Helloooooo ... is anyone out there?????
Hope everyone is doing ok. I lost 2.5lbs last week but it was a struggle!
Had a very depressing week which is the reason why I've not been around for a while. Had to go to Nick's company Christmas "do" on Saturday and spent about 4 hours in Marks & Spencer on Friday trying desperately to find something to wear!! Until now, I've always managed to find something to fit, even if I wasn't totally happy with it. Unfortunately, this time it was a BIG problem. M & S is just about the only shop in HK that sells clothes up to a size UK18 (occasionally 2 or 3 items in a size UK20). I couldn't believe it when I discovered that I could no longer fit into their size 18's. Eventually managed to find a pair of trousers to fit ... after several visits to the changing rooms!! ... But the tops had me near to tears!! ... the buttons gaped open or they were so tight and clingy that they showed every single lump and bump. Finally, after trying on about 20 tops (yes, 20!!) it was with great relief that I found a black crossover top which was quite smart and I couldn't get out of the store fast enough!!
Well, this episode is probably the wake-up call that I've been needing. I no longer have a choice but to get serious about losing weight. There are no longer any shops in HK where I can buy clothes to fit, so there is only one thing for it. I've actually felt physically sick all weekend when I've thought about what I went through ... I'm telling you, I was totally desperate and I don't want to go through that again.
To make me feel even worse (sorry girls, this is going to bore you but I need to get it off my chest!), Nick is doing a charity walk in March with some friends ... they have to have a team of four people, so along with Nick there's his friend and his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's friend (does that make sense?

). They started their team training on Sunday ... now normally when Nick goes walking he's out for a couple of hours ... However, on Sunday he was gone for 6 hours!!!! He gave me no reason to believe that he was going to be gone for so long and I spent all day Sunday waiting for him to come home ... I was furious!!

I wasted the whole day when I could have taken Sophie to the cinema or gone shopping! He wondered why I was so p***** o** with him when he came home! He did actually admit that he didn't realise himself that they would be gone for so long until they started, but he could have called me to let me know! Now, tell me I'm being stupid, but I've got this terrible feeling inside me ... jealousy!

I actually feel terribly jealous that he's walking with these other women ... I know I'm being stupid ... these women are also friends of mine (although not close friends) so I know there's nothing going on (I hope!), but I can't stop feeling this way. It's all my own fault ... If I was slim and fit, then I would be making up the foursome for the team ... but it's a very difficult walk and I simply wouldn't be able to cope with it. I'm feeling extremely insecure and all sorts of awful things are going through my mind ... I've never felt this way before and it's worrying! Has anyone else ever felt this way? ... Tell me I'm not going mad? Nick has never, ever given me cause to doubt him before ... and if I'm honest with myself, he's not giving me any now either ... but why do I feel this way???
Sorry girls about all the depression ... I really needed to vent!!
Nichola