Is there anyone else who is a survivor of an abusive relationship? Whether it was physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal? Do you feel it affected your eating and/or your self esteem?
With my ex it slowly crept up. We were together for about 13 years. I had always been kind of overweight but not like this! It seems to me that when his health began to spiral out of control, high blood pressure, overweight(6'4, 340 pounds) and smoking that he really began to lose it. He started blaming me and the kids for how horrible his life was, started regretting we ever even had them! (We have 5) And my self esteem went from normal to 0 over the period of a few years. He started getting emotionally abusive then it started slowly getting physical! The day he threatened to beat me up cause I had forgotten to put a non op on the car was the day i realized this wasn't going to get better and I needed to get me and the kids away from him and his uncontrollable anger!
I knew I never wanted my kids growing up thinking it was okay to let a man hit you or to threaten to hit you!! It is NOT OKAY to be scared in your own house!!! It was a tough decision to make and in the end he would not even go to counseling. He just got worse and at the height of our divorce threatened to show up at my moms funeral and cause trouble and also threatened my dad who is a vet and had lost half one foot to diabetes. He said he was going to cut off his other foot. My dad just laughed and said he'd be waiting!
My weight really soared and I managed to get up to 280 pounds without even noticing!! Anyhow I am in a much better place now with a man who loves me unconditionally and is the reason I actually started caring about myself and my health again. He made me feel beautiful even when I felt like a fat cow. He is wonderful, truly a gift from god.
happydaisy : My dad does. He passed on the next year though in the spring. He was a vet and had grown up in a rough neighborhood, getting involved in drugs and criminal activities before joining the service. He did spend some time in jail for bank robbery before giving his life over to the Lord. So some young punk kid wanting to chop his foot off was just plain funny to him! I'd personally be more scared of my dad. I wouldn't be surprised if he is haunting my ex even now. *smirks*
lizziness:
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i tend to attract abuse as well. started off young, around 12 and kept it going from there. sometimes i used to think - well as long as he doesn't hit me it's okay. Now, looking back on it I realize that isn't okay!
A lot of it had, and maybe still does, have to do with the fact that there is this little voice in my head saying - you're fat, you suck you should be lucky anyone wants to be with you at all. Even though I'm married for almost 5 years and we've been together for 7... there is still that little voice in my brain.
I can identify with that completely! My ex always had a bad temper and he would break things, windshields, hangers, his fist in a wall, etc and I always told myself well as long as it isn't me, etc. I should of seen early on though. I was like 3 months pg the first time he slapped me and that was before we were even married! I was scared and wanted out but I didn't want to go home either. I was more scared to go there. It didn't happen often. I think the next time was when a few years later when he got fired from his job and I was picking him up and the car wouldn't start. He got mad and slapped me! I was more embarrassed that people saw it!
He was also a truck driver and on the road most of the time so I do wonder how fast the marriage would of deteriorated had he been home all the time. He started getting abusive again around the time I got pg with our last one. Cause that was my fault ya know. I remember being scared he was going to hit me in the stomach he was acting so erratic! I remember waking up one nite with a fist in my face because he had missed his dentist apt by being OTR and they didn't have another slot open for him while he was home and his tooth was in pain and well you know that was my fault to. He didn't actually punch me but it scared the heck out of me!
Being with a guy since you are 16. Having 5 kids with someone. Being taught that marriage is supposed to be forever(I still believe it is but just with the right person) and it is a sin to get a divorce, etc. I knew I was still pretty and young enough, (I am 31 now) but I thought who the heck would want to be saddled with 5 kids not theirs and I had gained quite a bit of weight! I was like 250-260 at the time when Joe first came out(my new hubby). My confidence was completely destroyed. I thought I was the most hideous beast to walk the face of the earth. Thank goodness I met Joe and he helped me get thru all that. Even after he came out the pounds wound up creeping up but I was also going thru a divorce and dealing with two parents dying on me all at once plus working at a pizza place! Not good! Joe came out at the end of Oct 2004 and by the end of June of 2005 I had made a choice that I wanted to look great again. That I wanted to see in the mirror whatever it was that Joe seen that he thought was so beautiful and wonderful. I wanted to be healthy and not get sick and die like my parents did.
