I totally understand what you are saying. My husband at 53 has remained the same weight for all of his life. He has been very lucky because he doesn't have the best diet and doesn't exercise much. I, however, have yo-yo'd back and forth with my weight for years.
I also have Parkinson's disease and I had a stroke a year and a half ago. I lost a lot of weight last year and started running in Sept. Since Sept. I have run 4 5ks and I would like to train to run a marathon in Dec. 11'. I found out that my husband had told my son that he didn't think I could do it and that I was going to get hurt.
I was devastated. Up until I heard that comment, I was going full force and feeling like a million bucks. I didn't say anything to my husband about it for a while, I just started, inadvertently, treating him differently. Finally he figured out that something was wrong and we had a knock-down, drag-out fight over it.
Honestly, now that we have talked this out, I realize that he was not trying to hold me back, he was very worried that I would push too hard and have another stroke, or seizure, or something. I also finally made him realize that to me, life isn't worth living if I have to go back to my fat prison, being unable to do almost everything.
I realize this story is from the opposite perspective, but I know exactly what you are saying and I sympathize with you. You obviously care very much for your husband and you don't want to see him hurt. Women are usually very caring and what to fix everything for those they love.
Best wishes to you and your husband. Thank you for coming here to vent and ask for advice and opinions. I don't post very much but your post really spoke to me. I hope that 2011 is a great year for both of you.
It's important to consider where she's coming from, though. Everyone's experiences are different. Someone who works in a cardiac-care unit or who had loved ones die young from heart disease may have quite different ideas from others about what level of activity is safe.
Losing family members, working around illness or injury, or having a spouse who chronically overdoes things could cause a person to become protective (maybe even over-protective, as I know I am toward my loved ones). Being protective doesn't mean feeling threatened; that seems like quite a large leap to make.
Believe me, when I tried to convince my husband not to jog twice a day, it wasn't because I worried that he was going to expand his dating horizons. It was because I knew his tendency to do too much and worried that he'd hurt himself.
Also, I'm betting that if the OP is on here, she's also changing her own lifestyle and getting more fabulous by the day, so I seriously doubt she's wringing her hands about her hubby getting svelte.
I read your post and the comments and here is my take on it.
You are working hard at dieting and being healthy. Your husband isn't, but out of luck/good genetics he was able to stay thin until 3 years ago despite never exercising or eating right.
You want to encourage him to work on being healthy with you. He is telling you he doesn't need to work up to stuff, he can go out and do whatever he wants now.
It frustrates you because you want this to be something you work towards together, and you think he is in denial about needing to make bigger changes to improve his health.
I don't think this is about his ability to hike, but his perception that he's in just fine shape living the way he is. You see that he struggles to get off the floor and with other small every day tasks. You work in rehab and know that many people who are young and only slightly overweight have heart attacks. You are worried about him!
I don't know if your husband can take on hiking or not...some hiking is just walking, some is much harder. You seem more upset that he doesn't want to work on the bigger goal of sharing a healthy lifestyle. That's understandable. You are being realistic about the big picture, not trying to discourage him from exercising.
I'm come on here as a way to talk / vent and get advice. Not to have that kind of stuff said. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Didn't your mother ever teach you that?
If you ask for advice on an anonymous message board, you're going to get all sorts of replies. Feel free to ignore what you don't like.
I don't think anyone was being unsupportive. People have different communication styles and different needs. Some folks respond best to "tough-love" even to the point of in-your-face confrontational semi-rude commentary or advice. Personally I don't get it, but I've seen it.
I think on message boards all we all can do is throw our own personalities at the post's issue, and see what sticks. There's absolutely no way to tell on an anonymous message board, what tone and type of advice is going to be what the poster needs to hear - so everyone throws in their two cents and the op (and all the other readers and posters for that matter too) have to sort through all the loose change that accumulates and take away what they need (and throw away the rest).
Fears, rational or otherwise can be huge obstacles - whether they're fears for ourselves or for someone we love (or both). The real secret is in not letting the fears cripple us into inaction.
