In response to Bird Lady on how old I am, i amq 25 years old and a stay at home mom of 2. I am more in the old fashioned way of I wake up every morning at 6:00am with him to make his lunch(don't do it the night before because he likes me getting up wit him),regardless of how many times our baby would wake up. I might add he has never gotten up with any of the kids and has only changed 1 diaper on each kid!!!! I don't ***** at him for that (pick my battles right).
And in response to kaplods...I agree with some stuff you are saying
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And where it counts, it keeps getting better and better.
That is my husband and I. On another note
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Personally, my honest opinion is that throwing his card away, sleeping apart even when he asked you to come to bed were punishments exceeding the crime.
I know two wrongs don't make a right, but at the same time knowing my husband the reason why he was so eager for me to go to bed was because he would have tried to "get it on", thinking that would make it all better. I wasn't in the mood to have to go through that with him, I just needed sometime to myself. And sleeping apart one night isn't going to break our marriage.and a couple of times you are bringing up your parents
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My mother has tortured my father over these kinds of things things their entire marriage (42 years so far). When he forgot, she was nasty about it. When he remembered, but she felt the gift wasn't appropriate, she was nasty about it, and when he got it right, she accused him of getting help from us kids.
and
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I really urge you to talk to him to resolve this, because these family dramas really hurt the kids. My dad was totally useless in the remembering gift days area, and it made my mother furious (though they never slept apart). It's probably why I don't remember such dates so well myself -- They were a nightmare, and we were always caught in the middle, not fully realizing why Mom was so mad at Dad for forgetting, and afraid to help Dad remember (if we got caught at it, we'd ALL be in trouble) but afraid not to (she'd actually tell us not to tell dad her birthday was coming up because she wanted to "see if he remembers on his own this year"). I still get a knot in my stomache thinking about it.
well you say you urge me to talk to him why do you think I did what I did and why do you think I posted this topic because for four years of talking to him and telling him how much it would be nice and it hasn't changed anything.
If he actually REMEMBERED and didn't get me a card I wouldn't have posted it. But where does that show about the small things that matter to me. Yeah I know he could be beating me and bringing drugs into the house and it be a lot worse....well remember that the next time your hubby does something to upset you that you have tried to work out, if that is the way you should always think then none of us should ever be getting upset with our spouses.
Our marriage is not on the verge of divorce not even close, but I posted this topic to see what else I could do because talking to him for the past four years hasn't done anything, which is what most of you have suggested or by reminding him and telling him what I want. So I was sick and tired of it and yes I did what I did. Yes he supports us and takes good care of us....but he also never really does anything special once in a while. Like give me a back rub, give me a break and bath the kids, make supper, do any laundry , even on his six days off he doesn't get up with the kids in the middle of the night or rarely gets up with them and let me sleep in once in a while.....so pardon me for wanting him to remember our anniversary and get me a stinkin card!!!!!!
...so pardon me for wanting him to remember our anniversary and get me a stinkin card!!!!!!
Lindsay,
IMHO, if you wanted to vent, just say so The women who responded have given you some solid advice earned after years of experience. No need to get so upset... it's just anonymous advice, take it with a grain of salt if you wish!
Personally, if I were you, I would be mad too. I'm a bit OCD about cards, important days, etc. But a lot of men are not good like that... I had an ex-BF who for our anniversary, gave me a spider plant clipping in a pot that he snipped off his parents' houseplant, because I had said it'd be nice to have a plant. This was after I took us out to a fancy Italian restaurant with a piano bar (my treat) and gave him a pricey pocket-watch. I guess I should have been glad I got something but I was, er, underwhelmed.
I think you are faced with a couple options here really:
* Set up your own celebrations and tell him you have done so you have some special time together.
* Set them up with his input, be pro-active basically.
* Talk with him and really stress how important this is to you (sounds like this is a no-go based on your past.)
I know none of these ideas are as appealing as just having him "get it" and start remembering, and being spontaneously romantic. But reality is, you gotta deal with what man you have
As far as the trying to get you into bed thing that night, most (if not all) men consider sex a form of communication, not just a very pleasurable act. (I can hear you scoffing, heh!) He might have wanted to show he was sorry... or, maybe, just smooth things over. It could have been the easy way out, or it might not have been. Of course, you know him best...
Guess it all boils down to that old saying: you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
You may have asked for advice, but I'm thinking you really wanted validation and commiseration. Yes, you had a right to be angry, and many of us have had very similar experiences to share. If this is true, then you need to ask for what you REALLY want, if you can't do it here, how are you going to do it at home.
You need to ask and even demand what you want, and if you can keep from getting angry while you make the requests and demands, you'll find more often than not you will get what you want, and he may even surprise you, once he "gets it."
I try not to give advice unless it's asked for, and even then I'm learning that I probably should just keep my mouth (or fingers) shut. Especially on these boards, because there's never enough information to really give an informed opinion that can be truly helpful.