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For me, sometimes I think I'm looking for my husband to abuse me in some way. I keep waiting for it to happen, I question his motives, I instigate fights, I keep waiting for his temper to get out of control ... and sometimes I question if either of us is abusive to the other... I think once it's happened to you, you are always wary, always looking for it. I hope eventually it will fade away, but I won't count on it.
I know exactly what ya mean! Joe is so different it is amazing but you still get scared sometimes. I know last nite he was telling me I need to find him a dentist that is open on Sats and I have to admit I pulled away a bit and freaked a little. He was like, "What?" I can tell him anything and he knows all the crap with the ex but I just didn't say anything. I feel like I am overreacting ya know? lol I am here for ya if you ever need me hun!
almostheaven:
Did your uncle live with you? I am so sorry to hear that! I was molested as a child but do not remember who it was. I know how terrible that can be and I also feel that is what started my initial weight gain as a child. It was to protect myself. I also feel that now that I am losing it is because I feel I am in a safe place and after a lifetime of no one to protect me. I finally have my soulmate Joe. I feel completely safe with him. I hope you are not still stuck with your mom!
da fat n da furious:
I love your name!! I love the movie with vin!! That is quite a lot to go thru hun! I look at my life sometimes and I wish things had been different but I try to look at others' too and realize I am still fortunate. I am so sick of some men and where they think it is their right to touch a female or rape her. What the heck is wrong with society?!? When almost everyone you know or talk to has been abused in some way it is rediculous!! I am so glad you found a good man and are moving on. Counseling also helps. If you need me I am here for ya!
Sassy_Chick: That sounds like a nitemare. I hate it when family just can't be understanding. She sounds like a psycho chick and those two defo deserve each other!! Did they actually breed? hahahah
boiaby: Thanx for the links i will look at that this afternoon!
lilybelle:
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"My first XX-fiancee was emotionally abusive. He always told me what I could eat, and made fun of my weight. He's a Dr. now and his wife is a lot bigger than me. Good riddance to them both."
hahahah Maybe he should tell her it is unhealthy to be that fat! hahahahah
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My first husband, slapped my son very hard in Walmart while we were Christmas shopping.(I filed a restraining order). I told him to move out. He pushed me down the stairs while I was 4 months pregnant. I picked up a broom and beat the crap out of him. Haven't seen him since. Good riddance to him. My DD is 14 yrs. old and has never met him, her father.
I am so proud of you that is awesome!!! Some kids are defo better off not knowing their biological father!! Were you hurt when he pushed you down the stairs?? What a jerk!!!
I HATE men like that!!
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My next husband was verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive to me. I gained from 150 to 195 lbs. while we were together. He even went so far as to put a loaded gun in his mouth in bed one night because I wasn't wanting to have sex while he was drunk. I took the gun away and locked it up. I would have let him shoot his own sorry butt if the kids hadn't been there and it would have left a big mess to clean up.
No kidding! I remember my ex it was superbowl sunday with the raiders and they lost, he got really drunk and wanted to go home and shoot the tv. I was scared cause of the kids that he would accidentally kill one of us! I had to go home and hide it and wound up sleeping in one of the kids rooms!!
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The night I left him after only 3 months and 6 days of marriage, I went by his favorite bar to tell him 'adios" and caught him coming out of a motel room with his arm around another man.
Oh my gosh that is crazy!! Did you ever have any clue before then? You know I am here for you too!!
I am so glad you have finally met that special someone. That gives me hope that I will be okay this time too!!
jenne1017 : to you too. I hope you have dealt with your past and are having a brighter future!!
techwife: That is great! My youngest was 10 months old when joe came along so that is daddy to her too!! The next two youngest call him daddy half the time to and have completely accepted him as a dad.
707Goddess: SO glad you got out! I tried to run to Mt but my ex filed divorce and child custody in Ca and we were forced to come back! Joe came with us though and now we have to try to see if the court will allow us to move to mt. My ex doesnt even bother coming to visit them!! This is after dragging me thru the dirt for a year trying to get custody to get out of paying kid support!!
Canadian Mom:
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the first time I put my fist back and said I hope you swing faster and hit harder then I do
Wow! You are strong!! lol "The second time he pulled his fist back when I had both babies on my lap all i could do was cover them in case he hit me." What a jerk! What the heck is wrong with these guys? So glad you got away!
phantastica:
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I can't believe he said that to your father! And threatened to wreck a funeral, no less? Wow, glad he's gone!
