your post! Girl you got that positive vibe going on! Keep it comming! You are SOOOOOOOOOO very RIGHT your Beautiful INSIDE AND OUT and ANY MAN would be considered very LUCKY to have the HONOR of being with YOU!!!! Keep smiling and laughing!!


09-06-2005, 04:44 PM
Boy oh boy...I could not get ahold of my husband today where he is at because his dear grandmother passed so I called my father-in-laws cell number. Seth was asleep, no big deal, he is sick. But, my father-in-law was cold to me. It really hurt. I mean really really hurt. I've not cried. I need to. I've not taken medicine cause I have to do the school carpool in and hour or so. I'm holding it together but how can my in-laws love for me die like my husbands so quickly? Just another bump in the road and it is just something that is going to happen with the impending divorce. Just hurts.

09-06-2005, 05:22 PM
Tammy, Your father in law may not be mad at you personally just the WHOLE thing. You just happen to be on the phone. I'm sure it's a blow to him and no one likes to see a family split. They could be worried they might not see the kids as often or the what if she gets married and totally cuts us off from the kids. I think they may be scared of the what ifs ... I think once your feeling closer to yourself maybe you should have a talk with them and let them know you'll never keep the kids from them.

09-06-2005, 06:04 PM
I would think he's just feeling unsure about how he should act. You know, that icky awkward feeling. Plus, you have to remember that you're probably super sensitive right now and may be reading more into it than there really is. So don't take it personally, he's just being a guy. I also agree with Mez, he may just be scared about how this will affect his time with the grandkids, so make sure to reassure him and put him at ease.


09-06-2005, 06:24 PM
Hi Tammy, I hope u r doing better today. I'm not always good at finding the right words, but I just wanted u to know that I read your story today and I feel for u. U r a very strong, incredible woman, and u should tell yourself that everyday. I know u have a big group of support, but if u every want to chat, please feel free to PM or IM me. If u need to talk, I will be here to listen.

I hope u r having a better week.

Erin Crista

09-06-2005, 06:34 PM
Yes, no doubt he feels awkward about the whole situation, unsure of how to react and embarrassed because his son has decided to break up a family. Who knows, he might even be feeling ashamed of his son. He probably thinks he has to be "cautious" in speaking with you and that might result in a tone that sounds cold, when its really just a "not sure how to respond so I'll be really low-key" tone. This situation is still so new, with so many adjustments yet to be made, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions (even though its human nature to do exactly that!) Concentrate on YOU (and the kids) right now and try not to let the externals get to you.

09-06-2005, 06:52 PM
((((((((((((HUGE UGS)))))))))) I don't know you but being on several of the meds and knowing too much about anxiety I can feel for you so sending good vibes your way.

09-06-2005, 08:35 PM
Thank you all for giving me some insight into the situation. I really needed that. I am feeling better about it now. It passed pretty quick which is a good thing. I'm managing. Just having to try to take everything in stride and keep an open mind. I still feel very positive. That has not changed. My confidence level is coming up. Actually, its strange, but I think it's better now than it has been in a long while. I'm not quite sure how such a devestating situation could make it do that but that is what is happening. Anxiety is a ***** though. Pardon my language. It drives me mad. There are so many medications out there and none of them seem to work. Exercise helps slightly but it's still bad. Thank you so much you guys. You are helping me pull through this and without you I would be a lost soul.

09-06-2005, 09:58 PM
Thank you all for giving me some insight into the situation. I really needed that. I am feeling better about it now. It passed pretty quick which is a good thing. I'm managing. Just having to try to take everything in stride and keep an open mind. I still feel very positive. That has not changed. My confidence level is coming up. Actually, its strange, but I think it's better now than it has been in a long while. I'm not quite sure how such a devestating situation could make it do that but that is what is happening. Anxiety is a ***** though. Pardon my language. It drives me mad. There are so many medications out there and none of them seem to work. Exercise helps slightly but it's still bad. Thank you so much you guys. You are helping me pull through this and without you I would be a lost soul.
You don't know me, I've just started posting here. I've been reading this thread, though, and my heart goes out to you. I wanted to lend my support, and let you know that I'm in San Diego, too. If you'd like RL support, feel free to PM me and we can get together.

About the anxiety meds: I've been through two years of Panic Disorder with my DH, and we've picked up an understanding of what's going on. The trick about the meds is, perversely, you have to take it BEFORE you're in the middle of the attack itself. If you feel the beginning signs of increased tension, if you're going into a situation that you just know is going to push your buttons, you need to take it right then to give it time to kick in. Klonopin won't completely make the anxiety go away, but it will take the edge off and make it manageable. DH has also had great success with meditation. He listens to "Meditation for Beginners" by Jack Kornfeld, and he's become very Zen. :cool:

It sounds like you're hanging in there, and from reading this thread I know you have the strength to get through this. Hang in there!

09-07-2005, 02:50 AM
You have a PM from me, too.

How's today going for you? (Tomorrow will be today by the time you read this)

09-07-2005, 04:42 AM
I had to move from the klonopin to Valium. I have an anxiety attack right in the doctor's office. I think the Valium will be temporary though. Just getting me over the hump for now and then I think I can scale it down. I am on lexapro right now and that does help my anxiety when things are normal. It's just so hard getting the right combinations.

09-07-2005, 11:20 AM
Tammy, I don't have much to add but wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.

09-09-2005, 01:05 PM
I go to the doc today. Something has got to give. I've not kept any food down for two weeks and have already lost two pant sizes, and I know that is not healthy to be losing that much weight so fast.

Mentally I am doing better. Kind of really in the anger phase now. Not many tears anymore. I come to find out that the "friend" that my husband was talking to was a prosepective romantic interest for him. The same one he told me was married and they were just so called friends. I'm getting a little more info out of him each day. I just want honesty so I can get some closure.

09-09-2005, 02:53 PM
Hope your doctor can get to the bottom of this for you! Thinking of you today, Tammy.

09-09-2005, 02:56 PM
Oh Tammy. I hope your doctor is able to help you today. I'm thinking of you.

09-09-2005, 02:58 PM
Tammy, did you get my PM? It had a link to a site that would help you.

09-09-2005, 04:05 PM
Ok, just got back. I had labs done. All were good. The doc is not that concerned with the weight loss since all the bloodwork looked fine. Actually he thought what a bonus it was that I was losing weight in spite what I was going through. Can't figure that one out. Just did not sit well with me. It's not like I want to not be able to eat.

As for the weight loss. I have lost 21 pounds in two weeks. I weighed Monday at 233 and today I weighed in at 227. 248 was my weight before all this **** started to happen.

He took me off Valium and put me on Neurontin. Don't know much about that med, so I am going to have to do some research.

Jen, I got your pm. I've not yet looked at the site. My mind just has been all over the place. I will look at it today. Thank you for sending me a site that is going to be helpful because we all know I can use a heap of help right now.

Seth and Kara get back home tomorrow. I am hoping his return does not set me back. I've made alot of progress since he has been gone. I'm going to do my best to keep balance in the house and just give him his space and let him do his own thing. Actually I'm scared to death of how his return is going to affect me.

09-09-2005, 04:19 PM
I'm glad to see that your blood work looks fine, but I can't help but be worried, nevertheless. I'm really quite surprised that your doctor isn't more concerned. Losing that much weight due to your inability to keep anything down a bonus?? How's about a second opinion??

I'm glad your baby is coming back tomorrow; I know you've missed her terribly. I will be interesting having him back in the house again but remember, you are strong, and you will get through this!


09-09-2005, 06:05 PM
Tammy--In my PM I told you about one of my friends who went through some of the things you are going through and she also couldn't keep food down and lost a lot of weight. I can call her if you like and find out if she has any words of wisdom to help you. The last time I talked to her, she was able to finally keep small amounts down and she sees military docs.

09-11-2005, 12:52 AM
Well, he got back today. It went bad at first and then he really showed alot of compassion. I was a wreck. It was my birthday so that kind of made it worse. We went to eat. When I got home it all came up. What a waste of money. But for now he is doing everything possible to keep me happy. He still does not love me but cares for me as a friend.

I'm just so darn depressed right now. I'm hoping I can get back to the routine by Monday or so when he goes back to work.

I just feel so f'ing weak from not being able to keep food down. No energy at all. I'm at a very low point right now. That helpless feeling. I know that will change but this is just one of those days that are going to happen from time to time. I'm trying my hardest to get out of the rut. It shall pass. Just hoping soon.

09-11-2005, 01:49 AM
Tammy, please, get yourself to a different doctor or to the ER. There's something going on for you to be unable to keep food down this long. Your mind and body need every bit of strength they can get right now. You need to be able to think clearly, to handle stress, to have the patience you need not only with your son, but life in general...So many things. Please, pursue this until you get to the bottom of it. You need your reserves.

09-11-2005, 03:23 AM
Tammy, please stop eating regular food. You have to work your way back up to it as I referred to in a previous post. Take your anti-nausea medication 1 hour before you plan to eat. Start with clear fluids ie gingerale, jello, broth, tea or coffee with no milk, apple juice. When you are tolerating that try full fluids ie milk, soups, yogurt, plain ice cream, other juices, then when you are tolerating that then try regular food but start with really bland food, toast, oatmeal, rice. If you can't even tolerate clear fluids then at least you can say to the dr that you can't keep clear fluids down. I would think any dr worth his or her salt is going to tell you the same thing that I have done. These are basic orders for when someone has persistant nausea. You can't expect your stomach to hold anything down when all you've been doing is vomitting for 2 weeks. It isn't going to magically start working right, you've got to help it heal by starting slow and working back to regular food. I will guarantee you that if you go to the ER they will give you IV fluids with anti-nausea medication and give you clear fluids to see if you can tolerate that.

09-11-2005, 10:58 AM
Tammy, you just can't go on like this. Go to a clinic or the hospital (anywhere but to that doctor who says weight loss from vomiting and diarrhea is a "bonus") :mad:

I'm sorry your birthday was so miserable and that we couldn't wish a better day for you. But I know we're all sending best wishes for you to keep up your strength so you can work towards a better year ahead starting today! It WILL get better, my dear.

09-12-2005, 12:59 AM
Oh, dear, I've been away and missed this. Tammy, please try taking Jen's advice and start with clear liquids. What a turkey of a doctor you had! You need to keep up your strength right now, and the only way to do that is to keep some food down.

Why in the heck would he take you off valium and put you on neurontin? I thought neurontin was a pain medication for nerve pain and originally an epilepsy drug?? Did the doctor say why he was switching medications? Frankly, this doctor sounds like an insensitive dolt.

09-12-2005, 07:16 AM
Tammy -

Checking in on you...How are you doing today? Have you tried what Jen was saying? Have you considered going to a different doc?

09-12-2005, 11:45 AM
Ohh Tammy. I'm so sorry to hear you still aren't able to keep anything down. I think Jen gave you some great advice and hope that you will try it. I agree that you need to be seeing a different doc.

Thinking of you today.

09-12-2005, 12:02 PM
I'm making an appointment with a different doc today. I am keeping clear liquids down now. Not broths and such though. I can keep sprite down, water, propel. I'm trying hard with the broth and jello.

Things in the house are smoothing out quite nicely. I am still having to take a few meds for anxiety. But for the most part I'm starting to heal. Just going through the grieving stage like I am supposed to. I know there will never be total closure to this since we have a daughter together, but I'm still working on closure of the relationship.

09-12-2005, 12:16 PM
Tammy - glad to hear you're seeing a different doctor. Sometimes I wonder how they are able to practice with the treatments they prescribe. Hope the "smoothing" continues. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but sure sounds like you're a strong woman. Keep it up. Obviously lots of love and support for you from these great people. Have a great week.

09-12-2005, 12:27 PM
Hi Tammy - A new doctor sounds like a great idea. Good to hear you're getting back on track.


09-12-2005, 12:46 PM
So very glad you're consulting another doctor. Its difficult enough to go through the emotional distress of grieving the relationship without it all being compounded by physical distress.

09-12-2005, 01:29 PM
Hey, Tammy - just checking in to say you're in my thoughts. I'm so glad you're seeing a different doctor. Just make sure to give yourself plenty of time and space to grieve... the end of a relationship is so difficult, especially when you *can't* make a clean break because of kiddies.

Remember that we're here for you.

09-12-2005, 02:49 PM
Oh thank goodness you are seeing a different doctor!! Something's gotta give here, you can't just keep going on like this. I'll be very interested to know what the new doc has to say about all this, so please update us ASAP.


09-12-2005, 05:29 PM
Hi, Tammy -- glad to hear you're under a different doctor's care! Praying for you and your family, that things can calm down stress-wise. Maybe it would be better if your husband leaves? He's going to, eventually, and the tension of having him there surely isn't so good. He is the one who's had an affair or is at least considering it...Let him find a place to live.

09-13-2005, 01:30 AM
I'm glad you are getting a second opinion, too. :) My best friend lost almost 100# after her divorce, same as you are doing now. She just didn't feel like eating. She has gained half of it back. Her appetite did eventually come back, but she said her stomach wasn't used to large portions anymore. So that is something to look forward to maybe? *hugs*

09-13-2005, 02:52 PM
Well, I have an appointment for tomorrow morning with a different doc. We shall see how that one goes. I look forward to going just to hear what he is going to say about all this.

