Yes, I know that I listing his flaws isn't what I would normally do to a friend, but when it comes down to it, he hurt me so badly. Right now the only thing that keeps me from being sad is by looking at the things that weren't so nice that happened in our relationship. It doesn't make me mad at him though. Its more of a lesson for myself. Its more so that I understand what I should not necessarily put up with in a future relationship and yes, my fear of being alone is probably what kept me in the relationship even after he did some of the not so nice things to me. That is why I am in this situation now. He obviously also has this same fear since he held onto me when he obviously wasn't at all happy until what made him happy came along. I think that I am okay being alone. I am quite an introvert and actually enjoy being alone. I guess I just didn't want to not have him. I don't know. This has all been the largest learning process/learning curve I've ever had to deal with. I am now reinventing myself, I guess and starting a new life. Thank you to everybody who has given me advice or words of encouragement. I am not okay now, but I know that eventually I will be.
Kiwi, these same things have helped me as well. Even though my breakup was very different than yours, thinking about the things that made me unhappy over the years has helped me be ready for a different future. I am so glad you are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's only just a little right now. Just knowing your future can be happy and positive at some point is a big step.
I am also an introvert and enjoy my alone time, but I think when you stay with someone as long as we did, you want to hold on even when it is no longer the right fit. We will be much happier one day!
Find a counselor you like. He did have a fear of being alone. But like a brother and sister who grow up in the same household, he moved to another house. I'm curious if he's moved in with this person or did he find a place?
If he moved in with her, it would seem he's looking for another mother.
Last edited by Hucklebeary; 11-17-2015 at 01:33 PM.
He is moving in with the new person bc I know that he hasn't found a job yet in Florida and he started the voyage today. For the last 4 mos he has been living off of unemployment(and me). I don't know what he is looking for but I know that I definitely mothered him, which is my mistake, but its hard not to when you love somebody so much. I enabled him and that is my mistake. I will learn from this experience. It is the most painful lesson and most painful "blessing" I guess. I am a good person so I can't believe that this is anything but a blessing. I am just having a really hard time seeing that right now though. I will someday hopefully. I did notice that I must be improving because when people ask me how Im doing, instead of saying "horrible" or just shrugging my shoulders, when they ask if I am okay, I say, "I will be." I don't know when, but it has to be sometime in the future.
You have been saved from taking care of him for the rest of his life. This new person now has that responsibility. Her patience may wear thin after a season. If it does, he'll try to bounce right back into your house.
Well its funny bc one of the last things he said to me is "hopefully one day we can be friends." Um I don't think that is possible. I will eventually forgive him in my heart for my own health and wellness but the way he did what he did???? ...With friends like that, who needs enemies? If he respected me enough and the 10 years that he had together and was truthful instead of deceptive and underhanded, then yes maybe in the future when i healed we could be friends. He handled things all wrong and while I'm still feeling very hurt, I could never trust him...even with my friendship. This morning was really rough knowing that he's on a hwy to his new life with his new girl, but I forced myself to my dance studio that I normally frequent on Tuesday nights. I was quickly able to take inventory of the amount if support that I have with my dance family. My hip hop routine today was so complex that it really took all of my effort and brain power to pick up up the choreography, easing me from what has constantly been on my mind. The contemporary jazz class afterwards; however, was incredibly emotional and just in the first few counts of 8, I knew the story of this dance.... a lover fighting to keep their love with them despite not being able to grab onto them bc they don't want to be grabbed. The moment my teacher put on the music and had us do a few counts of 8 with it for timing, I broke down. With tears rolling down my face, I danced more freely and beautifully than I've danced in such a long time. I know he did this all today on purpose bc he knew it would be my first night back. After class a huge hug from him my other dance sisters and brothers reminded me of all the love and support I have. I am rich with love and friendship and I need to remember that when I start to get sad. I know none of you on this site but please know how grateful I am for all of you as well. Complete strangers have given me such comfort in a time that seemed so hopeless. I hope that in everybody's struggles on this site, I can give somebody the support that they've given be too.
