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Old 10-17-2006, 03:05 PM   #1  
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Default Abusive Relationships?

Is there anyone else who is a survivor of an abusive relationship? Whether it was physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal? Do you feel it affected your eating and/or your self esteem?

With my ex it slowly crept up. We were together for about 13 years. I had always been kind of overweight but not like this! It seems to me that when his health began to spiral out of control, high blood pressure, overweight(6'4, 340 pounds) and smoking that he really began to lose it. He started blaming me and the kids for how horrible his life was, started regretting we ever even had them! (We have 5) And my self esteem went from normal to 0 over the period of a few years. He started getting emotionally abusive then it started slowly getting physical! The day he threatened to beat me up cause I had forgotten to put a non op on the car was the day i realized this wasn't going to get better and I needed to get me and the kids away from him and his uncontrollable anger!

I knew I never wanted my kids growing up thinking it was okay to let a man hit you or to threaten to hit you!! It is NOT OKAY to be scared in your own house!!! It was a tough decision to make and in the end he would not even go to counseling. He just got worse and at the height of our divorce threatened to show up at my moms funeral and cause trouble and also threatened my dad who is a vet and had lost half one foot to diabetes. He said he was going to cut off his other foot. My dad just laughed and said he'd be waiting!

My weight really soared and I managed to get up to 280 pounds without even noticing!! Anyhow I am in a much better place now with a man who loves me unconditionally and is the reason I actually started caring about myself and my health again. He made me feel beautiful even when I felt like a fat cow. He is wonderful, truly a gift from god.

Anyone else got a story? Feel free to share!
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:15 PM   #2  
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I can't believe he said that to your father! And threatened to wreck a funeral, no less? Wow, glad he's gone!

I know for sure it's nearly impossible to lose weight when you're dealing with high levels of stress and volatile behavior. Weight loss only happens for me when I have all my ducks in a row - minimal emotional stress, healthy boundaries with other family members, stable employment, comfortable home life, etc.
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:15 PM   #3  
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Well, I've shown a tendancy toward unhealthy relationships. STarting at 13. I wish my parents had distracted me from that boy... I mean, at 13, having a boyfriend that's 15, drinking and smoking. I can't imagine letting my daughter even socialize with him, much less think it's okay to have him as a boyfriend.

Anyhow...I had another horrible relationship that hadn't become physically abusive, but emotional, verbally, financially, etc. It WOULD have become physically abusive if I hadn't called my sister crying and she called my parents to tell them they were being neglectful in telling me that once I moved out, I could never come home. I was 22 years old at the time. Anyhow...I wasn't married until I was 35 and had one relationship after another where I was just being used and dumped...used and dumped. I didn't think I would EVER find a nice guy. But I did .

Did all the men in my life effect my self esteem? ABSOLUTELY!! I downright sometimes hate myself. Lots of green tea helps tremendously. I don't know why, but when I take my vitamins and drink lots of green tea, I'm on top of the world. Did it effect my weight? No, but my daughter's paternal family did. I gained 50 lbs in a year and a half going through family court with them trying to get visitation (having my send my, then, 5-year-old on a plane to Florida all alone because they're JERKS! They lost. Case closed). I was SOOOO stressed out.

Hope that answers the question...you're not alone.
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:29 PM   #4  
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Techwife, How did your ex get custody? Sounds like a nightmare.
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:38 PM   #5  
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The father of my first 2 was financially and almost physically but I left before he hit me. He was (may still be ) a gambler. I was 21 when I left him and had a 1 and 2 year old. He thretened to hit me a coulple of times - the first time I put my fist back and said I hope you swing faster and hit harder then I do. The second time he pulled his fist back when I had both babies on my lap all i could do was cover them in case he hit me. Nedless to say I left. Now he doesn't see the kids. He says I stop him but he stopped coming about 4.5 years ago.
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:39 PM   #6  
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Yep been through it physical, sexual, emotional, And verbal i was with him from 16 (had our 1st baby) to 25 i've lived in batter womans shealtors and he would just keep finding me so one day i grabed my kids and ran 500 miles with nothing but a few paychecks i had saved up and our jackets
now that was 9 years ago and i belive this it has made me one **** of a strong woman... me and the kids are and have been very happy i found a wonderful man who had to break down a few walls around my heart just to get close to me
we are going on 6 year wedding anniv 12/05/2006
And to answer you yes it hurts when your told daily how fat and ugly you are and no one would want you with kids, i think thats why im so hard on myself when it comes to weight i dont ever wanna hear that hurt again and i KNOW i never will
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:43 PM   #7  
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Carol: He never got custody...the grandparents were trying to gain grandparents rights and lost. The father is non-existent. The epitome of deadbead dad and hasn't been seen in 6 1/2 years. At least that's over...and my daughter has a fantastic relationship with my husband and he's always been daddy to her since she was about 3. Its all in the past and I have half the weight I gained from the stress of it all gone...just 25 lbs to go!!
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:45 PM   #8  
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707: Wow...that must really be YOU in your avatar. You certainly sound like Superwoman to me!! Good for ou!!
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:46 PM   #9  
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Yes, I am and yes, it has.