All of us have different priorities and values, so we can only speak, truthfully, for ourselves. For myself, the card wouldn't have been an issue, but never having helped with the kids, that would have been a huge issue. From my perspective, I would say you picked the wrong battle, because helping with the kids isn't just for you, it's not even just for the kids, it's for him as well. Changing a diaper may not SEEM like an important bonding experience, but in the scheme of things, it really is.
I like what another poster said about "training" a husband. Men are taught to think about themselves first, and even those they love second. We are taught to put ourselves last, and as we get older the list of people ahead of us just keeps growing and growing. Both men and women need to be trained to meet in the middle more often.
When I first married, the more I did for my husband, the less he did for me, and I thought WHOA where did my romantic fiance go, and why did he leave this JERK in his place?
I guess he thought the housecleaning fairy was showing up, because he never thought about how the work was getting done. He asked why I didn't ASK for his help. One of his favorite expressions even now, is "WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK."
I too thought it "didn't count" if I had to ask. But I got so sick of doing it for myself that I started asking and even telling. "I need you to...." - "I want you to...." - and even "DO IT NOW."
It was very difficult for me at first, because I didn't want to be "the boss," anymore than I wanted my husband to be. He had always called me "the boss" to his friends, and it irritated me to no end, until I realized he really wanted me to be. He actually sees his job as making me happy, but he'll admit he doesn't have a clue how to do it, unless I tell him.
I felt like an idiot at first (and his momma), but it got easier, and he started to do more of it on his own. And now he grins like a five year old when he does - on his own - something he knows I'll like.
It's funny - I didn't have to "train" him to bring home roses for no special occasion, but I did have to "train" him to rinse the sink after shaving. And I literally had to do it like you would a 5 year old. Asking him (even though I could have done it myself since I was standing there) to come back and rinse the sink. And praising him for it (even though the first time I had to rinse it again because he missed a good deal of it).
On a side note, as to your husband wanting sex all of the time, it may not be the amount of sex, but that he is always the initiator. He may be needing reassurance that YOU find him attractive. I know this has been an issue in my marriage, but in reverse. My husband is the one with the lower sex drive, and he was perfectly content with me being the initiator all the time, but I wasn't. It made me feel like he didn't find me all that attractive, especially because I was rejected more often than not, which only made me more sexually aggressive, but more unhappy about it.
I don't know if any of this applies to your life, so I contribute it in the spirit of "for what it's worth."
I definately agree that marriage is training each other. It reminds me early in our marriage (the first year) my husband (the romantic one) had the nerve to say that I was spoilt and needy (it didn't matter that I never had romance before him). He said women need that kind of stuff. Men don't. Instead of arguing I decided to plan a hot bubbly bath, with a candle and a plate of fresh cookies and milk on the side of the bathtub. When he got home, I showered him with attention and gave him all these things. He was grinning from ear to ear. I asked him if he liked it. After about an hour at the right time I reminded him what he said. After all men don't care about that stuff. LMBO! I got my point across without ever having lift my voice in anger. I only wish I could handle all our conflict that smoothly. That was training in action.
Another one was when he finally got too critical of my laundry skills (my dad was OCD so I had enough). I told him one day, from now on you do it. He did. He didn't have a choice. I once in a while would say "why don't you do it like xyz (the way he told me to)" and he grinned becuase he knew he had been had. Training, Training, and more Training. We all do it to each other.
I'm with kaplods, I would have definately picked the battle over helping with the kids. That's one of the more amazing things my husband and I have to bond over. Each marriage is different. That's why you gotta pick what will work for you.
Yes, I have been totally angry at far lesser offenses than the one you have mentioned. I have not kept my cool. I have his food down the drain among other childish things. Sometimes we just need to be upset because we can't help it.
All I wanted to say was I don't think sleeping in a different room is bad at all...when my guy and I argue I make him sleep on the couch alot of the time...it's not bad, we aren't breaking up!! It's a way to let the conflict simmer down while we both think about what do to do make things better (as opposed to staying in the same room and still arguing as you're lying in bed!)...and 99% of the time I wake up to find he came back to bed after I fell asleep, lol, what a cutie, haha. ...Maybe just ask him why he doesn't remember after all this time...or tell him if he stops bugging you to do things you don't wanna do then you'll stop bugging him about remembering, LOL! Oh and for the record...we've been together for nearly 2.5 years, he always remembers dates, but he does have other faults, like I do, too!
I'm am not trying to come across as a ***** and I know I was starting to get frustrated and it is so hard to write things and try to get the right tone across at the same time.
I do thank everyone for their advice and opinion and it is nice to hear it from people that have been married longer than I have.
I guess I was looking for a little bit of sympothy...but I was also looking for other ideas that would make him see what I mean. Because talking to him isn't working. But I have to take the obvious fact that basically all you guys have pointed out, that it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I made it.
