I've never had a problem with this, but then again, I've been told I'm a wearer of the 'witch (with a b) face.' Apparently I tend to give off a, 'not interested' vibe all the time. I guess it's because I think it's creepy when people smile all the time, or make too much eye contact in public places with people they don't know...so I usually keep my expression neutral (well, I think it's neutral...I have the sneaking suspicion others see it as a scowl) and avoid eye contact unless I'm actually speaking to someone. Insecurities from childhood have made me worried about giving any guy the idea I might be interested, because then it gives him the chance to reject me/tease me. I can't flirt. At all.
Consequently, the only men that brazenly hit on me despite the 'go away!' vibe I give off...are old men. Creepy, creepy old men.
I would say that if you want them to leave you alone, don't make eye contact with them, and constantly look as though you're preoccupied/don't have time for others.
I've been told by male friends that I have a bad@$$ attitude that keeps men from approaching me, which probably includes a &^!@) face and haughty body language. This doesn't bother me as I'm married. Most men are very polite around me--they open doors for me, etc. I can flirt but rarely do. I'm just not interested in men--I have enough at home. I have had some men that just don't "get" it that I'm not interested. I just chalk it up to a lack of social skills. My best advice and my DD24 uses it too--Don't make eye contact on the bus unless you are interested in a conversation. That goes for men and women!
I am a survivor (of way too much) and can honestly say, people in general scare me. A lot of what people have said here is right on the mark. People who are abused generally have a distrust issue (I walk around with it every day) and automatically assume the worst of on coming traffic (be it male or female). Although I don't feel women should have to police their wardrobe or attitude to keep unwanted attention at bay, it is somewhat disconcerting that when we got a guy's point of view, our claws came out.
Andrew, if you are reading this, I actually agreed with what you said and not just to keep the creepers away. Others have said they give off an attitude that says "don't approach", that has become my whole persona...I don't even have to think about it. But you're right, men/women don't know that I'm a survivor (I use me here only), no one on the outside knows that I was held prisoner in my own home for 2 years of my childhood and assaulted over and over again. How would they by just looking at me.
That is my point. We can't meet people (whether interested in friendship or more) unless we make an effort. And those people who make that effort (in a respectful manner) don't know where we've been in life. Cues in body language lets them know its okay to approach (or not approach) and see where it goes from there. If you don't like who approaches you, that's up to you to take control.
For those who approach disrespectfully, it's up to you to fight for yourself. There are people who don't care about others feelings (whether they be pervs or people who insult us because we're overweight). We can't control them, we can only control ourselves. Did we ask to be insulted or harassed, no we didn't. But it happened. SO its truly up to us to stand up for ourselves whether it be a voice or body language.
But as for Andrews statement, I believe he was talking about a general and simple cue for both men and women. We don't have to carry signs. Our minds and bodies work together and body language says a heck of lot more than "yes, I'm interested." or "No, don't approach".
I don't condone harassment of any kind, but appreciate the other side's point of view. Without it, we can't learn. Thank you, Andrew for posting
People who are abused generally have a distrust issue (I walk around with it every day) and automatically assume the worst of on coming traffic (be it male or female). Although I don't feel women should have to police their wardrobe or attitude to keep unwanted attention at bay, it is somewhat disconcerting that when we got a guy's point of view, our claws came out.
We can't meet people (whether interested in friendship or more) unless we make an effort. And those people who make that effort (in a respectful manner) don't know where we've been in life. Cues in body language lets them know its okay to approach (or not approach) and see where it goes from there. If you don't like who approaches you, that's up to you to take control.
Wow.
1. A man's opinion is no more privileged than a woman's. And one man speaks for all men ("the other side") about as much as one woman speaks for all women.
2. Would you use the phrase "claws came out" to refer to men disagreeing with other men? I'm trying hard here to find some way to read your words and not find them blatantly misogynist (that catty thing) and I'm not getting anywhere.