Food is comfort and was before and is now...even so many years after. It was the my "friend" during a dark time...
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Old 10-17-2006, 04:01 PM   #10  
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My first X-fiancee was emotionally abusive. He always told me what I could eat, and made fun of my weight. He's a Dr. now and his wife is a lot bigger than me. Good riddance to them both.
My first husband, slapped my son very hard in Walmart while we were Christmas shopping.(I filed a restraining order). I told him to move out. He pushed me down the stairs while I was 4 months pregnant. I picked up a broom and beat the crap out of him. Haven't seen him since. Good riddance to him. My DD is 14 yrs. old and has never met him, her father.
My next husband was verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive to me. I gained from 150 to 195 lbs. while we were together. He even went so far as to put a loaded gun in his mouth in bed one night because I wasn't wanting to have sex while he was drunk. I took the gun away and locked it up. I would have let him shoot his own sorry butt if the kids hadn't been there and it would have left a big mess to clean up. The night I left him after only 3 months and 6 days of marriage, I went by his favorite bar to tell him 'adios" and caught him coming out of a motel room with his arm around another man.

I have now met and married again and am happy. I love my DH. Life has calmed down a lot for me and my wt. is now under control. We have been married for 9 yrs. and my kids love their step-dad and both of them think of his as their father.
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Old 10-17-2006, 09:51 PM   #11  
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I just wanted to share something that another 3fc'r shared with me once. It opened my eyes in more ways than I ever thought possible. So if you're in a relationship that just doesn't feel right, and you think that nobody else could possibly understand, believe me when I say, you're not alone.

Dr. Irene's Catbox Forum

Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Website

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Old 10-17-2006, 10:18 PM   #12  
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When I was 16, my 1st boyfriend was abusive, both emotionally and physically. He had a very very bad temper and was also abused himself by his own father which I witnessed. It scared me to see his father "lose it" like that.

One time my bf and I were arguing and he went to hit me, luckily his mom walked in at the time and got in between us and stopped him. That should should have been a MAJOR FLASHING warning sign to me, but nope. He never actually "hit" me, but he would grab me hard enough to leave bruising and he did push me a couple times.

It got bad to worse and finally I had enough one day and that was it. Well or so I thought. After that he would follow me when I was out driving somewhere, he would always find me, he would always be with a group of people, including his fiance at the time, they would be yelling out the window that they wanted to beat my well you know. They would even drive by my house, which wasn't near his at all and yell out the window dirogative things, they would yell it loud enough for my hard of hearing father who was watching the tv at a very high volume to hear it himself!

Yes I went to the cops several times they would do nothing about it because they said they would have to catch him doing it before they could do anything about it.

They even followed my friend when she was driving once, we went straight to the cops and again they would do nothing, even with my friend being a witness to it. (they would usually just do it when I was alone)

Finally I had enough and my dad did too and he called him and told him to stop following me or else he would be dealing with my dad every single day. It finally stopped!

It did affect me and my weight, only the reverse. I wouldn't eat. My mom would have to force me to eat. My stomach would always be so upset that I could not eat. Later on I found out I had 7 ulcers I beleive this experience contributed to that for sure.

Eventually I started dating someone else and once my ex and his fiance saw us and began following my new boyfriend and me!!! (my bf was driving at the time!) He slowed down and they finally passed!

I did have a confrontation with them, with my cousin and his girlfriend (also my friend) present. My ex's fiance talked the whole time. I told her I didn't understand why they were following me or even bothering me because I never bothered them. She kept saying she didn't like how "my ex" was "treated". How HE was treated?????? I didn't say anything to that because it would have caused a HUGE argument, but I just said, "Stay away from me and I'll do the same." She promised they would and she even said, "Maybe someday we'll be friends" I was thinking, "R U nuts lady?"

After that I never had a problem with them again. Fast forward years later and they showed up at my grandmother's funeral. They are friends with my cousin and I told my cousin after my ex and I broke up that I didn't mind they were friends because it was my ex and I that broke up, not him and his friend. (my cousin asked me if it was okay to still be friends with my ex) My cousin did ask me how I felt about my ex and his wife being at our grandmother's funeral. I said I didn't mind because after all he is friends with him, but that I didnt' want anything to do with my ex and his wife.

The funeral went fine, my ex even said HI to me. But it was afterward. Everybody came to my mom's house after, including my ex and his fiance. I thought that was a bit much. I wasn't comfortable with that, but said nothing to them.

Then after they were already there, my cousin's wife came up to me and said, "I told them it was okay to come, is it okay?" I just said, "Well its too late now." I totally ignored my ex and his wife. I felt like I didn't invite them into my mother's home and I didn't have to speak to them. They didn't stay long and eventually left.

I don't have a problem with them, but I will never forget what they both put me through. I have forgiven them but will never forget it and I'm not comfortable being around them. I just am not. But I don't have a problem with them being friends with my cousin and his wife. That is their perogative. I just choose not to socialize with my ex and his wife.

