Oh...so he's paying his share...that's puts him in a different light....Good Luck
Ya he is I feel like my parents and my BF both have their reasons for not liking the other. It just makes it harder to figure out what I can do to work things out between them so we can feel more like a family. I mean if he were making more money we'd probably already be engaged.
He's supposed to go talk to them in the next week or so. To apologize to my dad and to hopefully open up to them to try and work things out. I love my parents and him too much to never be with both of them at the same time.
So he's paying rent, and can't feed himself in the home he's paying rent for because his landlords decided to upgrade the kitchen (during his tenure) to some non-standard cooking-heat source.
And you're okay with that, because you see that your parents' market value for a rental property is more important than your boyfriend's feelings about the home he rents.
I think there's a problem here bigger than needing to replace cookware.
(Also, when I was in school I couldn't have afforded to replace my Ikea/supermarket cookware with Calphalon or All-Clad, but that's just me.)
So he's paying rent, and can't feed himself in the home he's paying rent for because his landlords decided to upgrade the kitchen (during his tenure) to some non-standard cooking-heat source.
And you're okay with that, because you see that your parents' market value for a rental property is more important than your boyfriend's feelings about the home he rents.
I think there's a problem here bigger than needing to replace cookware.
(Also, when I was in school I couldn't have afforded to replace my Ikea/supermarket cookware with Calphalon or All-Clad, but that's just me.)
My dad bought the stove at 75% off. He had no clue that the stove top was induction and had no clue that the pots wouldn't work. He didnt' do it on purpose. Had he known he probably would have gotten us new pots to go with it or not have purchased it at all. That's why I'm taking up for my dad - he was just trying to get us something nice and do us a favor and had no clue the pots wouldn't work. The adaptor plate is in the mail and will be here Wed. or Thurs. and my BF uses the stove maybe 3 times a week? I think he'll survive until then lol.
One more thing...when we move to a new place we can take the stove with us. its ours to keep. it may not neccessarily increase property value because if those stove is nicer than the place we move to we get to bring it with us.
Last edited by Volschika007; 04-16-2012 at 01:12 PM.
I think you need to be real with yourself about what's going on here. If your parents think he's a deadbeat, he probably is. This has taken me forever to admit to myself, but it is really true. Unless they're the kind of folks who wouldn't think anyone is good enough for their kid, they're probably right. They have absolutely no incentive to ruin a perfectly good relationship for you. That's not to say that even a great guy might have some run-ins with your folks, but this sounds like more than that.
You're young, your smart, you're building a life for yourself. Now is the time to be selective. It sounds like you're saying that you've already spent 4 years with him and you don't want to waste that time. The only thing worse than being with the wrong guy for four years is being with him four years and a day.
I think people change a LOT in their early to mid-20's, I know I did. If this guy has been telling you he's going to get help for a year and hasn't done it yet, he's not going to. Also, how long are you willing to stick around and wait for an improvement? I think a lot of times we want to say that people have diseases like depression and bipolar disorder and OCD, when really they're just entitled babies who have bad personalities. That kind of takes away from the people who actually do have those diseases. Maybe he really does have an emotional disorder or something, but we all have to deal with minor annoyances due to appliances and living situations from time to time. And his respect for you and desire to make you feel comfortable and have your parents like him should outweigh his need to act like a child when they come over.
I side with everyone else who says ditch him before it's too late.
He does have a family history of emotional disorders. So I think he really does have something wrong. but there's really no excuse for him not getting help yet.
I mean obviously I've only been saying the bad things about him. He has his good moments, too. I tried dumping him last year to kick him in the butt and make him get into gear and it worked for a while but now its just back to how it was. He's been saying he'll get help for a year now, so he better mean it this time. I won't let him not get help. It's that or he's out of here. I can wait around while he gets help but I refuse to suffer through this because he won't go see a doc.
Well, you pretty much have decided he's on his last chance here.
But YOU have to follow through with that. If he shirks on the depression/bipolar/whatever it is/mental health track, and seeking help, you say you are done.
