I swear I think a lot of men are like that. First DH the first year we were together he forgot my birthday. He said he was going to the store to get some pepsi and I thought, yeah right...he has a surprise for sure. Ummm, he came back with pepsi. I could not believe he actually forgot. Well, he never forgot after that. A lot of times though if I wanted something I planned everything. He worked so much and really didn't have time to do it. Secretly I did wish that just once he would have planed something or at least got a cake. He did maybe 3 times in the 12 years we were married. But he was great with our anniversary, V-Day, Mother's Day, and Christmas, even Easter and Thanksgiving. He always bought me flowers and a card. My 32nd BD was a month before he was killed and it was the best one ever, one I will never forget. It wasn't anything special except that it was spent with him.
Now DH#2 is quite the opposite...he never forgets anything and he is the greatest with planning, getting the cake and looking for gifts. Of course we married on my BD and it falls on mother's day every four years. But it is close enough that he just combines the 3 which is fine with me. Anyway...
I would say if you want the perfect birthday, anniversary, holiday, plan what you want to do and let him know the week of or a couple of weeks before. Tell him what you want and what you want to do. And if he doesn't want to do anything then plan your own special day without him and go celebrate *YOU*.
Something I learned from being a widow for 8 years is that I didn't need a man to make me happy. I didn't have anyone to celebrate those special occasions with except my kids and that is what I did. I made my own cake most of the time and we went out. I didn't have a cake every year because I just didn't want one...but I did do something special for myself on those days.
That's going to be something only you can answer, and it's a hard one. My mother has tortured my father over these kinds of things things their entire marriage (42 years so far). When he forgot, she was nasty about it. When he remembered, but she felt the gift wasn't appropriate, she was nasty about it, and when he got it right, she accused him of getting help from us kids.
And in my own mrriage, while I sympathize with date-forgetting, because of this family drama and because I do it too, I haven't been immune from the thoughts of "If he really loved me, he would [insert behavior here] without reminding.
For me, it has mostly been housecleaning tasks. My husband absolutely hates doing dishes, so in exchange he does all of the laundry (my most hated chore). Getting him to help with other housecleaning or getting the laundry done in a reasonable span of time, is like pulling teeth. He's worse than a kid.
He promises to do it "after" he finished whatever he's doing - and then forgets. I can almost guarantee that he will forget to do anything he promises to do after I go to bed (he usually stays up a few hours later than I do).
It used to make me SOOOO furious. We had a long talk about it, and the subject still comes up periodically. If I didn't remind him and just got mad, he felt I had set him up or was being petty. He asked if I really thought that he didn't love me, if he got wrapped up in a tv show (like I get wrapped up in a book) and forgot to put the leftovers in the fridge, or pick up his dirty snack dishes. I told him no, but I felt if he loved me he would make more of an effort. He brought up the refrigerator (Huh, I thought).
I have a habit of putting things back in the refrigerator in a different spot than the one I found it in (the mayo might go in the door or on any shelf). I've always lived alone, and my fridge was never so full I couldn't find what I wanted. It bugs him, because having been a restaurant cook, things have a place and need to stay in their place (he also gets annoyed with how I store our utensils and pots and pans).
He said that I have never changed any of the habits that annoy him, did that mean I didn't love him enough to do what he wanted me to.
Is it really that important to you, I asked, and he said "no," but that he felt that when I didn't remind him of things he'd promised to do, and just got angry and did them myself, he felt like he had been set up. By waiting to see if he remembered, and then getting mad when he didn't, I guess in a way I was. Like you said it was all about waiting to see what he would do for me."
He gave me a big list of things he did for me (and to be quite frank, most I barely noticed). Things like when we were both working - in the winter, cleaning my car and starting it for me, and bringing home dinner so I wouldn't have to cook....
I realized that we just expressed love very differently, and that I was setting him up with the "if you loved me, you would..." stuff. So I do remind him, sometimes once, sometimes twice, and occasionally he will still forget and I will get mad, but it's no longer of the "you don't love me," kind of mad, it's the "you're a big pain in my butt," kind of mad, which doesn't end with either of us sleeping on the couch.
Sit down and talk with him, and decide on a compromise you can both live with. Maybe it will be giving him a reminder a week before the event, and maybe even a general gift idea, maybe it will be something else.
After the week I have had with the women I take care of...if that is your biggest problem, you are doing pretty good. I understand that you were/are hurt, but...he is not beating you, bringing meth into your home, and he has not given you chlamydia...Hug that man, tell him Happy Anniversary and make it a day he won't ever forget.