Yeah it got really messy! The day we were burying my mom he was purposely sending cops to my house with false charges just to harass us1 I am so glad he is gone!!!
Yes I am finally in a place where life is stable and I can focus on ME! [/COLOR]
Okay well I hope I didn't miss anyone. We are all strong women and remember there is also strength in numbers! there is no reason for any of us to have to stay in a bad marriage or relationship! We have to think of ourselves and our kids first. *hugz* to all of you and if anyone needs me they are welcome to pm me. Anyone else out there who would like to join in and share their story? Just jump in!!
Thanks Jasmine, I think sometimes it helps us just to talk about what we have been through and overcome. I have always considered myself a survivor where men are concerned. If things get bad, I get out. I can take care of myself and my children and have gone it alone many times before. It just made me a stronger person.
Raised extremely Isolated I was VERY trusting, hense very naive. I believed whole heartedly peolpe meant what they said and had the best of intentions. At 22 I met and got involved with a very married man....He never mentioned this to me. When I found out, I tryed (in vain) to break it off. Sounds silly that I didn't, or couldn't, but he was 16 years my senior and I still believed him. He professed he told me straight away, I just wasn't listening...umm... sure! Ended up, he left his wife. They have a DD, she was 6 at the time. I had my 18 month old son from a previous relationship. My son was and stilll is relatively fragile. Born with sinusitus, chronic asthma, and extreme allergies. When this man offered for me to quit my 2 jobs and stay with my son having only to be his wife I was more than excited. I could care for my son full time!!! This came at a VERY heavy price. He was very strict with both children and made a very obvious difference between them. He controlled EVERYTHING. I had ZERO freedom. I was there to support him, his career, babysit his daughter, keep his house, entertain his friends, accompany him on his trips, etc. All while he told me how "lucky" I was. He "made" me into the respectable lady I was...I was just a run down waitress when he met me. He "saved" me....on and on. Bought me expensive jewelry KNOWING I would feel even more obligation to him. Would actually tell me I was "bought and paid for". Being the Trophy wife pressured me into a full blown eating disorder. He would "white glove" the house. Ask what I did all day but would never allow a job or god forbid school. Nothing more than an insecure control freak. Terrorizing everyone around him. I finally left after 6 years of this crap, intentionally waiting until my son was in school full time. I left with what I came with...minus alot of self-respect and dignity.
It took my poor DH 3 years to gain my trust...I still have plenty of issues, but thank the Lord my DH is very loving and very patient.
So many people tell me that I am such a strong person to have gone thru so much especially in such a short period of time. I look back and I wonder how I haven't completely cracked! Sometimes I have a good cry and a bit of a breakdown. Sometimes I get anxiety attacks and think I am losing everyone. I have a deep fear of abandonment! But my hubby and God are there to hold me together. If anything all this has been a wake up call to get healthy and enjoy life. With my ex I was depressed alot cause he was NEVER home. We never really got to play that "happy family". I always felt like I was waiting for him.
Now with Joe it is great. We enjoy even the simple things like taking the kids for a picnic at the park. Packing everyone in the car and going to the lake, or to see a drive in. Just eating dinner! It is like an actual family ya know
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Thanks Jasmine, I think sometimes it helps us just to talk about what we have been through and overcome. I have always considered myself a survivor where men are concerned. If things get bad, I get out.
That is great! It is hard to do that! I know with my ex I should of gotten out from the get go but unfortunately sometimes you have to pick between the lesser of two evils. For most of the marriage despite the flare ups here and there I did truly feel like he loved me and the kids. Toward the end when it got bad and the verbal abuse started and soon the physical started to happen I am proud of myself cause I did get us out of there. I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that was okay cause it isn't. I wanted my ex and I to get help and counseling but he didn't. That is okay. I am much happier for it! I am with a man who treats me like a princess. I never thought a guy could be so wonderful except when he was trying to get in your pants! You know what I mean! He is like this all the time! He is a few years younger than me yet way more mature than my ex and even me sometimes. He is responsible, thinks of us first. He was 25 when he met me and had about a dozen dead end relationships alread. Never once fell in love. As him and his friends got older and started settling down and having families, he felt left out and thought there wasn't anyone for him. He wanted to have a wife and kids and be part of a family. That worked out perfectly since we had been abandoned, IMO.
