good ones

I love this one! thanks Noodles!
hey? when you coming back over to the Depression boards?
Cathy

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and
do no exercise at all."

"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old
are you?"

"Twenty-Four"

Seems at one point they had an argument and were going to court to settle the matter.

God didn't have an lawyers on staff.. The devil had millions of them.

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen De Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ........
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

yeah noodles is back let the jokes roll. hehe

Dave Barry
How Did We Survive Without Low-Carb Diets?
The Denver Post
Sunday, March 28, 2004


I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers,
but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid
things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right
from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with
your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with
helpful safety warnings such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER."

But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -
prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.

I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and
foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party,
and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix
record playing (a "record" was a primitive compact disc that operated by
static electricity). And then, when the mood was right, somebody
would say: "You wanna do some 'drates?" And the next thing you
know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or crackers,
or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths
and just...EAT them.

I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant.

It's not like now, when everybody knows how bad
carbohydrates are, and virtually every product is advertised as being
"low-carb," including beer, denture adhesives, floor wax, tires, life
insurance and Viagra.

Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!

Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified
of all carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at
a midtown Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their
wallets over to a man armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. ("Do
what he says! He has pasta!") The city of Beverly Hills has been
evacuated twice this month because of reports - false, thank heavens -
that terrorists had put a bagel in the water supply.

But as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the
danger of carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat
was from eating "calories," which are tiny units of measurement
that cause food to taste good. When we wanted to lose weight, we
went on low- calorie diets in which we ate only inedible foods such as
celery, which is actually a building material, and grapefruit,
which is nutritious but offers the same level of culinary
satisfaction as chewing on an Odor Eater.

The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal
human could stick to it for, at most, four hours, at which point he
or she would have no biological choice but to sneak out to the garage
and snork down an entire bag of Snickers, sometimes without
removing the wrappers. So nobody lost weight, and everybody felt
guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation, turned to disco.

But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented
the Atkins Diet: Dr. Something Atkins. After decades of research on
nutrition and weight gain - including the now-famous Hostess Ding
Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted in a laboratory rat the size
of a minivan - Dr. Atkins discovered an amazing thing: Calories don't
matter! What matter are carbohydrates.

Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that - incredible though it
seemed - as long as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without
guilt, eat high- fat, high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork
rinds and whale. You could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig
had not recently been exposed to bread.

At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as
Galileo and Eminem, Dr. Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility.
The low- calorie foods industry went after him big time. The
Celery Growers Association hired a detective to - yes - stalk him. His
car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police determined to be
shards of Melba toast.

But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream - a
dream that, some day, he would help the human race by selling it 427
million diet books. And he did, achieving vindication for his diet
before his tragic demise in an incident that the autopsy report
listed as "totally unrelated to the undigested 28-pound bacon
cheeseburger found in his stomach."

But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of
Americans to lose weight. The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at
actual Americans, who have, as a group, become so heavy that
North America will soon be underwater as far inland as Denver. Which
can only mean one thing: You people are still sneaking Snickers. You
should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?
_________________

Hysterical!