Have read the new posts and re-read the whole post.
ItsMyTurn- I do appreciate the personal stories, I really do, I now they are not easy to share. After re-reading the post yet again I was taking what I wanted from it...
This all did start because of the news that I found out July 25..Slower at first ..just wasn't hungry, I was so bereft. Then as days went by I realized I wasn't eating and started to get a glimmer of hope. The less I eat the more hope I have. I think this is giving me something else to think about, something I am in control of. A big part of my mind is saying this is the silver lining of the horrible stuff. I think that is why I am afraid to start eating again, that I will loose total control and eat and eat and eat .
My mind still tells me that since I am so overweight I have time...time to let this be the focus of my mind so that I can get through the days. The smart alec part of my minds says that a woman weighing 266 ( 19 lbs down today) ,cannot starve. I also tell myself that I can stop at anytime, just not today.
When I write these things I question my logic...I guess that is why I ended up here in the first place...I just want to be in control SO BAD. I don't want to give up, I am afraid of eating and not eating.
Sorry if I am causing problems between members here..It was not at all my intent.
Pickes- you have a lot more on your plate than just your eating. IMO, the eating issue could be manifestation of the incredible stress you must be facing right now. Maybe parts of your life feel so out of control, you take comfort in controlling the eating aspect of it? I have an aunt who went through a situation similar to yours, and she was so ill from the stress she lost 50 pounds and most of her hair in two months. She was really, really sick.
I don't think you were trying to cause problems. Your first few posts set off some alarm signals in people (myself included!) because of how extreme it appears. Losing weight in a healthy way is something that people are very passionate about on 3FC, and when extreme diet plans/disordered eating patterns are being discussed, it brings out some very strong opinions.
I'm sure you know this already, but at 266 pounds or 90 pounds, if you're not eating you can become malnourished and very sick. It's more than just the weight loss... there are some many chemical processes in the body and brain that need food to be regulated and not eating can really, really hurt you in the long-term.
I hope that you find some peace and comfort during this stressful time. I'm sorry that not everyone saw your back story on your other thread (not that you need to explain it here, it's your business!)- it certainly has changed the lens through which I am commenting.
Take care of yourself. ((hugs))
Last edited by Tanna Banana; 08-11-2011 at 09:15 AM.
Pickes - I do understand, and having what you went through can make a person question themselves even more. You are right, it wasn't easy to share..there are family members that still don't know what we went through (the only advantage of living 3500 miles away)... but because I understand where you are at, and have been there (in different circumstances that caused it), I needed to try and appeal to you. When people screamed at me, it made that swirling thought process in my head even worse... no one ever appealed to me out of understanding/concern/experience... I was hoping if I did it would help you to see where you are at. The other stuff is of course way huge... but... as I found out... the eating disorder (and it is one even when we don't realize it) can cause long term damage to your body, as bad as what "your events" will have caused your heart. You are at a crossroads in your life now... not intended, but still a starting point has been placed before you... you have a TON to deal with... please don't hurt yourself along with it. You need to be #1 in your OWN life, because you deserve it :hugs:
I am amazed by how caring strangers can be. Thank you all for taking time to care.I feel a connection that I am not feeling in my life right now.
I admit I have started feeling concerned. Told myself I would have something when I came home from work. It's been 3 hours and almost ready for bed and have not eaten yet. I don't think I can make myself do it...Yesterday I was proud about that.
I am amazed by how caring strangers can be. Thank you all for taking time to care.I feel a connection that I am not feeling in my life right now.
I admit I have started feeling concerned. Told myself I would have something when I came home from work. It's been 3 hours and almost ready for bed and have not eaten yet. I don't think I can make myself do it...Yesterday I was proud about that.
Peace
That's what forums like this are for. To put yourself out there to be cared for and learn, and to care about,
and together with encouragement and research we help each other out of the holes we dig ourselves.
You just have to get past your new way of thinking eating is bad. Start out with a couple bites, handful of baby
carrots, small tuna sammich, just get something in there. You can beat this. We all believe that you can turn this
around with a positive push, and lose weight and be HEALTHY!
Pickles, you're going to kill yourself if you keep going down this road.
You've always tried the intense power-diets, right? The guilt ridden, self-hate inspired ones? They aren't a sustainable way to live, and that's why they don't work, you crash, and you gain back more than you lost.
I know what you're talking about when you mention winning, and having control over your body. You're only tricking yourself though. Your diet is founded in fear of your own lack of self control, and it's that fear that's taking control.
Moderation is key. If you really want to show how strong you are, that's the challenge you need to take on. There's something in between shoveling food in your mouth and starvation. If you keep doing what you're doing though, you will hurt yourself. There are innumerable long term health consequences you could be looking at if this continues.
Just curious is there a moderator for threads like this here? Maybe someone from the website can speak on healthy dieting for the author of this thread?
Pickes, I'm glad you found us. It's a good forum here, it's busy and knowledgeable and people offer lots of support. You sound stressed to bits and I am sending you lots of sympathy over the internet. I am really glad that you're responding to our posts here; even if it seems a bit strained, keep talking to us, hon.
Are you comfortable talking about the stressful event that set this off? My first suspicion was rape, as eating disorders are a very common reaction to rape and sexual assault, but then you said something about bad news, so I gather it's different. Whatever it is, it's evidently appalling. Is it something where there are dedicated support organisations out there, for instance bereavement helplines, domestic abuse, whatever is appropriate, and if so is that something you could use? What sort of support do you have for getting through it? Friends, family, a partner? Could you tell us a bit more about yourself, maybe? What sort of age are you, are you at school or working, do you live alone or with someone? Are you doing OK financially, can you afford food? Do you have any medical conditions? Do you drink or smoke, are you on any medication, prescribed or otherwise?