I could go on and on about Joe all day but I think you know what i mean. He is my soulmate and he feels the same way.
I've had two abusive relationships in my life. The first was when I was a Sr. in hi-school. My boyfriend was verbally abusive; incredibly jealous & possessive of me. We fought ALL the time. He started getting physical toward the end of our relationship, and anytime he'd slap or push me, I would slap or push back. It could have gotten REALLY BAD if I'd stayed with him. When I finally got away from him (graduation couldn't come fast enough for me!) I was ready to go a little wild. Nothing extreme, no drugs or anything, but I stayed out late & partied til 3 or 4 am, etc.
Then, in my mid 20's, when my 1st husband & I divorced, I was involved with another abuser. I was already in an emotional funk from my divorce. And this guy's jealousy & possessiveness was as bad as the hi-school jerk. It took me a while to get away from him, but I did it.
That's when I decided - NO MORE - EVER. I would never be somebody's "beotch" again. When I dated someone, if he even so much as looked at me cross-eyed, or ever dared call me a name or act all possessive of me, I cut it off IMMEDIATELY. I decided it was up to me to not put up with being treated like crap ever again. I began demanding respect from the men I dated. Then I met a really wonderful guy who showed me what respecting a woman truly means.
I married him. And never once has he ever acted all jealous or possessive and he has NEVER raised his voice to me or ever acted in anger toward me. This is one of the many reasons I love him so much.
I feel very strongly about today's women teaching the children of the future how to be respectful toward one another - & especially teaching little boys to be respectful of girls. If they grow up learning it, they will not stray from it when older.
Stevi-rocks: Aww hun! That is alot to go thru! I am so glad youn seen thru it and got out! It sounds like it was a very high price to pay. I know how it is wanting to stay home with your son. My ex wanted me to work ft and I put my foot down and said I would do no more than pt. He hated that. My new hubby wants me to stay home and take care of him and the kids but not so he can be controlling. That guy sounds like a pompous jerk!!! I am so glad you got away. Lose more weight and let him eat his heart out! I am glad you found someone special to be there for you. Has he remarried since??
Stevi. Just looked at your profile! We are both s.a.h.m. and we both live in cali! What part are you from. I live in the high desert, about 100 miles from L.A.
I married him. And never once has he ever acted all jealous or possessive and he has NEVER raised his voice to me or ever acted in anger toward me. This is one of the many reasons I love him so much.
That is such an awesome story! My new hubby is so nice it almost scares me sometimes. Does anyone else ever feel that way like you are just waiting to see if he is as perfect as he seems? lol
I do know he is alot different just in the way he handles things. My ex never knew how to fix anything so that would lead him to stress then to anger and I would have to feel like I needed to make the problem go away so he wouldn't get upset. My new hubby has been fixing things ever since he got here. When he gets stressed, he goes out for a smoke, thinks things out, comes back and fixes things. they just handle everything differently!
My husband and I love each other deeply, have a fairly functional marriage, but as individuals, we are about as dysfunctional as it can get...
My husband has a past history of abuse from his stepfather. He never learned how to handle emotions or what is the proper way to argue, express emotions, etc...
Well, from the spring of 2003, I started packing on the pounds...fairly quickly - I gained 100lbs in 17 months. I finally figured out through counseling and help with my emotional issues that I was in a self-destruct mode because I did not know how to handle my emotional reactions to my husband and I could not handle his emotional abuse. My husband has never laid a hand on me and won't ever do it because he is determined not to perpetuate abuse. However, he is very good at starting arguments and completely degrading one's self-worth until nothing is left...and he does it all without name-calling too... He was truly unaware that he was abusive to me and didn't know how to be any different.
Things have been much better for the past year and a half... we both go to counseling (together and individually) and we have learned better ways of problem-solving, discussing, compromising, etc. We have both had to accept that our emotional reaction can deeply affect the other person and also I have to keep in mind that Chris is still developing coping skills and that his upsets usually have nothing to do with me (so I shouldn't take most things personally). I have told him that if things go back to how they were, it doesn't matter how much I love him, but I can't live like that and I will not allow myself to be treated in such a manner. He has accepted this and has made a geniune effort to heal from his abuse. Things are good now. Thank god...I don't ever want to self-destruct with food again, and now that I know that happened, I can be more aware of it in the future.
