I have been on this thread off and on for about 4-5 years? This is my 2nd user name as I couldn't remember my original password. Anyway - I have had that so called "light bulb" moment - and said "Ah, I get it! I need to diet, I will diet, I know I need to get healthy" I have days with great bursts of energy, great workouts, eat healthy - but then I back slide fast and eat garbage after a hard work out. I lie to myself and to my friends.
I have one friend who wants to help me more than anyone. I get on a scale in front of her once a week. She helps me plan menus - but I then lie about what I actually prepared. Why do I lie about what I eat? Why am I smart about what I should eat - and WHY I should eat healthy - but then I eat the crap. The junk food makes me feel like junk..makes me feel fatter and sluggish. I know all the reasons to eat clean and healthy - and yet I can't maintain it for more than 24 hours at a time!
I lost my dad last year - depression sunk in - (Grief.) - It comes and goes and I'm in a grief support group - but that has nothing to do with why I'm a liar about my health. When I first joined here a few years ago - my weight was about the same - maybe 10 pounds less - but my waist was 13" smaller!!! I remember posting that it was 35" and I was so happy because women shouldn't have a waist any larger. Now it's 48"!!! SERIOUSLY???
I'm disgusting! My husband doesn't want sex - and I don't want it either because I'm too uncomfortable with my belly. What's wrong with me?
Why do I know what to do - but yet I don't do it??? I have YOUNG children. 3 adorable kiddos - I want to live a long time for them!!! I want to feel better about myself FOR myself and for my handsome husband!!
Aaaargh!! Had to post now before I lost my nerve. Sorry for the long post...just so very upset with myself. I feel so disgusting.
Look I think it's great if you want to lose weight for your health and for your own peace of mind.
But it's about making yourself feel good, better, best not about fixing something that is broken. You are not disgusting just because you weigh more than you'd like. And you are not a liar because you have anxiety about what you eat and don't want to disappoint your friend. You are not broken.
You know yourself best but I don't buy that everything that's happened in the last few years of your life is unrelated to your current eating habits. Just from this post you seem very stressed. Lots of people take refuge in food and over indulge. Is it great? No. Is it the end of the world? No. Maybe if the support group works for your grief you'd benefit from weight watchers or OA? Or a therapist to talk about your concerns. Whatever works for you.
Not to poke my nose in your marriage but if your husband actually doesn't want to be intimate that may have nothing to do with your weight. It might be medical, it might be because you seem disinclined, it might be because he's stressed too, it might not even be true. Start there instead of beating yourself up eh?
You are not disgusting. Don't say something about yourself you'd never allow someone to call your best friend or your sister. Treat yourself with the same loving kindness you give to everyone else. If you want to lose weight as part of that, good for you. There are tons of people right here to support you. But you are not defective. Screw what women "should" be. Find out what version of yourself you want to be and be that woman no matter what her measurements.
First of all, I'm pretty sure all of us have lied. I lied about my diets numerous times, EVEN in a food diary ONLY I saw!
I think we do it because we don't want to feel pathetic about our failures. But, I really think you need to see a food therapist, while it is wonderful your friend is helping she is probably not the best person because you love and respect her and you lie to her because you want her to respect you back.
That's why seeing a therapist is better. A stranger who has no knowledge of your past who you don't want to impress is the best way to go. If you can't afford one then just keep coming here every day and post on this thread how you are feeling. Don't lie to us because I am pretty sure all of us has experienced what you have so their is no reason to lie!
Good luck and keep coming back and I am very sorry for your loss!
It sounds like the depression has a hold on you. Have you talked to your doctor about this? I lost both my Mom and my husband last November. All in 10 days. I had to take an anti-depressant for a bit. It sure helped me.
I am sorry to hear about how you feel. And you are certainly not disgusting. You've done great losing the weight you have.
You have a lot of negativity at the moment though, much like I had. My only advice would be to transfer that negative energy into something positive. You mention your lightbulb moment but mine was more like: "I have ******* had a ******* enough of this ****!" Apologies for the implied expletives (translation available upon request). But it came from a pretty bad place and I meant it for me.
It is tough to lose weight but you can do this. It's not about lying to other people, it's about being true to yourself.