You also sound very panicked about taking control of your diet the only way you think will work. I know you're finding it hard to believe us, but do try to think a bit about why we're all saying that your approach gives the illusion of working short-term, but in the long term it doesn't work out. Lots of people here have "slow and steady wins the race" as a signature for a reason!
A lot of people here also ended up settling for slow weight loss after years or even decades of trying every single diet plan imaginable. The more you weigh, the easier it is to panic and think that you have so much to lose, it's unimaginable to try to lose it over several years, but as I said, ultra-fast weight loss is an illusion, there are lots of reasons why it doesn't work out.
There's a book a lot of people here recommend called Thin for Life. I haven't bought it yet, although it's available quite cheaply. You can read the first 80 pages in a preview on Google Books here. The book is about people who have successfully lost a large amount of weight and kept it off for a minimum of several years, and how they managed to do it. The one thing I always remember from reading that preview is when they say that if you have tried to lose weight a hundred times and put it back on again, you feel like a failure. Don't. You have actually amassed a huge amount of data on what does and doesn't work for you. You've become an expert in dieting. The hundred and first time *can* work, and it might not even be all that different from all the other methods you try. It certainly doesn't need to be something extreme.
I am unusual for this forum in being a first-time dieter. I was slim most of my life, then I developed ME/CFIDS when I was nineteen. The weight crept on over the years, sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly. I felt absolutely powerless to stop it. I'm severely physically disabled, I'm often struggling to get enough to eat - and incidentally, in the years when I had minimal support and didn't get enough meals in the day, I actually put on weight despite this. My GP at the time said my metabolism was shot. A few friends of mine in the same situation have also ended up putting on weight despite not getting enough to eat. Anyway, a lot of my weight gain was due to chaotic routines (sleep disorders like you've never seen) and memory loss (couldn't remember whether I'd eaten or not), plus ME/CFIDS is known for messing up your metabolism. I was vaguely keeping track of how many meals and snacks I ate in a day, but I felt ravenously hungry all the time and couldn't see that I had any other options.
Then one day a strange thing happened. My GP put me on pain meds that reduced my appetite. (It's even stranger as low-dose amitriptyline more commonly causes weight gain! But then it's also used to help sleep and it gave me insomnia, so I'm just weird.) I finally felt that I had the chance to try. I started off with a basic regime of skipping obvious culprits such as packets of crisps (chips in American), and trying to stick to soup or salad for lunch. After a week I started calorie counting using FitDay, and after a month, once I could feel my clothes getting looser, I bought a scale. I'm eating at a calorie deficit of 500, I very rarely get hungry apart from before meals, I'm losing a pound a week, and I am absolutely thrilled to bits. Because I'm not starving myself and am including nice little treats in my diet, willpower isn't really an issue. If I tried to starve myself, it absolutely would be, and I'd end up feeling miserable and hungry and then bingeing and feeling guilty and generally being a complete mess. I actually expected that to be the norm for all dieting, that was why I'd been putting it off, because I thought it would be nightmarishly difficult and miserable.
You know what? Going for slow weight loss is much easier, and it's comfortable, and just because it's not miserable doesn't mean that it doesn't count! You don't actually need to be using superhuman willpower to stay on the diet, and that's OK!
I know that right now slow weight loss doesn't seem like an option for you. Could you at least think about why you've chosen the path you're on at the moment? Tell us about how you've tried to diet in the past, and why you think it didn't work out for you those times. There are lots of ways to approach this problem, don't worry.
Anyway, you can edit the content of an individual comment, yes. You can't delete the entire post, though if it turns out to be necessary, you can ask a moderator to do that from you. Once you've deleted the content, it may be available through Google Cache, but I think someone would pretty much need to know exactly what words to search for in order to find it, so I don't know how easy it would be to find. Don't put up any personal details that put you at risk, don't put up your real name, blog name, email address, that sort of thing, and you can also garble words by exchanging letters, putting in numbers, e.g. Es0f1a.
Is it the sort of thing you can just explain very briefly, such as saying "I'm being stalked"? We don't necessarily need to know all the details, and indeed you have every right not to tell us if it's too personal or painful, but some idea of what is going on may be helpful to us in advising you.
You completely missed 'ItsMyTurn's point. She's talking about how this amazing feeling is behavior of someone with an eating disorder. It's not a good thing. You don't get it. You're in denial. You need to listen to these people. We're not trying to make you feel stupid, we're trying to help you make a smart choice and get help. You need help. Your eating choices are insane.
You asked for input and posters are unanimous in their concern for their health--but you refute everyone's advice. You feel you have the answers.
Why are you asking us for our opinions?
Everyone on this forum knows that healthy, lasting weight loss requires long-term commitment to changes in one's relationship with food. You are either mocking us or pushing your unhealthy views onto those who have worked hard to maintain or are currently working on healthy weight loss goals.
blueherron777. Really ??? I am neither mocking or pushing anything on anyone. I am sorry I don't seem to be "getting it" quick enough for you, I am trying my best.
Thanks for the advise, tips and answers to my questions.Thanks to those who cared.Congrats to those who have been able to regain control faster than I have.
I will continue to question what I am doing...I had that feeling at the start or I don't think I would have come looking for you..I will be doing it elsewhere as I am not willing to have my integrity questioned.
Good luck to all and continued success in your weightloss and lives.
I was going to say the same thing as melting. Youre body wont be able to handle eating regularly again once you start up. slowing your metabolism will not help lose weight either, itll make it harder! I went through a faze were i tried to eat as little as possible and would sometime binge if i ate bad. It sooo wasnt worth it. You should try eating as many veggies as you want and add in some chicken! this way youll be getting nutrients to keep you healthy and energetic and still very low cal
:hugs:
