I would put all the ice cream down the toilet if he is deliberatly tempting you. When he asks where it went, tell him it was so good you ate it all.
After this happens several times in a row, he probably won't buy any more ice cream.
Same thing with the pizza, candy, etc.
In an ideal world everyone would support us 100 %. We do not live in an ideal world. Those of us who have chosen to improve our health by losing weight, cannot expect those around us to give up thir favorites. It is completely up to us to choose the proper foods. Temptation is all around us , it doesn't have to be brought into the home to tempt us.
To me it doesn't sound like you are expecting him to change, it seems like you want just some consideration. I agree that the only person you can change is you. I think Astrophe's idea is a great one. He gets all the junk he wants, but its still considerate.
A grown man has the right to eat what he wants in his own house. Being supportive does NOT mean he has to diet along with her, that's ridiculous. It just means that he doesn't follow her around trying to shove ice cream in her mouth and he cheers for her when she does well.
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When I quit smoking, I quit smoking. It was MY quit, not my fiance's. He did smoke outside, but that's because we have children and that's always been our rule.
I agree. It sucks that tempting food is around but it's always going to be around. This is a personal struggle that we all have to face. Our success depends on our choices, no one else's.
When I quit smoking, I didn't require that others stop too. When I cleaned up my eating, I cooked healthier but I didn't require that other people stop having their treats. Not everyone wants to change b/c someone else is changing, even if it would be to their benefit to change too. We just have to do what we do and give advice if they would like to make those changes. When we make judgements about their behaviors and habits, it creates even more resistance.
I suggest, either declining the treats or opting for a portioned amount of them to model responsible eating habits and show them what a serving might look like. Perhaps if you make changes and model responsible eating habits, they will follow your lead.
For right now, I think you need to try to refine "favorites" in your mind. I still love a treat and have them from time to time but my "favorites" are changing as I go along and I find myself craving things that are healthier than I used to. There have even been many times that I've had one of my old favorites and found it less satisfying that I thought it would be. For the decadent things that are still my favorites, I find that not having them often helps me enjoy them more and b/c the majority of my diet is healthy I can eat them without feeling bad about it.
I feel for you OP and I can understand you frustration. I think a lot of people have missed the point. Yes, it's not fair to him, he should be aloud to eat whatever he wants in his house, yadda yadda. However, this isn't some random roommate we're talking about here. This is her FATHER. Who has raised her, cared for her, and loves her. He is incredibly selfish to not at least TRY to find a way for him to eat the crap he WANTS and be a little more discreet for his daughter's sake. I mean, come on. She's not asking for much, just a little consideration for her effort. Yes, temptation is out there. No kidding. But just having a tiny bit of control over HER (remember, it is HER home as well as HIS) home environment. I agree with MARLA76. Toss his crap and when he realizes maybe he should find a way to be more subtle about his junk fest. If he's not going to show any form of respect for her, why should she reciprocate?
exactly - if he supports her, he should support her.
it's not like she's asking him to give up his favourites forever, it's just for the duration.
speaking as a parent, seeing my daughter succeed in her efforts and knowing that i materially contributed to that success would be worth schkoffing empty calories.
and besides: is it not her home, too? she's not some random boarder - this is her HOME, where, out of everywhere in the world, she should be able to find sanctuary and peace when she needs it.
So what do those of you suggest that she do? What CAN you do? Yell at him? Throw his food away? Nag him to death? If OP is an adult, it is NOT her home. She can't force her father to do anything. All she can do is ignore his food or move out. You can only change yourself, not others.
If I was generous enough to open my home to my ADULT children and they repaid my generosity by throwing away my food or insisting that I change my own eating habits (or insisting that I only eat that stuff outside MY home in shame), my ADULT child would quickly find themselves looking for a new place to live.
Allowing my child to stomp on my boundaries in my own home does not equal a loving, supportive family to me.
ETA : I feel for you, OP, I really do. In a perfect world it would be wonderful if everyone kept tempting food away from us while we are changing our lifestyles. I'm going through something similar with my fiance and his eating (he's pushing 300 but won't change anything). But what can we do about it? Like I said before, the only person you can change is yourself. It's simply unfair to expect change from anyone else.
Last edited by shishkeberry; 03-11-2012 at 02:12 PM.
If he's not going to show any form of respect for her, why should she reciprocate?
He's not showing her disrespect by not letting her diet dictate his food choices. This is her own journey and many people aren't going to want to walk it with her, that's their choice, it doesn't mean they don't want to see her succeed in something she wants.
Why should she show her Father respect?Well besides he's fed, clothed, and sheltered her.... B/c you should show respect to someone you know and/or love even if they aren't as supportive of your diet as you'd like them to be. People don't have to have the same priorities in life.
So what do those of you suggest that she do? What CAN you do?
I already suggested she talk to him different. Asking him to stop bringing tempting food did not work because he's not up for that, and perhaps the approach turned him off to listening.
If it comes out like "You never support me. If you supported me you would stop bringing tempting junk food snacks in the house!"
1) he's not on this project so why does he have to play?
