hubby says I'm too fat! - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

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Old 04-14-2003, 05:09 PM   #1  
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Default hubby says I'm too fat!

ok so I ask him why we don't have more sex and he says it's because I'm too heavy! That makes me so angry, but you know what. I'm going to keep losing this weight. I won't let my anger be a reason to overeat. Part of me just wants to get even tho!
Iam so hurt that he would say such a thing. He wonders why I don't dress sexy for him in the bedroom. Well duh? I don't want him to see my fat and loathe me! It's as simple as 2 plus 2 = 4. Ya can't tell a woman that her weight turns you off and then expect her to wear garters and negligees to bed. I mean am I wrong? Where is is this man missing it? When he says things like that it makes me want to losethe weight and then not let him have me. I know thats not right but boy I'm not a happy woman today ladies!
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Old 04-14-2003, 05:21 PM   #2  
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OH ((Wishing))! Sometimes men are real duffuses. Did he not realize he shot himself in the foot with that one? My plan--abstinence. Men HATE not having sex and boy you can throw the "fat" comment right back just like a gunslinger everytime he whines he isn't getting any. Luckily death looks from me often stop my dh from regretting what he says (I said often, not all the time because trust me he really knows how to be an idiot when he wants to be).

As for the fat" comment itself, that's his issue, not yours. You are and always will be the desireable woman you have always seen yourself to be, bar none. Glad to see it won't get you down, hold your head up--you are doing something for yourself to improve the quality of your life--eating OP!
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Old 04-14-2003, 06:57 PM   #3  
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Can you say Lorena Bobbitt? My bf doesn't make the fat comments anymore, since when we met I weighed 267, so I'm practically skinny now compared to then. He did call me a fat *** once, and I cried for 3 whole days. Now he knows better. I'm so sorry, it's hurtful when they blurt crap like that out. He's probably covering up the need for Viagra, if you ask me!!
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Old 04-14-2003, 08:03 PM   #4  
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Well, I am never one to keep my mouth shut.

My response immediately after doing the Lorena Bobbitt move (that was very good Sherrie!) would be, "honey? which hurt more....that or the lobotomy you must have had."


and then I would go run up the credit card bill....of course I would be nice enough to purchase him an ice pack.....I'm not totally cruel!

all the best to you!

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Old 04-14-2003, 08:30 PM   #5  
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Hun I have gotten those comments too. Abstinance does wonders!! "Not tonight I am too fat!" will make him realize what he has said!! But also speaking from experience my weight loss has not imporved my love life any!!! (He is not feeling good with him self) I even did some drastic moves, and had them thrown up in my face!!! I have now come to realize that anger does help with keeping the motivation going but do not let that be the reason for the goal. How you feel about your self and your goals is what will get you where you want to go!!
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Old 04-14-2003, 08:59 PM   #6  
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Tell him his Oscar is too short!
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Old 04-14-2003, 09:11 PM   #7  
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Tell him you can lose the weight....but he can't GAIN a BRAIN!!

I can't believe what comes out of some men's mouths!!

Miss D.
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Old 04-14-2003, 09:35 PM   #8  
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Many years ago (when my dh still had diarhea of the mouth) he hurt my feelings with his fat comments so much that I vowed I'd get the pounds off and I'D SHOW HIM!!!
So, I joined up with Diet Center and very quickly lost about 100 lb which made me almost svelte at that time. Funny thing happened though. Our love life didn't improve as I'd thought it might. Every time he came on to me, deep in my heart I was thinking "So what was I before...chopped liver?" The new slim me was putting up walls to protect the "real fat me". The lesson I learned was that I have to do it for myself, not to show somebody or to get revenge on somebody. If I don't feel good about myself as a fat woman, I won't feel much better about myself as a slim woman. Yes, it was wonderful to fit into the smaller clothes and I was thrilled when he was able to pick me up and carry me and totally awsome (and kinda scary) to have other men flirt with me. But, dh and I still had problems that had nothing to do with my weight and if I had thought that being slim would solve every problem in my life, I was horribly wrong. It just solved a few superficial problems and, of course, helps one's health, but it's not a marriage cure-all. I needed to know that he loved and desired me no matter how fat I got I got as fat as I possibly could (talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face ) to see if he'd still love me. Well, I guess he does but now I'm stuck with more than 100 lb to lose that I never should have gained in the first place. So you see, I lost weight AND I gained weight for all the wrong reasons.
Here's another tip. Heavy woman can look fabulous in those sexy bedroom garments. It's all in how you present yourself. If you're bold and cheeky and act like you're God's gift to mankind, you will be irresistable, no matter how heavy you are. If you're trying to hide under the covers and are afraid to expose any flesh because it ripples and bulges, you are going to come across as prude and cold. Confidence is everything. (I'm not speaking from experience here, I'm afraid. I wish.) I know this from talking to other brash and very sexy heavy women.
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Old 04-14-2003, 09:46 PM   #9  
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First <<<<HUGE HUGS>>>>> to you Wishing. I know the feelings you're experiencing right now all too well. And though the words hurt to know that someone you chose to spend your life with could be so shallow those are also just flat out fighting words!

