[Heyystacy]

Am I posting in the right place? Lol. If not, I'm sorry!
This is my first time joining any kind of community with a forum...or without, in fact; but I really am looking for support. Or others who are going through the same.

My name is Stacy. I'm a 21 year old female, living in Orlando Fl. I am currently unemployed and do some freelance photography and editing for extra income. I live with my boyfriend and roommate and weigh about 220 pounds.

Now that I am not working I'm starting to notice my weight more and it's become an unbearable thought in my head. Since I began dating my boyfriend(an old friend from middle school)8 months ago I put on about 30 pounds. I was still "obese" or "overweight" before that but it wasn't something on my mind everyday. I've always been big and never had a concern with being so until now. I've always longed to be thinner(but still thick) but never cared to do anything about it. In middle school I enjoyed track during summer camps and actually did notice some weight going down(averaging at about 130)but its hard to say how much, as I never paid much attention to it. When I got into high school I maintained about the same weight(150 or so) and again, never paid much attention to it. I got pregnant my senior year(sensitive topic, but feel its important to my weight story) and got up to 180ish pounds. From there my weight only weight only went up.

I was always an eater. I didn't know it then but I'm pretty sure I would binge. I know I ate a lot because of stress. I had a very difficult and emotional home life and when sad I would just eat as much as I could. I remember being 11 and...(well, this is embarassing but I have full faith I won't be made fun of. As I'm sure were all here for support..anywhere else I wouldn't post this so freely. I've also never told anyone this story) hanging around the kitchen, as my mother left to pick up my brother. I was supposed to be "watching" the food as it cooked. it was yellow rice with small wings and drum sticks cooked into it. I'm spanish and my mom usually always incorporated chicken and rice(cooked together) when food ran low. Anyway, I remember dipping my hands into the big pot and pulling out drumstick after drumstick...wing after wing.. and just eating them all, leaving the bones in the pot. My mom came home and I ran upstairs to my room. Of course when she found out I was punished and this is still a story my older brother tells to family and friends today. I don't think how knows how embarrassing or pathetic I feel when he tells it. My family is and was small(consisting of my older brother+3yrs,smaller brother-4yrs, my mother and whatever boyfriend she had living with us at the time) and we are not very good at communicating, talking, showing affection or the like. I find it hard to show my emotions in person. I wouldn't dare cry in front of a crowd or anything of the sort. My family is the same way. I wouldn't say my older brother and I completely hate each other but we rarely get a long. My worst breakdown moments as a kid were of him making "fat" jokes in front of his friends or using his nickname for me in front of anyone,(except my mom) "fatass". I've always wondered how all of this never made me MORE weight conscious, like being anorexic, or bulimic...but I was never that way. I would cry for an hour or so then forget.

When moving out I lost weight because of never having much money. I made just enough to cover bills and ate whatever my mom would drop off. Looking back, sometimes I wish I didn't have ANY money now or any way of buying food so that maybe I could lose the weight. But I do have unemployment and government help coming in until I start and finish schooling. My now boyfriend came into my life again about 10 months ago, he knew how hard things were for me and would visit me at work to drop off my favorite food, or money to pick up dinner on the way home...I guess that's how he won me. He cared a lot, despite my being big, about my getting food at least once a day. Now, the habit has stuck. I still only eat once a day or so, but I always have. As a child we didn't have entirely too much food and would eat once or twice a day(usually something like cereal or sandwiches then a big dinner before bed) so this was a normal routine for me. I've read about speeding up your metabolism by eating many small meals, but for me it was about actually having the food for the meals. I would eat what I could when I could because I didn't know where my next meal would come from. It's shameful to admit but that's the truth and it's also something I never told anyone, I guess it's my pride.

Has anyone here ever felt so uncomfortable in their own skin, to the point of just accepting it? It sounds like it doesn't make much sense but it's how I've been feeling. I have noticed so much, from lack of energy, joint pain, shortness of breath, uncomfortableness and just not enjoying doing things I've always liked. I don't ever go out anymore because I feel so self conscious. 80% of my wardrobe doesn't fit and it kills me to spend money(or even the task of shopping) on new clothes. I feel like my weight will take me away from my boyfriend(he's a very skinny and lanky guy but very active) because I don't want to interact or go out with people whereas he enjoys it. I don't like leaving my apartment, whereas I know he feels trapped. It's even hard to say that I panic about him even coming close to seeing me naked. I'm 3 times his size and I just can't see ANY reason for him to love my body. I fear what he sees will scar him on his vision of me.
I've decided to stop being depressed and take some kind of action. I know I can't go to a doctor(money reasons and was denied for Medicaid-they needed a doctors approval. Funny how that works) and be diagnosed when I know something is wrong with me. I have frequent migraines(about everyday) that can last for up to 2-3 days. I get horrible pains in parts of my body at random times as well as nausea and fevers from time to time. I went to an ER recently and had a pap smear so I know that part of me is checked but I know there's something wrong. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression and have mild panic attacks from time to time. My mother has MS and ignored it for years not wanting to see a doctor. I see her now and see myself with the same symptoms and it scares me. For this reason I've found it so hard to get up and exercise. It's a hard thing to do when your head is pounding or you feel faint and dizzy.
But I'm going to start. I have a reasonable income coming in for food and plan to eat right. I just know I have to make a change. The thing that worries me the most is motivation, or a support system. My best friend moved to another town and because I don't socialize I feel I have no one close to me except my boyfriend. That's why I came on here. Maybe with some support I can finally do something about my weight.
I'm not sure if I can, but I will try. I think I have to. If not now, when?