2) it can be perceived as ungrateful if he's supports her in other areas
3) it can be perceived as a judgement on his own diet
In effect -- that approach can shut the person down and they won't want to listen to you much because you are perceived as "on the attack." Talking AT them all about YOUR needs, and not taking THEIRS on board. Which is fresh.
Throwing his food out is a waste, and it doesn't show respect and it's fresh too.
So why would he want to respect her back by listening?
Would you talk to a roomie this way? “Hey roomie, I'm on a diet now so you can't eat what you want any more. Deal with it!”
Of course not. It's the same thing here. I'd change the approach so it is talking WITH them rather than AT them.
So ask him what he IS up for? More like "I am doing this. I know you aren't doing it and you don't have to. But I'd like your support in the area of the shared kitchen. Would it be ok with you if I move your snacks to a basket on the fridge? Then you can still have them but it makes my life on a diet a bit easier too? Or if you have other ideas and suggestions – I'd love to hear them and see if we can arrive at a happy medium for both of us. "
They still might say "Nope, not interested! And don't you dare touch my things because I'm going to strew them all over the house!"
And then you just have to suck it up til you can move out then. And know this person is not the best roommate in the world even if it is your relative.
BUT... if approached more considerately you may arrive at a happy medium for both because you are now addressing him as a person with needs of his own. Talking WITH them rather than AT them.
I would turn this into a positive experience if you can - obviously you can't control your father - only yourself. And honestly, you're going to be faced with a LOT more temptation than him time and time again over the course of your life - restaurants, parties, college, work functions, etc. etc. to name a few. Just remember that these experiences are helping to prepare your willpower. Every time you say no - pat yourself on the back. When your dad pulls out the ice cream, go for a walk rather than sit there watching him eat it. Or buy a lower calorie alternative and enjoy that instead. Only you can truly watch out for yourself.
when i was living at home, my mom had a lot of junk around, also. at the very least, she tried to keep it stashed away in places i probably wouldn't stumble upon.
but, you know..i would get crazy and go searching anyway. its allll about self control. if you have the means, buy yourself diet friendly treats. like fiber one brownies and WW ice cream bars, etc. it's impossible, for me, to have people around me eating treats and i get none. so when i was living at home, i bought my own groceries. this included treaty things as substitute for the junk that was around.
saying "you just have to have the willpower" is not fair and it's not just. basically, it's saying "unless you can suddenly do something you haven't been able to do up to now, you don't deserve to succeed".
it's expecting someone with a fractured leg to just suck it up and walk - casts, medical treatment, walking aids until your leg gets strong, they're not necessary.
it is HARD to change habits one's spent a lifetime learning and since it's likely the parents that taught those bad habits, it's the parent's duty - and i'm speaking as a parent - to do the right thing by their child. just because your kid turns 18 (and OP is not age of majority yet) doesn't mean you kick them to the kerb and "you're on your own now - have a nice life!"
kids should not be allowed to move out until they know how to prepare a meal, keep their room clean, do laundry, shop effectively, understand the basics of a healthy lifestyle, and have at least basic budgeting skills.
if parents have failed in those duties, then it's the parents who have to suck it up.
as for respect because he raised her, sheltered her, paid for her, educated her, etc - um, hello? what, did nature change the game plan all of a sudden? now newborns show up at the door requesting permission to move in with mum and dad, please and thank you?
it is a parent's DUTY and LEGAL OBLIGATION to provide for the children they have who didn't ask to be born. there is no other option.
nobody argues that doing drugs in front of children is abuse - but which is worse: the parent shooting themself up with drugs while the child watches, or the parent providing the child with inadequate nutrition and bad eating habits that will affect their health and self-esteem for the rest of their lives? i don't see a difference - just because the first is illegal and the second is not doesn't mean the child should have to suddenly grow a bigger set of cojones than her father.
Last edited by threenorns; 03-14-2012 at 12:04 PM.
That might hold as a moral argument, but if the parents don't see their obligations in that same way, it really doesn't matter. She can't change them or dictate their choices, even if she might want to. That means she has to figure out coping strategies. Hard, but not impossible, and, good practice, as LC said upthread.
Threenorms - it really seems like you are taking things to the extreme here quite a bit - yes, a parents obligation is to take care of their children - that means food, clothing, shelter, love - that doesn't mean to diet with them. It's too bad that this girl gained weight but she's also discusses in other threads going to golden corral, taco bell and buffets with people from school and making unhealthy choices while she is there - therefore it's not all of her parents doing.
Additionally, I think it is a bit hard for you to judge parents that you don't know - nobody here judges you for your parenting skills - I have read your other posts where you report how unsupporitive your husband is and how he feeds your children pizza for breakfast so I know that must be hard and this thread possibly hits home more than others, but I don't think it's fair to borderline accuse this girls father of child abuse because he eats ice cream in front of her. She is not a child anymore and if she doesn't start making changes for herself and on her own she will not be successful - that's really all there is. Nobody can make you change. It would be great if she felt more support from her family but it doesn't mean she will automatically fail if she doesn't get it - it might even make her stronger in the long run.
Last edited by lm3898; 03-14-2012 at 01:29 PM.
Reason: misspelled.