IMHO, waking you up the next morning to fix his lunch for him was like adding insult to injury. What, did he forget how to make a sandwich too? Jeez....
I agree that we have to "pick our battles". My DH gets annoyed that I forget to put the lid back on the toothpaste. I complain that he leaves his dirty socks next to his recliner every single day for me to pick up. Even though we have little annoyances with each other, I'd never sleep separate from him.
Whenever I get annoyed that he didn't buy me anything for my B-day, mothers day or anniversary I have to stop and think. Did he have money? He gives me his paycheck every week and I give him $150.00 weekly to live on and buy his gas and lunches at work. I keep the checking account and pay all the bills. A lot of times, I say don't worry about getting me anything, I want to go try on clothes and pick out something that I like. (I've seen what he picks and it's not a pretty site).
Come on, girls, guys forget things. I know that's not an excuse, but men don't retain these things as well as women do. To this day my partner of 16 years can't remember which day my birthday is on. It's in November. The 14th. But he'll still say, "Ummmm... is it the 15th? Or the 21st?"
There ya go, lol.
I mean, really, what's more important... your entire marriage? Or a forgotten date?
Perhaps you should try basing your expectations of him on the man that he is rather than the man that you wish him to be. If you love him and he loves you, then in the grand scheme of things would reminding him ahead of time or taking over the planning yourself really be such a hardship? Would you rather continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment time after time, or would you rather be realistic and proactive in the making of your own happiness? It's your choice whether or not to be bothered by this. Honestly, wouldn't you rather not? Just my 2 cents...
Picking battles I think is the real issue, "Is this the hill you want to die on?" as they say.
Asking you to make his lunch, might have been way of asking if things were back to normal (if it's something you do every day), without admitting he was wrong. Not necessarily a way to twist the knife. Though he also may have been hurt himself that you were still mad.
I can see my husband doing something like that. If he upsets me, but he doesn't think he did anything wrong, or that I am overreacting, he will not apologize no matter what, he considers it akin to lying. It drives me crazy sometimes, but that is him. He is still a great guy, just frustrating to communicate with sometimes. We don't speak the same language, even when we're using the same words.
I annoy and confuse him sometimes, and he annoys and confuses me sometimes, but we are very open and willing to discuss our difficulties, so we usually can work things out before anyone gets mad. That's what's really important, that you both are on the same team. Compensating for each other's weaknesses.
I see too many couples keeping mental checklists of all of their partner's shortcomings and offenses, instead of their strengths and virtues. That builds failure not success.
Didn't see Beverly's post before I posted, but the point hits home. When I do get angry at my husband it is usually because I am wanting him to act in a way, that I know is contrary to his nature. I want him to be something he just isn't. And the fact is, this is the guy I married, and this is the guy I'm stuck with, for better or worse, as they say. And where it counts, it keeps getting better and better.
I know that all he does for me is always appreciated and I tell him, I don't think I ever said it was a "if you love me or not thing".
I know what he does on a regular basis is what and does count the most, I'm sorry but just because on a regular basis he is good, that means that I'm not allowed to express that I'm hurt by what he did or didn't do. I know I have to pick my battles but am I suppose to shrug it off and tell him it's okay and not make it known how it made me feel? Especially since (sorry if this is TMI) basically on a daily basis he is on my case about not having sex every single day? He tells me that he never gets enough and that he feels that it's important to him (like any typical man). Well why doesn't he relaize what I do for him overall on a daily basis and how good of a wife and mother I am and that it shouldn't be a big deal like his efforts that he makes ?????? Plus he gets it at least 3-4 times a week.
You guys are going to think we are nut jobs or something lol. My point that I am trying to make is that it makes me feel like I don't have the right to get angry if he forgets or it's not something that improtant and to get over it but when it's him and his needs then it's different. He doesn't get over it, he's keeps telling me to "give" him more.
I don't know, it's not a big deal now and probably shouldn't have been. But in the heat of the moment and it happening every year, I was just wishing it would have been different.
He did come home with a card and a candle today and I was nice and kissed him and thanked him.
I do honestly love my hubby and pray that nothing ever happens to us, I just have needs too, even though they may not be that important to others.