The only thing left is to really BE done.
It's not reasonable to expect him to be CURED by Dec grad. Esp since some conditions do not have cure. They can only be managed.
But I think it is totally reasonable to have been to a doc appt and start trying out the prescribed treatment -- be it meds or talk therapy or whatever it is -- by summer, no?
Because he's already been procrastinating on making appt this long -- I don't see why giving him a longer deadline to procrastinate more does.
It's spring term. Get an appt set by summer term, dude. You got til June. Go!
I am married for 35 years and can tell you one thing, bf or husband are not made to order. both of you and your parents have to learn to adjust with each other. When you say he is "my bf", you have to accept him with his flaws, same is true for him.
The person is not a toy, if you do not like it throw it. In USA people do not understand it and have very little patience, hence the divorce rate is high.
If you really love him, then be ready to sacrifice for him. Men take longer time to mature, and when they mature they respect you for your sacrifices.
this is my experience. My husband initially used to get angry with or without any reason. Now, at 64 he is the most accomodating and happy person and takes care of me like nobody has done before.
I am sure, my husband would have behaved exact similar way, when he was young. In fact, he has done more serious things.
I would say, little undrstanding and helping from your side be more useful.
If you leave him and find other one, the other guy will have other problems. Nobody is perfect.
Read Men are from marse and women from venus.
Four years does seem like a long time to be with someone, and it is....but look at 4 years versus your entire life with someone who has some significant issues that impact upon your life.
I think they should create chances cards for people because we give out way too many, wasting too much of our valueable time waiting for people who will never change to change. Creating excuses instead of just dealing with it head on.
4 years is a long time, but I really would have rather wasted these 4 years instead of another 4 years with someone I know is completely wrong for me. I'm sure the guy is a nice guy and has great qualities...(We all do.) but really comes down to if you've been thinking on and off with leaving...you may have already have the answer you just need to courage to do it.
Well, you're the only one who knows exactly how strong your relationship is. 4 years is a pretty long time and if you've lasted this long you obviously have deep feelings for one another.
In my opinion he's just feeling frustrated because you parents still have to help you and he can't be "the man of the house". I'm sure he would like to be the one helping you through college instead of your parents. He does not care about the pots, or the stove, I'm sure deep down he appreciates it, but probably just feels ashamed that your parents had to buy you one and he couldn't get one himself. This needs to be handled with delicacy, but you seem to have the diplomacy required to resolve this issue.
It's nobody's fault, but it's too bad you're in the middle of this.
Thanks for all the advice guys. It really helps me think about all sides of the situation. His doc suggested trying counseling first and even reccommended the place here on campus - which is free. so its just a matter of if he'll go or not. I really do love him but I start to lose those feelings when there's so many issues. He's never been very romantic back to me. We "cuddle" but its always me cuddling him and he mostly just lays there. I know some ppl are just like that and its something I've accepted but it just makes things even harder to deal with when I feel like he's not even being very affectionate on top of everything, but I do think he's a lot more affectionate when he's happy so we'll just have to see what happens with counseling. All i really want is to see some improvement and some effort on his part to start getting better. I know it could take a long time to really get better or find a way to manage it, but I'm only willing to be patient with him if he is trying to figure it out.
Men take longer time to mature, and when they mature they respect you for your sacrifices.
this is my experience. My husband initially used to get angry with or without any reason. Now, at 64 he is the most accomodating and happy person and takes care of me like nobody has done before.
I am sure, my husband would have behaved exact similar way, when he was young. In fact, he has done more serious things.
I would say, little undrstanding and helping from your side be more useful.
If you leave him and find other one, the other guy will have other problems. Nobody is perfect.
I'd say you married a great guy who saw the error of his ways and changed.
Most people don't change and those who do generally had a catalyst to effect it.
Most people don't respect the sacrifices of others.
I agree no one is perfect but I think you're a bit naive when it comes to the population of men in general.
