Ugh...I get so annoyed when people give men excuses simply because they are men. I think he knew that he was being offensive; however, he may have been trying a tough love approach. If he was sincer in his curiosity, he wouldn't have asked it loudly and just as your were leaving. My mother tried this approach with me after I gained weight. She called me a fat pig and made comments about my body and I even got comments from acquaintances when I went up to 160. Before my weight gain, people commented on how skinny I was, the way that I talked, the way that I carried myself, etc... If it's not one thing it's another.
It's amazing how many grown adults can be so hurtful. I got teased ALL THE TIME in school, very badly. But you don't think it's going to continue on with adults - and it shouldn't. I've had "friends" and even relatives make comments over the years and it hurts more than they will ever know. But I just don't think they will ever truly understand that what they say is hurtful. I think the trick is to try and forget what they've said as soon as you can, and keep moving forward. DON'T QUIT because of how they make you feel. You keep going until you reach your goal and then no one can ever say anything to you again.
I also think people should be forbidden from saying, "You look so tired!" Isn't this just another way of people saying, "You look lousy" but they try to come across as just being concerned?!
In some cultures it's considered a compliment to be called fat. Definately not ours and the original poster didn't say this guy was from another country so I'm assuming he's a home grown jerk who doesn't pay attention. (Oops , I'm letting a little of my personal feelings out....better stop)
My dh had a friend from his home county that would visit us occasionally, each time he came he would say, "My you're looking very fat." After the third time, I asked him if he was planning on staying in the US. He said yes,
"well, let me tell you something. Do not say to anyone they look fat. I don't care if they are as big as a house and have put on a 100 pounds since the last time you've seen them." He was very apologetic and went on and on about how in his country it was a compliment because it meant you were prosperous to have more then enough food. Later he asked me what he should say to a hostess when he visited... I gave him a list of polite things to say, we actually went over several common questions/statements from his country that I had to flinch when I heard.
I'm glad you told him that Sarah...can you imagine what a social disaster he would be if he were to say to the hostess: You are looking fat this evening!
Hmmm. I don't think so. I just said this to somebody and it was because she was yawning and looked really tired. I was concerned about her because she's going through a tough time. Sometimes people are just concerned because you really look tired. :-)
Karma
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Originally Posted by annk
I also think people should be forbidden from saying, "You look so tired!" Isn't this just another way of people saying, "You look lousy" but they try to come across as just being concerned?!
Hey Julia, were you featured on I Lost It? You're a motivatational speaker now, right?
Karma
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Originally Posted by JuliaHavey
Here's another take on the same type of situation; 10 years ago, I weighed 290 pounds. I was unhappy just about every minute and eating was one of the only things that made me happy (or so I thought!) anyway, I had a fight with my then husband, I drove away from the house upset and pulled into the Amoco station to buy a Mounds bar. I parked the car, got out, stood up and gave the "tug" to my sweatshirt, pulling it down over my thighs and covering my rear end (thus no one could see that I was overweight, right?!--you know the tug, too?!) and proceeded to the slidding window drawer to get and pay for my candy bar.
On the way there, a homeless drunk sitting on the side of the building started YELLING "Damn girl, you got too much food in you!"
I am serious that he was YELLING it, and not one time, but about THREE!
EVERYONE who was pumping gas or standing within earshot started cracking up, laughing loudly AT me, not "with" me, as I wasn't laughing. I grabbed my candy bar, hurried to the car and flipped the man off as I drove away.
I hated him.
I tore open my candy bar and took a bite, but for the first time in as long as I could remember, comfort didn't come. (I hated the man even more then!). I threw it out the window, stopped the car and started crying.
Then, I thought about WHAT he said. HE did not call me FAT, he did not ask if I had gained weight, he didn't call me stupid or lazy or anything my husband just had. He made an observation.
This guy has to make a lot of observations just to survive--is it going to rain? better seek shelther. Bad guy approaching? better run. Etc.
He looked at me and summed up what he saw. I had too much food in me.
That day and that man changed my life forever.
I took a long hard look at my life. I did NOT decide to go on yet another diet, but I did vow to change and figured out exactly which food I had "too much of" in me, and hands down, it was ice cream. I ate atleast 1/2 a gallon a night and often bounced checks to baskin/robbins to get my espresso and creme "LIGHT" ice cream. I had been convinced it was "diet" food and wouldn't hurt me--but that night I swore to never eat that food again.
Apparently it did. 15 months later, and NOT one bite of ice cream--I was down 130 pounds! Sure, there were other changes that I made along the way, and to this day, 10 years later, am still making positive changes, but I am NOT dieting and I am maintaining my weight loss--so something is working!
I challenge you to change your thinking Brownsugar from "people are mean" to maybe, just maybe this incredibily tactless person actually cares about you and is concerned that your health is in jeopardy and just didn't know how to saw something more encouraging or tactful, but instead of being mad at him, ask yourself, have you put on weight? and if so, are YOU ok with it? And if NOT, what food do you have too much of in you? and then, work on busting that food from your life.
