New here! How do you handle cluelessly nasty people?
I've been visiting this forum pretty regularly for a few months but have never posted before (couldn't get up my nerve!). Finally I'm ready to post and I'm glad to be here.
I'm wondering how you have handled people who are nasty without meaning to be?
Twice in the last few years I was asked when I was "due". I AM NOT PREGNANT. This is in front of othe people, it was so humiliating! One other time a very skinny woman (skinny but flabby ) put her hand on my arm as I was walking through the grocery store and said, "You could be so beautiful if you would just control your eating". The nerve! Again, in front of other strangers!
I'm able to hide how much this upsets me but it REALLY DOES UPSET ME. It hurts especially since all of these times my husband was with me. He is great, always tells me I'm beautiful, but I am sure he remembers these things. It makes me so self-conscious and even thinking about these incidents is enough to bring me to tears.
What really makes me mad is that I'm very FIT enough though I'm fat. I am 5'4" and 180 lbs, I take a brisk 1 hour walk and a moderately fast 2.5 mile swim (sometimes I swap the swim for a combination of treadmill/weights) most days of the week. That's 2 hours+ of exercise per day. I eat properly most of the time, around 2000 calories a day, but I don't seem to be able to lose weight.
I once saw a specialty doctor because my dad is hypothyroid and I thought I might have it. He tested me and wrote back a scathing letter to my normal doctor basically saying that he doesn't believe I exercise and that I'm just looking for an excuse for being a pig!
How do you handle these things? All I do is have a good cry but I don't talk to my friends or family about it because I'm so ashamed and embarassed.
Don't be ashamed and embarrest at all!! At least you are active! And as your hubby says... you are beautiful! I understand how you feel though totally! I am 4'11" and 193 pounds. It stinks! But we can change our weight.... can these people change there ugly looks, mouths, ignorance? Not as quickly!
I have learned about daily calories from these boards. I just started calorie counting 2 weeks ago. I am thinking that you are not losing weight because your have to many calories going in. Maybe you should stay between 1500 and 1800 in calories eaten each day and see if that makes a difference. I stay between 1400 and 1800 but it averages out to about 1550 a day. My doctor told me to eat 1600 calories a day for weight loss. If you are maintaning your weight at 2000 calories a day... that means you need to lower your calorie intake in order to lose weight.
A good thread on these boards to read is http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64110. There is tons of information in there! It is called undereaters anonomous. But it is all about calorie counting, exercise and more. You will probably learn alot from it.
Again, don't sweat the ignorant people! Next time someone asks when your due.. ask them when they are going to be prettier. Come back with something to make them think and walk away. And if someone says something about eating to much... tell them they need more makeup to hide there ugliness or something. Something to make them think I would think would be the key to get them to reconsider opening there mouths and it does not make you appear as rude as they are.
Hope I helped! Welcome to 3FC and much luck to you!
i know what it feels like and have been treated mean on purpose by some
I remember when i was in school two years ago, i was hanging out with a few friends of mine (who are both thin). We went across the street to the mall to get lunch. This guy saw them coming and ran to open the door for them. As soon as he saw me, he let the door go and damn neat slammed it in my face
its sickening how weight is such an issue with how we treat people. im about the size of queen latifah before she lost all of her weight.
I am so there with you. I work in NYC and take the subway everyday-I can't tell you how many times people offer me their seats...at first I thought they were just being nice, then I realized....THEY THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!! I was horrified when I realized this. I can't fault people for being considerate of pregnant women but it's so humiliating...sometimes I want to stick my belly out, rub it and take the seat!!!
I saw a comedy routine by Rosie O'Donnell once and she was talking about her weight...she said when people used to ask her how far along she was she'd get offended, now she just says "about 7 months" and when they ask who the father is she replies..."I don't know...either Ben or Jerry". My point being-keep your sense of humor about it all and don't let it get you down. As Tracy said...you can lose weight and become thin...these people will probably be nasty forever.
Thanks to everyone who has responded so far! Just hearing your support makes me feel better already!