A person who is house-bound because of agoraphobia is safe from all of the things they fear in the outside world - but that safety comes at a huge price.
When I started this, I was nearly agoraphobic, and nearly housebound, and spent WAY too much time in bed. I was very afraid of having a heart attack merely by walking to the car, but my alternative was staying in the house and dying of boredom (or dying from a heart attack in my bed or in my recliner, because of the immobility).
I'm not saying not to worry. Hubby and I worry about each other alot. We drive each other freaking bonkers when we're out walking together (heck sometimes even staying in the house), constantly monitoring each others well-being. If I had a $ for every time one of us asked the other "how are you feeling?" Are you sure you're up to this? How are you doing? Do you want to stop? Should I slow down?...."
Literally, I bet we'd be millionaires. Today was a perfect example. It's extremely cold and the baromatric pressure and temperature took a steep nosedive. We're also only a few days home from a stressful trip to see my family in Illinois, which left us both feeling as stiff and sore as it always does from the sleeping in uncomfortable beds and driving in the care." I'm having a fibro and arthritis flare that is so bad, I've been in bed most of the day. Hubby is in almost as rough shape. I think our "how are you feeling" comments tally just today some where near 50 at least (maybe more). It's to the point, we kind of roll our eyes when the other asks, but we respond with "not bad considering, how are you doing?" or "I'm pretty stiff, and I'm going to take a nap, how about you?"
If this is how we behave on a homebound day, how do you think we act on a walk in the woods? I really wish I could get that $1 for each question, because I think I've probably had some $30 hours - better wages than I ever made at any job.
Sometimes we laugh at how paranoid our monitoring can seem - and sometimes we find it irritating, and sometimes it even triggers arguments (leave me alone already, I said I'm fine. I'll tell you when I need to stop!)
My mom let her fears for me, destroy my self-confidence and desire for almost all physical activity. She wouldn't let me play on monkey-bars because it looked silly for a fat girl to do so (she was really afraid I'd get hurt). She made me quit tennis lessons after I twisted my ankle (didn't even sprain it). She wouldn't let me take dance classes for fear the other girls would make fun of me. Although she made fun of me quite frequently (usually about how clumsy and uncoordinated or silly I looked, in almost any physical activity), joking about my swaybacking a horse, and even resorted to bribery to make sure I never went horseback riding with my girlscout troop. Once when the swayback comments didn't phase me, the day of the trip, my mother declared that the family was going to Six Flags and I could either go horseback riding with the girl scouts or with the family to Six Flags - I picked Six Flags - she won again. I hated her for years for her manipulations - as an adult I see she was just extremely afraid that I would be hurt.
My mother had no idea she was making me afraid of physical activity and encouraging me to be a couch potato (or she considered it a fair trade for keeping me safe), but safe doesn't mean happy (and it doesn't even mean safe - because safety is always a trade off. Keeping safe from one thing, almost invariably puts a person at risk for something else).
Get out there and have a go at it together! When one of you has had enough then the hike is over! He'll find out in his own way how much he is capable of! I was over 309 lbs and could go on hikes for hours, it was my eating that was the huge problem. Perhaps maybe he could go for a really long time, perhaps not, the only true way to know is to give it a go! Good luck!
I understand where you are coming from, OP. My husband is not overweight, but when we were going to Disney a couple years ago (him for the first time), I warned him that he better take really good shoes. He scoffed and said, I can walk around those parks in circles around everyone else in the group no matter WHAT shoes I wear! I didn't push the issue, but guess who ended up with blisters all over his feet, a pair of red Mickey Crocs, and daily visits to the infirmary for band-aids. I wanted to say "I told you so", but I think he figured out for himself that I was right. That was just blisters, though. If he had really injured himself doing something because of his stubborn pride or just to prove me wrong, that would be bad! I imagine your hubbs hearing you say "you can't", might actually encourage him to overdo it if and when you guys get out there.