3. I'm sorry that you've been abused, but it's simply not true that everyone who does not want to have to be regarded as available for pursuit by strangers has been abused and is not reading strangers correctly. Your baggage, unfortunate as it is, is not universal.
actually yes, I would have used claws...I wasn't thinking gender/women as cats in the least...but if you must see that way, that's fine. I didn't mean that every person feels the way that I do, I generalized, if that offends anyone I apologize. I also used me as the example, not pointing fingers at anyone.
I don't want pity or sympathy for what happened to me, that wasn't my goal. I deal with me alone. And to be honest with you, a lot the "chicks" name are genderless and without avi's I can't tell whose a women or not, so misogynist (call it what you want) is up to you.
My post not putting blame on anyone, nor pushing my views...I wanted to show support for someone who took a chance (as I did) and was misunderstood. In my defense, I am who I am.
I say that some of it--for me. Not for everyone--has to do with my own lack of self-exteem and how I see myself. I've always been more comfortable fading into the background, so attention on any level usually scares me off the bat. That's my issue to learn to deal with.
But the best way to handle it, I think, is go with your gut. You know when you are feeling threatened/creeped out and when you are simply feeling "shy". I'm learning to try to be more open (since I've had several males tell me, "the young ones are afraid of you"...), but sometimes I just have to turn on the *$#@% face and not encourage.
And you know when you are ready to receive attention from guys, too. I think when you are comfortable, your actions will automatically show that. I think it is just how we are. Don't ever force yourself to try to do something/interact with someone if you don't feel ready.
actually yes, I would have used claws...I wasn't thinking gender/women as cats in the least...but if you must see that way, that's fine. I didn't mean that every person feels the way that I do, I generalized, if that offends anyone I apologize. I also used me as the example, not pointing fingers at anyone.
I don't want pity or sympathy for what happened to me, that wasn't my goal. I deal with me alone. And to be honest with you, a lot the "chicks" name are genderless and without avi's I can't tell whose a women or not, so misogynist (call it what you want) is up to you.
My post not putting blame on anyone, nor pushing my views...I wanted to show support for someone who took a chance (as I did) and was misunderstood. In my defense, I am who I am.
Wow, to me this whole discussion has gone WAY over the top!!
Just to let you know that I didn't read misogynist in anything you said, nor that you thought Andrew's opinion was more important than anyone else's. I think if everyone took the comments in the spirit in which they were intended, there would be a lot less ruffled feathers around the board!
I'm uncomfortable with it too, especially since I've had bad luck around men. When I left home at 15, I met a man on the street as I was handing out resumes, and being young I innocently vented to him about my financial stress. He took this as an opening to proposition me, and when I told him I had to get going, he groped me. Since then, I have had bad experience after bad experience. The most recent experience I've had was meeting a man who lives down the street. He seemed nice and all, and invited me over for tea a few times. I of course declined, and just recently learned that he gave me a false name and is on the sex offender registry. I think my biggest fault is that I feel that I need to be warm and friendly when a man, or any person for that matter, speaks to me. I feel this horrible guilt when I don't engage in conversation, because I think, "What if that was man was just being nice?". I get more and more attention lately, so I really have to work on that. Especially since I'm moving to a big city next month.
Although I'm still on my weight loss journey now that i'm a lot slimmer I'm starting to get unwanted attention from creepy men/pervs. Although I did get the unwanted attention while I was bigger, it seems like its happening to me a lot more now. I'm being stared at to the point where I can feel their eyes following me. Cute guys stare at me more often as well however I'm never approached! I was once on the train and caught this gorgeous guy staring at me and we made eye contact twice however he never approached me. Although I'm 22 years old the heavier I got, the more socially awkward. How do you all handle the unwanted attention, have you ever approached a guy you found attractive?
I just ignore.. I'm flattered usually, until they start harassing.
I have had some men that just don't "get" it that I'm not interested. I just chalk it up to a lack of social skills. My best advice and my DD24 uses it too--Don't make eye contact on the bus unless you are interested in a conversation. That goes for men and women!
