Hi I'm new and this is rather difficult. I am not use to asking people for help but here it goes. I had gastric bypass 4 yrs ago. My goal was to lose atleast 100lbs. I got close to my goal but as usual fell just short of the finish line. The support system I thought I had before surgery was not the support system I actually received. After being told by family and friends that it was ok to have the surgery as long as I didn't change. (Impossible) Anyone knows when you lose that much weight not only your hormones change but so does your desire to be more than you have ever been, to be the type of person you always wanted to be....active. I'm a emotioinal eater and 3 months after surgery my father passed away and 4 other family and friends passed within a year and a half of my surgery. I still lost almost 100 lbs despite this. My husband and myself started having trouble after 25 years. So much to deal with but when I tried to talk to my friends and family their answer was always the same. All my problems is because of my surgery and weight loss. So I gained 50lbs. Now I am even more miserible. All those problems are still there plus the weight. I am desperately trying to find the me I know that is in there and trying to start over on my weight loss but I need help and support. I was hoping somewhere out there someone understands what I'm going through. Sorry this is so long. This site is so big and I'm not really sure where I should post this.
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I can't say that I've ever been through something like it, but I just wanted you to know you have support here.
oh teresa. i wish i could hug you in person! you're in a tough position - and believe me, i understand. my entire family has fallen apart, in large part because of the changes i've had to make in order to deal with the surgery. on the one hand, they were 'pleased' that i was healthier [although one person said that she was jealous and angry that i had lost so much weight], but on the other hand, they weren't happy that the way i dealt wiht things changed - it HAD TO CHANGE because i could no longer swallow all the nonsense.
so, is it 'your problem' because you've had the surgery?? i vote NO [and i'm expecting other folks to disagree, but this is my opinion]. because of the surgery, we've ALL had to change our relationship with food, and therefore every other relationship changes as well.
many people - couples - families - undergo counseling after WLS.
sounds like you and your family ALL have some serious thinking to do. for you, the challenge will be how to manage your weight while holding onto - and MOLDING - the relationships you believe are valuable. for your family, one of the challenges might be actually learning about you for the very first time.
Well you did change and if they don't want to still be your support system then to the **** with them! If you can't find people around you to be there then you can find it here. I remember feeling so good and active when I lost a lot of the weight only to hear that I had become stuck up! That people pleaser part of me kicked in so I can understand how you feel.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with not only the issues with your family but with your husband also. I was single when I had mine done so I didn't go though that but from my understanding it's not uncommon for the other spouse to feel defensive when the other person drops the weight.
Now I can understanding what your going though with gaining weight back. I think I am more miserable now then I was at my heaviest. I can't give sound advice on what to do since I'm still trying to get my butt back on track but you seem to have a lot you need to deal with. Maybe start making a list of the things that you feel need to get worked on now.
You guys are so awesome. I really thought it was just me.
Old crackler you have lost soooo much weight. You must be so proud of yourself. This surgery is not easy nor is the aftershocks from it. You are still going, you give me hope thank you.
Wintercricket, its crazy isn't it? The cost of feeling good about yourself? It means alot to hear your story. I can see its not just me. You seem strong. Don't let them get you down. We can all do this together. Thank everyone for their thoughts don't stop... this is how we get through this... right? Really... thanks.
glad to help! people out there [wherever that is!] sometimes have the idea that food is nothing but fuel. and in its most basic analysis, that's really all it is. but there's a huge amount of emotional, tradition, social, personal issues associated with it, and there's the problem.
you're right. we CAN deal with this together, but the other people in our lives have to participate as well, assuming they value the relationship. and some of them just might not. it's a hard thing to face.
Hi there Teresa im rosey from alaska,your post made me so sad for you. you have been thru alot havent you. my advice is find a competent counselor to help you sort this out at least an unbiased person you can vent too.(not family or friends but someone new) all your problems are not from your wtg loss and to think that is so wrong. you are doing this for yourself not them.shame on them and congrats to you,keep making your self healthier and stick to your goal.familys can be so crazy but remember this is about you and for you, not them. i wish you luck and a big (((hug)) im lucky as i have the most supportive family wish that for you too rosey
Wow, you've been through a lot! It's so hard when the people you thought you could rely on change their tune over time. Have you tried seeing a counselor? It sounds like you could use someone to talk to, someone who is completely outside of your situation and can offer an unbiased perspective. Many find counseling very helpful when dealing with major weight changes, when dealing with emotional stress, when dealing with relationship changes...and you're juggling all of them! Don't feel like you have to face the world alone
This is a great place for venting but I think the what several people have said about counseling is great advice!! Jill is soooo right, having someone outside of the situation to talk to is vital! No drama, no telling part of the story for fear of hurting someone’s feelings, or fear of giving them fuel for gossip, and maybe a counselor will have some sound thoughts on how to deal with emotional eating, relationships, marriage, etc.