I'm sorry this was so long. I just felt like an introduction needed a background story. There is so much that goes into weight change. Eating habits, emotional issues...and I feel like its all a package. Thank you to whoever read

[aimeebell]

It sounds like you have plenty of motivation to lose the weight, now you just need to summons up the willpower to make it happen. I am more private in my weight loss efforts. The only person I will discuss it with is a good friend of mine who is also trying to lose weight. I like it better that way because nobody but me gets an opinion on it. So, if your biggest worry is motivation and a support system, think about it, it is all in YOU! YOU can do this. Nobody can do it for you. You will feel amazing when you do.
Welcome!

[Lovely]

Welcome to 3FC =)

Your story isn't unusual. There are definitely people here (me included) who've used food for emotional eating. Whose weight just went up and up.

It sounds like you have a very loving and supportive boyfriend. So clue him in to your plans. You want to get healthier. If he was helping you by dropping off food, he might be able to show his support by encouraging healthier choices now!

That being said, the big changes come from YOU. Don't fret. Not all changes have to happen at once, and little things do add up over time.

Let's see. How about some solid things?

Some people find that eating a few smaller meals a day helps them keep on track food-wise. More power to 'em. That being said... there's more than one way to skin a cat, and quite frankly the only right method is the method that works for you. If that means two meals a day, then you can and will definitely still lose weight. How often you eat does not determine how much you lose, rather it helps some people stay within their daily calories. That's it. Some people would overeat if they ate many small meals a day.

Going along that same idea that you know what kind of a plan works for your life...what can you commit to today?

Are you interested in watching what you eat? Maybe track down all the food you're having each day. Or decide to add in fruit and veggies as part of your big meal.

Are you interested in moving more? You don't have to run a marathon to be more active. It can be as simple as walking in place during commercials of a show, taking a stroll around the block, turning on some music and dancing alone in your room. You can park farther away from the store. You can choose to walk to the store to pick up that one item instead of drive. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Etc. Etc. Small ways to add activity into your day.

One day at a time. Pick small healthy things to do... and then when you're getting into the habit...build them up.

Most importantly, no matter what happens, no matter how often... pick yourself up and take another step forward. You will ALWAYS be glad you got back up and kept going. Always.

First things first. Start.

If you want ideas about what others are doing (for cheap!) to lose weight, have a look around. Ask! Post! Vent! Discuss!

Glad to have you join us. Hope to get to know you better along the way!

[Heyystacy]

Thank you both so much for the support. It means a lot.
I'm usually not so open with my trouble but found it easier to explain to strangers than family or friends.
My boyfriend is very supportive.. For the first time I actually spoke to him about my weight and how it's been bothering me. He reassured me I was beautiful and that he'd do whatever to help me. As in working out with me, helping me eat better or any of the sort. I didn't think he'd be that supportive but he was and I really feel that losing weight is a possibility now.

[allycat987]

Hi Stacy! My name is Ally and I'm a 23 year old grad student from Montreal, Canada. I can totally relate to a lot of the things you said! Last year I did an school exchange overseas and met someone. While I stand at 6'1'' and 220 lbs he's 6'4'' and 185 lbs. He's built like a Burberry model, slim waist, wide set shoulders and I have always thought that he is very out of my league. When we used to go out I was always self-conscious and would obsess over people thinking "what is he doing with her?". He's coming to visit this summer, and while I'm excited, i'm also extremely anxious and worry that he won't find me attractive. I also know how you feel about lack of support at home. I still feel shame and guilt when recalling my childhood eating habits and I was often punished by my overbearing mum for sneaking junk food. I also suffer from severe migraines and have been on medication for several years. It's hard to get motivated when you're tired and in pain, I hear you on that one. Maybe we could help eachother out? I'd be more than happy to offer my support while you work towards getting healthy and becoming happier with yourself. I know I definitely need the support!

[mhill0823]

Welcome!!!! Can't wait to see your success