I do see that you must all think that I asked your opinion and just flew off the handle because I wasn't hearing what I wanted to. And like kaplods said it is hard to give advice or opinions when you only know so much and I get that. But I am really glad the advice came from years of experiance, can't ask for anything better.
I don't want to have a bad vibe with anyone... I just was looking for good sound advice and a little comfort, and yes I got it.
And Kaplod about the sex thing and how you said
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On a side note, as to your husband wanting sex all of the time, it may not be the amount of sex, but that he is always the initiator.
You are probably right. But it is also a two way street, he has his needs I have mine....and I guess we both have to understasnd that "if we want a little, we have to give a little".
Lindsay we know your frustrated and who can blame you, I would be too. to you, I hope he comes around soon, and no, there are no hard feelings what so ever.
Just little idea, does he have a cell phone? Or a PDA? I have learned to program everything into my BF's phone...now he has no excuse for forgeting... also, you could send reminder emails ( I think you can find something online that you can put all the occasions in at once and it will send the email when you want it)... It seems to be working so far...
Just little idea, does he have a cell phone? Or a PDA? I have learned to program everything into my BF's phone...now he has no excuse for forgeting... also, you could send reminder emails ( I think you can find something online that you can put all the occasions in at once and it will send the email when you want it)... It seems to be working so far...
LMBO! That's great! I remmy programing into my husband's phone to remember to call his wife on his business trip and tell her how great she is (I was doing some extra stuff that week). He did and it was a fun thing between us.
As far as talking to our spouses, sometimes we speak different love languages (I learned this from a marriage seminar). I couldn't tell you what the 7 languages were, but I know mine is talking. I want to HEAR from my dh how he feels. I want to TALK about things, etc. His is action. He doesnt' listen well and feels that talking can be redundant and meaningless sometimes. He speaks through his actions. He might not say he is sorry, but he might pick up the one thing I'm craving when I'm pregnant to express the same thing. He wants the same thing from me. He wants me to SHOW that I mean something, not say it (I'm not talking about sex). Once we learned this about each other, it did help us to appreciate that the other will show their love in a different way. I no longer expect to hear "sorry" but recognize when he is. (that's just one example). It's really very interesting. Nowadays if I want to TALK to my husband I text messege him. He is a computer geek and apparently instant messegeing, email and text messegeing are how I can reach him. When we had a cell phone, he barely said 2 words. Now that we have a PDA type device, he talks nonstop. I also notice because there is LESS emotion online, we don't react to each others tone of voice, etc when we are discussing something more serious. What a great discovery. Do I wish I could talk to him better and have long conversations? Yes, I do, but I learned to use my girlfriends for this. Our best TALKING conversations are in the car. HAHAHA! My point to all of this, is many of us have been there and our spouses ARE different. We learn new things about them all the time and sometimes we just have to figure out what makes them tick. If talking isn't working, something else will. Don't feel bad for wanting your birthday to be a special day. I make my hubby separate mother's day and my bday even if they fall on the same day. I want TWO gifts. LOL.
Honey,
It took me 5 years to get roses from my husband... and I just got them yesterday for my birthday (which is tomorrow).
Frankly, as long as your husband is a good guy, treats you well, and is a good father - and you say your marriage has kept getting better, then I would say you are very much OVERREACTING.
This stuff is so NOT worth getting pissed off about. Men just don't think about things the same way women do. If everything else is great, then leave this alone.
I can so relate. I met my husband through a personal ad I had placed in a local newspaper, which also appeared on the newspaper website.
Before meeting, we spent hours on the phone, and wrote long emails back and forth. When I finally met him, he had almost nothing to say face to face. It was weird because it took nearly a month to become as comfortable with each other face to face as we were on the phone and by email.
Sometimes it was almost like we couldn't wait for the "date" to be over so we could get home and talk to each other on the phone, email or IM.
Although my husband says I love you a lot, he also apologizes with actions, not words. And sometimes the words he does use could make things worse if I didn't recognize them as an apology. He often will ask if I'm still mad at him, which sometimes made me feel like he was saying that an argument was all my fault or that I was just being irrational. But I also notice that he goes out of his way to change the behaviors he thinks made me mad (but usually it seems that he misses the point, and changes the wrong behavior, which is why I've had to learn to tell him exactly and specifically what upset me, and why and HOW I want him to change his behavior).
It's like when he was spending way too much time on an online fighting game. He thought I didn't want him playing the game at all, and was going to cancel his membership. I didn't want him to give up something he loved, I just wanted him to spend more time with me. He needed specific rules for playing the game, because it was easier in his mind to give the game up, that to use what I considered common sense in how often and how much he played.