I also believe that what you do for a living for sure is making you hyper-sensitive to the situation. I'm an RN, too, I work in the NICU of a children's hospital, so we take care of the very sickest babies. After a stretch at work, sometimes I leave there thinking anyone who has a baby must be completely out of their minds! But of course I have to check myself, because what I see is the exception rather than the rule. It's very hard to keep that perspective, though, sometimes!
I read your post and the comments and here is my take on it.
You are working hard at dieting and being healthy. Your husband isn't, but out of luck/good genetics he was able to stay thin until 3 years ago despite never exercising or eating right.
You want to encourage him to work on being healthy with you. He is telling you he doesn't need to work up to stuff, he can go out and do whatever he wants now.
It frustrates you because you want this to be something you work towards together, and you think he is in denial about needing to make bigger changes to improve his health.
I don't think this is about his ability to hike, but his perception that he's in just fine shape living the way he is. You see that he struggles to get off the floor and with other small every day tasks. You work in rehab and know that many people who are young and only slightly overweight have heart attacks. You are worried about him!
I don't know if your husband can take on hiking or not...some hiking is just walking, some is much harder. You seem more upset that he doesn't want to work on the bigger goal of sharing a healthy lifestyle. That's understandable. You are being realistic about the big picture, not trying to discourage him from exercising.
Maybe? If I am totally off, you can tell me...
Again thank you everyone who is responding. This post, I must say is perfect. I can't thank you enough for putting into to words what I was trying to say, but I guess missed. I'm not sure why people are assuming I don't want him to lose weight. Thats just silly. I think there is this misconception that anyone that ever has anything less that 100% positive encouragment for an over weight person's weight loss, must have this other motive to stop their weightloss, and that is simply not true.
I think most of the frustration comes from the fact that he has no intention to share working towards a healthy lifestyle. I thought it would be fun for us to work up to a great hike together. But the daily activity to get there, he's not willing to do. Again, I think I'm failing to say this correctly.
If we went hiking it would surely be months away, until it got warm. His plan is to stay completely inactive, until on random day in say May when I want to go on a day huke, do it with me ONLY because I had this talk about how I wanted to share these activities with him, and then that's it. What he's not understanding is its not that I just want to have a hike with him, but a full active lifestyle, together.
Now he and I have been over this time and time again. Before I had my kids I was relatively active. No marathon runner, but active. After baby #1 I lost the weight and was back t the gym, though only about 70% as much as before the baby. And now I'm getting back into shape after baby#2. And you know what? He has actually said to me that he likes it better when I'm pregnant because I eay and eat and don't exercise (I know that's not good, BTW)which is what he likes BUT he likes how I look when I keep myself in shape.
I also wanted to do a race this summer, a duathlon, with him, but that's out of the question. Its a 5k run, like a 11mile bike, and another 5k run. I asked him about doing it, and his response is "yeah sure"....and I'm like but you need to train...and he just brushes me off. Though I think his plan is to not do the race. I'm pretty sure he doesn'tthink he can just and do that without being in better shape.
Also, he tells me he has no time for exercise. So I talked to him, just about how I have started making exercise a priority and how much it has helped. How I am putting it before house chores and talking with friends, and some of my sedentary activities; amd how I am giving it the same importance I gave school work when I was in college. If there's one thing he does, which is great, is he knows how to make school the #1 thing in his life, otherwise he wouldn't be where he's at. Bur still he tells me there's, just no time to exercise, while he's playing video games, or surfing the web.
This is not a case of me just getting on a health kick, and wanting him to come along. Its more about him sharing what will be my lifestyle the rest of my life, especially if we are done having kids. I don't think its wise that he has this frame of mind that he is going to be inactive and obese and every now and again just jump up and go on a hike to keep me quiet. Because one day it is going to be an activity where he will injury himself, and it misses the whole point of us sharing this lifestyle together. But truthfully, I can see he is not ready to live a healthier life (this includes diet too) and I have to accept I can not make him do that.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 01-03-2011 at 06:25 AM.