Secondly, had a really really bad morning and wanted to cut. I did not do it so that is an accomplishment for me. I'm proud of myself. I did have a friend to talk to to help talk me down. I've learned that when I feel I need to I have to talk to someone right away. That ususally stops it from happening.

Still no luck on the food front. My husband and kids had fried chicken and the goodies last night and it smelled so good but still I had not appetite to eat any of it. And ,lordy what they ate was certainly not healthy.

09-14-2005, 03:42 PM
I saw the second doc today. He says for now things are ok if I keep hydrated but also said that if the weight loss continues for to long I will end up in the hospital. He basically said if I start passing out alot then I need to go to the ER. He suggested I try slimfast shakes to see if I could handle them so I could get some nourishment. Right now the thought of even trying to drink a shake makes me almost wretch. I will try though. He says that if I can keep the slimfast down I will regain some of my energy. For now I am living on Propel, but he told me to go ahead and drink, drink, drink. Sometimes it is even hard just to drink. I'm doing my best though.

I am down another 3 pounds in five days. I'm having my period right now so it could be more.

As for things at home. Horrible!! They did seem to be going well. Then the subject of dating came up and he could not handle it. We have since come to a compromise on that but last night there was a situation. He became violent(not on me) and told me I was worthless and always was. Talk about going straight to the core of the heart. I am still hurting from that today. He apologized and admitted he had an anger problem but those words are hard to forget. It's just really ridiculous how he does not love me but is jealous and wants to know my every move. When I say dating it's not really dating it's just going out in a friendly way.

There is so much more but I can't and am not ready to go into it. Things were bad already but they are getting ready to get alot worse I think. I don't know. We shall see. Sometimes I just don't want to be me anymore. But, I realize that I am not the first person who has gone through this and things could be alot worse. It just hurts and is majorly hard to deal with.

Thank you guys for all your kind words. Sometimes I don't know what I would do if I cold not vent.

09-14-2005, 03:55 PM
Hang in there. People certainly do say rotten things, I know it's hard but try to let it roll "like water off a duck's back". It only reflects poorly on him and shows his true colors. The other option for "liquid nutrition" that we have OTC in Canada is Boost or ENsure. They use them in hospital. They may have more calories than you want, but will certainly fill the nutritional needs and keep your strength up (I'm a nurse). When my sister was going thru chemo she would gag on everything but would drink ICE cold boost, sometimes I would blend with ice and just sip slowly. Just a thought. Stay strong and in touch. :group hug:

Stepping Out
09-14-2005, 04:14 PM
I don't post on 100 + very often, but I felt the need to reply to your post. Your husband is emotionally abusive and controlling. I've been there! For your own sanity, you need to leave or ask him to leave AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Not only is he hurting you, he's hurting your children too. It may not be physical, but angry words are like blows...the scars don't show, but they are there and they are painful! If your husband isn't willing to have counseling/mediation, you need to separate. I stayed in my marriage, although my son and I were targets of my husband's explosive anger. We went for counseling which helped both of us. He's worked through his anger issues, and we're still married; but the impact on our son is still there years later :cry:

I'm glad you're seeing another doctor, and I hope you'll be feeling better soon. Please take care of yourself!

09-14-2005, 09:18 PM
I don't think I can hang in there anymore. I'm at an all time low. My husband called me worthless and I feel worthless. And I know I should not, it does not change the fact that I do. It f'ing hurts so bad to know I am no longer loved by my husband. What the heck did I do that was so bad to make him not love me. I did nothing that could him just not love me anymore. He promised me this would never happen. It happened anyway. I can't stand the thoughts going through my head. They never go away. They are constant and lingering no matter what I am doing. I have no peace.

He just came in here and is angry with me because I am so upset. Like all this is my fault. He says I am upsetting the kids. Well, damn, he should never have broke up this family like he is doing. I have to raise three kids and he gets off with an easy life. I don't know how the **** I am going to raise these kids. I don't know how I am going to do it financially. I just don't know anything. I want the best for them and I know that when we leave here they are not going to be able to live like we were. It's just not f'ing fair. He screwed the kids. They never deserved this. I'm an adult, I can take care of myself but he let them down. Warped their view of how marriage should be. I feel so bad for my kids. It hurts to the core of my heart. I never wanted them to suffer. And look what I did, I married someone who is making them suffering and they are the innocents in this. I've let them down. I just love my kids so much I never wanted this for them. I have let them down.

I know all off you have been so supportive and helpful. It's just that it's easy to read and know what I need to do but hard to change the thoughts in my head. I just don't know about anything anymore.

09-14-2005, 11:36 PM
Everything I try to type comes out wrong, but I have good intentions (I just lack the knack for writing!). I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to help you work through your grief but I don't. I know that you said you were seeing a psychiatrist which is good, but maybe you can find a local support group in your area also.

It appears that there are a lot of people on this board that know you well, and I'm getting the impression that you are a very strong person so I think you can hang in there for a while longer. It will take time, but it will get easier.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

09-15-2005, 12:01 AM
Tammy, you poor dear. Please don't beat yourself up: you had no way of knowing he could do this to the family, and it's possible he didn't either. Try to remember that this happens to so many women, including the beautiful and famous. And they are just as devastated as we are.

You did nothing wrong. Please repeat that as many times as necessary to help it sink in. Yes, it takes two for a marriage to fail. But it also takes two to make it work, and it sounds like he is too lazy, selfish, cowardly and/or disrespectful to do his part. And by being mean to you, he is trying to get rid of his guilt. (If you are the one at fault, then he can destroy you and your family with a clear conscience.) Don't fall for it. Whether you are the perfect wife and mother is not the issue. He is your husband and owes you more than a quick "don't love you - bye!". You have said there is another woman involved. How very original of him. The only reason she may seem better to him right now is the excitement and novelty of a new relationship. And trust me, that will wear off. Not that that will make things better for you right now.

Tammy, would it be possible for you to ask him to move out, at least for the time being? Having him in the house is not good for you at all. When it isn't making you feel totally awful about yourself, it will keep hope of a reconciliation alive. If you have him move out, I think you can get a temporary support order for you and the kids to live on. He is being a total jerk, manipulating you when you are at your lowest.

It might even be a nice revenge to go home to your family or to a friend and let him manage the kids and the household. And not for just a day or two. Of course I don't know if that could cause custody problems for you down the line, but it would certainly cramp his style.

If you have access to bank accounts, you might want to get as much cash as you can before he empties the accounts. It might never happen, but an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure... Even if you're sure he would never grab what money the two of you have, his behaviour is clearly not something you can still predict.

I'm glad you've seen another doctor. This one sounds reasonable. Unlike some of the other posters, I'm not so concerned about your lack of appetite. You've suffered an enormous shock, and are probably suffering from post-traumatic stress. It sounds like you're trying to eat, and getting fluids is the most important thing. One small warning: as you shrink, you run the risk of toying with an eating disorder. When everything else seems to be happening TO you, it is tempting to feel that at least you have control over food. So don't stop trying to eat! Meanwhile, the weight loss may be the one positive thing happening to you right now. Just don't be seduced by the illusion of control not eating seems to give you.

Please try to keep your head above water. Try to sleep. Do nothing to harm yourself, your children need you and you deserve to be safe and healthy. And come here to talk to us as often as you need to. You can tell from the number of posts that there is an enormous amount of support here for you. I wish I had known about this site while I was living through the same awful experience. (I don't have kids though, and I did find a good therapist who I believe saved my life.)

You are not alone. If you'd like to PM me, please don't hesitate.

09-15-2005, 01:56 PM
Tammy, you are not worthless. You've done nothing to deserve what your husband is putting you through. Kick him out or get out yourself, right now. It is only prolonging everything by the 2 of you trying to exist in the same house. This is the time when you need to lean on friends and family. Also there are lots of support groups out there who will help you. You live in a fairly large city, you can't tell me that there aren't social agencies who will assist you. Also you need to get yourself a lawyer. How will you raise these kids? Child support and alimony. He will pay it through the nose. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting angry at the person who has done this to your family. Kick him out and get on with your life. Or if he won't leave then pack up the kids and leave him. Yes this is all very scary, I completely understand that but nothing is going to change without some kind of action. At this point you are letting him call all the shots. Well it is about time that you did some positive action. That is the only way you are going to get some self confidence and self esteem back.

09-15-2005, 02:58 PM
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting angry at the person who has done this to your family. Kick him out and get on with your life. Or if he won't leave then pack up the kids and leave him.

Hmmm, easier said than done Jen. The bottom line is, Seth's remaining in the house was a mutual decision based on the greater need of the family rather than any one individual. So I feel that, even if I don't agree with it, I still need to support Tammy in her decision, and be here for her regardless of my personal opinions on the situation. I'm sure she's well aware of what this is doing to her; after all, she's the one living it. So, my point is, she's doing what she feels is best at the moment, so let's support our friend during this difficult time without judgment, 'cause lord knows, that's the last thing she needs right now. No offense Jen, just a different opinion. :)


09-15-2005, 03:11 PM
I've been told by everyone that he needs to go. Facts are I don't have the income to support myself and my children at the moment. This is all very fresh. I feel I am trying to do the best I can with a bad situation. I'm sorry if anyone feels like I am coming of as whining. This is all very new. It's not been three weeks yet.

I think right now the worst thing is the lying he has done. I found out today that he has been telling her he loves her even before he told me he did not love me anymore. All I want is honesty so I have the answers and so that I can move on.

Maybe it's just best I don't post about it anymore.

09-15-2005, 03:44 PM
You should post about whatever u want. That is your right. We are hear to listen and support u. You'll be in my prayers.

09-15-2005, 03:46 PM
Tammy I think it's Best if you DO post about it. We are the one sounding board that is here for you day or night.

We care about you and just have your best interest at heart. We hate to see you suffering. I'm sorry if any of the opinions poted have made you feel like you shouldn't post. It seems like everyone was just trying to help. I know no one meant to be judgemental, just trying to help.

No one feels like you are whining. Truth is, you are going through **** and we are here for you. If this site was all about being warm and fuzzy, I would have left a long time ago!

09-15-2005, 03:50 PM
Isn't he still in the military? If so you need to get to your resource person. If he gets BAQ and separate rats. (not sure what it is called in the navy) you will immediately start receiving that money and not him. Do you also have a military wives' support group. Also talk to JAG about your options.

Also meet with your social services people. They do have resources out there to help women (and men) get out of these situations. I know that it does seem hopeless without you currently having a job outside the home but it can be done.

I know you said that it probably would be best for u2 to live under the same roof for the sake of the kids but your recent posts show that it is hurting the kids probably more by both of you being in the same house together.

What he is doing to you is a form of abuse. Even if he's not hitting you, he is abusing you and you can get help through the abuse hotline. They can probably even help you and the kids get out and set you up in a shelter. 1-800-799-SAFE

We are here to support you no matter what Tammy.

09-15-2005, 03:59 PM
Tammy, I don't know what state you live in, or what the laws are there, but you should look into a few things. If you separate, you may be able to get him to pay child support even though you are not divorced yet. I found out after the fact, that I should have pursued that avenue when I was separated and prior to divorcing.

Also, there may be a low cost and / or no cost legal place that you can get help with. Check around. Call your local health clinics for referrals. Call a lawyer and see what they say. Some may not need money up front. DON'T GIVE UP YOUR RIGHTS TO FAIRNESS!!! You have three kids, which means child support for all three of them. Also, depending on how long you have been married, you should be able to get alimoney, especially cause you don't work and have stayed home with the kids. Find a GOOD lawyer. Not necessarily a "shark" but one that will fight with you and for you.

When I left my husband (very long story and I won't get into it), I had a place to go. I went to live with my sister. I only had one child who was 7 1/2 at the time. My then husband and I had a business together, a house that we had bought with both of our money (plus $10,000 that I got out of a 401K type plan that went defunct - all that money went towards us buying and building that house). When I left, I left him everything. The house, the business, everything in it except some of my clothes and some of my son's toys and clothes. I just wanted OUT of the situation. It was easier to walk away and start over. I had been a stay at home mom for years at this point (7 1/2 to be exact). We ran the magazine business out of our house. I homeschooled, worked the magazine business almost full-time, and took care of the house, cooking, cleaning etc. I walked away with almost nothing and started over.

Am I sorry? No. But, I would have done things a bit different. I would have forced the sale of the house and split the proceeds, as it was worth a good bit and we had lots of equity in it (almost 10 years). I did have him split the debt with me and it took several years to pay it off. I also got, get this, $2500 from him for "my portion" of what was put into the house when I was working. But, it doesn't matter. I made him refinance (my lawyer put a clause in the papers that he had 60 days to refinance or we would sell). Also, we had IRS debt, due to his ineptness in running the business (he was made to pay that too, over time, or the business would rever to me). Overall, he made out good. The house has been appraised at almost three times what we paid for it. The hurricanes messed it up pretty bad last year, and he got over $100,000 for fixing the house and replacing the contents, most of which I helped him buy with my money too.