Thanks for the posts. I honestly don't think I'm depressed. After my dad passed I did ask the Dr. for an Rx "just in case" - but I was able to get through just fine w/o the meds. I used to have crying spells all the time - but the grief support group helped a LOT. I'm finding more peace with that situation, thought my life will never be the same. As for the weight - yes, I do feel disgusting. I look at myself in the mirror and I am disgusted. I know I shouldn't say that - as a plus size person - I should be happy with the way I look. This is how all my friends and family see me - but I see myself as the skinny person I was all my life prior to having kids. I just can't get the weight off since kids and just keep gaining. My husband has told me that he is physically NOT attracted to me, or plus size women in general. For him, sexy is thin. I have a chin that I detest and my stomach just truly repulses me. Trying to find a dress last year for my dads funeral was horrible - the muffin top was just way too obvious in any dress I tried on. Ended up with black pants, cream shell / blouse and black sweater. I want to be healthy for the right reasons - a) my health, my heart health and all other types of health b) my joints, c) self esteem, d) to play with my kids more e) to live longer - etc etc. etc. I just hate myself for getting to this point. I just hate myself for doing that. No, I am not depressed, I am just wondering why I can't be honest. Funny about the person who admitted lying in a food journal that nobody else could read. I am humiliated every time I get on a scale in front of my friend. She is trying so hard to help me. Why can't I try just as hard to help myself? I am a stay at home mom with kids in school - I should have LOTS of time to exercise and plan for healthy meals! Yet I will drive thru McDonalds to get a coke and think nothing of it at the time. ??? I'm so sick and tired of being "sick and tired" - and fat. I want my health back, I really do - I know nobody can do it but me. I just want to stop lying and to try harder.....sigh sigh sigh
I seriously was in almost your exact position (meaning weight-wise) pretty much exactly 1 year ago (I started losing March 22nd). We are the same height too. I also felt that exact way about my stomach and my double chin. Felt like just about the most unsexy person in the entire universe. WOW what can change in a year (and it didn't talk the whole year even!!! I was at 145 within about 7 and a half months, and felt amazing just a month or so in).
I obviously can't answer the "whys" you have, those are unique for each of us. But I can tell you one day I just woke up and decided I was through allowing myself to be miserable in my own body when I have FULL control over it. I still have a crap ton of issues, but feelin' sexy ain't one!
I am so sorry about the loss of your father. Apart from that, I think we are going through a lot of the same stuff, including something holding us back when we know we need to get the weight off and know we can do it, then we just keep "not" doing it. When I was reading your post, I felt like I could have written much of it. I am here for you. I will support you on your posts, and if you would ever like to talk further, feel free to PM me.
I don't think it's lying; I think it's hoping really, really hard that we'll live up to it tomorrow and somehow, magically, everything will be ok. A little human nature, a little denial, a little disappointment.
Hi chickadee,
I'm so sorry about your Dad...
This may sound weird but your post reminded me SO much of something our pastor talked about. It is in Romans and I was like, "that's me!!"
Romans 7:15 (NIV)
[15] I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Weird that 2000 years ago people struggled just like us...)
He did a series called NuMe many years ago and it helped me a bunch. Also, I just started a book called 'Made to Crave' that is life changing:“In addition to helping you find the desire to conquer your unhealthy cravings, it also holds the key to something very significant for most of us women—spiritual malnutrition. We feel overweight physically but underweight spiritually. Tying these two things together is the first step on one of the most significant journeys you’ll ever take with God.” (From: TerKeurst, Lysa. “Made to Crave.”)
Feel free to PM me if you want�� Melissa
LockItUp - oh my gosh - 7months and you lost it???? WOW!!! Oh my gosh, I want to know all about your journey! How you did you do it??? Do you have a blog? I want to know your story! I want to see before and after pics! I feel like I have no get up and go. I mean, some days I do - some days get started really well, and I'll spend 2 hours at the gym, then get in the pool, swim a couple of laps, sit in hot tub then sauna - and then I feel wow - I had an awesome workout - so I can justify my choc. milkshake.
