Hi Wicky and CrazyCatWoman: thank you so much for your support. As I said earlier, this really helps me because I wonder if I am being too sensitive. My husband tells me to just ignore it. That is impossible for me.
I don't understand how some people feel the need to verbally attack someone or don't care about making other people uncomfortable. You are right, CrazyCatWoman, if someone insults me publicly, coming back at them publicly is the best way to get them to stop. A lot of bullies are really cowards and back down fast.
I too am not sentimental and I have no problem cutting people who do this out of my life.
Last edited by doingmybest; 07-27-2013 at 04:40 AM.
Ugghhh I have dealt with my fair share of these kind of rude remarks, the latest one was while I was in Target and I ran off like a little girl without standing my ground! But usually for me it comes from family.
I hate when it comes from family because they think they're older (asian families too!!!) so I can't disrespect them yada yada but honestly grow up and be a little sensitive, just because you're a size 2 and eat crap doesn't make you more sensible about my weight issues. People make me so angry! lol Sorry for my little rant there, but I feel you! and sorry you have to hear this from your husband's friend.
I think what you're doing is great, because no one should have to hear those things!!
Years ago in another forum someone suggested a response to use for rude customers. I've never had the chance to use it but it has always stuck in the back of my mind. Simply calmly reply "You have an unfortunate way of expressing yourself."
That being said, if I had a "friend" who treated me like that, I would not associate with them any longer.
I like how you handled it. Very diplomatic. I probably would have said right there in front of everybody, "You know, I can always lose weight, but I highly doubt that you could ever stop being an insecure, obnoxious loudmouth who has to be the center of attention, so I'm going to let your ignorant, insensitive comments slide because I know you just can't help looking like an idiot." And if he no longer wanted to be friends with my husband because of it, that would be just fine with me.
Wow, that guy seems very immature and socially inept. If no one was responding to his rude behavior with laughter, he should have known to shut up.
You are NOT overly sensitive either. I hate when people use that phrase. Remember that you are working towards a goal to be a healthier person and stay focused on that. Don't let any negativity deter you from your personal goals, no matter what some idiot says.
I don't really have any great advice for how to respond in the moment, but I think the suggestions have been great. Just keep your chin up. I do think you did the right thing by confronting him about it personally, though.
This guy was being intentionally rude, but I also struggle with the unintentional things that people do or say. My mother is famous for saying things like "We do need to eat (insert whatever food)". She covers it by saying "we" but I know that she simply means me, considering that she is a healthy weight. My dad always sends me information about new diets, books, or programs that help improve weight loss. Though I know they mean well because they want me to be healthy, it can hurt sometimes. I struggle with that because it isn't blatantly being mean, but it isn't necessary.
I wondered why your husband hasn't spoken up either. Gosh, even my ex-husband would blow up and want to knock-out someone acting that way toward me. You have your husband's friend and mother doing this to you. I find your husband just as bad. I am so very, very sorry you have to deal with this. I have never had bullying done directed toward me but have seen plenty directed to others. It angers me so much to hear it from bratty children, adults even more so. I could have not sat through that dinner without jumping out of my seat and giving your husband's friend and his wife a piece of my mind. And I am, for the most part, a very quiet, shy person. You deserve to be treated with respect by everyone. Your husband should stand up and act like a man. He needs to confront his mom, his friend, and friend's wife.
Hi NoCheesePlease: Thank you for your response, and especially for telling me that I am not being too sensitive. I hate that expression. I think that using that phrase is just a way to make me the one with the problem instead of the person who really showed bad behavior. It is also a way to avoid confronting someone who deserves it. I really do try to develop a thicker skin in life so that I am not thrown by people like that. Normally what I would do to cope is to sit alone in a room and eat ice cream. Now I have 3FCs to help me through things like this. I really appreciate having a place to get support.
I also really like your observation about the unintentional things people say that can be really irritating. We all know what to do and we all have common sense so these little comments are annoying and unnecessary. What I started to do is to take a subject that is sensitive to that person and start throwing comments back. For example, I had a friend who is alcoholic who told me that I would feel better about myself if I lost weight. I told him that he would feel better about himself if he quit drinking. He never brought up my weight again. I hated saying that because it's not my style - but it worked.
Hi Aspen13: You are so right! To tell you the truth, I am more hurt by my husband than by his stupid friend. This has been a problem with us from day 1. His mother has treated me terribly over the years and he never, ever defended me. I almost ended the marriage over it. What I did instead was to move far away from her and I stopped having contact with her. When I decided to move, I told my husband he can either stay with mommy or move with me. He chose to move with me, but he still will never defend me. As long as I don't have any contact with her, I am much happier and there aren't any more bad episodes that my husband and I have to fight over. He will never man up and that changed our relationship forever. Thank you for your honesty.
Hi NoCheesePlease: Thank you for your response, and especially for telling me that I am not being too sensitive. I hate that expression. I think that using that phrase is just a way to make me the one with the problem instead of the person who really showed bad behavior. It is also a way to avoid confronting someone who deserves it. I really do try to develop a thicker skin in life so that I am not thrown by people like that. Normally what I would do to cope is to sit alone in a room and eat ice cream. Now I have 3FCs to help me through things like this. I really appreciate having a place to get support.
I also really like your observation about the unintentional things people say that can be really irritating. We all know what to do and we all have common sense so these little comments are annoying and unnecessary. What I started to do is to take a subject that is sensitive to that person and start throwing comments back. For example, I had a friend who is alcoholic who told me that I would feel better about myself if I lost weight. I told him that he would feel better about himself if he quit drinking. He never brought up my weight again. I hated saying that because it's not my style - but it worked.
