A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "Honey, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he
sat sipping his whiskey a young lady sat down next to
him. After a long silence she turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I
think about women. When I shower, watch TV, eat,
whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The old cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I
just found out I'm a lesbian.
A well-known and well-loved cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral, with many of his fellow MDs in attendance. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- See, I'm a gynecologist."
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young
stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress as Jennifer's mother's.
She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it
to the rehearsal dinner!"
(In case you're having issues with your beer, we've provided some
helpful
hints for your convenience. No need to thank us, just buy us a beer.)
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
HEHEHEHE....