Oh, don't make the mistake of letting him pay you directly for child support either. GO THROUGH THE COURTS to protect yourself. My ex is running 13 weeks behind on average (about $1500+ dollars) but he still does have to pay. He pays when he feels like it, knows that if he pays at least once during the 30 day period the enforcement people will leave him alone, so he is very unreliable. He claimed at the beginning he would always make sure he paid ontime, and didn't want to go through the courts. I have the option now of taking him back to court for contempt but it would cost a good bit and I don't know if I'm up to that right now. I am trying to give him a chance to catch up, but we will see. At least I do have that option. If I let him just pay me, then there is no proof he paid or didn't pay and no way to force it.

Hang in there Tammy. You are a worthy person, worthy of honesty and a good life. Don't blame yourself for the mistakes HE is making, ok? It's HIS loss. Your kids will be ok. It will be hard on them, but kids are very resiliant. How old are they? Try to find a local church, or women's center and use the resources that are available to you. You need help and support in a time like this. I don't think you are whining. Believe me, I understand your situation. In my case, I was the one who left (a bad situation), but I still understand where you are coming from. We had gone to counseling 6 years before I finally left, and also the year before and up to when I left. I really tried to work it out, for my son's sake. I had one counselor tell me (after knowing everything that was going on) that I should stay anyway, until my son turned 18. He was 7 then. Not good advice. I would have been dead by then, in one form or another, more emotionally, then anything, I guess. I needed to put my son first, and then think about me. What kind of life did he have, would he have, if I stayed. We were fighting, my ex was throwing things at me (a huge, metal flashlight was the last thing he threw and missed, thankfully. There is still a big dent in the metal door of the house where it hit the door instead of me). It was a very unhealthy environment. Sometimes, staying isn't the best thing, especially if the father can't be the father and husband he is suppoed to be or needs to be. You need to move on, one way or the other.


Good luck Tammy. I will be thinking about you.

Oh, by the way, I ended up meeting and marrying the most wonderful man in the world. He's a fantastic step-dad for my son. He loves me very, very much and I wish he could have been my first husband (and last). But, things happen for a reason. We just don't always know what it is at first. Hang in there, take care of YOU, and things will work out.

Kathy B.
Merritt Island, FL

09-15-2005, 05:35 PM
Tammy, I don't think you are whining and I know it is so easy for me to say do this or do that and much harder for you to do. Please keep posting, I didn't mean to make you feel even worse.

09-15-2005, 07:05 PM
Tammy, please don't even consider not posting about this any more. We will all try to make constructive suggestions, but none of it is intended to make you feel bad or inadequate. Right now you are in a state of shock, with no self-esteem left. We all want you to recover some of your feelings of self-worth, but maybe you just aren't strong enough at the moment. The advice about legal help is very, very important. Not just for you, but for the kids too. And his bimbo will not be on your side in this. If she had any morals at all she would not have been messing with a married man with kids. If you want to turn your pain into anger, just think of the fact that he is very unlikely to have told her he loved her and told you he didn't love you unless they have already been intimate. Which makes him an adulterer, and in some states that means he'll pay very heavily for his few minutes of pleasure in divorce court. If there is no legal aid available, most university law schools (if you have one where you live) have free legal aid clinics staffed by smart and eager law students who would just love to help you with advice.

Don't worry that you're whining. This only just happened, and it will take a long time to feel better. Give yourself that time, and cut yourself some slack about the setbacks. Many of us have lived thru something similar, and we are aching for you and hoping our words will help.

Just keep on keeping on. :grouphug:

09-16-2005, 01:07 AM
Please don't stop posting.

And please take everything said here (like every other thread here!) w/a grain of salt. I'm sure no one here means you ill will, if they did, we would kick the :censored: out of them. ;)

You have to do what you feel is best. We can throw suggestions out there, but ultimately, it is up to you. That's what we are here for is to be your sounding board.


09-16-2005, 02:06 AM
Hey, lady, you're not whining! You're scared, confused, lost, upset, and it helps to share how you're feeling. We're a rather opinionated bunch, but, as with any advice, take what you need and leave the rest. There are lots of suggestions to try, and if they work for you, that's wonderful. But please keep posting and let us support you because that's what we want to do. Okay?

09-16-2005, 08:25 AM
Thinking of you ~ praying for you.

09-16-2005, 09:32 AM
I echo what everyone else has said. Don't stop posting if it helps you. Everyone has an opinion -keep what fits and toss the rest. I am sure that when you are ready to dig out that there are agencies who can assist you thru the mire of legalities and finances. Can't remember if I said it b4, but life on the other side of the pain is so much better. I too am in my second marriage to a really good man who has given me 3 beautiful children and more joy than I ever could have imagined. Stay strong. :grouphug:

09-16-2005, 12:33 PM
Hey, Tammy -- Just checking in while waiting for a flight. Sorry we've not posted in the last couple days while out of town. We've been thinking about you, though!

09-16-2005, 06:40 PM
Hello Tammy, I don't usually post here as part of this group, but I want to extend my support to you and let you know that your reactions and feelings are perfectly justified being what has happened to you. I'm sorry to say I've been in the same boat more than once too.

Please remember that you are the victim here, he sounds like he has some confused sense of *rightous* anger.....NO WAY! He opened this can of worms, deceived you and your children and he should be made to take responsibility for his actions. How dare he call you names and try to "blame" you for upsetting the kids? I feel he is taking advantage of your compromised state of mind and will try to use it to his advantage down the road......I hope you don't confuse this with real compassion, the man is not cutting you a break. Guard yourself.

You've gotten some sound advice from your friends here and I believe you will get through this....your world will turn rightside up and you WILL feel better about your life. One day at a time, but it will happen.
sending you good thoughts, I hope you post soon, take care of yourself.

09-19-2005, 02:42 PM
Tammy, I was just checking in to see how you are doing. I don't get on here on the weekends.

09-19-2005, 03:02 PM
Yeah Tammy, I'm thinking about you too. Please check in and let us know how you're doing.


09-19-2005, 04:52 PM
I read Tammy's request on the Faith-based support area.

09-19-2005, 06:01 PM
Just wondering how you are doing??

09-19-2005, 07:48 PM
Here is her post in the other forum:

09-20-2005, 12:27 AM
I sent her a PM today....
REALLY hoping she hasn't disappeared.


09-20-2005, 12:49 AM
I talked with her on yahoo. I was hoping she'd post here. Tammy, stay strong and don't let her move in! It's not healthy for you or your children. I see no reason why they would do that to you knowing what state your in! I honestly think they are trying to mess with you! I'm not sure where you life but check to see if there is a woman's health certer. You do have legal right and she DOES NOT have a right to live in your home! If the treatens to take you child away don't listen...you need to get to a lawyer fast!!

09-20-2005, 12:51 AM
Sorry that post was so messed up... I sooo mad!!! Typing and missing keys or hitting the wrong ones.

09-20-2005, 12:59 AM
Sounds like her husband is hoping she'll leave if he brings this woman in. Tammy, keep in touch with us, let us know how you're doing. We're praying for you to have wisdom and God's peace.

09-20-2005, 06:04 AM
Hi Tammy

I have not been on here for too long but I have compassion for what you are going through because I had bad things going on when I was a child and started cutting a little when I was in my early teens and I think I only did it like 3 or 4 times but I understand the feelings. You are suffering alot right now I am sure but you will get through this and realize how happy you can be. Things happen for a reason and this will show benefits at some point to. Keep your chin up and post here often we all care about your wellbeing.

09-20-2005, 11:16 AM
That B*STARD has a lot of nerve even ASKING Tammy if his girlfriend can move in! How much bullcrap is one person supposed to stand??? He should be a man and just GO be with her if that what he wants.

Anyone wanna go with me to find this guy and knock some sense into him?!?!?

09-20-2005, 12:22 PM
Anyone wanna go with me to find this guy and knock some sense into him?!?!?

I'm in! :mad:

09-20-2005, 08:35 PM
Tammy, I am so sorry for all the troubles you are having.

09-29-2005, 01:03 AM
I told Seth that Sara could not come here. He had left a few days ago to pick her up and bring her back. I had talked to Sara earlier online about how I felt. I told her that by her coming it was horrible for the kids. It was a long conversation.

Seth calls me back a few hours later and simply stated, "do you want her to come or not?" After he made a promise to not emotionally abuse me because of my decision I told him no, I did not want her to come.

I feel empowered that I did the right thing. I feel strength from my decision. I feel these things because my kids mean everything to me and they don't deserve to have to go through anymore turmoil besides the impending divorce.

09-29-2005, 01:13 AM
GOOD FOR YOU! He knows darned well he has no business bringing her into your home. Maybe when he helps her find a different place to live, he can find himself one, too.

09-29-2005, 01:24 AM
I told Seth that Sara could not come here. I feel empowered that I did the right thing. I feel strength from my decision. I feel these things because my kids mean everything to me and they don't deserve to have to go through anymore turmoil besides the impending divorce.Good for you, Tammy!!!! :D :D :D Very proud of you right now. :cool:

09-29-2005, 02:32 AM
I still can't believe the nerve of him to even suggest bringing her to live in your home! I'm so glad you stuck to your guns, Tammy, not only for the sake of your children but for your own emotional well being. Keep finding that strength when you need it!

09-29-2005, 10:52 AM
Good for you tammy. That is great. May you keep up the newfound strength.

09-29-2005, 01:05 PM
Oh Tammy what a NIGHTMARE!!! :( :( :( I am sitting here in complete amazement. I am just astounded.

I'm just so, so, SO proud of you for standing up and speaking up. :grouphug:

09-29-2005, 01:22 PM
He called me at midnight last night and basically told me I owed him that she come because of the "horrible" wife I have been. Then this morning I im'd him to find out what was going on. And the answer I got was that she was not coming because of me. That I had ruined everything. He also said he would not have much at all to do with me when he got back this weekend.

Now there plan is that she is going to her dad's house for three weeks and then see where it goes from there.

Why the **** should I feel this bad when I know I am doing the right thing? I can not tell you the tremendous suffering I am going through. It's almost unbearable. Just when I think things are going to be ok he throws something else at me.

When he called at midnight he was mean to me, which he promised he would not do after I told him I thought it was wrong for her to come. So now when he gets home he will only pay attention to the children and not me at all. He even stated that we are not married. I mean just hearing that ripped my f'ing heart out. I'm going to be treated like you would treat a grocery clerk or someone you don't know very well. I know our marriage is over and I never asked for it back. I just wanted a little respect.

He's using my psych appointments against me when it is the only way I know how to keep this under control. That's another thing he promised he would never ever do. He makes me feel like I am such crap cause I am not handling this well. He says everyone he knows is saying I am overreacting to all of this.

I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. I don't want to be part of society. Just to have their love shoved so much in my face kills me. And why can't I just not love hime anymore? He's told me in the past he is going to push me so hard that I will have to be hospitalized. And you know, I am already that close.

I'm having terrible eating issues. I throw up after I eat everything. I can't stand the feel of food in my stomach. I know it is becoming a problem. I don't even want to try to keep any food down anymore. There is not a reason to. So basically I am setting myself up for an eating disorder. It's not to lose weight, it's a way to make some of the emotional crap go away. It makes me feel better. I went from cutting myself to purging everything I eat.

I know what I need to do. I need to get independent. It's so hard with the cost of daycare. I don't know how much money I could even save up after I had to pay daycare. I feel so screwed. I'm stuck in a situation that I can't change. I don't have anywhere else to stay. No close family.

I know there are so many opinions from everyone. I am just emotionally raw right now. Just in oblivion. It's only been five weeks and this has all come so quickly. I will start seeing a psychologist soon. My phychiatrist has my meds under control the best he can. I feel I am doing what is best for me but get put down by him for it.

Every morning I just wish I would not wake up. I love my kids dearly but he has made me think that I am an unfit mom because of my mental issues. God has a purpose for all this and I know this I just have to get through this part. It still does not stop the wondering of how it would be to just be able to take myself out of the situation all together.

Maybe I was a horrible wife and mom. He keeps telling me that. I realy feel like maybe he is right. Maybe my kids deserve better than me. I've done nothing but hurt them. And that is not what a good mom does.

I need so much help and it just does not seem to come fast enough. I am going off the deep end quickly. He has no compassion for that. He can't . He is in love with someone else. I'll just be a piece of dog crap that he walks over every day.

Please, please, prayers. It's the only thing I have left. Somehow god will see me through this I just don't know if I can hand around that long.

09-29-2005, 01:38 PM
You OWED him? YOU owed HIM???? WTF???? Hello, can we say "MARRIAGE VOWS"??? It boggles the mind what on earth he can be telling himself that justifies his behavior. I'm so mad at him right now I can barely see straight, I can't imagine what it's like for you! I'm in the same city...can I come tear him apart? PLEASE?

DO NOT let him blame you for this. DO NOT let him turn the tides and make this mess your responsibility. The things that are happening right now are happening because of a choice HE made, because of HIS actions. These things would NOT be happening if he had not made the choices he made. Keep your eye on YOUR best interests and stand your ground. We're all behind you and we'll be here if you need us!

09-29-2005, 01:59 PM
So glad to see you back Tammy!
I'm very proud of you for having the strength to come back here and receive the support that you need.

We're here for you....keep posting!


09-29-2005, 03:02 PM
I've got to find a decent paying job out here ASAP...If I have to go on welfare I'll do that also. I need to be out of here. Away. Moving on. I just don't know how I am going to be able to afford an apartment and daycare. All I know is I have to get out of this rut. I need to be doing something for my children and myself that does not involve him.