Hi Aspen13: You are so right! To tell you the truth, I am more hurt by my husband than by his stupid friend. This has been a problem with us from day 1. His mother has treated me terribly over the years and he never, ever defended me. I almost ended the marriage over it. What I did instead was to move far away from her and I stopped having contact with her. When I decided to move, I told my husband he can either stay with mommy or move with me. He chose to move with me, but he still will never defend me. As long as I don't have any contact with her, I am much happier and there aren't any more bad episodes that my husband and I have to fight over. He will never man up and that changed our relationship forever. Thank you for your honesty.
You are absolutely NOT being "too sensitive". I would never hang out with that loser ever again nor go anywhere that he is going to be. If anyone asks why, you don't even have to explain yourself or why or past incidents. You just "yeah, that would be a big NOPE" and that's it. Case closed.
hmm. a lot of great advice from many very wise people. It's appalling that this male [can't quite bring myself to call him a MAN, as that would suggest some degree of maturity] thought this was appropriate dinner conversation, and even worse that your husband didn't support you.
I would not have been so patient, I'm afraid. I've hit THAT AGE where I simply don't tolerate this nonsense. A well-placed comment [any of the ones above, and i'd also offer 'this is not an appropriate topic.'] and if [when] he didn't stop, I'd stand up, get my things together, and tell my husband that we were leaving. and thank my girlfriend, with a comment that the two of us would get together later in the week.
also, since he was rude in public, and apologized in PRIVATE, he needs to rectify that. A public apology is in order. And if it's too hard to get together again soon - your choice entirely - he needs to write apology letters to EVERYONE who was there and who heard it.
All excellent points, JiffyPop and BreathingSpace! I hadn't thought about him giving me a more public apology; I think that is a great idea. I will definitely not be spending time with him but I will continue to see my other friends. If I am at a social event with him again, I will be much more prepared to confront him.
I was expecting someone on this thread to tell me that it's no big deal, not to let it get to me, but everyone has really confirmed what I have been feeling. I deserve to attend a social event and not be insulted. I am not ever going to tolerate it and I won't allow it to happen to anyone else. I am glad that I said something to him, and I am working on also letting it go and moving on so that he can't waste any more of my time and energy.
All of your comments have really touched me. I sincerely appreciate everyone's input.
I don't tolerate nonsense like that at all. I can see myself telling him to 'eff off for being a rude @$$hole, gathering my things and leaving. If hubby didn't leave with me, then 'eff him too. But then, my husband doesn't put up with crap like that either. He probably would have punched the guy in the snoot and then left.
I'm just not at all diplomatic when it comes to people behaving like jerks. As a result, no one in my life speaks to me like that. No. One.
Doingmybest - I read this thread and SOOO felt for you. What an idiot who made everything so terribly horribly awkward. Who in their right mind says that kind of ****???? Honestly I think the best way to handle that is to pass as much embarrassment off onto the offender. Really he's the one who should be humiliated for putting that on you, and if I was an outsider looking in on that situation I would definitely have not hesitated to make him feel like **** for what he did.
I'll preface this by saying that I am a sensitive girl. I cannot tolerate ANY comments about my weight or I unravel. It's not something I like to talk about with my husband or closest friends. I don't necessarily think I'm in denial over anything - it's just in no way is talking about your excess body fat fun or entertaining conversation, it's never got something nice behind it. It's a sore, sensitive subject for most people. I've never been embarrassed like you have, but I've had moments at work when another bigger lady lumps me in with her, talking to people near me and saying "well us big girls like Courtney and I can't pull off stuff like that" or pulls me into convos talking about how work uniform sizes need to run bigger for girls built like "us" in front of LOTS of people at a meeting.... in those situations I've just kind of kept my head down, shrugged it off with a very flat grin. I've also had a random stranger approach me about a new diet she was doing and how she thought she would never lose the weight before she tried it and how I shouldn't give up hope on myself. SOME people I swear. What's important is to be the bigger person and maintain composure - if someone wants to make an @$$ out of themselves you can't stop them.
I can't begin to tell you all how much all of your comments mean to me.
I have been overweight my entire life. As a kid, I was fat and horribly bullied in school. I would go home crying, and my mother would say "the kids are right - you are fat!" When I would cry to my father, he would just tell me to toughen up. My mother put me on a liquid diet and diet pills starting at 9 years old, but it never helped. At age 11, I attempted suicide by taking a handful of pills but nothing happened and no one even noticed. Doctors told me that because of my body type, I can never be thin or even a normal weight.
As a teen, my parents told me that no boy would want me because of my weight. As a senior in high school, I was in a play and the teacher who directed the play said to me in front of the entire cast during rehearsal "look at how big and fat she is!". Everyone was shocked and couldn't say anything. I think that along the way, I started to believe that I deserved to be treated that way.
My entire family is obese, except for my mother, who never understood how she could have fat children. Years later, my brother died of morbid obesity at age 48.
Unfortunately, I have people in my life who love to make rude comments to me , like my MIL. When I do lose weight, she looks worried and shoves food at me.
So, it has been a long hard road for me dealing with weight and often I just gave up. Now I am back on WW and 3FCs. I am going to keep on trying. I love all of you for being so supportive!
Last edited by doingmybest; 07-28-2013 at 12:03 AM.