My DH married a very thin woman and ended up with a chubby wife. His actions more than his words let me know that he didn't like it either. Instead of staying pissed off-I allowed what I felt was "rejection" to sink me into depression and further weight gain for a long time. I yo-yo'd with my eating plan and frame of mind. It seemed as tho as long as I was feeling "happier" in my marriage I could stay OP. His complaints were the same as your DH-no lingerie, showers and sharing of other "intimate" moments due to my insecurities with my physical appearance and his distaste of.

Both of our reactions almost ruined my marriage. Late last summer we had some serious decisions to make. I had to admit to myself that I had indeed changed due to my weight gain. ***Key note here - I HAD CHANGED DUE TO MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS MYSELF. DH's attitude only made things worse. I had changed in the way I carried myself, I became more reclusive, how I dressed, etc.. I had made up my mind he was ashamed of me and I lived my life that way - true or not. But I had to come to a point that I stopped letting him control or dictate if you will how I was going to feel about myself.

I made some decisions FOR ME. I finally started buckling down and doing what I know I needed to do to make ME feel good. I will admit that part of the decision was to have lipo and a TT. Even when I was a size 5-7 I had so much extra stomach skin from being a larger woman that I was very self concious-it was just easier to hide back then-lol.

So, why this long story from a chickie you don't even know??? Wishing, stay pissed off at DH! Stay determined for YOURSELF! Whatever emotions you feel---go with them and let them keep you going. But whatever you do ----- do it for you. Because you're worth it!

I was watching DH last night - standing in front of the tv in our bedroom - swooshing mouthwash - belly hanging over his shorts, hair wild, plumbers crack and all just thinking.......It's a good thing I love him just the way he is!


PS-Oh, by the way - DH has heard quite regularly the past three weeks - I don't care how long "it's" been - if you're not nicer to me "it" will be gone alot longer! Now that I've dropped about 20 lbs and had the procedures he's starting to get a bit nervous and making jokes that I'll prob leave him now that I've got a new body - Well, this coming from a man who a week before my surgery was joking that I wouldn't leave him cause I'd make some guy sick taking my clothes off in front of him! Pay backs are a *****!
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Old 04-14-2003, 10:54 PM   #10  
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Thank you thank you for all your well thought out answers. My dh says too that sexy is as sexy does and that he's seen many fat people on tv that look sexy and it's their attitude. Well while I believe that it's hard on the other hand, to have a sexy attitude when you know the man looking at you can't stand the fact that you are fat! As far as not letting him have sex, thats not an issue. He NEVER asks for sex! I'm the one asking. We have sex an average of once a month! He just doesn't seem to care!

I've been so depresssed today thinking about all this! Why can't I just say enough is enough and lose this weight. I thought about sittting down with him tonight and having a heart to heart talk but I don't know if that will help. I need his support and help if Iam to get this weight off!

What is wrong withme? I just eat and eat! I thought about calling my doctor today and making an appointment with her and then I thought, how would that help! I can talk till I'm blue in the face and it won't make me thin. I really think I may need a regimented diet with support groups to get this weight off! I am at my ropes end! I just feel like my dh should support me of all people! But no!

Oh you ladies hve just been too kind. Wow this board is supportive, I'm going to go back and read all your answers again! I need any help I can get!
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Old 04-14-2003, 11:34 PM   #11  
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I'll just say this......Im not married to the a$$ who treated me like dirt. Sabotaged every effort to lose weight, and refused to notice a 100lb loss when I finally made up MY mind to loose it for ME!!

So Wishing.......YOU are the most important person in the are your kids.....after that, you can think about your husband if he wants to stay around. YOU loose the weight for YOU and NO ONE else!

You want a regimented diet.....pick one. If your on Atkins, I will be more than happy to help you out. If you want or need more support, you know you have lots of it here, and we will all help where we can. Your not alone, and many of us, have been where you are now.