SEVEN MONTHS? I'm glad to hear from you! THANK YOU! Congratulations to you! I pray I can adopt your attitude!!! Rebecca - I'm here for you too! Feel free to PM anytime!! It's good to know when others can relate. Robin - the reason I say I'm a liar - my friend will ask me week to week about why didn't I lose any weight, or worse - why did I gain. And I look so confused right along with her and I say, "Gee, I don't know, I ate all the healthy stuff you told me to eat, I increased my fiber and ate low carbs, and I worked out every day" - lying through my teeth knowing I didn't eat any fiber, I had high carbs, I drank soda and I only worked out maybe ONE day...so I lie to her face - how horrible wicked of me - when she is probably the best friend I have right now - and yet I lie to her? How shameful of me. Madre - thank you so much for the scripture verse and the book..I will get the book for sure!
Thank you so much to each of you for your support and understanding. I love that 3FC don't judge each other.....I get so mad at myself - and I wonder if I hate feeling this way - why don't I have the willpower to get on with it? Why don't just do it...be hungry, suffer through the cravings and get on with it????
With your stories and encouraging words - I pray this is my year.
Thank you SO much! Hugs to each of you!!!
Chickadee: This is such a cliche, but you really need to love yourself NOW, not when you get to x number of pounds. You will be the same person then, only smaller, so if you hate yourself NOW you will hate yourself then as well. I have totally been where you are with that, and I still struggle with it at times. Perhaps you could make some small changes a little at a time, that might help. For instance, you could replace all your beverages with water only (maybe coffee or tea as well) for two weeks, without changing anything else. Not only will that help your weight more than you might think, it will also give you some confidence that you really accomplished something.
Chickadee, as everyone else have said, I'm sorry about your loss and your difficlties. I do undrestand and I can relate. You've been given some great advice here (some of which I'm going to take too!). I just wanted to say, I'm not surprised you fail. It seems you have this (oh so well known to me) everything-or-nothing approach. To eat junk and pretty much anything you want one day and spend two hours in a gym AND pool the next day. No wonder you can not keep that up. Nobody can!!! It seems to me you need to make small, consistent, gradual changes and stick to them. Decide what you like and what you can't go without. I love sweets, so even now, when I'm losing weight, I still have one of my favourite cookies after lunch, with my coffee. I plan that ahead and I do it. It makes the whole dieting thing more enjoyable and by having a little peice of what I like, I'm less inclined to have a whole pack of it after a week or two of dieting.
When I started this new weight journey, I made a promise to myself. I promised I won't eat food I hate (even if it's healthy and good for you, like cottagge cheese...hate that stuff!), I won't starve, and I will love myself all the way through. This might sound silly but I went to a hair dresser and I had new colour and haircut. I bought new clothes, in my big size, but they are lovely. I started to use make-up every day. The point being, I already treat myself AS IF I was thin and pretty. And I feel pretty. Now I'm just working on "thin". It's about self esteem. If you hate yourself, you won't get anywhere, because you just won't take SO MANY EFFORTS for someone you hate. You need to love yourself, to realize and understand YOU WORTH IT. You worth eating healthy. You worth being healthy. You worth looking beatiful. I hope it makes sense.
Look I think it's great if you want to lose weight for your health and for your own peace of mind.
But it's about making yourself feel good, better, best not about fixing something that is broken. You are not disgusting just because you weigh more than you'd like. And you are not a liar because you have anxiety about what you eat and don't want to disappoint your friend. You are not broken.
You know yourself best but I don't buy that everything that's happened in the last few years of your life is unrelated to your current eating habits. Just from this post you seem very stressed. Lots of people take refuge in food and over indulge. Is it great? No. Is it the end of the world? No. Maybe if the support group works for your grief you'd benefit from weight watchers or OA? Or a therapist to talk about your concerns. Whatever works for you.
Not to poke my nose in your marriage but if your husband actually doesn't want to be intimate that may have nothing to do with your weight. It might be medical, it might be because you seem disinclined, it might be because he's stressed too, it might not even be true. Start there instead of beating yourself up eh?
You are not disgusting. Don't say something about yourself you'd never allow someone to call your best friend or your sister. Treat yourself with the same loving kindness you give to everyone else. If you want to lose weight as part of that, good for you. There are tons of people right here to support you. But you are not defective. Screw what women "should" be. Find out what version of yourself you want to be and be that woman no matter what her measurements.
Why am I a liar?