I promise you won't miss it--or the weight that leaves right along with it!
sorry for the long post, but this subject really hits a nerve with me. Hope my perspective helps.
I challenge you to change your thinking Brownsugar from "people are mean" to maybe, just maybe this incredibily tactless person actually cares about you and is concerned that your health is in jeopardy and just didn't know how to saw something more encouraging or tactful, but instead of being mad at him, ask yourself, have you put on weight? and if so, are YOU ok with it? And if NOT, what food do you have too much of in you? and then, work on busting that food from your life.Julia
This resonates a lot with me. Only one person commented in the 5 years I was piling on excess weight. At the time I was crushed, but now I wonder if I would have come to my senses sooner if other people *had* let me know they noticed my gain. Probably not, but it makes me wonder nontheless.
What really sucks is to get that kind of comment when you're already working on your weight. I tend to agree witht he posters who said that your friend probably wasn't trying to be unkind. As hard as it is to comprehend, a lot of guys just don't think before making observational comments like that. He probably forgot about it as soon as he said it too, clueless to the effect it would have.
Sometimes people are just pointing out things because they care
and other times because they are jerks and meaning to be hurtful, my husband family trying to give me advice on weight loss was annoying but well meant but I remember people who were not trying to be so helpfull....
I could name more than a dozen through out my entire life... I remember when i went into a liquor store when i was 21 and there were a couple of collge age guys there...they saw me and my fiend walk in, she was also big and they started asking loudly for fat ******* beer, several times, we knew what it was about but you bet if i hadnt been afraid of going to jail for the first time i would have popped them in their mouths....
It's the same thing with anything else, they could have been talking about my clothes my hair my car my walk ANYTHING....they were making fun of ME and weight is just another thing that made me....me, and it bugs the **** out of me...hence the anger...lol
People can be insensitive sometimes. Since he is your friend, maybe he just didn't realize that he was being insensitive. Have you tried talking to him and letting him know how you feel? He could be clueless about his lack of consideration for your feelings.
I work with a guy that is a complete putz when it comes to people and their weight. He is mean and cruel and thinks it is funny to make remarks at them. One of the ladies that works with us on occasion has been named "TFO" by him... The Fat One. He makes rude gestures behind the backs of some of the heavier people and is just dowright mean. I don't get it...
I just recently moved back to SC from Florida, where I just let myself go, to say the least. And every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while, they make a comment about my weight. And I try to laugh it off, but it makes me so frusterated. I'm thinking, "Oh reallly? Well I didn' t notice my own size!! Thank you so much for informing me! I'll get right on that!!" They should think to themselves, if I notice that she's gaining weight, surelyl she does and she can't be too happy about it. But, people don't think. So as my husband told me (who is also insensitive at times, unintentionally) just use it as motivation!
I know how you feel, i was working one day and this little girl in the store says to me " you look like my teacher, except, she's thin" and their were so many people around i felt humiliated. Then another time, and i've never told anyone this because i felt so bad about myself, i was only like 12-13 and i was at this religous convention and i was waiting in a line to go to the bathroom and this women asked me if i wanted to go to the bathroom ahead of her, and i said um no thanks and she said o well it's just because i remember when i was pregnant i had to go to the bathroom a lot! I was like o my word, I didn't even reply to her i was so embarassed I felt so terrible, and i was only like 12, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Ok, I believe in giving what you get. Sorry, but you needed to put this jackass in his place. I would have said something like, "Sure, why is it a problem with you?" By the way, but have you been losing your hair?" "You look a little bald to me." Would have probably shut the jerk right up.
Last year I was sitting and waiting for my husband to get our luggage from the carousel at the airport. Now, understand I am an obese woman. I was sitting behind this guy who was talking to a couple people he was with and he says to one of them, "Boy, does that girl have a big ***." (this was a girl standing at the carousel watching for her luggage) I said, loudly, "Not as big as yours and her mouth isn't as big either." His friends cracked up and he turned around and looked at me and I said to him, "You are really an *******, do you know that? Who died and made you God, anyway?" "I hope neither of these ladies you are with are your mama cause she should have beat a little respect into you!" I got up and walked over to my husband and stood with him and when we left he was glaring at me. I smiled and said something like, "Have a lovely evening." I never let people make remarks about me ever. I get up in their faces. You know what reward I get for that? Rarely do I find people standing with their hands around their mouths talking about me and like I said, I am a very big woman. I go to the pool and swim, I walk in the mall and I look folks in the eye and smile and say hi, etc. If you can't be happy with yourself, no one else is going to be with you either.
Just my two cents worth here, but next time something like this happens, stand up for yourself and be proud of the overweight you! There is nothing wrong with you and everyone is beautiful even us fatties!
You said he said those comments loudly??? I'm sorry to say this but if he did, then he's not your friend. It sounds as if he meant to say it, and say it "loudly" makes it sound as though he intentionally meant to hurt your feelings, and draw attention to the fact. In my opinion, maybe he did notice your weight loss, and instead of complimenting you, he decided to try and go the other way.....But you go girl....
, I'm letting a little of my personal feelings out....better stop) 