I'm so scared, I have been an at home mom for almost 15 years. I have no job experience to speak of. I just know without the experience I'm not going to be able to find a job to support my family. I'm so smart and intelligent and almost have a bachelors done but none of them are going to help with getting my foot in the door somewhere with no experience. I'm afraid of the change. I'm afraid of strangers keeping my one year old. I'm just outright scared to death.

09-29-2005, 03:05 PM
DO NOT let him blame you for this. DO NOT let him turn the tides and make this mess your responsibility. The things that are happening right now are happening because of a choice HE made, because of HIS actions. These things would NOT be happening if he had not made the choices he made. Keep your eye on YOUR best interests and stand your ground. We're all behind you and we'll be here if you need us!

Tammy read the above until you know it by heart even if you don't feel you believe it!! Seth is going to say anything to have his way! He doesn't care how you feel just whats to get his way any way possible!! Be prepared for more lies!

09-29-2005, 03:13 PM
You did absolutely the right thing in telling him that Sara could not come to your home. Well done for putting your foot down.

As for his verbally abusing you, difficult though it is, you must consider the source. Much as you love him, the man has proven himself to be untrustworthy, manipulative, and lacking in judgement. I doubt very much he thinks you've been a bad wife and mother, but it suits his purpose to have you believe that. Please, do not fall for more of his lies.

Cutting and bulimia are two sides of the same coin, Tammy. They are compulsive behaviours that provide a temporary feeling of control and a physical expression of the emotional trauma you're suffering. Is there any way you can talk with someone more frequently about how you're feeling? It might help to have someone available at critical times when you need to talk, rather than having to wait for some some arbitrary appointment with your psych. Perhaps a counsellor/therapist or someone through your local church who will listen in a non-judgemental way? Unless you have an alternative outlet for your fear, rage, and hopelessness, it's unlikely the purging will ease up much in the short term.

My thoughts are with you. I only wish I could offer more.

09-29-2005, 03:17 PM
I need to be out of here. Away. Moving on. I just don't know how I am going to be able to afford an apartment and daycare.I know nothing of the laws where you are, but since you've been a SAHM, I suspect Seth will be ordered to pay a hefty whack of child maintenance.

09-29-2005, 03:26 PM
Tammy, I'm not going to ask what it is you can possibly love about this abusive jerk, because at this point I doubt you understand either, but its definitely time to stop loving him and start loving yourself ~ you are worth so very, very much more than he's allowing you to believe. From everything I've read you are a caring, loving and involved mother and no words he can throw at you in an attempt to push you over the edge can change that. I know you're overwhelmed and need immediate guidance. While its great that you're seeking help from psychologist/phychiatrist, I do understand that its difficult enough dealing with the emotional pain without the added worry of how you'll manage financially. Others have questioned whether there are social services and programs (through church/state/military) available to help people in your situation (such as subsidies for daycare, housing, etc.) I know its difficult to function right now, but please look into the options available to you so that independence can become a reality and you can truly get on with your life. :grouphug:

09-29-2005, 03:32 PM
Tammy honey, you are worth so much more than this. He is using your mental stability against you and will continue to do so, because he can. Because he knows that it makes you question yourself. Just the fact that you are now questioning your role as a wife and mother, tells me that's it's working, and he knows it. Believe me, I know how it feels to be manipulated by a spiteful, insecure child of a man. They have a way of making you believe all the crap they're telling you. Don't believe it Tammy; believe in yourself and what you know to be true. My thoughts are always with you. Be strong, my dear, you will make it through this.


09-29-2005, 03:34 PM
I beg you to go and find some help at a shelter for abused women. Tell them you don't need to stay at this time but you need help finding resources...a place to stay, getting on welfare until you can find a job and daycare etc. The sooner you are away from your ex the sooner you can begin to put this nightmare behind you. You've got wonderful kids who need their mother. You are not a bad mother, your ex is torturing you.

I know how hard it is to have a child in daycare. I cried for a week after leaving my son in daycare when he was a year old. I'd make it out to the car and bawl my face off. It is very hard and very scary but you can do it. In the long run I think a good daycare is worth its weight in gold because they do so many wonderful things for your child and you as well.

I can tell by your posts that you are worn down to the bone, sick of the whole thing, sick of yourself, your ex and just wanting to crawl in a whole and never come out. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You've done nothing wrong, regardless of whatever bullsh!t he's trying to throw at you. You are a victim, your kids are victims, plain and simple. He's deliberately trying to hurt you, you've got to see that. When you and the kids get away from him things will be a million times better. It will be a different life than what you are used to now but it will be better.

My mom went through something similar with my dad and instead of striking out on her own, going on welfare or trying to get a job she ended up moving in with another man who was also verbally abusive. I can't even being to imagine what my life would be like now if she had done things differently. My husband is sometimes verbally abusive in a passive/aggressive way. He is taking medications for his emotional problems and things are better but it is a pattern. Probably my grandpa was that way as well and my mom ended up with men who were the same and I ended up with a man that is similar. It is crazy.

Anyway I congratulate you for standing up and telling him that this other woman could not move into your house. It was absolutely the best thing to do and a great first step into taking back control of your life.

Normally I don't pray but Tammy, I will pray for you, that you get out of this miserable situation soon and are able to start a new life for you and your kids.

09-29-2005, 07:16 PM
Tammy, is there any kind of distress line you could call when things get to be too much? I used one here once, must have been on the phone for about 4 hours, but it got me through the night. And when you're feeling like you can't go on, close your eyes and feel all our arms around you, comforting you and holding you up. All these nice soft round shoulders to cry on, all the warmth radiating towards you. Mr. Sensitivity may say everyone feels you're not dealing well with this. Ha!!! Who cares what his bimbo and his imaginary friends think? You have hundreds of us right here who think he should be shot for what he's done. Is he stupid or what? Maybe he has some disease that's eating away the part of the brain that governs compassion and kindness and morality.

Maybe if there's someone reading this who knows California law they could tell us whether I'm right that Tammy can make him move out and keep the house to herself? (Of course if it's a rental that won't help the money problem.)

I'm pretty sure that he has to continue to support you and your kids once you separate, so don't worry too much about the money thing just yet. The sooner you get him out of the home, the better; as long as he's there he can document your distress to use against you if there's a custody battle. If you were a terrible wife and mother why did he have kids with you? Why did he wait to find some amoral slut before ending the marriage?

It's hard enough losing your marriage. But in my experience the real killer is the humiliation and hurt of being betrayed and then abused by a man we trusted to show us respect, honesty and faithfulness. ADULTERERS DO NOT GET THIS. THEY DO NOT WANT TO GET THIS. THEY WANT IT TO BE ALL YOUR FAULT SO THEY WON'T FEEL GUILTY. (While I was weeping and immobilised by it all my husband put on a face like there was a bad smell in the room, and said it repelled him that I was so needy. I can't imagine why a woman in that situation wouldn't be a little needy.)

Please Tammy, if you don't have the strength to look for some free legal assistance, could you ask a friend to do so for you? I'm so worried about you being even more taken advantage of by that cad. You really need to protect yourself and your kids.

Your husband may be right in saying you're having mental problems. But I have a feeling you were coping reasonably well until he pushed you over the edge. Anyone who is tortured like that will be a wreck. You're not nuts, you're suffering from shock compounded with the abuse being heaped on you. If you can't see a shrink more often, keep coming here and use us as a sounding board, okay?

And please try to eat, or at least get some broth or meal replacement shakes into you belly. Your kids need a healthy mother. They must also be reeling and totally confused.

Please don't give into any self-destuctive urges. If you can't believe right now that you'll one day feel better, do it for your kids.

Stay in touch, we're all with you. :grouphug:

09-29-2005, 08:25 PM
Well, come to find out she is coming. I can't stop it. I am going to the ER when my friend gets home. can't take anymore. He's treating me like ****. My mind is now so overwhelmed that I don't want to live anymore. I can't take this pain. I just can't do it. His only concern on the phone was how to get her on the next bus so they could meet up in Chicago. What I felt meant nothing to him. He was only concerned about her having to ride the bus alone.

09-29-2005, 08:47 PM
You can't stop it? It's your house, too. If your name is on the lease or on the mortgage, legally he can't move anyone into YOUR house without your consent.

Though, it would give you the opportunity to make their lives a living ****...:s:...oh, wait, my :devil: side is coming out.

Oh, what the heck. They deserve it. You have hoever many days that the bus trip takes... :bomb:

I am willing to help you and I am in your city. PM me if there is any way I can give you a hand. I know you don't know me but I am willing to help.

09-29-2005, 09:32 PM
Tammy, please accept Mousie's offer of help. You need support. He has no right to bring his mistress into your home. Call her parents, call his parents, call a locksmith to change the locks and keep them out.

If you're feeling truly desperate, do go to the ER. You are not crazy, you are overwrought, and no wonder with what's going on. If your friend is coming to babysit, does she have a large and trustworthy husband/boyfriend she could bring along to keep him and his shameless hussy out? He is a threat to your health, maybe even your life at this point. It might even be worth calling the police to keep him and his fancy woman out of your house.

Please PM Mousie with your phone number. We don't want anything to happen to you.

09-29-2005, 10:42 PM
I think it's because of the kids that you will be able to get help, Tammy.

I was unemployed for 18 months & could not get much help. I only had me to support, how hard could that be? seemed to be the helper agencies' attitudes. :rolleyes: Whatever.

But you! You have kids, and you've been a SAHM, meaning there is lots of help available for you. Please let Mousie help you.

And don't let that :censored: in your house.

09-29-2005, 11:51 PM
Tammy, my heart hurts for you. Don't let him get at your very core. Like others have said, he is a manipulative, immature child of a man. He's set his mind to driving you over the edge in order to appease his guilt. DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU, GIRL. You can get through this, and you will. There are so many people here praying for you, listening to you...You're not alone.

09-30-2005, 02:12 AM
You and your children have rights. Change the locks. Please go to the ER if you're still feeling desperate. Don't give up, Tammy, you can beat this, I know you can!

09-30-2005, 02:51 AM
I finally had enough tonight and called my ex-sister-in-law because my son wanted to go there. Well she went to my ex's house after hearing all about this. He's been my ex for over 10 years now. But, him and his wife said that we could come there. They even bought us our plane tickets. We are going to Deleware. This is totally scarey and I am really afraid but I know my children are going to be safe now. I could not believe their kindness in wanting to help us. I prayed and I am sure this was my answer. I know we will be safe there. I will just have to make a new start there. I know it's going to be hard and I am so scared I can't even explain it. In the pit of my stomach I still just feel so alone.

Seth was very angry. He said alot of really bad things. Tried to blame this all on me again. I told him I would not take anymore blame from his sorry *** ever again. Keep me in your thoughts. I'm scared. We leave Tuesday night.

09-30-2005, 08:39 AM
Hi Tammy,

That's WONDERFUL that you have help so you can leave. I'm very happy for you. BUT, and this is a big one, you STILL need to follow through with a lawyer and get that jerk to pay some child support. DON'T let him off the hook. This is HIS mess, you don't need to be cleaning it up. He got what he wanted - her and him in your house, as soon as you leave. Ok, you do what you have to do, but don't, under any circumstances let it go at that. You need to file for child support. Don't let it go or put it off. As soon as you get to Delaware, you need to find a lawyer that will help you get what you need for those kids. As a single mom, it will be difficult for you to support them on their own. DON'T LET HIM GET OFF WITH NOTHING, OK????? You'll regret it later down the road. YOU HAVE RIGHTS. Only you can follow up on it and make sure you get what you deserve.

I walked away and let my ex have everything but our child. I took our son with me. But he got the house, the business, two cars (I got the junker that I was driving at the time). I did what I had to do, but if I had the advice I am giving you, I would have done it different. He made out really good, and only pays a small amount of child support (and is behind on that). He's an *** most of the time (although, it's better now that I remarried and the divorce was 2 1/2 years ago, but he still runs behind in child support. I was TOO EASY on him and TRYING TO BE NICE after 17 years of marriage. I WAS STUPID!!! Don't make that same mistake.

Good luck Tammy!


09-30-2005, 10:49 AM
Hi, Tammy.

I have been reading this thread and I wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I am glad you have a place to go. I would suggest, however, before you leave you visit your local Welfare Department and find out how to garnish your husbands wages for support for your children. Take his social security number, address where he works, birthday, and any other personal information you might need in order to receive support.

I was going to suggest you get a restraining order against him if you were going to remain at your house. If you feel threatened in any way, you can get a restraining order barring him from you, your house, and your children. Then you can change the locks. Laws are very strong against abusive behavior and protecting women and children now. If you need to, you can also apply for government aid and move into government housing until you can move to Delaware.

Find a lawyer immediately. You have rights, and so do your children. From your posts, they are your priority. Don't let him verbally abuse you into giving him anything. I think California has alamony laws, so you are entitled to that as well as child support. Make sure you get it. I know you are probably at a point where you just want to get away from him and be done with it, but please, please don't do that.

This is not your fault, so please do not punish yourself. You have done everything you should have done. Do not let him convince you otherwise. He is the one that chose his path. Now, you need to only think of yourself and your children. Let him do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. You just take care of yourself and your children. Focus on that. You will be able to get through this. It seems hard now, but it will get better.