I read one of your posts a while ago about giving up losing weight, you were going to resign yourself to being fat and live with it. Well, I did that, and managed to get myself up to 300+lbs. I was depressed and sick all the time.
.....Dont give up on yourself, dont let dh stand in your way. Its up to you to make the decision for yourself.

Men can be so unbelievably stupid at times!! it for YOU and no one else. You can do day at a time.

You keep up the good work, and those 3 chips you had today, didnt blow your whole day!

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Old 04-14-2003, 11:37 PM   #12  
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Hun, I feel so bad for you, but you don't let it get you down! My husband said a fat comment about me a year ago that really hurt me!!! He didn't want me to meet his friends because he didn't want them to see how fat I was. He said it was because he didn't want them to say anything about me and then himself go off on them. I don't know. But we talked about it and our love life has never suffered!!!

Anyway, talk to your husband about it and about how it made you feel. And I agree, no sex for a LONG time!!!

Good luck,
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Old 04-15-2003, 12:14 AM   #13  
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wishing... this topic came up on another forum on 3fc the other day.. interesting comments.. and here's the link.

everyone here is right: do the weight loss thing for yourself, no one else. you are worth it, no matter what,
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Old 04-15-2003, 02:26 AM   #14  
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Thank you jiffy pop, I followed that thread and read it. I ask dh what he likes the most about me and he said that he liked how loving I am. He said one thing he has never doubted is my love for him. Well he shouldn't doubt it. My love is unconditional! Can I say the same about him? I don't know. I am definitely going to have a talk with him. I just have to pick the right time where he's not on the defense. I jsut want to somehow get across to him how much that hurts me and how much I need his support!

And Robin if you recall I did Atkins religiously for 2 months, not one morsel off the diet, and I only lost about 14 pounds and was tired all the time. Now I know that isn't too bad until you figure that the first 10 of that was lost inthe first 2 weeks and then the last 6 weeks Ionly lost another 4lbs. I jsut didn't think it was worht it for how tired it made me feel. But now I don't know Maybe I should give it a try again. I need to do some real soul searching I can tell!!!
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Old 04-15-2003, 08:06 AM   #15  
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Wishing, I know I'm not a lo carber, but I saw this and couldn't help but respond. I too have been on the receiving end of the "you're too fat to be attractive to me" issue. This from my now ex-husband many years ago. He really hurt me, too. There were so many other issues with the marriage, though. And I can't help but wonder if that isn't the case with you and your husband as well. However, my ex and I now have a very good friendship relationship. (Pardon me if this is rambling, I have a cold and I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense.) In the time that I've been divorced from him, he has established relationships with two other women. Get this... both of them were my height and !! my weight.

It occurs to me this morning (watch out, she's going into armchair psych mode) that there are men who are "rescuers." (There are women who do this too, but this is about men, right?) I think that the combination of that tendency to need to be needed and the real desire to help but not know how screws up how some men come accross in their relationships with overweight women. Not to mention the insecurity they feel. I honestly don't think that most men who end up saying those things mean it the way it comes out.

It seems to me that these men war inside with the need to love you as you are, fix things so you'll be happy (which in itself is a war of "do I feed her food so she's happy or tell her she needs to stay on a diet to be happy?"), or keep you fluffy so they don't have to worry about you running off with another guy (which they don't seem to realize we could do anyway).

Honestly, women in and of themselves are complex critters. ****, we don't even understand ourselves and why we do things. Pardon the phrase, but fat women are *really* complicated. We do things that just are freaking weird in the realm of behavior. We're self destructive, self hating, and yet struggling to get everyone around us to love us and respect us.

I have to ask myself, is it any wonder these poor guys just give up? They throw up their hands, blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and then realize they've said exactly the thing they shouldn't have.

I had to write an e-mail to my boyfriend the other day, telling him that I really didn't tell him how much I appreciated him often enough. He's no saint, I know that. But he has endured my emotional swings, my weight (hi and low), my struggle against myself, my tears, my battle to understand why I do the things I do.

Maybe sometimes we expect our men to understand us when we don't understand ourselves. We expect them to treat us with kindness and compassion when we won't treat ourselves that way. We want them to love us unconditionally, but we can't do that for ourselves. Is that truly fair?

Ok, sorry.. I think I'm done with this cold medicine induced philosophical ... whatever it is. *cough sneeze*

Sorry for butting in.

Last edited by RavenToy; 04-15-2003 at 09:40 AM.
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