To Tracy, I am actually seeing a nutritionist. She put me through "metabolic testing" to see how much calories I consume per day. According to this test I would use up around 2300 calories/day if I just sat around doing nothing all day long, and 2900/day if I was as active as an "average" woman my age! I am far more active than the average woman, so 2000 calories/day is SUPPOSED to be reasonable for me. I did cut down to 1500/day for one month but I wasn't able to exercise properly at that level, I just kept petering out from lack of energy. It is very frustrating to say the least!
It is weird how I have been treated. No one has been purposely mean to me (so far as I know anyways) but every so often some well-meaning person says something that floors me because it is so clueless. I try to keep my sense of humor but I admit I have trouble with it.
Thank you again to everyone! It's so nice to be around such a supportive group.
Yeah, people are ignorant and very cruel. And I know that no matter how hard you try to hold your head up high and let those comments slide off your back, it still kills you inside. My cousin Dawn, whom I do not speak with anymore for many reasons, was engaged to this guy. He was usually very nice, but I remember on one occasion he said to me, "You could be gorgeous IF you lost wait". I was so offended!! How I would love to go up to him now and say, "You know what? I WAS gorgeous then, but now I'm a knockout!"
Think about it like this:
What it comes down to, is that these people are usually extremely un-intellegent. I mean, come on, if they're going to insult us, can they not come up with something more clever? We KNOW that we're "fat", heavy, overweight, whatever. So, pretty much, all they are doing is pointing something out to us that we're already aware of. Just act shocked like, "What?! I'm fat?! Oh my God, when did that happen?!" Or something else sarcastic like that. Make THEM feel stupid!!
I'm sorry you had those experiences! I have a really hard time understanding why people who don't know you feel that they can just make comments like that. I understand the "when are you due" being an accident, but that other woman, wow! I have to agree with the poster who said try to deal with it with humor, as well as cemeterysiren. It takes a certain lack of intelligence, class and really it says a lot about that persons sense of self-esteem and self-worth. You're doing awesome with the exercise and you will be able to lose this weight. Then next time you see skinny flabby woman you can tell her "you'd be so beautiful if you'd just tone up."
LOL...Cemetarysiren25...you hit the nail right on the head with that ""What?! I'm fat?! Oh my God, when did that happen?!"
Just a few day's ago, my neighbor dude came over and I told him (being very excited)that I had lost 9 lbs since starting on september 1st...(thinking he would be happy for me) he said laughing..."you better make sure your scale is working right"
LOL...I made him a cup of coffee and when i handed it to him I said "you better make sure to check that coffee before you drink it"
LMAO...he didnt stay very long and he never drank the coffee..
I sat there after he left drinking my own cup of coffee and just laughed to myself.
there are those that don't realize that what they are saying is hurtful and then there are those who deliberatly try to bring your self esteem down....which ever is the case...just ignore them.
Your most welcome. I am glad you have a nutritionist to help you. Have you read the book "The American Heart Association's No-Fad Diet"? It will explain this.. it is an awesome book. I really think (in my opinion from what I have learned and read) that 2000 calories is high. But I also feel that 1500 is a drastic drop for you to start with. I would start out at 1900 and 1800 a day and go from there to see what works. You have to play around with the numbers. Check that book out I mentioned. It will help you with this.
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Lisa,
Your a riot lol! I remember you being funny on another board lol. I wish I had your fast sence of humor with come backs haha.
I've never had anyone be intentionally nasty to me because of my weight. But, I don't see the point of stooping to their level and trading insults with them. I suppose if you really feel like they are worth your time you could point out how rude their comment was. I can't imagine wasting my breath though.
As for someone mistakenly thinking that you are expecting, well, I am sure the situation makes them as uncomfortable as us. I've only had it happen once. It was at the gym. One of the new trainers commented that I was "exercising for two". I thought she was referring to how long I'd been there and how hard I had worked. Then she asked when I was due and I realized we WERE NOT talking about the same thing. She could not have been more apologetic. It was embarassing for me. But, you know what? I wasn't embarrassed because she MADE A MISTAKE. I was embarassed because she was RIGHT - I did look pregnant.