You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.

09-30-2005, 11:41 AM
OMG!! Tammy you sure have been through the wringer lately.

First of all, I am so very proud of you for reaching out and getting the help and support you need. I'm sure you will feel much better in Denver.

I think shanberg had a very good point. The minute you get to Denver you need to get some legal help. I know that money is an issue, but find a way. Tammy, it's so much easier just to not fight for your rights and just walk away. But you have rights and he should pay. Of course all fathers should pay child support, but him especially. Of course we are all assuming he is the kids father and maybe that's not the case. But you should be getting child support from someone. But in any case you have rights.

It's interesting how we let people cloud even convince us of opinions about ourselves that we know to be false. Tammy you know you are not a bad mom. In fact, you know your a good mom. But when people bark nothing but nastiness at us, we think they must be right.

I hope you realize that it is absolutlely appaling that he even had the nerve to ask you if she should come and stay with you. That's like asking someone who just had surgery and is in the hospital to run to the store and get you something. It's just unthinkable. It's just not done. And then for him to have the nerve to make you feel bad for saying no. What the **** did he think you'd say?

He knows how to push your buttons and he knows how to bully you into doing things his way.

Tammy, dear, time to switch gears. You are the victim here. You were done wrong. No more letting him get into your head. Time to get into B :censored: mode. He has lost all his rights. He deserves nothing. From this moment forward, you make all the rules. You are in control.

09-30-2005, 12:14 PM
I'm so glad to hear that you are getting out of this rotten situation though I wish it were tonight and not Tuesday. Please be safe and brave. You have the strength deep inside you to get through this and start a new life for you and your children.

09-30-2005, 01:53 PM
OMG Tammy. I'm so sorry he is being so manipulative toward you. I'm glad to hear you are getting out of that situation. I urge you to contact mousie and have her help you get the resources you need to take care of now before you leave that state. You can at least get the ball rolling.

There are also lawyers out there who do pro bono (you won't have to pay) cases and you may have to search out several until you find one but I'm sure there is at least one out there who would be willing to help you and your children.

09-30-2005, 01:55 PM
He's been my ex for over 10 years now. But, him and his wife said that we could come there. They even bought us our plane tickets. We are going to Deleware.
Good Lord, Tammy....I am just heartsick for you. And at the same time, LOOK!! LOOK at this corner you're turning! :) ABSOLUTELY do everything you can to nail his *** to the wall -- he MUST be accountable for your care and that of your children. But just LOOK at what your ex-sister in law, your ex and his wife feel for you and your situation!!! Clearly they all care about you a great deal and very much value your well-being -- so take that to heart and hold it close, girl. We all love you, they love you, obviously your son doesn't want to be in that house......all roads are pointing forward to a new beginning. And Delaware is freaking beautiful! :) I know you must be simply terrified, and it's all got to be just completely overwhelming...but you WILL get through this. You will. I think getting out of that city is the very best thing you could do. Once you get some distance from that hateful, miserable, manipulative, piss-ant, shamefully sorry excuse for a man, you'll begin to regain perspective, and you'll begin to be able to take some steps forward.

Tammy, you truly are a person of value and quality and worth, and you deserve much, much better than this. I was SO happy to hear you referring to yourself as intelligent and smart! You ARE intelligent and smart.....and so much more. You really are going to heal from this -- now that you're getting the **** out of that house and away from that completely destructive, soul-killing situation. She wants him? She can HAVE him! You deserve just so much more, Tammy.

This is just such a corner, and around that corner is a brighter, sunnier, calmer, and healthier place -- one where you can find peace, and remember all the wonderful things about Tammy that are so clearly evident to everyone who comes in contact with you. :grouphug: You're going to be ok. :goodvibes

Just don't forget to avail yourself of any and all resources in holding The Cheater accountable in every way you can. He's in the military -- don't they have resources and support there for the spouses?? Once you get out of there, get to Delaware, and receive some TLC and support from friends and can finally get a night's sleep, you'll be much better able to find the strength and wherewithall to start to take those positive steps towards your future -- which includes reaching out to external resources.

I am just so, so happy you are able to make this move, Tammy. You really are going to be ok. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

09-30-2005, 02:21 PM

You need to take things with you to Delaware.

If you own your house, you need to take a copy of the mortgage and any information about appraisals, refinancing, whatever. You need copies of bank account information, insurance accounts, retirement accounts. He is in the military, I'm sure you know it off the top of your head but you need all his information--rank, SSN, commander, contact phone numbers for command, etc. I know you're not ready to deal with it right now, and that's okay, but you NEED this information when you are ready to talk to a lawyer. You need to know where the money and assets are.

I'm sure the idea seems dirty and daunting to you, but you need to step away from that for just a minute and do what needs to be done. It's not about revenge, it's not about trying to get him back, it's not about retribution toward the other woman. This is about taking care of yourself and taking care of your kids. The last thing you want is to be cut off from any kind of support.

Don't think for a minute "oh, he wouldn't do that to me or to the kids". Look what he's done already! These are things you need to do to make sure your kids will be okay. From reading I'm sure you're a good mom and a kind, generous, good-hearted woman, but that isn't enough to support them. Don't let him walk away without looking back. He has a responsibility to those kids, and YOU have a responsibility toward them too.

09-30-2005, 02:35 PM
Tammy there are Women's Crisis Centers (or something similar) in most states, usually the hospitals will have all the information. The people who run these centers will know the laws in your state and will put you in touch with the pertinent information you need. He is responsible for his children.

He cannot just shirk his responsibilities and run off into the sunset with his little friend and his weenie while you struggle. This pathetic excuse for a man with the morals of an alley cat in heat needs a good dose of reality. and you will give it to him when he least expects it.

Once you are out of the situation, you will feel calmer and be in a supportive environment with the kids....Until Tuesday, keep busy with getting ready to leave and share no information with him and that little twat. Take what cash you need and move it to an account with your name only. Close-out the joint credit cards and checking.

If you can't eat, drink some light juices, crackers to keep from getting a head-ache. Take the kids to a movie to get out of the house. less contact is best for your state of mind and a confrontation in front of your kids is added stress.

good luck, you are going to be OK.

09-30-2005, 02:49 PM
Wow, such smart, thorough advice from everyone! What would we ever do without this community? Sarah is right Tammy, this is the start of a brand new life for you, and if you embrace that, you can make it what ever you want it to be. I know it's hard to see this in a positive light right now, but not many people get the opportunity at a "do-over", so please, do what you must to take full advantage of it. Be strong Tammy, we're all behind you 100%.


09-30-2005, 03:45 PM
Tammy, that's excellent news! It speaks highly of your Ex and his wife, as well as of YOU. Be sure you document *everything*, start to finish, and get it into a lawyer's hands. Do this soon.

09-30-2005, 10:10 PM
You go girl! What a relief to know you'll be getting out of that awful environment. I know it won't fix everything, and it'll be a bit scary to move so far. But doesn't it make you feel better to know that your ex and his wife care enough about you and believe enough in you to not only offer to take you in, but to send you air fare to get there! I guess they don't think you're such a terrible wife and mother, right?

You just need to tough it out another three days. I hope you'll use some of that time to follow some of the legal and financial advice you've seen here. Maybe knowing escape is in sight will help you to feel better, to keep something in that stomach, to take care of a little pre-travel business.

The more you talk about Seth, the worse he sounds. Is he mad because you're not going to be waiting at home to cook and clean for his bint and him? What a putz. (Amazing how they can keep us fooled about their true nature for so long!)

Meanwhile, you've got your kids, you've got us (lucky you!) and you've got family in Delaware who don't just pretend to care - they're really doing something to help you out of this mess.

Do keep posting. We're all so invested in your life now we really need you to keep in touch and let us know how things go.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

09-30-2005, 11:28 PM
I got all of the important papers I needed all gathered up today. I don't feel like I've done much but my motivation is so bad right now because I am so scared. Basically all I have left to do is wash clothes and pack them. There is barely anything here I want. He can have what's in this house. I don't want them. I'm trying to make sure I make some room for each of the kids some toys.

After he met up in chicago with Sara his mood changed. Go figure. They will be here Sunday.

He's agreed on 500 child support and 200 alimony. Does that sound fair? We share just the one child together. I just want to make sure I am doing what is right.

OOPs...I am going to Maryland not Deleware. I guess I have been so out of it I goofed.

09-30-2005, 11:38 PM
I got all of the important papers I needed all gathered up today. I don't feel like I've done much but my motivation is so bad right now because I am so scared. Basically all I have left to do is wash clothes and pack them. There is barely anything here I want. He can have what's in this house. I don't want them. I'm trying to make sure I make some room for each of the kids some toys.

After he met up in chicago with Sara his mood changed. Go figure. They will be here Sunday.

He's agreed on 500 child support and 200 alimony. Does that sound fair? We share just the one child together. I just want to make sure I am doing what is right.

OOPs...I am going to Maryland not Deleware. I guess I have been so out of it I goofed.
"His mood changed"? What, he wasn't attacking you because he had a distraction? Oh, that's good character... :mad:

Is there a way they could stay at a hotel sunday and monday night? There's some cheap ones down on El Cajon Blvd...I think at some you pay by the hour. :p This is ridiculous, how callous and tacky is he (and that question goes for her, too)?

I can't make a call as far as child support and alimony, you'll have to get professional advice on that one--or at least someone with experience in that arena. Don't sign anything until you get someone who's fighting for YOUR interests, alright?

10-01-2005, 12:30 AM
Tammy, I'm so proud of you for taking this big step. I know the unknown is terribly scary, but this is a new beginning for you. You have people who care about you, and you will be okay. Don't worry about being fair--file for divorce as soon as possible and get as much child support and maintenance as you can.. You deserve it, and don't let worry about fairness get in the way. He wasn't fair to you, nor will he be so you must consider what's best for you and your kids.

Mousie has a great suggestion about the motel. You don't need to let this woman in your home.

You're strong, Tammy, and you will get through this and prevail.

10-01-2005, 01:58 AM
I wouldn't agree to *any* amount until you see a lawyer and talk to some family advocates. Considering you've been a SAHM and basically been abandoned, I don't think he's offering near enough. You need some good legal counsel.

10-01-2005, 04:25 PM
Today I am very sad. I know it is right to get the kids away from this, but I also feel so much guilt for putting them in this situation to begin with. My daughter is tore up becasue she has to leave her pets and friends.

I've cried almost all day. I still think I can't believe this is happening. I still wonder where I went so wrong. I don't want a new life. I the life I had before all this crap happened.

I know I am strong and I know I can do this it's just right now I feel that my mind can not take anymore.

All the paperwork is together and most of the clothes packed. I am about 85% done with having everything completed.

They get here tomorrow at 4 something. I have no words for this. My insides are dying.

10-01-2005, 04:39 PM
Ah, Tammy. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

First comment: try to let go of the guilt. You didn't put them in this situation--he did, by making the decisions he has made. You would have none of this happen, and therefore you deserve none of the guilt. I'm sure you're arguing that you've made the decision to leave the city, but you wouldn't have made that decision without him making his choices. If there is guilt to be ascribed here, it's his.

Second comment: Tuesday probably seems like it's a long way away. Come here, spend time here. I have a free day tomorrow and a free afternoon monday, hang out with me. We can go to Balboa Park or go down to the Bay, or go walk around Seaport Village. Do whatever it is that you have to do to make sure that you're taken care of. You're in a bad situation, and we'll help you through it as best we can.

10-01-2005, 05:26 PM

Did I understand that your current husband is the father of one of your kids (you have three, right)? So you can only get support from him for the one child you share. But, that means, you SHOULD already be receiving support for the other two (depending on the situation with their father, which I have no idea if he is alive or not, forgive me if not). Depending on the situation, you should pursue support for the other two as well, if that is feasible. Sorry, hard to put this delicately. Hopefully, you know my intentions are good. :) You need to get as much help as possible.

Also, it's probably a good idea to take Mousie up on her very generous offer! You need a real, live friend and she's offering.

The third thing I really wanted to say,is when are you going to get royally pi**ed off????? Anger can be a good thing you know, and it can make you strong and carry you through bad situations. Don't keep letting this jerk walk all over you. Get good and ticked off and do what you need to do to keep your sanity, ok?

Good luck.

10-01-2005, 10:07 PM
Tammy, when you get to Maryland I want to come and give you a big hug. I am so glad that things have taken a turn for the better. Your ex and his wife sound like wonderful people for helping you out. I don't know what else to say, I'm just SO SO SO relieved you're goign to be away from that worthless piece of garbage of a "human being."

Please, repeat after me: I AM STRONG. I AM WONDERFUL. I am an EXCELLENT mother who loves her children. I am going to be ok. and I have a LOT to offer the world.

:::hugs tammy tightly::

10-02-2005, 11:19 AM
I totally understand you wanting to go back to the life you had before all this started. There have been many times that I want that exact same thing but we have to accept that isn't going to happen and get on as best we can and cope with what has been thrown at us.

Goddess Jessica
10-02-2005, 01:04 PM
Hi Tammy,

Please remember that children are resilient. They will cry because they are leaving their friends and pets but they will make new friends. Their current situation will hurt them more than moving. You're doing the right thing. They will appreciate that in the long run, even if they do not immediately.

