Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God....'"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance couldn't cover the
surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back int o the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' that the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian"
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
"Dear Son, I"m not saying that you 'do' sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the
other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they
are still far away from the convent.
SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us
for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL : It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM : Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened
to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........
And those of you who thought it would be dirty, pray for forgiveness-- you heathens!
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wedding night came and the groom offered his new wife his pants. She says I can't wear these their too big. He says, "You'll never be able to fill those pants cause I am the man in the house" So she offered him her pants and told him to put them on. He says I can't get into these. She says, "You never will unless you change that attitude"
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... thought you might like to come...about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after
six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!" As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts ! to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some
fightin', too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh god... thank you, Kat. I needed that.
It's midnight. I've slept for two nights on a living room chair. Looks like this is going to be the third. I've been trying to get some sleep since 8 this evening, but my throat.... oooooooooooh my throat. I'm giving in... I'm going to the drop-in clinic tomorrow.
I've had a couple of shots of hard liquor. Maybe 3 shots. Nothing. Took 5 Advil. Nothing. Cough syrup that's supposed to cure every ailment on earth. Nothing. Been using my inhaler and drinking LOTS of water. Now I'm sipping hot honey and lemon. It's not working, but at least it's warm and I'm upright.
I know one kida like that
