Ok this may not go with all of the feminist talk going on, but I thought this was a really cute joke.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly, the skyclouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, awish you think would honor and glorify me!"
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
>A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. >
>A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
>
>The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
>
>Whose funeral is it?"
>
>The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband, my pit bull attacked and killed him. The second is my mother-in-law, she tried to stop the attack, and the pit bull killed her also."
>
>A poignant and thoughtful moment pass between the two women.
>
>"Can I borrow the dog?"
>
>"Get in line."
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
Two elderly ladies were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."
An elderly couple on a cruise were standing on the deck when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. After searching in vain for days, the captain sent the old man back to shore with a promise to notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a
fax: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her rear was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000, please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.."
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and
peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Volkswagen says,
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in **** I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But...Now that I've reached the ripe old age of (****your age here****) I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so f***'ing easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a god damed Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet
If we wanted to know something we had to go to the gosh darned with sprinkles on toped library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with apen!
And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the f***in' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the gosh darned with sprinkles on toped record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ' usually talked over the beginning and f*** it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn!
You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!
We didn't have fancy **** like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had theAtari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked!
Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screenforever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!....... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!
A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20channels and there was no on screen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
Remote, what remote??
You had to get off your fat *** and change the friggin channel!!!
CD's, DVD's, Webcams, Pentium IV What the f*** is
that............................
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...
...D'ya hear what the **** I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little *******s!
That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy!
You're spoiled, I swear to God!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1980!
OMG I feel old! Except instead of Atari we had an intellivision and computers ran on these things called floppy discs and you had to take them in and out to get the program to run! LOL!