If you need my help, you have my number. I'm only a bridge away. :)


10-02-2005, 08:12 PM
Two hours and they will be here. I feel a huge anxiety attack comeing. The tears are already flowing. I want to be strong and brave and not let them see how hurt I am. I just can't. My son is so angry right now. It scares me a bit. I'm not sure if he is made at me or Seth and Sara. I'm sure the latter of the two is the ones.

I want to be angry. The only thing my anger has done before was for him to emotionally abuse me and place more blame for the end of the marraige. You don't know how much I want to yell at him for what he has done to my family. Maybe I can get through the anger phase once we are out of here.


Please please let my strength come through and pull me through this. I have been through way to much to let this SOB kill my spirt.

10-03-2005, 12:42 AM
How you doing, Tammy?

10-03-2005, 02:11 AM
Things really got messed up. Only my son is going now. I am going to move in with my neighbor Andria. They are here now and went out for a soda and he had his arm around her. It killed me. It just all kills me.

10-03-2005, 03:45 AM
I kicked him and his girlfriend out tonight. I don't deserve this and neither do the kids. Tomorrow I will be call his command over this. To make sure that he cant not live here til the divorce is fianl. I am mad now. They got here and he treated me like I did nto even exist. I called the police. They had to leave for the night. I'ts a big load off of my chest. He does not deserve to do this to me. I also let his gf know that he was sleeping wth me while he was saying he loved her. I had had it. I had to pull out the big guns.

Now, I am wondering if can get foodstamps since we are only serperated. I don't know anything about thie at all. All I know is he Is nto going to support ne at all. So that means in a few days I probaby wont gave tv, internet, or phone. I know he is going to be cruel to me.

I am srong i can do this. I won't tolerate letting him be this way to me anymore!!

Californian ladies, I migh need your help badly soon.

10-03-2005, 06:57 AM
Hold strong, Tammy. What you did (kicking him out) was extremely brave, and you should be really proud that you found the strength to do that. Sounds like there are some 3FC people out there who are close by, and very keen to support and help you - so don't be shy about asking for their help!

I know, in this time of extreme pain and crisis, you feel that this will never be over.....but things will get better, and you will find your way through this.

Keep posting - there are a lot of people here who care about you.

10-03-2005, 09:07 AM

There has to be some sort of advocacy program for women in the state of California. Look online, call your local health department, call your doctor, call someone and FIND OUT what resources are available for you. This is ridiculous. He HAS to pay child support and will have to pay alimony too, probably. You need to find out what is available to you so you can live. And, yes, you may be able to get food stamps. He is ABANDONING you and your children, even though you kicked him out.

That's good that you finally got pissed enough to kick them out, and plan on calling his command today. Don't back out of that. If he is in the service, which it sounds like he is, then there are probably resources for you from them as well. ASK, ASK, ASK! Tell them what happened (as unemotionally and objectively as possible, as you don't want to come off as hysterical, ya know?). Keep your head about you, but get out there and find out what you can do for yourself and your kids. He can "say" he won't do this or won't do that, but there are LAWS for a reason. Stand up and fight! You are worth it and your kids are worth it.

What an ***. Remember, he will do anything and everything to make you feel bad, mess you up emotionally, etc. JUST BECAUSE HE CAN! Also, he may be trying his best to screw up your mind so he can fight you later for your child. DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU. Be strong, get ticked, whatever it takes to make you strong enough fight him. If you bend to his torture, he will just continue doing it. If you can ignore it and PROVE TO HIM that he has NO CONTROL over you and that you CAN MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE then that is the worst kind of "revenge"!

YOU CAN DO IT TAMMY! You have lots of support and friends. Don't let him dictate how your life is gonna be. Grab those reins and get yourself where you need to be!


10-03-2005, 09:26 AM
YAY Tammy! I am so glad you found your anger. I don't in any way advocate making decisions in anger, but I also realize that anger gives you strength to do things you normally would shrink from doing that nevertheless need to be done. ROCK ON! I'm so tickled you kicked them out, that you stood up for yourself and said you wouldn't put up with being treated like that! :dancer:

I will try to check in regularly today, PM me if you need some help. Are you going to Maryland on tuesday, or not? I wasn't quite clear on that one. "Only my son is going"...to Maryland?

Kudos to you for calling command. The military has experience with this sort of thing, there are resources out there for you. And he can't get out of child support and alimony. He can *try*, but it's still his responsibility. Since he's in the military, I believe there's a way that they set up his paychecks so part of the money comes directly to you. Hmm. Ask command, they'll know, or they'll know where to point you.

YAY for Tammy for standing uo for herself! :):):)

10-03-2005, 12:07 PM

I've been following your situation but haven't said much regarding it because I have NEVER been through anything like this personally. My parent's split up when I was 12 and he was seeing someone else but it's NOT why they decided to split. It was just the final straw in a long line of reasons. My mom went through some of the trauma that you're going through as far as not eating, being depressed, needing medication, and talking with a psychiatrist. The worst of it was when she disappeared for over 24 hours and no one knew where she went.

I guess the reason I am writing is because I know you're worried about your kids and how they're going to come out of it. The truth is, it WAS a difficult situation for my brother, sister, and I but we're NOT forever damaged by the situation. My brother and sister seem to not care at all. I probably am the most traumatized from it. I think it was because I was older and also am the most emotional out of the three of us. My problems were the weight gain (the start of my emotional eating) and I have major trust issues which are finally starting to be resolved. I also am afraid of commitment. I commit as far as being faithful to someone but marriage SCARES ME! I don't know how old or how many kids you have other than the youngster you had with him but if they're younger I don't think that they will come out very traumatized.

I know that your situation is different in some ways. My mom and dad are friendly and he was NEVER an abusive a-hole like your guy. I hope you guys can eventually at least be amicable for the sake of the kids but when his little fling is over, I hope you NEVER want to take him back. I also wanted to write to tell you how great I think it is that your moving on. I was thinking about how you said you love him... and I think of course part of you does. On the other hand, don't let yourself be a victim! He's an insensitive SOB. Who the H does he think he is to bring another woman INTO the home that you shared together! I think he is kidding himself if he thinks that it's really going to work with this new lady. In my opinion, he doesn't sound like he can have a healthy relationship with ANYONE because he's too demented. Well, I don't want to completely trash him because you do/did love him and there must be some good about him or you wouldn't have wanted to marry him to begin with... The sooner you can get him completely OUT OF YOUR LIFE the better. Some tips I learned... don't talk to him for 60 days minimum. Take one day to really think about your relationship, cry, whatever and then pitch out everything that makes you think of him and be done with thinking about him! I know this is hard because you're still in the home you shared with him but if/when you can... GET OUT!

I wish I could do more to help. I hope all is well... God bless!

10-03-2005, 12:09 PM
Tammy, I'm so glad to hear that you are taking charge and not letting him walk all over you. There are a lot of services out there for you to utilize. Look in your phone book. I would call an abused women's shelter and ask for help. Are there any crisis help lines in your area, they might have some contact numbers. Call Legal Aid, this is what they are suppose to do isn't it, provide service to people who are being taken advantaged of and have no money to get help. Oh yes he will pay you alimony and child support. You've got proof that he is committing adultery while still married, there were police at your place that saw the whole thing yes? Saw that his girlfriend was there? A lawyer can also help with making sure that your electricity and water etc is not turned off...okay there is a lot that you can do, getting the locks changed would be the first thing I would do.

There have been a couple of ladies that live in your area that have offerred to help, call them please. I know they are virtual strangers but now is the time you are going to have to rely on the kindness of strangers and accept help from those who have the power to give it because you need help until you can stand on your feet again.

10-03-2005, 12:34 PM
I called the chaplain and family advocacy today. The chaplain is talking to his command. Family advocacy is going to help me get a restraining order against him. And, they are setting me up with a victim's advocate. I'm angry. I'm doing it. My kids won't suffer because of that *******. My 9 year old daughter would not even sleep at home last night. Screw all that. Those are my babies and I am fighting tooth and nail for them. I will protect these kids.

My only problem is I might have pushed Seth to far and I honestly fear for my life now. His anger is large. He may not have ever been physically abusive before but being pushed to far is all it would probably take.

I had to get out of that mourning stage. I mean I am still there but anger is more prevelant and my therapist said this would come. Well, it's here now!!

P.S. My California friends please pm me with your phone numbers.

10-03-2005, 12:39 PM
Thank God you found the anger to kick him out, and good for you for calling the police. When (if) you go to see his base commander and any other official people, maybe it would be good if a friend would go with you? That way if your emotions take over and you get too upset to stand up for yourself and ask for what you need, she can step in and speak for you and shore you up.

I'm pretty sure you're entitled to child support when you're separated, maybe alimony too. If there's any money in joint accounts, make sure you get your mitts on it asap before he and his floozie grab it. It's pretty clear that you're in their way and they'll do what it takes to drive you nuts or at least drive you out of your home. California is a community property state, I think, so you're entitiled to half of anything the two of you have. He is bluffing when he says you get nothing.

I'm sorry that you won't be going to Maryland with your son, but I'm glad he'll be out of this toxic environment. It's probably not quite as hard on the little ones, although they must be pretty confused by all the anger and anguish.

If you live in military housing you're probably right that you'll have to find a new place, but while you're still there don't forget that you can call the military police if you need them and not just the city police. It might be more of a threat to him as it would go on his record.

Right now you're in crisis and in no shape to be looking for a job. It's time to apply for welfare or whatever kind of assistance would give you food and enough money for the basics. And make sure when you get a separation agreement that he be required to keep you and the kids on his health insurance . This is extremely important as you will need to continue counselling to get thru this, not to mention that little eating disorder you're working on.

Tammy, while I'm glad things are coming to a head right now, I can only imagine how alone and frightened you must feel. I know what you mean about wanting your life back, and it's horrible to realize that won't happen. Please keep on posting, turn to your on-line friends, take some of the local 3fc'ers up on their offers of support and assistance. And lean on your friend Andria. People do genuinely want to help you.

I have this silly vision of Stupid Seth and Slutty Sara arriving at your door to torment you and being met by a vast army of well-upholstered, angry women. I know who'd win that fight. And next time you see him, know that our army is with you in spirit.

Just hold on a little longer. You have every right to be extremely angry, so keep using that anger to protect your rights and those of your kids.

:grouphug: :grouphug:

10-03-2005, 03:15 PM
Oh Tammy, I'm glad you're getting mad! It means you're making progress and you have every right to be spitting nails!! Good for you for kicking his sorry a$$ out! I simply cannot believe the nerve of him, bringing her there, it makes me sick! Good for you Tammy, show 'em what you're made of. We're all behind you 100%!


10-03-2005, 04:19 PM
If you fear for your life I would get out of that house and go somewhere he isn't going to find you. Maybe going to Maryland is still a good idea.

10-03-2005, 04:39 PM
You're a strong woman, Tammy. You can do this!


10-03-2005, 05:21 PM
Tammy, you didn't "push him too far"......you just stood up for yourself and your kids. He'll bluster, huff and puff and threaten to blow the house down. From what I've read, he's a BULLY.....(and probably doesn't have an original thought that isn't connected to his groin). He obviously hadn't covered all the angles or given the matter clear thought.
Duh, How dumb is he? "OK, here's a bright idea! I'll move my new girlfriend in with my wife and kids! Doesn't he think you would run to the nearest attorney and charge him with everything under the California Sun?
But is he stupid enough (big chorus of YES from the group) to risk courtmartial? or other military restriction for misconduct? That could go on his permanent record and wreck his career or chance of advancement? You've got the big guns behind you now. You are his LEGAL WIFE and mother of his child. He can't yank the rug out without everyone seeing what he's done, like his commander. He MUST pay interim support (I think it is called Pendente Lite--I had it during my separation). He must pay for both you and the child. The amount will be based on his salary. BUT, I don't know how the housing part works if it is included.

I hope the counselor will give you some insight as to your legal rights. Asking for a divorce is one thing, but this is above and beyond civility. His constant acts of emotional torture and abuse towards you and the children should be scrutinized and brought to the attention of his commander. It must be illegal in some way.

Is this new *Love* even allowed on base housing? Can he live off base? She has no legal claim, she's not married to him, you can file a restraining order against her also.

10-03-2005, 06:09 PM
Can he really face a court-martial for that?! Geez, men! Can't even get his head out of his pants long enough to consider the implications of his actions to his life's career, let alone the wife and children who obviously love him so. What a sad, pathetic man-child. Tammy, you have leverage, use it! Just as he would do to you without a second thought. You have the power here, make him sorry he ever opened this devastating can of worms.


10-03-2005, 06:11 PM
Tammy, check this out: Domestic Violence in the Military (http://usmilitary.about.com/od/divdomviolence/l/aadomviol1.htm)

This, too: Military Q&A (http://usmilitary.about.com/od/divorce/a/faqdivorce.htm)

10-03-2005, 06:54 PM
I have a temporary commanding restraining order til Oct. 31 so I have enough time to get a restraining order through the court. He is not allowed at the house at all. I get half of each of his two week checks. THat won't be crap since he has so many allotments out right now. I guess better than nothing.