So, yes, people can be rude and such behavior is never called for. But I sort of take an "if the shoe fits" attitude. No insult bothers me if I know it is riduclously false. But, boy they sting to the core when they are true. The most productive thing to do is ignore the fact that the person has next to no tact and and face the fact that they might be right - then fix the problem if it bothers you.
I am actually seeing a nutritionist. She put me through "metabolic testing" to see how much calories I consume per day. According to this test I would use up around 2300 calories/day if I just sat around doing nothing all day long, and 2900/day if I was as active as an "average" woman my age! I am far more active than the average woman, so 2000 calories/day is SUPPOSED to be reasonable for me. I did cut down to 1500/day for one month but I wasn't able to exercise properly at that level, I just kept petering out from lack of energy.
I am also very active-I exercise an average of 30 minutes-5 hours per day. (No, I am not obsessed, I am a performer, and some days there are rehearsals and workshops that are that long! )
For me, I cannot lose at my weight on 2000 calories a day-but I maintain at that weight. Metabolic testing is a good guage, but it isn't an exact science. If you are not losing on 2000 a day, then you aren't losing-no matter what the metabolic calculator says that you should be doing.
My advice is to try 1700-1800 calories a day for a while, and see how you do. (Since you are not losing at 2000, but 1500 is too low to fuel you for your workouts.) You may experience a slow weight loss at this rate. You just need to try it and see how you do at this level. Try to eat clean, unprocessed foods-oatmeal, chicken, fish, fruits and veggies and the like. Whole foods for your body.
I would also recommend maybe changing up your exercise routine a bit for variety if you have been doing the exact same thing for a while.
Ahhhhh..... now I know I'm catching on!! Lol. I actually matched (pretty much anyway) what Aphil's advice was!! My mind is working! Lol. This is a good thing! Actually it is awesome! I got more help out of the advice I got on these boards then I thought my brain took into memory! Awesome!
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sharal........................... I do agree though.. you need to eat less and make healthier choices. Change around the exercise you do. LIke I said earlier.... I think you will see weight loss then.
Getting nasty with someone who is nasty with you simply makes you a fat nasty person. I treat insults with simple, direct statements, delieved in a normal, not icy tone. "When are you due?" "I'm not pregnant, I'm fat". "You would look so much better if you were thinner." "I'm aware that I'm fat, and that my looks would improve if I were thinner."
This probably makes the other person uncomfortable. I don't feel badly about that. I'm making simple, truthful statements. If they had been more tactful, they wouldn't be in this posistion. On the other hand, I also put myself in that position by getting fat in first place.
Ditto on the trading insults thing.
Jawsmom is very wise.
I'd be gaining on 2000 cals. although I am a little shorter than you and fine boned.
Tell us some more about the metabolic testing, sounds fascinating.
Hi again everyone, wow, this place is addicting. I wanted to answer SusanB about metabolic testing. I have my doubts about how accurate it is, since I have not been losing whatsoever according to what it says. All they do is give you a big tube and you sit in a chair and breathe normally through the tube into some sort of machine for about 10 minutes. The machine processes and analyses whatever it is that you breathe out. Then it pumps out a bunch of numbers which the nutritionist goes through with you.
I generally eat pretty good, oatmeal, lean chicken, fish, mostly whole grain breads in limited quantities, etc. I will try going down just a couple hundred calories and see what that does (going down to 1500 cal/day didn't do ANYTHING at all, I didn't even lose 1/2 lb over the month!). I really wasn't too worried about losing weight before since I'm pretty fit (I did a triathlon last year and finished in the top 1/3! ) but I found out my mom is diabetic and my doctor thinks it would be a good idea to get about 40-50 lbs off if possible.
The exercise, yes, I do mostly walking/pool/weights but always in different ways. For example, in the pool some days I just swim straight laps, other times I do intervals (too exhausting to do these all the time!), or I sprint.
As for being nasty back to the people who offend me, I never have, not that I haven't fantasized about it.
New here! How do you handle cluelessly nasty people?
) put her hand on my arm as I was walking through the grocery store and said, "You could be so beautiful if you would just control your eating". The nerve! Again, in front of other strangers!
Then it pumps out a bunch of numbers which the nutritionist goes through with you.
