Like ShanIAm, for me it's my weight, BUT not because men necessarily have a problem with it, but because I do. If I can't accept myself the way I am, how can I expect someone else to? I guess this is just another way of saying my confidence is the problem.
For me its a multitude of things. I admit my confidence can improve I'm very shy and quiet. I'm terrified of rejection. However I think men can be very shallow as well. I spent six years on and off in a "relationship" with a guy who would not commit to me. We would go out on dates however he would not call me his girlfriend, I never met his family or friends. So I assumed that he was either embarrassed or ashamed of me.
I was he biggest problem when it came to meeting men. I was attracted to the guys who only wanted one thing from me. I had no self esteem so I pretty much figured I deserved whatever I got. I had to take a chance on the "nice" guy and that's how I met my current boyfriend.
When I met my current boyfriend I wasn't very big, I wasn't small though either. Him and I packed on the pounds together, when they say that when you get into a relationship you gain "love" pounds its terribly true.
Like ShanIAm, for me it's my weight, BUT not because men necessarily have a problem with it, but because I do. If I can't accept myself the way I am, how can I expect someone else to? I guess this is just another way of saying my confidence is the problem.
This was me, too. I still had guys that were attracted to me but I thought they were crazy. My DF met me (3.5 years ago) when I weighed what I do now and I gained about 55lb when I had our daughter and he still found me attractive. We were still having sex when I was 9mo pregnant and very close to 300lb. He's a bigger guy though, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it.
All I know is that I haven't had a single date since I got married! Harumph!
I hear marriage puts a damper on dating!
Like many of you, I feel my lack of confidence and self-esteem affected my dating life. Growing up, I was always called fat and ugly and asked out mockingly by boys. As I got older, I would get involved with guys who also used me for just one thing. I guess because of my low self-esteem, I didn't feel like I deserved anything better. Even today, and I am much older than high school age (past 40), I get the feeling that certain men are interested (just seems to be a vibe) but I always say to myself, "why, when he can get someone better looking?" Looking back, I feel I have missed out on opportunities. Gaining self-esteem is tough but, like the weight loss journey, for me it's been a lifelong one I have to keep working toward.
Like ShanIAm, for me it's my weight, BUT not because men necessarily have a problem with it, but because I do. If I can't accept myself the way I am, how can I expect someone else to? I guess this is just another way of saying my confidence is the problem.
ditto.
I don't have to be small to feel good about myself - when I was about a size 14, I was very happy with the way I looked and felt and dated up a storm! But bigger than that, I'm just not happy with myself and that's not an attractive quality.
And then I ended up having a kid (as a single mom) and have been focused on him for the past few years, but I'm approaching my "fighting weight" (a size where I feel good about myself even if it's not my final destination) and plan to get back out there again very soon.
I was running today and thinking about this (among other things as I tend to do when I run because if you think about running or how far?!? or how long!?! you'll just give up)...and I had a bit of a revelation.
There is almost nothing that you can say "Now I can do this <fill in the blank with random activity>, because I weigh ____ pounds!" Your weight never enables you to do anything, so why let it prevent you from doing something? My weight no longer gets the privilege of preventing me from doing anything because it never afforded me the right to do anything either!
When I was in college, I weighed 185ish to 190ish - this was 20 years ago when there were less overweight girls. I definitely was heavier than most of the girls. I didn't date. I was terrified of someone seeing me naked or touching me and discovering my blubber. Now that I look back, I realize a few people took interest in me in HS and college, but I was too insecure.
Then I met my now husband. We met online first (before there was even the WWW). and we met as friends. I let a lot of my guard down before even meeting him and I think that helped with a relationship starting without my insecurities getting in the way. We exchanged pictures by mail (this was 1992 - no way to do that online yet), so he knew my size... but we were just friends then, so not that much pressure. Then we met and after our first meeting, we realized we had feelings for each other. Because I knew he liked me for ME, I lost a lot of my insecurities and even though he was tall and thin and a PhD student and good looking, he found me very attractive.
All of a sudden at my college, now that I felt loved and such, I started to come out of my shell a bit. And guess what? All of a sudden, all these guys started leaving hints that they were interested. I couldn't believe it. I had no interest in them as I was in love with someone, but I realized, my weight was MY problem. Guys still felt I was attractive when I felt good about myself.
I broke up with my boyfriend in January this year. He didn't seem to mind my weight, but then, I've always been within this kind of weight range, I guess. I've been dating again in the last 3 months. Unfortunately, a guy I'd met who considered himself my "friend" took it upon himself to tell me that the reason I'm single is because of my weight. I'm sure he tried to do this from a place of kindness, but he totally devastated me. The next day I started my diet. I'd like to say it's not for him and I honestly don't think I'll ever see him again, but I'm not so sure it's for the right reasons at this stage. I'm a really hard worker so I feel like "if I haven't got the qualifications for a job, I'll go out and study; if I haven't got the qualifications for a relationship, I'll lose the weight". It's still all a bit overwhelming at this stage.
my weight and my lack of confidence. as others have said i don't like how i look so i can't imagine that anyone else would. the thought of getting naked in front of someone scares me to death. and i don't go out anymore ever so it's not like i meet anyone, which is my own fault. i have had guys interested in me but i guess i always thought they must think that i would have been someone who they knew couldn't get anyone else and that's why they liked me, they figured i'd be "safe" to date and would be relieved they picked me cuz no one else would. i only have had one guy i have ever truly cared about who i met fat and he watched me get thin and then we started dating. i think he truly liked me for me and losing weight made me feel confident to go after him. i was blissfully happy with him but then he ended it and of course i blamed myself and got huge and fat. i now am trying to get back to where i was when i was with him before i even attempt to meet anyone else, i don't see the point in trying to meet someone until i feel okay with how i look.
I have baggage, for one... I live with my ex-boyfriend. He's my best friend, but we've both agreed that when we do find others, they're gonna have to accept that I am still in his life and vice/versa.
But my BIG obstacle is my mental problems. I have 3 diagnosed mental disorders, (I'm on disability because of them) and one undiagnosed (unofficially diagnosed by my therapist) that I'll be seeing a new psych soon to determine if its there. People always ask "what is your job?" and I have to say "I'm on disability" "oh, thats a shame, what for?" and once you say mental problems, or you say borderline personality disorder, people run far far away. So that is an obstacle.
it turns out, my confidence was a bigger problem than my weight. i got confident about all the other things i had to offer. i took the mentality that anyone who is willing to judge me by the size of my waist isn't worth my time, and told myself if they didn't like what they saw could look the other way. not long after that, i met the man who i married this past summer... and i was at my highest weight when i met him.
Yes, THIS. I think it's probably more about the way you view yourself according to the weight, versus the actual weight itself. Any quality guy will look for a good person on the inside, because weight can always be lost (and a skinny chick with a crap personality can always end up getting fat!). It will require a shift in your thinking to get over this, not losing weight. Although I've noticed that the quality of men will go up with the weight loss ;-)
