[liasaun1]

I'm sure no one will read this but I just want to write it down to help myself, I guess. I've been at the highest weight of my life for the past year, helped in no small part by an abusive ex-boyfriend (who wanted me to gain weight, and who stood in the way of regular exercise and healthy eating). I'm 195 and previously had never been above 180. When I started dating my ex I was 170.

I want to lose this weight so badly. But I am constantly moving around, making it impossible for me to start and maintain any sort of routine. I posted here regularly at the start of last semester around September, when I was working out almost daily and dropped about 7 pounds in a month. Then I got too busy to keep that up, and then I moved to Florida to do a semester at Disney World. Disney World was AWESOME for me health-wise - although my eating suffered tremendously (it was difficult to cook or store food in my apartment with 6 roomates, and there was a vending machine in the break room at work - ugh!) But fitness wise, it was wonderful. I got a pedometer and started tracking my steps/miles walked each day. A normal 6 hour shift was 11,000 steps, so when I worked overtime I was easily walking 16,000 steps per day or about 7 miles/day. On the days I visited Disney World for fun, I got up to about 25,000 steps - over 10 miles. I burned over 1,000 calories on those days just walking around having fun at Disney. It was great. Although my increased food intake kept me from losing any weight, I was maintaining right around 190 and feeling as though I was building muscles every day.

And then I quit and moved in with my boyfriend, in Kansas City. Ever since I left I've been so depressed. I left so many new friends and amazing experiences in Disney World, and all I've done here is sit on the couch and eat and eat and eat and do nothing. I'm back up to 195 and I've barely moved at all. I'm just moping about all the time. The most exercise I get is cleaning up the tiny apartment here. I think I've gotten my pedometer up to 10,000 ONCE since moving in here ~3 weeks ago. My eating is better - since I'm not moving at all, I'm not very hungry, so I've been eating less and cooking MUCH more - but I'm so depressed that I've been, um, smoking ..... a lot more recently which causes me to eat a LOT in one sitting.

So I figured a good way to lift me out of my depression is to exercise. Every time I move - about once every 6 months for roughly the past 4 years, sigh - each new place holds some magical element that no other place has: when I lived in Bloomington IN, my college town, there was constant inspiration and motivation for my career and academic pursuits (fashion design). When I lived in Newburyport, MA there was not only inspiration career-wise, but a beach, and the challenge of living alone and having to make friends from scratch. I learned to shop at a farmer's market and cook whatever was on sale. In Disney World, there were 14 hour days and friends and a huge magical park to run around in. So far, in Kansas City, there's not much of anything. Walking around isn't fun anymore without 80 degree sunny weather and palm trees and roller coasters and princesses. Nothing's really fun anymore. I need something to make Kansas City enjoyable for me. I want it to be the place where I get into shape and start my fitness routine. It's not about how I look - I look great, and feel very confident right now - it's about being healthy and fit and pushing my body to meet its maximum potential.

So today was the first day of my new ~routine~ - Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. Hopefully I can keep it up AND find a job to distract me from my malaise. Good luck to me. I want to lose ~15 pounds this summer. That's 5 pounds a month MINIMUM. There are 4 months, though, so I could really lose 20, if I worked hard enough. I just need to stay motivated and keep my goal in mind.

Thank you for reading if you read all of this!

[wendyland]

Of course someone will read your post.

It sounds like talking to a professional might help you sort out changes in your life. Or maybe some cod liver oil or fish oil for vitamin D, if you haven't been getting much sun. I started taking it this winter and had the first winter where I didn't get the blues.

I understand how KC can be a disappointment after Disney World. I love Disney. I live in St. Louis, so similar weather. It's going to start getting better. This spring has been so much more gloomy than normal.

I've only been to KC a few times, but I'm sure there are bike trails or parks or somewhere to go be outdoors.

Or maybe take a class or join a club where you can meet more people.

[amandie]

I know about KC. I used to live there for 5 years for an ex-boyfriend, lol, hence why I'm currently living in sunny Phoenix, AZ!

I am currently doing 30 Day Shred as well, if you can make it through the first level, you're gold! I wish you a lot of luck in finding a job and your wt loss journey. I would suggest joining a group or a challenge to keep yourself motivated, at least it does me. You CAN DO IT!

Feel free to PM me if you need anything.

[gmailjunkie]

First of can I just say that it seems as though you have a great attitude which I'm sure is going to get you far in this process and life in general. Yay you!

After reading your post it really just seems like you need something to do. Have you considered volunteering somewhere? Making a connection with a cause or with an individual you can support might make the city seem more worthwhile. Service isn't exactly fun in the traditional sense of the word (though it can be!) its rewarding and I've always found service grounding whenever I've felt restless or bored.

I don't know what your situation is in terms of mobility but if you can afford the transportation (or can easily be your own transportation I.e walk or bike) its definitly something to consider.

Good Luck!

[JOLINA]

Why don't you write or call Disney World and get a job there?
Move out of KC if you can. It sounds like you've come to a dead end in KC.
And if you don't have any money, call the local newspaper and tell them you are walking all the way to Florida to get a job.
By the time you get there you will have lost a LOT of weight and made a lot of new friends along the way.
With all the media attention, you'll probably have a hundred jobs waiting for you.

[Darby1]

I agree with volunteering! I started volunteering two years ago which helped me lose 50 lbs, give me back a sense of pride and let me feel useful, and eventually changed my career. Find something you love or really believe in and start volunteering. You may be amazed at how your life can change! If nothing else, you'll meet like-minded people!

Good luck!

[fitness4life]

Don't sluff off the fact that your bf was abusive (not that you have). There is a total emotional toll there and likely self-sabotaging behaviors that accompany recovery. Read up on the psychology of abuse and understand what you went through and take measures to heal. PM me if you need. Trust me, I know the book on abuse. Take care.