GLAMOURGIRL I suggest you look around and pick out a "hike" that you think both of you can accomplish and enjoy. Make it a fun thing...then go from there....
Years ago I did a 5K with my wife and kids (they did them) I did not because I was a smoker (I had quit for good the day before)...well, they went with me, encouraged me and before long I was walking, then jogging then doing a lot of 5K's, a marathon, then hikes in the hills and mountains around us with my wife. We don't do the hiking so much anymore but we still do 5K's and we do walk almost every day at least 3 miles....we go to parks, Starbucks, the beach and even just the neighborhood with our dogs...
we make it a FUN THING to do for both of us...something we both look forward to....
My wife "convinced" me...wink.....in ways that only women can do to their man..... Make it a fun thing kid!
Be good
EDIT ~ I missed your last post.... My wife did find ways to encourage me w/o nagging or being demanding. I won't say she didn't have a remark or two every now and then about my smoking....but I had promised her I would quit...she never asked me to...but with me it was always the "I'm gonna do it" thing. Well, finally I did...w/o looking it up I think about 13.5 years ago.
I guess my point is #1 don't give up trying to find ways to encourage your DH and #2 And most important...do not allow him to hold you back in any way, shape or form....Do not make him your "excuse" to better your life! Your kids need you...if needed, your DH can survive on his own.
Again thank you everyone who is responding. This post, I must say is perfect. I can't thank you enough for putting into to words what I was trying to say, but I guess missed. I'm not sure why people are assuming I don't want him to lose weight. Thats just silly. I think there is this misconception that anyone that ever has anything less that 100% positive encouragment for an over weight person's weight loss, must have this other motive to stop their weightloss, and that is simply not true.
I think most of the frustration comes from the fact that he has no intention to share working towards a healthy lifestyle. I thought it would be fun for us to work up to a great hike together. But the daily activity to get there, he's not willing to do. Again, I think I'm failing to say this correctly.
If we went hiking it would surely be months away, until it got warm. His plan is to stay completely inactive, until on random day in say May when I want to go on a day huke, do it with me ONLY because I had this talk about how I wanted to share these activities with him, and then that's it. What he's not understanding is its not that I just want to have a hike with him, but a full active lifestyle, together.
Now he and I have been over this time and time again. Before I had my kids I was relatively active. No marathon runner, but active. After baby #1 I lost the weight and was back t the gym, though only about 70% as much as before the baby. And now I'm getting back into shape after baby#2. And you know what? He has actually said to me that he likes it better when I'm pregnant because I eay and eat and don't exercise (I know that's not good, BTW)which is what he likes BUT he likes how I look when I keep myself in shape.
I also wanted to do a race this summer, a duathlon, with him, but that's out of the question. Its a 5k run, like a 11mile bike, and another 5k run. I asked him about doing it, and his response is "yeah sure"....and I'm like but you need to train...and he just brushes me off. Though I think his plan is to not do the race. I'm pretty sure he doesn'tthink he can just and do that without being in better shape.
Also, he tells me he has no time for exercise. So I talked to him, just about how I have started making exercise a priority and how much it has helped. How I am putting it before house chores and talking with friends, and some of my sedentary activities; amd how I am giving it the same importance I gave school work when I was in college. If there's one thing he does, which is great, is he knows how to make school the #1 thing in his life, otherwise he wouldn't be where he's at. Bur still he tells me there's, just no time to exercise, while he's playing video games, or surfing the web.
This is not a case of me just getting on a health kick, and wanting him to come along. Its more about him sharing what will be my lifestyle the rest of my life, especially if we are done having kids. I don't think its wise that he has this frame of mind that he is going to be inactive and obese and every now and again just jump up and go on a hike to keep me quiet. Because one day it is going to be an activity where he will injury himself, and it misses the whole point of us sharing this lifestyle together. But truthfully, I can see he is not ready to live a healthier life (this includes diet too) and I have to accept I can not make him do that.