Hi again, I don't know how old are you and do you work? Maybe I am old fashion but, I make my husbands lunch, set up his coffee the night before, and put out his meds. It might not sound like much but, he appreciates all those little things I do, I figure I can no longer work anymore and he never says a word about us losing an income. I agree with the person who wrote be gratefull he doesn't beat you, do drugs, ect. And is he over weight? And if he isn't be gratefull for that you have a husband that takes good care of you. and all that stuff he has to love you for the you inside, well this is the real world and men are visual and woman are emotional. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but, I have been with my husband over 20 years. Give and take, that's what works. good luck.
No one said you didn't have a right to be or express anger, but you did ask:
please give me your honest opinion and suggest what I should do!!!!!!!
That's what each of us has done. Personally, my honest opinion is that throwing his card away, sleeping apart even when he asked you to come to bed were punishments exceeding the crime. Instead of communicating with him, and asking him how you AND he could resolve your different desires and expectations from each other, you chose to punish him, resulting in a lousy anniversary for you both.
Was it understandable? Of course, it's so cliche' almost every family sitcom has a "he forgot the anniversary/birthday and she's upset" episode, but in the scheme of things, it didn't have to ruin the anniversary unless you allowed it to, and you did. Will he forget the next occasion? Probably, unless you're willing to help him remember.
I really urge you to talk to him to resolve this, because these family dramas really hurt the kids. My dad was totally useless in the remembering gift days area, and it made my mother furious (though they never slept apart). It's probably why I don't remember such dates so well myself -- They were a nightmare, and we were always caught in the middle, not fully realizing why Mom was so mad at Dad for forgetting, and afraid to help Dad remember (if we got caught at it, we'd ALL be in trouble) but afraid not to (she'd actually tell us not to tell dad her birthday was coming up because she wanted to "see if he remembers on his own this year"). I still get a knot in my stomache thinking about it.
My husband is a romantic so no worries in this issue for me. Course I often don't let him forget and sometimes I do the planning.
Should you be upset! Heck Yeah! Course now that it is over, the best deal is to be proactive.
Now the issue of not being appreciated...I know that one well. For years I was a stay at home mom and did everything. That wasn't good enough. He wanted a career mom. Now that I'm a career mom, I do a lot less at home. He says something about it and I tell him I was never appreciated for those things so why should I do them. Now that he has to do them (I was much more detailed), he starts to appreciate ANYTHING I do around the house. Now he wants to tell me my career choice isn't good (cuz it doesn't pay like his). I have to remind him it took him time to get where he is, and then recently I just plain blasted him and asked him how he would feel if I did xyz. He hasn't said a word since.
My kids are great with positive reinforcement. Guess what..so is my husband and I. If my husband does something (like cook), I don't blast his choices (even though I am on a diet). I tell him thank you and portion control. The reason is I've learned if you say thank you to something, people are more likely to keep doing it or at least do it more often. One time, I gushed about him adding broccoli (even though nobody but my baby and me likes it) JUUUUSTT for me and he started adding it more often. Pretty soon not only is he cooking more often but much of it is diet friendly.
Is there someplace you would like to go? An amusement park? A bath house? A tourist town? Bowling? Pick something you like and you think he will agree on (don't set yourself up for failure). Then say, since we didn't really do anything for my birthday, what about going to xyz place? Then keep things lighthearted and fun. Then when it is over or sometime during the activity, tell him thanks. You had fun and it was a great place to go to celebrate a birthday. Next time give him advance warning. Remind him how great going to xyz place was and watch and see if he doesn't respond.
IMHO, He's a good guy that needs some training.... thats all. 5 years of marriage is still pretty new so you can make this work. Lindsay your feelings are very real and I don't blame you, I'd be upset too. Its not about the gifts it really about the acknowledgement of the day for you and thats understandable.
Communicate with him, maybe you two could go to dinner alone and talk about things (w/out getting upset) tell him that these things, as little as they are to him, are very big and important to you...he has to see that you really mean this (with out the anger).
Good marriages consist of years of learning, making mistakes and mostly forgiveness...but communication is the key.
I think it would be different if he were doing it intentionally to be mean; doesn't sound like that was it though.
My ex-husband would wait until around 10:00p.m. on my birthday or anniversary, and then all of a sudden say "Happy birthday! Haha, bet you thought I forgot!" To him, that was like pulling a big joke on me. He hadn't forgotten at all, just wanted me to think he did. I thought it was pretty cruel and he did it time after time, so after many years I knew to expect it. And that's one reason he's an ex.
It just doesn't sound like yours meant it like that. I agree with some of the others ... you should plan it, and start reminding him a few days before. If after all of that, he chooses to ignore it or make other plans, then it was intentional.
I'm sorry it was a bad day and hope it gets better very soon between the two of you.