It's funny how this kind of "negotiating" seems really artificial at first, and as though it is going to depersonalize the relationship. Back to the "if I have to spell it out, it doesn't count," kind of thinking, but it has actually done the reverse. By being extremely specific in what we wish from the other person, we're really getting to know each other on a level I never would have thought possible. Sometimes I think we know each other better than we know ourselves.
I have to say that my husband use to be pretty bad at all the holidays and anniversaries, but it took me breaking down one Mother's Day and showing my butt and telling him that if he didn't show at least a little bit of romance or just remembering about important things than I would stop as well. Well needless to say he loves that fact that I do so much for him and he realized how selfish it is to expect so much of me but not return the favor. He has now gotten alot better about those issues and now we are working on the remembering family memeber's birthdays LOL!! Hang in there Hun I have been married for 13 yrs, it takes a long time to train them just right!!
My husband is generally completely unromantic, and I have to remind him about every special occasion ("it's Mother's Day. Best send your mom a card." "Don't forget that Friday is my birthday." etc...). It doesn't really bother me because he has so many great points that this one issue isn't really an issue.
But one day, last year, I woke up and found my favorite breakfast on the table, complete with a fresh bouquet of flowers. He served me breakfast, was so, so very kind and caring, and loving, so I began to wonder what exactly had he done! I mean, this was some sort of apology, but I didn't remember arguing at all the previous week. So then I got a bit nervous - what trouble was he pre-empting? Anyways, after breakfast, he gave me a card, and when I opened it, it said
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY".
Yup, I forgot my own anniversary. How completely embarrasing.
Anyways, I guess my point is that thankfully he has looked beyond my terrible memory and chooses to look at my good points.
And, as my mom always says, pick your battles! Some things just aren't worth fighting over.
Has he ever been alone with the kids for a few days or had to take responsibility for the housework when you've been gone? Any chance you might "need" to leave town for a few days? Maybe visit some family one weekend or go to a spa with a friend? Maybe if he's on his own with the kids and house for a few days, he might come to appreciate what you do much more. Maybe find a way to get out of the house for a couple days...it might be good for you to have a break, too. I know you said he has 6 days off sometimes, so he should be available to watch the kids, right?!
My first anniversary was pretty sad but before that was my birthday .. my birthday is oct 11th .. our anniversary .. oct 21st .. so pretty close .. you would think after not knowin one .. he might pay extra attention to the next? ~rolls eyes~ ohhhhhhhh no no no .. he blew both .. back to back .. laughs .. for uhm... i dunno ... 10 years!!!! ... just 2 weeks ago i was lookin at his calendar and on bottom has a note .. says traci's b-day .. oct 10th ... he was standin there so proud goin ..see .. i put it on my calendar! .. i go uh huh you did ..but ... my b-day is the 11th .. he goes mannnn when will i get that right!! .. gee hon .. after uhm ..18 years... i am not holdin out much hope! .. I always do things for his birthday .. and i used to get my feelings hurt cause he wouldn't do things for me .. i did for fathers day .. he ignored mothers day sayin i wasn't his mother .. i did all the xmas shoppin and the holiday stuff .. he sat back and patted his tummy.. i think they are trained that way .. i know his father is not what ya might think of as sentimental ..and complete opposite of romantic .. but he is one of those manly men that bring home the bacon .. and guard their family from any physical pain .. but are totally oblivious to the mental .. I don't blame my husband for his lack of .. understanding anymore .. it took me quite a few years to come to terms with the fact that he isn't tryin to be hurtful .. he just doesn't put as much into it as i do .. i spent many years of my b-day's and anniversaries at football or soccer games... many valentine's days alone ..cause for 10 years he drove otr .. there were very few times he was even home to try to celebrate and when he did get home he would of forgotten then too .. but he is a good father ..and does what he can .. i just try not to take it personal
side note .. one funny story .. we talked about my birthday the nite before .. him going ..what ya want to do? me going .. i don't know .. i have to go help my uncle for an hour or so in the mornin but then maybe take the kids somewhere and do something .. him going .. sounds good ... we go to sleep .. the next morning ... i wake up ... nothing ... i cook breakfast...nothing ... i get ready to go .. 3 yr old son comes in bathroom .. i tell him ... go tell daddy to tell mommy happy birthday ... son runs in kitchen goes ... tell me happy b-day daddy!! ... husband goes ...happy b-day brett...
does a light go on? nope!!
i go to leave and at that point very mad and hurt ..he goes ..when will you be back .. my response? i dunno .. can't even tell me happy b-day .. maybe i just go out by myself and not come home til tomorrow!!! .. he goes ... oh **** .. and i walked out ...funny now ...not so funny then .. laffs
The women who responded have given you some solid advice earned after years of experience. No need to get so upset... it's just anonymous advice, take it with a grain of salt if you wish!
but I was, er, underwhelmed. 
to you, I hope he comes around soon, and no, there are no hard feelings what so ever.
