Hi Girls,
First off, get ready for a super long post. You may want to grab yourself a coffee (to keep you awake!) and make sure you're in a comfy chair
I need to talk to you about something I have come to realize, and explain why you will be seeing less of me around here.
I wouldn't even bother posting this, but I have grown really close to you and appreciate the kindness and support I receive here so much. I especially want to say thank you for the acceptance you have all shown.
I don't really know where to start explaining what I am talking about, it is nothing bad, nor sad. But I feel like I need to explain to the best of my ability why I need to stop this obsession of mine.
I will quote a little from my diary entry this morning that I wrote on the train. To begin, last night I was saying a prayer before going to sleep, or rather just talking to God, myself, however you want to view it. I trying to figure out this weight "issue". It had dawned on me right there and then that I have spent almost half of my entire life spending just about every single day concerned with my body, what I am eating, how much I weigh. I suppose that would be okay if it led to a permanent change and it did not bother me. But that is not the case. I am worse off then when I started about 10 years ago. So much of my thought patterns is devoted to not only losing weight, but trying to figure out ways to "normalize" myself, eat "properly", stop binging and so on.
As of today, I give up dieting, trying to lose weight, thinking so much about the whole diet/health/exercise lifestyle - it has done nothing for me! I mean it - truly, madly, deeply. If I have spent so much time at it and have not got it right yet, it is never going to happen. It makes it eat more, I think about how I can do it, I struggle against my own body, it makes me depressed a lot, too. I especially can't force myself to undereat after reading "How to become Naturally Thin by Eating More" by Jean Antonello and being a part of that forum board. But even at that, an anti-diet approach, I don't want to be part of it either. I want
OUT,
I want my life back, I want freedom.
I want to pick up at 11 or 12 years old when I started with this whole 'eating less' ordeal (and I was sadly even a skinny to normal weight kid) but I thought cutting back to carrots and celery at lunch time would make me thinner - totally bizarre. I think MissyK, you quoted Geneen Roth saying "for every deprivation there is an equal and opposite binge." I testify to that 100%. I am curvy now and I didn't have to be - had I not interfered with my body's natural hunger and fullness signals I would probably be a good 20 pounds thinner because naturally I was never heavy.
I have given up dieting many time and tried to follow my own body's cues and it would work for awhile but something would eventually throw me off again. I was still obsessed with the idea of losing weight. This time is different for me. I don't give a sh*t anymore about this utter craziness (to me, not you guys - you are able to handle it much differently than me). I am forcing myself to give up every diet/food/exercise forum board that i belong to on the internet, as even the "healthy" ones have not helped me out. Well, many did teach me more about being different foods and the dangers/consequences of dieting and a lot of information health-wise. But, I think, sometimes you are better off knowing less. Stick to the basics. Yes, it is intriguing to me to learn the how's and why's of certain food combinations and so on, but the technicalities could drive one crazy. There is TOO much information and thinking rationally here, it is all a little crazy. I dont believe any of this will help me live a longer and healthier life, and there are many people who live into their 80's (that i know of) who didn't follow any wacko eating plan.
I am only speaking for me, I am not at all trying to insult anyone so please, I beg, do not take offense to this. If any of this leads to a healthy change in one's life than it is totally worth it - but it has only led me in a downward spiral.
But speaking of life just previously, I want to spend it learning
new things - not regurgitating and re-reading the same diet/anti-diet books that I know inside-out. I tend to do that a lot. My time is spent trying to motivate myself into it. I've made a decision and come **** or high water I am sticking to it. Next time I'm bored I'll instead pick up a geography book I have and learn something about the world, or any other of the really interesting books I have. Or finally sign up for those piano/painting/dancing/art lessons that I've always wanted to try out, and do something different, something a little scary thats outta the ordinary for me.
I am giving up my books on anything food/diet related. I am putting them away in my basement and forgetting about them (not like I havent practically memorized them!). This time it is me, myself and I and I trust whole heartedly that I have the strength to do this, because, also, I have no other choice if I want a life that I can enjoy. Basically, I'm going to move on in life as though there is no problem to fix, like it never existed. I have read enough on how to overcome the problem, but now I want to do it on my own and do it by forgetting it. If that makes sense...
When I came home and turned on my computer I struggled not to visit the other boards I frequent, but I had to write to you, my friends, and let you know that it has nothing to do with you, and I care deeply that you all do well. And for that reason, I will pop in here now and then to check up on you, or email you separately to catch up.
I should mention that I don't plan on eating myself to death or anything! Binging is not the way I want it at all, either. It is unnatural and unhealthy.
I know that by giving up dieting I will eventually lose weight because eating in and of itself does not cause weight gain, overeating and binging does though. But I am not concerned with that right now. Weight loss will come when it comes, if ever, and in the meantime I have to live with the person I am right now. But it can only get better b/c I feel amazing when I dont binge, and I only binge when I try to limit, therefore i will feel better immediately when I stop doing that. I should mention that so far today has gone totally different than a normal day. I got up started to make eggs and chicken bacon and my dad finished the cooking while I got ready for school. By the time I was ready I sat down and didn't really want it. I ate almost a whole egg and few bites of the chicken bacon, but it just had no appeal. I onlly had one hour of class so i quickly threw in my bad a nectarine and an apple. I was going to get a muffin near school, but they looked kinda stale so I passed and had the fruit. Went to the bakery when I was coming back home, got a bunch of stuff, and came home - didnt even eat right away, but when I eventually did I only had one freakin' sandwich. This is coming from a girl who eats everything when she can. But all day I refused to think about diet or food or exercise and suddenly it lost its control on me. I didnt not eat more b/c i want to "lose weight", I didnt eat more right then because I knew I can go back in one hour or whenever I am hungry again. I also got a free pound cake from the bakery which is still untouched. I know I will have a piece I'm sure, but when I really feel like it, which just isnt right now.
I understand that you guys are not at this frustration point, really a breaking point, where you need to let it go. You may never reach this point. And as long as things are working out for you and going according to plan and you don't mind doing it - all the power to you and there is no reason to change it. I am not saying this to try and influence any of you out of a diet lifestyle. I absolutely never impose my views on someone else, but you mean a lot to me and I want you to understand why I am giving up on it.
I apologize profusely for the way too lengthly post. I just want you to know that I am not leaving forever, and I will most certainly keep in touch, but for the sake of my sanity and my happiness, I am ready to move on to a phase in my life that does not revolve around or involve weight loss.
Much Love,
Cyndy
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