He has to live out of the home til the divorce is final. His command thought what he did was awful. They thought he should have divorced me and then brought her here. The comman ordered him to put her back on a bus. He had told them she was going to be our nanny...What a joke!! And he told them the reason he took leave to get her was to go help his dad. What a liar he is. I guess I am lucky that I have such a great command here to help me. They did more than they had to.

Now the only issue left is the housing situation. I don't know if I am going to have to go or be able to stay. That will come in time. I have to let all this sink in.

So, great news, but it still tears my heart up.

10-03-2005, 07:56 PM
Fantastic, I'm glad to hear things are happening. Where do you live? Are you in housing? Are you on base?

As for him lying to his command....oooooooooh my. There's dumb, and then there's D-U-M-B. Lying to his command about going to get his mistress...WOW. I mean, that redefines dumb. I'm boggled.

10-04-2005, 12:35 AM
I am here for you. I was in the same situation as you are. My ex husband left me and the kids 3 years ago. It does get easier however there are going to be times that he pushes the buttons and not necessarily in a good way. I have just developed a backbone with him and it has felt wonderful. Take care and remember God is with you where ever you go.

10-04-2005, 01:47 AM
Tammy, I know this has been terribly hard for you but you've really accomplished a lot and I hope you are proud of yourself for sticking up for yourself and your kids. I'm proud of you! Don't let anyone tear you down.

10-04-2005, 09:13 AM
Hey there! I am so proud of you Tammy. I've been following your story and have thought of you a lot even though my posts have been few. Way to go :cp:

You are such a strong woman and devoted mom. You deserve a medal you've come so far in this journey. The "x" now has incredibly stupid added to his list of descriptors. What a fool. I am so glad you have turned the corner. Stay strong.

10-04-2005, 10:02 AM

I am so glad that you have found the strength to claim your rights - you are doing so well to have taken such strong steps to protect yourself and the children. As you can see, we are all here for you - as are the people you are reaching out to for help. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, girl, day by day, and slowly slowly things will get easier.....

10-04-2005, 12:08 PM
I can not tell you how much your words of support have helped me. They are one of the reason I decided I was not going to put up with anymore. I needed to know that I was not the blame for this and what he was doing was wrong. Cause somewhere in my head it was just not all computing and I was thinking with my heart and not my head. A deadly combination sometimes. Each and everyone of you has a special place in my heart and will til the day I die. Thank you so much.

10-04-2005, 06:28 PM
Wow, Tammy! You sound soooo much better today! I'm so glad to see you posting, it gives me hope that maybe you're turning a corner in this whole nightmare. You sound so much more confident in yourself, and generally more enthusiastic about life. It's because you stood up for yourself and your children, Tammy, you did it!! And I am so proud of you!


10-04-2005, 07:13 PM
I got some bad news today that legal is going to try to screw me so my victim's advocate is going to help me go to court for a tempory support order which will pay out more than he would have to through the military.

My son leaves tonight for his real dads. I am heartbroken.

10-04-2005, 07:35 PM

You just hang on in there, girl. It must hurt very much to have your son leave, but it also sounds like a strong, and brave decision at this point. I am really glad you have someone to advocate for you through the legal proceedings - that is really important.

It sounds like really good news too that you are finding a way not to blame yourself in all of this. I do think it kind of speaks for itself that everyone who has responded to you has been outraged and astounded by the way your husband is behaving - I mean we are a pretty diverse, mixed bunch of people, but, whatever our perspectives on life, we can all see that your husband has been totally unreasonable and out of order in his behaviour.

So just you stay strong, take one minute, one hour, one day at a time, and keep us posted on how you are doing.

10-04-2005, 10:09 PM

I have been following everything that is going on. I am in awe at how much strenght you are gaining al0ong the way. You can do what you need todo to get through this. I know you can.

10-04-2005, 11:08 PM
Well I just put my son on the plane. It feels like I've lost a limb. I am once again devestated. I feel so f'ing bad right now. I already miss him. God, I love him so much.

10-04-2005, 11:21 PM
Tammy, just keep telling yourself that your son will be safer with his dad. Once your situation clears up more, he'll be back with you. Meanwhile, you can concentrate on you and your girls. You will get through this. You will. I don't know if you've been able to eat, but try to get something nutritious into your stomach and get some sleep. In the morning you can call and talk to your boy. He'll probably be worried about how you're doing, but relieved to be away from the scary atmosphere.

This won't get easier for some time yet, but you're on the right road. Just try to hold out for a while longer. We're all here supporting you from afar.

:goodvibes: :grouphug:

10-05-2005, 12:35 AM
Your son's flight to his father's home reminds me of the thousands of children evacuated from London back in 1939. War was soon being declared and children were sent to safety.

Hearts of both parents and kids alike were, I'm certain, strained to the breaking point! It was a horribly sorrowful time for all involved, but the safety of these innocents was of the utmost importance.

Right now, your personal homeland is in a state of war. Though right now it hurts like **** and it seems like you're losing him forever, your future with your boy is so much brighter than anything those families faced during WWII. Your boy's going to be with his father, a man who loves him and, like you, is putting the child's needs first.

Don't lose heart, dear! This is but a season. You're in our prayers.

10-05-2005, 12:49 AM

You are handling this with so much courage. It may not feel that way but from afar I really see your strength.

10-05-2005, 05:16 PM
I'm so glad to hear you are standing up for yourself and taking some action. I agree that you are showing so much courage right now. Everything will start to straighten out soon.

10-05-2005, 06:30 PM
Tammy, hang in there....at least you have some sound legal advice and support.

and feel free to acknowledge the fact that his authority figures also know he is a big-time liar and a real dumbs*!@t too. The "nanny" story proved it along with the other entangled lie about the reason to request leave.

He attacked you personally, abused you mentally, caused you horrific stress/pain and then had the AUDACITY to ACCUSE YOU OF BEING AT FAULT! They were figments of his own making (to justify his own bad behavior pehaps?). Right now, many people think that he is a "terrible husband"...throwing his own words right back at him. can I say wattajerk?

you ARE going to be OK. during the next few weeks you will at least be able to come to terms with all that has happened and formulate a new plan & financial strategy for your family. You won't have him harrassing you constantly causing you extra grief and stress.

10-06-2005, 12:22 AM
I was able to get a temporary restraining order through the courts today. We go to court on the 30th to see if we can make it a little more permanent. It was rough having to re-live all that again. It had to be done though. I was there all day long. For some reason there is no police report from Sunday when I called the police.

I did learn that I can receive spousal support and child support before the divorce. I have to fill out that paper work and turn it in. He thinks military legal was harsh he has no idea what it is going to be like to deal with California courts. This so could have been avoided had he put his kids first. I am fighting for these kids now. They deserve the best.

I miss my son terribly. It makes me teary eyed right now. He did get there ok and seems to be having a good time so far. Sometimes it's just hard letting go. Really hard.

10-06-2005, 02:19 AM
You're making so much progress, Tammy. I know you're feeling so many emotions right now ~ anger, sadness, worry and so on, but you're getting what needs to be done in place and showing the strength that'll get you through this to the end. It all bodes well for your new life. Of course you miss your son, but he's in the best place 'til things get settled and he'll thank you in the future. You're a good mum and a good person!

10-06-2005, 01:28 PM
I agree with Jilly. You're moving forward in leaps and bounds. I can feel your strength coming through the words you're writing here. You're reclaiming your rights and starting to believe in yourself. :cp: Keep at it, Tammy.

10-06-2005, 03:43 PM
I have to third that, Tammy...
The progress you've made over the past couple of weeks is astonishing.
Keep it up...stay on this track and eventually you'll be OK.
You're doing the right thing! :grouphug:


10-06-2005, 06:25 PM
I got my own bank account today. It's the account that he will have to put half of his paycheck in. Made me feel pretty liberated. His chief came by today to serve him with the restraining order. I have 60 days left in housing. Just taking it day by day. My daughter thinks we are going to be homeless and counts down each day til we are homeless. I am trying to tell her we are not going to be homeless. Anyways both girls are going to be going to counseling. His chief is going out of his way to help me. Tells me alot about how they are thinking about Seth.

10-06-2005, 06:38 PM
Will his chief be able to help you locate new housing?

10-06-2005, 08:31 PM
Tammy, you're really taking back your power! I'm so proud of you--we're all proud of you. You're a wonderful mother. I feel for you having to let your son go, but as others have said, it's the best place for him until you get back on your feet. Everything will work out for you, Tammy.

10-07-2005, 01:35 PM
Congratulations Tammy!!! You are taking control of a bad situation. My money is on you that you will persevere and come out of this, gain a better life and feel empowered, not down-trodden.

So your resources will help you find something to bring in some extra cash (BTW, medical transcriptionists work from home and get paid by the line, you get dictations via email. Good if you have young kids and can't afford daycare, learning the lingo is a short process).

Good luck on finding housing and moving into a stress-free environment.

10-07-2005, 02:15 PM
Tammy - I may get to post every day, but I have been following your progress and I must say that I am so impressed by how far you have come!!! You go girl!! I am very proud of you.

I am wondering how you are holding up health wise. Are you eating?

10-07-2005, 05:46 PM
Bad news. I am only going to be getting a total of 300 dollars a month. That was a huge hit. I'll make it past this though also.

10-07-2005, 06:04 PM
Wow, that's shocking! But I guess there's only so much they can do. Better than nothing, right? Yes, you will make it past this Tammy. And can I just say how much I love seeing you start to believe in yourself as much as we all do?! You really are getting through this, one day at a time, I knew you could do it!!


10-07-2005, 06:16 PM
this is 50%? Make sure they investigate his payroll in full to be sure he's not hiding $$.

Tammy, you've lost 40 lbs. in 6 weeks? You need to preserve your health & stamina, you must be losing muscle....and you might be setting yourself up for some future GI problems or acid reflux (which also affect your dental). Try to take some clear liquids, broth, crackers, etc. and get yourself some physical strength.

10-07-2005, 07:55 PM
Ok, what happened is this. Our housing is now privatized. Before when the military still owned it you could stay until the divorce was final. This new housing if the service member does not live in the house then you are getting evicted. Plus, I have to pay half the rent. So, technically I am getting half of his pay check but it is going towards rent that I now have to pay because he is not living there. So, I basically get nothing.

But, there is an alternitive I can do this also through the court and if I get a better favoring from the court they military will uphold it. I have the paperwork to do that. I am doing everything I possibly can to get what is owed to me. It just burns my *** that he is going to take that other half of housing rent to shack up with his mistress!! I have no diapers right now. Very little food. It's looking pretty bleak. Yet, he's been putting him and her up in a hotel. All I can say is "what comes around goes around"

I know that losing 40 pounds in 6 weeks is not good at all. The minute food hits my tummy it comes right back up. I can do some broth slowly but that is not enough calories in the day at all cause I burn them off. This just has taken a tremendous toll on how I can eat. Even with anti-nausea drugs I can't keep food down. I know I've went from a 22 to a 16. I know it's just to fast. I just can't seem to get a grip on it.

10-07-2005, 11:01 PM
Tammy, is there a food bank that you can go to or can you apply for welfare? There has got to be some social agency that will help you even if it is to give you some diapers and some mac and cheese!

10-07-2005, 11:16 PM
Yep, a concerned citize made a report to CPS. So today she stopped by, the report was on Seth. She is going to help me with welfare (hard to say that word) Anyways she was glad to hear there was a restraining order against Seth. Monday she is coming back to give me the help I need to get help. I can get help with food and daycare. As for diapers I think one of the groups that helps out military folks will help with diapers. Although it is only one package that is good. I will take anything I can get right now. I sure blows that Seth's penis talking was more important than his own daughter having diapers. I guess his girl is not going anywhere so I am praying that on the 20th I can keep my restraining order. I don't know her and I don't want her around my daughter and furthermore Seth's temper does not give him any rights to see his daughter. I won't let him emotionally abuse her like he did me. He had already started to about a month back treating Kara in ways that were not acceptable.

I am have my moments of tears still but I am doing better. Having him out of the home gives me a bit of peace, but then again with his temper I always worry that he still might come and hurt us some how. I'm doing the best I can and will continue to do so.

10-08-2005, 05:40 PM
OK Tammy have you tried this angle......CALL HIS PARENTS!!!

Tell them the truth...and that their GRANDDAUGHTER DOESN'T HAVE FOOD & DIAPERS BECAUSE HE IS SPENDING the $$ on his bimbo (and tell them he went to get her and tried to bring her into the house as your Nanny)....They might not support you or they will send a care package, but I bet the farm, they will get in touch with him and make him miserable and this in turn will affect his love-life ...He's probably been telling them lies all along....or call other members of his family.

this is lower end tactic, but desperate times call for desperate measures!

10-08-2005, 08:49 PM
Hi Tammy,

I really like the last suggestion regarding calling his parents and family. I don't see it as a "low end tactic" at all. You are simply being honest about what is going on. You have nothing to be ashamed about and silence can often instill shame. I think it would be important that you have no expectations regarding what they might do. Worst case scenario, they may blame you!!! You know the truth and any reaction you get is about who they are not you, your worth, your children etc. They might also be incredibly supportive. All you are doing is giving them information about what is going on with the people they love.