He's keeping all of his options still open in case it flops at the other house. He wants to make sure he has a place to come back to.
Will you let him move back in. He'll cry and bawl and plead for forgiveness.Your resolve may be weakened. He wants friendship for the back burner, keeping all of his options open.
It is my hope for you to break these cycles and not let any men move back in with you to take advantage of your good nature and finances.
Last edited by Hucklebeary; 11-18-2015 at 12:45 PM.
As much as I wanted him to in the first 2 wks of this whole awful ordeal, there is no way that I can let that happen after the type of deception and betrayal and underhandedness that caused this whole thing. He may say that he still loves me or that he did love me or that he cares about me, but you don't do what he did to somebody that you care about. He treated me like one might treat some random chick...not the way you treat somebody that you've lived with and laughed with and cried on their shoulder for 10 years. This is also the really upsetting thing. I feel like Im improving, but at the same time right now, I have that awful pit in my tummy...that anxious feeling....that feeling that I am worthless and disposable bc that is what he did. I know its not rational bc I know that I am worth something, but I still can't help that feeling. How do I get over those feelings that are emotions and I know aren't real, but they feel real? I don't know how to get over that horrible rejection.
Well, for me, the weight loss has been what stopped those feelings. I mean, there is a huge difference in the mirror at this point, and that makes me smile every time I pass one, and has really boosted my self esteem back to where it was before the relationship/breakup. I think anything you can do to make yourself feel better in the moment will help. So it could be continuing your weight loss, eating well, exercise (the endorphins help!), new clothing, new makeup, a massage, a manicure, some new music, anything. Whatever makes you feel good, do it!
It's just gonna take time, so fill that time with anything that makes you feel better feelings.
I know that you are correct but its a hard battle bc what makes me feel good or better right now is not what I should be doing. What truly makes me feel better right now is sleeping which is I guess my minds way of denial or something. Its not a good coping mechanism at this point. If anything its destructive. Like I was going to go to an exercise class tonight but this anxiety in my gut is so annoying and it just won't go away. I haven't found anything else that makes me feel good yet. Even when I went to dance classes last night, I was miserable being there, but I know I needed to be there. I needed my dance family. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Im still trying to figure it all out. I really hope that my counselor has some insight this weekend
You know what, I don't think there is anything wrong with getting extra sleep during this time. You are still working long hours and getting stuff done, so who cares if you sleep some of those extra hours away as long as it's not interfering with your life. When you're asleep, you aren't worried and you aren't full of anxiety and heartache. I say go for it. I do think the dance classes will help. You say you were miserable but from reading your post about it previously, I also think it did you some good emotionally. I hope the counseling helps, if you don't vibe with the counselor, try another if you can.
A few pages back, Ian gave a good recipe for depression, anxiety, grief. Get outside and move. You don't have to think. You can rethink everything later when you're stronger to look at it.
Sleeping it off can move into depression. When someone is down for the count, we help them and tell them to keep moving. Movement of any kind is the best medicine to prevent depression from overtaking you. Dance and walk and dance and walk. Keep moving. Reread Ian's advice. He speaks wisdom.
Movement of any kind overcomes many things. We tell a prize fighter to get back up on their feet. Keep moving. Keep dancing.
"Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee." Boxing lessons or martial arts might be a great new activity for you.
Last edited by Hucklebeary; 11-19-2015 at 10:16 AM.
Good. If I can help you lop some time off of the misery timeline, it's worth it. I don't think it will be long before he'll back. I've witnessed all of these cycles before. I've been on the receiving end.
One day, you'll come home from work and there he'll be. Your resolve may go right out the window, but I hope not. Keep dancing.
Does it make you excited at the thought he'll be back, crawling on his hands and knees. Even a little bit. It can be validating and yet, upsetting all over again.
I see it happening.
Last edited by Hucklebeary; 11-19-2015 at 04:38 PM.