I just wanted to share something that another 3fc'r shared with me once. It opened my eyes in more ways than I ever thought possible. So if you're in a relationship that just doesn't feel right, and you think that nobody else could possibly understand, believe me when I say, you're not alone.
I wanted to let everyone know that the links I posted earlier are working again, they just had some server problems today. So if you were interested in checking them out, please try again.
Sassy_Chick: That sounds like a nitemare. I hate it when family just can't be understanding. She sounds like a psycho chick and those two defo deserve each other!! Did they actually breed? hahahah
It was a nightmare, esp. since I was so young at the time and didn't really know what to do or where to go because the police wouldn't help! Yes those two definately deserve each other -- for sure! and yes they have bred!!!! Scary as it is! lol.
I'm glad it didn't work out with the Psycho! I am very thankful I met and married my husband, he is wonderful to me!
Lots of for everybody who has gone through any abuse.......
Did your uncle live with you? I am so sorry to hear that! I was molested as a child but do not remember who it was. I know how terrible that can be and I also feel that is what started my initial weight gain as a child. It was to protect myself. I also feel that now that I am losing it is because I feel I am in a safe place and after a lifetime of no one to protect me. I finally have my soulmate Joe. I feel completely safe with him. I hope you are not still stuck with your mom!
No, sadly enough, he had had all 5 of his children taken by the state for sexual abuse, had sexually abused his sister, and there were rumors within the family. And yet, mom had his girlfriend babysit us. So guess who let him in while mom was at work?
I recently moved back to my home state, but it was with the stipulation that there be a bit of distance from my mother this time. I can deal with her on a limited basis. Even when I got on my feet after my ex took off, I lived only 5 minutes from her, and my step-dad who isn't much better (he's another story entirely). So this time, I had my brother find me a rental before we moved here and had him keep it in his area...45 minutes from her. He can only take her in limited doses as well. Neither of us remember our childhood...at all. And neither of us know what happened with our dad, why they split, any of that...and they ain't talking and telling us.
Sarah, I love the pictures...you both look so happy.
With all the abuse I have endured I don't let it get me down, not now anyways. When I was depressed it was triggered by a few things happening in our family and I just couldn't deal with everything.
BUT I still see the golden lining in that cloud. It made me a softer person, you would never catch me crying, that just wasn't allowed in the house. I am more accepting of others. Maybe cause I have walked a mile in some pretty horrible shoes...?
Ive had numerous people think I came from a fantastic childhood, because of my personality, which is usually happy go lucky. Ive done many things (taken the bull by the horns so to speak) have many friends, and a forgiving heart. I did not seek justice in any of the people who abused me, I let the circle of life take care of that, *What comes around goes around*
Location: in your pantry... those cookies are in here somewhere.
Posts: 32
S/C/G: 250/250/150
Height: 5'7
Looking back on my life.. and I've done this many many times.. it always flashes like a neon sign in my head... I've lived with constant abuse.
from my mother who nearly daily tells me how much she wanted to abort me to my elder brothers and sister who treated me badly.. from growing up with the the same siblings developing drug addiction to watching the family fall apart because of it, to friends who were only friends because of what I could give them but ran out on me when I was left penniless to an emotional and sexually abusive spouse... I'm even a victim of my own doing. To write about what's happened in my life would take a whole year but to sum it all up.. the abuse in my life is also like what most of you have written.
Abuse.. such a small word that takes so much out of a person. Dignity, self-respect and self-worth and countless of other things. Often people dismiss it.. suck it up and be strong but do these people really know what its like to be on the recieving end? Personally, I don't think of myself as a victim because I've learned from those experiences. A lot of tears and a lot of heartache is nothing compared to an act of another that breaks the core of your humanity. However, with love and time.. it heals all. I thank God everyday for the very few people that saw me through those tough times in my life.. and I thank God for all the people who have helped each and everyone of you as well.
I wouldn't be surprised if he is haunting my ex even now. *smirks* 
I remember being scared he was going to hit me in the stomach he was acting so erratic! I remember waking up one nite with a fist in my face because he had missed his dentist apt by being OTR and they didn't have another slot open for him while he was home and his tooth was in pain and well you know that was my fault to. 
I hope you are not still stuck with your mom! 
What a jerk!!!