Sorry this got so long!!!!!!

Great Thread!

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Old 10-17-2006, 11:15 PM   #13  
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I feel like I could be the poster child for abuse.

It started the day my dad found out my mom was pregnant with me, he beat her hoping she would miscarry.
They split up when I was 18 months old. I went to live with my grandparents.
3 yrs old I was sexually abused by my uncle. (years later I found out I was one of 4 nieces abused)
From the time age 3 to 4.5 I was physically abused by another uncle. He would torture me when he could. So many trips to the emergency room.

4.5 to 5 I lived with my mom and her new husband. He would beat me with a belt, (he didn't want anotehr man's child to raise) I have a scar on my wrist from him holding it to a wood stove, 33 yrs later. My mom left him when he started hitting her.

I had to go back to live with my grandparents,,,and the uncles. My grandma died when I was 6 yrs old. I then got shuffled around for a few months. And eventually lived with my oldest uncle (who was a good man) and his wife and 3 small children. I would babysit for her so she could go and get groceries. During one of her trips, a friend of the family stopped by. Think the worst and that is what happened. And being so used to be abused I was scared of being in trouble of getting blood on a face cloth. (never said a word of this for 20 yrs, and in therapy)

I spent a year in the hospital sick with tonsilitous, they were so infected it poisoned my whole body(intestines). I almost died (yet again) and was given my last rite.

Came out,,went to live with my mom and her boyfriend (whom she later married) the sexual abuse didn't start till I was 8 years old. And went on till I was 15.
13 yrs old I beat a boy up for snapping my bra strap in school. Broke his nose and loosen all his front teeth. I was reported from that incident of having a violent temper. This temper carried through to dealing with the uncles. By 15 I had beaten both of them up pretty bad. And never once had a problem with them again. This rampage also includes my step father. He had to be hospitalized. Where was my mom? Well she was busy...working...as a child care worker....*snort Ironic eh? Her only words of the whole thing was I made this up and I was just like my (birth) father and being violent.
The boyfriends....
15 yrs old-first one tried to knock me around,,,I think I rattled his birdcage pretty bad, we didn't last.... but from what I heard, his next girlfriend had alot of bruises.
16th birthday, was drunk and best friends older brother took advantage of that.
17 yrs, I had to wear long sleaved sweaters, he was just a spoiled nasty boy. I couldn't break up with him,,,he was always threatening me with something, hurting himself/my little brothers/ his little brothers. He broke up with me at my best friends funeral. Figured that out myself when I saw him making out with someone else the day before.
I left home weeks after that. I wasn't done school so I did that on my own, working to pay rent by bartending (underage-but looked older) at night.
I graduated, not top of the class as I was before. But still did it. And found a good man, (21 yrs later we are still together) we have 2 boys.

My weight flucuated from super skinny to chubby. School pictures show that.
But after both pregnancies I gained, and gained more. Im more then double my weight of pre pregnancy. I buried alot of pain,,,with food yes. In my family there has to be something you use to help bury your problems I use food. The rest of them use booze and drugs. I tried using those but it wasn't my thing.
Then at age 27 everything blew up in my/our faces. I spiraled down into a deep depression. I took my antidepressents, and went into therapy. I lost most of my weight 70 lbs. We moved here, I hated it here, and gained it all back. Im an emotional eater. And am now in a Weight loss program, with councelling from a Dr.
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Old 10-17-2006, 11:27 PM   #14  
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A different spin on it...

Emotional abuse by my mother with sexual abuse by an uncle. To this day, my mom still thinks she's in some kinda competition with me, and refuses to acknowledge what my uncle did. But I spent about 9 years away from the family and have had a lot of counseling and have learned how to handle her better, how to not let her get to me. I could tell when I first moved back here, I almost moved back into some of my old eating patterns...but never gave up on the exercise. But she didn't get her hooks into me this time.

My ex was abusive as well, but I didn't stick around for it like many people will do and get brainwashed into staying. Afterall, he couldn't hurt me nearly as much as my own family. I didn't really pack on my weight though until I was divorcing...and living with my mother.
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Old 10-18-2006, 12:25 AM   #15  
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i tend to attract abuse as well. started off young, around 12 and kept it going from there. sometimes i used to think - well as long as he doesn't hit me it's okay. Now, looking back on it I realize that isn't okay!
A lot of it had, and maybe still does, have to do with the fact that there is this little voice in my head saying - you're fat, you suck you should be lucky anyone wants to be with you at all. Even though I'm married for almost 5 years and we've been together for 7... there is still that little voice in my brain.
Because of abuse I was anorexic in middle school, and because of abuse I gained a ton of weight, which now I am struggling to lose. It's kind of weird how you can take things inside yourself and abuse yourself too. It's sad really.

For me, sometimes I think I'm looking for my husband to abuse me in some way. I keep waiting for it to happen, I question his motives, I instigate fights, I keep waiting for his temper to get out of control ... and sometimes I question if either of us is abusive to the other... I think once it's happened to you, you are always wary, always looking for it. I hope eventually it will fade away, but I won't count on it.
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