Good luck with whatever you do. You are doing a terrific job of taking care of yourself and your children. Keep at it and stay with trying to eat and getting plenty of fluids. Have you tried drinking calories like ginger ale and soda? Better than none at all and ginger is reputed to be very soothing to the stomach. I hope you wil keep trying things to drink and eat until you find something that works.


10-08-2005, 11:34 PM
I think calling his parents is an excellent idea. At the least, they should be told that their son is not providing the basic needs for their grandchildren. Maybe they will step in and help where he has failed.

10-09-2005, 04:03 AM
I completely agree...unless they are just like him.


10-09-2005, 08:57 PM
gosh, tammy, what a skuzz bucket he is. I really believe that eventually, you get what you give, and this will come full circle. Not that it's much of a consolation, but it's the truth. you are SO much better than that. You and the kids will be just fine once this mess settles down. Use your own judgement about contacting his family. I hope to g*d this jerk won't have any rights to your children. He may be a father but he sure as **** is no dad. I am so angry for you.

10-09-2005, 11:54 PM
I did not have to call his parents, they called me this weekend. It was not pretty. He had not told his parents that he was in love with this girl. She was just a "friend" who needed some help. They believe him and not me. They can't believe their son could do something like that. And they think with this restraining order they are never going to see Kara again. I don't have any intentions of keeping Kara from her grandparents. It's Seth. He needs to do so much work before I would trust her with him. Anyways, that is what I told them. All I could do is tell what I know and the truth with his parents. His mom tried to make me feel guilty by saying Seth took us in when we got married and blah blah like I owe Seth something for that. I was like what the ****. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't.

Today has been really bad for me and I have cried most of the day. I am just so overwhelmed with emotions. Worrying where the **** money is going to come from and so forth. CPS did say they could help me with daycare so I could work. This makes me cry because I can't stand the fact of my daughter having to go to daycare. I know I have to do what I have to do. It's just not easy. It's just been a really rotten day.

10-10-2005, 12:04 AM
They're in denial now, but hopefully they'll see the truth. Sorry it's been so rough, Tammy. You're in my thoughts a lot and also in my prayers. You're strong and will do what you need to do; I pray the Lord will bring you encouragement and peace.

10-10-2005, 03:56 AM
You might not believe it now, Tammy, but it won't always be such a struggle. You're coming to terms with everything and seeking the help you and your kids need. You've shown remarkable strength even though you feel so very weak at times.

Seth has shown his true colours to you and his command ~ his parents will see it eventually (especially when he shows up to visit with his "friend"). Don't worry about what he thinks or says, what his parents think or say or, for that matter, what anyone else thinks and says, you just look after yourself and your children. The people who truly care about you know the truth.

10-10-2005, 01:52 PM
Tammy, his parents may never admit to you that their son is a worm....after all he's thier child.

But privately they may tear him a new one about his disgusting behavior and neglect of responsibility to his child. And time will bring everything to the surface...(oh what a tangled web we weave....). They can't be in so much denial that they believe everything sonny-boy tells them as gospel-truth.

You don't owe them any explanation about what steps you had to take to insure your survival and care for your kids. Maybe you just want to take a step back and let them digest this load of baloney, they may feel differently in 2-3 weeks after they see for themselves.

You've been through a terrible series of events that seems to multiply daily and your body is reacting to the stress. If you still have constant nausea, you might want to ask your doctor for a referral to a GI doc.

Oh and although it's a moot point, the reason I used the term *low-end tactic* was because some people prefer not to tell their parents/spouses parents anything about thier personal issues, they keep their marriage/relationships more private or they are not close to them.

10-12-2005, 07:54 PM
Checking in, Tammy :)

How are you doing? I tend to get worried when you don't post for a day or two.

I hope everything is still slowly getting better.

10-14-2005, 12:23 AM
Hey, Tammy - thinking of you, and you're in my prayers tonight.

10-14-2005, 12:30 AM
Tammy, are you okay? Please, at least a short post so we know nothing drastic has happened. A lot of people here really care about you.

10-14-2005, 01:58 PM
Has anyone heard from Tammy??? I hope she is alright. The last time i messaged her she said she was doing ok but that's all i got. I hope she is alright!

10-14-2005, 02:51 PM
Mousie, have you been in touch with her?

10-14-2005, 03:18 PM
She posted an updated on her blog.

10-14-2005, 03:38 PM
Where can I find her blog??

10-14-2005, 09:06 PM
Mousie, have you been in touch with her?
No, she PMed me for my number and I sent it to her, and never heard from her.

10-14-2005, 10:30 PM
Thanks, Mousie. I was wondering where her blog is, too.

10-15-2005, 01:49 AM
Ok, for the update. Seth and I are giving this a second shot. Our counselor Dawn thinks this is a good idea as long as Seth gets help. He started taking Zoloft today and has seen Dawn once. He swears he is willing to do anything to make this work. He sees a psychiatrist here in the near future. Never know when you might get your appointment when it involves the military. I know not all will agree with this, but I married this man for better or worse. Now, if this ever happens again it would be over.

Seth sent the girl back home. I guess they never slept together but for me he thought he loved her and that hurts more than if they had been intimate. Now he says he did not feel what he thought he felt for her. I guess how he trys to explain it is pity he felt for her. I'm not sure he will be able to explain what really happened until he gets further therapy and can figure it out in his head also.

Seth has mental issues that run very deep in his family as well as I did. I'm thinking it is a good thing he is working on this now while he is young as opposed to me taking so many years to get on the right meds. I guess I kind of look at it as he stood by me before I got on Lexapro and I can at least stand by him and see if counseling and meds will work. It's really hard to think that in your head that something could be wrong and he was in denial of that for so long. This certainly does not mean I will take any emotional abuse though. He knows this also.

He told his mother the whole truth. I still feel a bit bitter about that situation though. I guess maybe now she knows her son is not as perfect as she thought he was. That does not make me feel any better though.

There is just so much to work on. It is going to be one day at a time. Lots of therapy and for him lots of parenting classes. All of which he is willing to go to. I still have my guard up though, and I think I will for a good while.

I still can't keep food down though. I have an appointment next week to see the doc again. They were not alarmed when it was 20 pounds but are certainly alarmed now that it is over 40 pounds.

The kids are doing well. Hannah is happy. Seth is treating her like she should be and he is doing well with Kara also. I know this could be all temporary, but I have to give it a shot.

Grrrrr...I keep defending my reasoning. Just plain and simple. I think he can change and I think he can make a good husband and father.

There are still some hard times to come. I know that, and I am ready for that. Thank you all for being so concerned about me. I am just so exhausted it is not even funny. Some days I don't even have the energy to look at the computer. I know that not keeping food down is causing this exhaustion along with the emotional stuff. I'm afraid my doc might say I need a couple of days in the hospital with some fluids and I don't want that. I'm trying my best but my stomach does seem to want to cooperate.

I am ranting now. Here is my blog Tammy032.blogspot.com

It's graphic though. Just a warning. It is where I write when I am having my hardest times.

10-15-2005, 01:58 AM
Tammy, don't feel like you need to justify your decisions. Make them and stand by them.

My hubby, also, was fighting demons he didn't know he had on his back. And he, also, had an "emotional affair" with someone on the internet. He, also, has gone to counselling and accepted his role in the things that have happened in our marriage, and he's taking Zoloft now. If Seth is anything like my DH, once he gets used to the Zoloft you'll be able to tell when he misses one day--the change is that dramatic (if you know the person well). I am still married to DH, despite the **** we've been through, because I truly believe that the demons on his back were in control. Now that DH is in control, life is much, much, much better. We still have an issue or two to work on, but it's a night and day difference.

I truly, really understand what you're going through. These are things I have faced before, too. Please know that someone out here really sympathizes.

10-15-2005, 02:35 PM
You most certainly do not need to defend your decision, Tammy. My hat's off to you for being brave and doing what you feel is right for you and your family. It's good to read that Seth is admitting his issues and taking steps to deal with them, and that you're supporting him through this. I hope he appreciates what a lucky man he is to have you by his side.

I love that you've made it clear to him (and yourself) that you're not willing to accept any further emotional abuse. All of this has proven what a strong lady you are, and I hope you continue in this vein.

Just remember not to neglect your own emotional (and physical) well-being. If it takes a short stay in the hospital to get you stronger, so be it. You need to keep your strength up.

Here's wishing the very best to you, Tammy. :grouphug:

10-15-2005, 02:43 PM
Good to see you posting. I hope Seth's repentence is true and his changes are lasting. He sounds like a smooth talker when he wants something.

You don't need to defend your decisions -- you're a capable adult and it's your marriage. I just hope his turn-around is genuine and not just playing you; he's been good at that.

10-15-2005, 02:57 PM
Tammy, thanks for posting to let us know how it's going. You've made a decision that works for you, and you did it thoughtfully--no need to justify that to anyone. I'm glad to hear that you are not going to stand for any more emotional abuse from him. Good luck to both of you! I truly hope that you have a long and happy life together, and will learn to overcome any obstacles that life will certainly throw you.

Please keep us informed about the doctor visit, Tammy. I hope that the docs can get to the bottom of your eating problem.

10-15-2005, 03:10 PM
Tammy, I just went over and read your blog (the first page). I think it would be a really good idea for Seth to read that. He needs to know that his actions did that to you, and that you responded with those feelings. You can't shield him from those things. For him to take full responsibility, he needs to know and accept the whole of his actions.

Just a thought.

10-15-2005, 03:24 PM
My sister found out her husband had another woman.
Basically he has been selfish and mentally abusive their whole marriage.
I respect her decision to stay with him and work on the marriage. Just like I respect yours. I am new to these parts but since the conversation is here...

The age old ann lander/ dear abby??? question:

are you better off with him or without him?

only you know the answer!

10-15-2005, 04:26 PM
Good Luck Tammy. You don't need to defend your decision. Just be comfortable and confident in it. Counselling is a good step. Hope your tummy lets you keep down some healthy food soon. Keep us all posted. Stay strong :grouphug:

10-15-2005, 06:51 PM

I hope you find some peace and can regain your strength, both mentally and physically.

Only you know what is right.....but be WARY and keep your accounts in your name only....leopards DO NOT change their spots. He's broke and you have a place to live......I wouldn't buy into his line about not sleeping with her......

I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but the coincidence that your court date was this week and now what?

10-15-2005, 07:15 PM
Tammy, I think you must be a fantastically strong woman to be generous enough to take the position that you are taking. Like everyone else, I don't see that you need to justify your decisions, and the choice you are making. I too really really hope that you are getting some support to make sure that you do not have to take any emotional abuse. And lets hope that the medics can help you sort out the eating thing....

10-17-2005, 12:05 PM
Tammy you don't have to defend your actions. You are going through a lot still and trying to sort it all out. I think that you do need to be on guard with him because you aren't sure of his motives.

As for your blog, I wasn't sure if you wanted me to post the link since I had it from when you posted here before. :)

10-17-2005, 03:30 PM
Best wishes Tammy, I truly hope things work out. I won't say more, I think you have a good grip on what is going on and being on guard is a good idea. I will say though that my husband has been on anti-depressants because of his mood swings and then saw a physiciatrist who told him that he didn't need anti-depressants, that he need anger management... which actually he could probably use but he wouldn't go for the therapy. He went off the meds then started back up a month later because he didn't like the way his moods were. Also some of the anti-depressants can have sexual side-effects and your hubby may get upset if he is experiencing these and want to quit taking his meds. Just to let you know, this happened with the first anti-depressant my husband was taking.

I know why you feel like you have to defend your decision but don't. We stick by you no matter what you decide to do.

10-17-2005, 09:34 PM
Thanks for the update! Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. I wish you the best!

10-17-2005, 11:32 PM
Good luck Tammy. I'm glad that you confided in us. We care about you.

10-18-2005, 11:14 AM
Same here, Tammy ~

We support you and your judgment. I really, really hope everything works out for the best. :grouphug:

10-19-2005, 07:04 AM
He tried to commit suicide on the 17th. He took over 150 pills. Most of them being serequil. He took them in front of me and then tried to run off. He did it so quickly I could not stop him. He had planned it somewhat because he had the pills in his pocket. My neighbor got him and then it took two other men to hold him down til the ambulance came. He's still in the hospital. Yesterday he was out of it for most of the day and was much more coherent that night when I went up there.

There is not much else I can say. I am shocked, saddened, angry, etc. Not helping is he took my Ativan and I am withdrawing from it. It's a drug you have to taper off. My psych doc does not seem to want to give me anymore even after I told them they could call and talk to the nurse at the hospital and confirm what had happened. So, I'm winging it now. I don't know how but I am.

10-19-2005, 09:53 AM
Hi Tammy,

I am so sorry about what happened. I haven't been around much as i have been in severe pain with my leg and having major husband problems, which has depressed me so much i want to eat everything at McDonald's LOL. anyway i haven't cheated considering i have the strong urge to eat McDonald's.

Anyway I would think the doctor should give you a prescription, it isn't your fault he took your meds and now you have to suffer. I know withdrawals from medications are not fun. I was on Effexor once and that's just an antidepressant, well i had to go through withdrawals for two weeks (i chose to discontinue it on my own as i hated the fact that if i didn't have the co pays and missed a dose i would have dizziness, sweating, and nausea). It took a few weeks to get back on my feet.

Take care and I hope things settle down soon.