How could our relationships NOT change? We are shedding more than just a few lbs, it changes how we deal with life in general. Some of my family could adjust to my self esteem going through the roof and others wanted the same old, people pleasing kind of Angela they were comfortable with. I am closer to those that adjusted and moved away from those that couldn't. You have to do what is right for you and let everyone else take care of themselves.
I often quote a wonderful person in my life, "You have to take good care of the one person that is going to be there for you through everything, knows exactly where you've been and knows exactly where you're going, knows exactly what you need, knows exactly what you want...you! If you don't take care of you, who will?"
Come here often, help others get their hearts and minds back on tract and in doing so, you will get your heart and mind back on track, too!
We're here for you!
Angela
Last edited by missangelaks; 10-23-2011 at 11:29 PM.
Everyone is so sweet thank you soooo much. Everyone has their own cross to bear... this just happens to be mine.
akrosey49 thank you for the hug and what a cute dog. he looks precious. You have lost so much weight congratulations. Do you find you have so much energy?
jillybean.... Congrats on being pregnant. First one? Good luck sweetie. I hope everything goes great. Are you nervous? You also lost soooo much weight. Are you scared about putting weight back on? What a wonderful way to do it though. Children are really a gift from God. Have a great time.
missangelaks.... Thanks it sounds like you have been here before. I am going to still that quote if you don't mind. Its great. By the way I love your hair.
Thanks to everyone for your concern and kind words. It means alot!!!!!
I am sure the lady that told me that gem of a quote wouldn't mind it being passed around, I took it from her, she took it from some other person, and they from some other person. It was meant to inspire and to share.
Thanks about the hair! Its longer now but I love the tossled look!
Angela
Last edited by missangelaks; 10-24-2011 at 01:42 AM.
jillybean.... Congrats on being pregnant. First one? Good luck sweetie. I hope everything goes great. Are you nervous? You also lost soooo much weight. Are you scared about putting weight back on?
Yup, this is my first! Going fine so far - I actually lost about 12 pounds in my first trimester. I've gained a few of those back, but I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow and am still below my weight from when I found out I was pregnant, so not terribly worried about weight gain. I refuse to cave to my cravings just because I'm pregnant, so I continue to focus on eating protein first and avoiding carbs (I essentially avoid all grains about 95% of the time and avoid sugary foods and starchy veggies like potatoes and corn). I'm also avoiding artificial sweeteners and soy, so I'm eating quite "clean." If I gain too much eating this way, then there is something wrong besides being pregnant
this decision that we make to have surgery after every WL plan has failed, is not something to just wake up and "decide to to today". this decission will be with us and our families forever. Hopefuly, your family is suportive and they understand that you are trying to improve your health and wellbeing. What they and maybe you may realize but don't fully grasp in it's entirerty is the fact that for the person who has had surgery their eating will be drasticly different, than that of their partner/family.
This may pose problems in terms of the food bought for the home, the cooking of meals(two meals may have to be cooked or everyone eats the same respectively). Durring the pre surg. phase of any wls surgery a speciffic diet must be followed by the person having surgery. It may be hard for the person to eat around others while they are eating or they may be the sole cookers in the house and they may not want to cook if they can't eat. The family has to respect the patients decision to have wls. this is by no far an easy decision to make. The patient will eventually be able to eat again in a normal way just like everyone else in terms of what the food is(not having to process it in the food chopper). The portions will be very small in comparison to what they use to eat due to the fact that their new pouch is the size of an egg(go to your fridge and take out an egg, that's not alot of room). but this wls will hopefuly give your loved one a chance to loose the excess weight that is causing them health difficulties and possibly a shortened life.
Talk with your familymember/friend(s) and if they are agreeable include them in your journey to a healtheir you. the patient might be encouraged to discover the "why" behind their eating habbits and that can be eye opening for everyone. Stick by and support your family member/friend who is considring wls surgery. they are doing it to give themselves more time with the ones they love.
If your friends say that all of your problems are because of your WEIGHT LOSS - they're not rational. Either A) they're dumping on your method of weight loss, and you should ignore that. You made the best decision for YOU! Don't ever let anyone convince you that trying to make yourself healthy is a bad thing.
Also, so many relationships change after surgery- because the surgery means RADICAL change! You have to stop doing a lot of the things you were comfortable with, and start doing things like eating healthy and exercising! That is one thing I had to make sure my husband understood, before we even started the journey. This will mean BOTH of our lives will have to radically change. He too will HAVE to start eating healthier as well, and a lot of our sedentary together time will have to change.
You can't make a true change unless things change! It sounds like its obvious, but a lot of people don't get that. Your weight is what it is because of a lot of factors in your life - so when your weight changes, a lot of other things will change as well. Weight is not an isolated symptom.
Desperately seeking me
I can't say that I've ever been through something like it, but I just wanted you to know you have support here.