Ah, this is the real issue. And it's much more difficult to solve than the hiking one.
You are moving forward with changing your life, and he's sitting back in his old one. You are making changes, and he's barely even thinking about making them.
Google "stages of change" and read up on them. You are in the "action" stage, and it seems like he's still in "pre-contemplation: there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or underaware of their problems."
I know that frustration. My husband and I both need to lose weight, and we both are - but we can't do it together. It just doesn't work. The best help we can offer the other is getting out of each others way and weight loss.
When we try to "help" each other it backfires - because it feels like pushing (and when someone pushes you - even if it's the direction you were going anyway, the instinct is to push back).
Hubby and I have different goals, different motivations, and different paths to get there. We can't "do this together." Maybe some couples can, but I think it's rare, I've certainly talked to more couples exactly like us.
When we have tried to do it "together" we never had half the success as we have doing it on our own without pressure or prodding from the other.
I'm not saying we never do active things together, but it has to be very low key "non-agenda" stuff. The minute one of us makes it about "getting healthy together," instead of sharing a walk that we both want, it backfires. The minute it becomes about what goal we think the other should have for him or herself, is the minute it backfires.
When pursuing healthy lifestyles together, it's more about taking our own paths and encouraging each other on THAT path, not trying to get them to follow our own. They may choose a path we think is wrong, but it doesn't matter - it's their journey. Trying to do it "together" is like a three legged race with unmatched partners heading in different directions - it only ends up tripping both people up.
let him pick the hike he wants to do and if he really can't do it, he will quickly see that. i've been there done that. it doesn't take long no, you can't make him want to change the lifestyle. it's really hard when one person changes significantly, be it getting smaller or bigger. but he might change his mind when he sees whats out there as far as hiking, etc. and what he needs to do to get there.
Again thank you everyone who is responding. This post, I must say is perfect. I can't thank you enough for putting into to words what I was trying to say, but I guess missed.
Glad I could help! Now only if I had great advice regarding that problem...I don't really. I've been there though. My ex gained 100 lbs in the time I was with him. He was used to having a fit young guy metabolism and as he got older he continued to eat like he was still super active - even though he wasn't. I tried to support him but it didn't seem to matter. i cooked healthy vegetarian food, and he would eat it and follow it up with an entire bag of potato chips...or he would eat all 12 of the low fat whole wheat muffins i made for the week...or go to McDonald's at lunch and have 2 30 piece chicken nuggets and an extra large coke and a super sized fries.
We had a full gym in our condo but he complained about the hours and limited machines, so I joined a gym for us (which we couldn't afford back then as he was a student and I was just graduated - I qualified for a scholarship and even then barely could afford it). He went once in 3 years. I tried to set an example of walking our dog, going to the gym, it didn't matter. He sat home and was happy to watch tv. He was also one of those mean people who would make fun of people he saw running outdoors and trying to be fit and get into shape.
I think with him, he was so surprised that he became over weight that he just didn't know what to do. When I met him he weighed 130 lbs and was training for a marathon...he was 230 when we split up (at about 5'7). The shock of his body changing so much made him depressed, which made him binge eat and not want to go out of the house.
Obviously it doesn't sound like your husband has those issues, but while you can remind him you love him and worry about him, you probably can only go so far to motivate him. The best advice I can give is not wait around for him. You have your own goals and body to take care of. I wasted many years sitting on the couch next to my ex before I finally started going out on my own. When I signed up for my first yoga class he asked me if that meant I was leaving him. Sadly it did, and no, not because of his weight or lack of motivation, or depression, we had other issues I won't go in to. But it was just a sign that I wanted to lead my life for myself and not for him.
Keep asking your husband to join in your new healthy lifestyle...but if he isn't ready, keep chugging forward on your own. Hopefully you will inspire him to join in soon!
no, you can't make him want to change the lifestyle. it's really hard when one person changes significantly, be it getting smaller or bigger. but he might change his mind when he sees whats out there as far as hiking, etc. and what he needs to do to get there.
