Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't respect your parents - there's no 'to a point' I would guess that you're getting a good deal on your living arrangements. And it is their property. Few things are worse than a SO who embarrases you. And dislikes your family.
ya that's true. we've been together 4 years, though. it doesn't seem like the respect issue and embarrasment was that big of an issue until maybe the past year. im not sure what changed. I do think he's battling depression and keeps saying he'll get help. He's supposed to in the next month. I guess I'm hanging in there hoping that if he does get help, things will go back to how they were a year ago. its sorta my last hope.
Well, good luck with it. Sometimes people just really drag out getting help for their issues - watch out that you don't get all dragged around by all this ...
Ever heard the expression "too much mother in that marriage?" Maybe this is that. Only it's parents and not just mother and you guys aren't married at this point. Like a "cut the apron stings" problem.
His rude behaviour is rude... but if he's feeling like you aren't seen as an adult couple by your parents the oven upset/pan upset may just be how this is coming out right now. If this is about feeling weird being obligated to your parents because you live in a house they own, and they buy lavish things for you guys like an induction stove -- I could see that. BTDT.
If it is clear they are helping you guys til grad, and then you are on your own, that's one thing. There's been a clear expectation/limit set and even he could appreciate the leg up then. But if this is "her parents always butting into our lives with no end in sight" -- that doesn't bode well for the rship.
Is it kinda like "Will we EVER be seen as an adult couple on our own? Or always Mom & Dad's 'kids' and always being beholden? And if there's relationship trouble, she's always the daughter. Am I gonna get kicked out of my home? I'm "only" the BF -- not even a husband."
Maybe he's feeling like a kept pet or something rather than a full person with a voice?
Then with you not wanting to get involved because "someone will get mad" -- for him it may feel like not even the GF wants to talk about the weird power dynamic here where he's like an island alone.
That doesn't sound good for your relationship if he can't talk to you about how he feels about the parents because you put them first. Maybe he wonders if that's how it will always be?
Talk to him. Because it doesn't sound like this is about stupid pots. In a week that prob is solved when you adapter thing comes in.
If he's trying to cut you off from your family because he's abusive and operate better than way -- that's another thing entirely. Only you are there and know for sure what's going on here.
Your parents are being VERY generous, IMO. But - maybe your boyfriend just feels like things aren't truly "his" in any way because you're living together in a place owned and kept up by your parents. The home is theirs, and yours in part, but much less his - he's just a guest. The set-up is very unequal in that sense, and he may feel like he doesn't have much of a say in that (quite large) aspect of your lives.
My in-laws live nearby, and when my husband and I were first living together and then married my mother in law used to come over to my house during the day while we were at work, let herself in, and clean. Or do laundry. Or leave food. Or let our cats out in the backyard (our cats are strictly indoor cats). She was being "generous" and doing things for us that she felt were loving, but it drove me up the wall. I don't want ANYONE coming into my house randomly and uninvited, whether they're there to do something nice or not. What if I'd left a dirty pair of underwear in the bathroom that morning? Or left my vibrator sitting out? Or just didn't have the energy to do the dinner dishes the night before? I hated feeling like my space wasn't really my own, and that I had to be careful how I left my home in case she came over unexpectedly. My husband didn't understand at first, because, well, he was used to his mother seeing HIS messes, and so it wasn't a big deal to him. His mom was just trying to help us, in his eyes. We argued over it numerous times before I reached my breaking point and finally told my husband it HAD to stop, and asked him tell his mother (which he did). It was such a huge relief for me when she stopped coming over like that and started calling instead to ask if we needed help with anything.
We had kind of a similar situation a few years later when my husband reached HIS breaking point, and told me that we had to start staying at a hotel when we went to visit my parents rather than staying at their house. My mother coming into our bedroom at 7am to get something out of the guest room closet and seeing my husband snoring in his underwear felt like a small intrusion to me, but it was certainly a bigger deal to him! Or her constantly asking us what was wrong when we closed the door for a few minutes to speak privately, or pushing leftovers on him day and night... etc. It was hard for me to tell my parents that we weren't going to stay with them anymore when we came into town, and I know it hurt my mother's feelings at the time... but it was the right decision. My husband and I used to fight A LOT on those trips, and he dreaded visiting my parents because of all the stress it caused. Now we don't fight when we go up there, and he's a much happier son-in-law when he sees them.
Anyway - I imagine that it would be hard to consider given that it would add to your monthly bills, but perhaps the two of you should talk about renting or buying a place of your own. One that is yours equally, and where you make decisions together regarding what's done with it, when things need replacing, etc. A place where your boyfriend can feel like something other than a guest, and doesn't feel like he has to be "grateful" all the time. I can see how it might reduce the tension between your boyfriend and your parents - which seems to really be impacting your relationship with each other - and get you out of the peacemaker role.
chickadee: i'm sorry, but, help me on this one, did your husband not know your family before you got married? you got married and then sprung this whole european family on him out of the blue or something?
you should NEVER have to play peacemaker if it's your boyfriend (not even a husband, i should point out) or your husband against your parents.
me, i have the opposite problem: my bf is 100% respectful to my parents. he's hindu, so not being polite and respectful to my mother simply is not thinkable. it's THEM i've had to verbally slap down so many times! yes, i'm fully aware that he's a jerkwad but he's never that way in their presence so it means i can't even whine and vent to them because they make it a federal issue. i keep telling them "i just want to whine! all right!? leave it!" but no, they want to call him or write him on facebook or whatever. unfortunately, i can't get rid of my family although i can reduce contact to a bare minimum, which i've done.
Last edited by threenorns; 04-16-2012 at 07:03 AM.
chickadee: i'm sorry, but, help me on this one, did your husband not know your family before you got married? you got married and then sprung this whole european family on him out of the blue or something?
LOL! My mother is kind of the opposite of the European mindset - I recall very, very clearly the phone call from my father in which he told me that it was making my mother uncomfortable when my husband (at the time, my fiance) would touch me (as in, rub my back or hug me) in front of them.
We only stayed with my parents a few times before we married, and we weren't ever allowed to stay in the same room at their house (despite the fact that we were living together) so things were somewhat different. Some of the privacy/personal space/personal time issues were definitely there then, but I think both my husband and I chalked those up to the fact that we were unmarried and thought things would calm down a bit after the wedding. They didn't.
My mother is overwhelming in general, and for an introvert like my husband it's exhausting. When we stayed with them she was always "on" - alert and tuned into to where we were, what we were doing, whether everyone was happy and ok, whether we needed anything, etc. - and when he'd start to shut down with the constant bombardment, that would push her into overdrive. Add the privacy/personal space issues on top of feeling like he was being watched like a hawk, and he was feeling a LOT of tension and stress when we'd visit them.
I doubt it's much different than how lots of other couples feel when staying with each others' families. But for us staying at a hotel was a far better solution than my husband never visiting my parents with me, which is where we would have ended up eventually.
Interestingly, we have ZERO problems when my parents come and stay at our house. My husband has his personal space that my mother would never think to intrude upon, and she's not the host and so seems far less concerned with his mood at any given second. He's relaxed and she's relaxed, and that means I can relax. It's a totally different experience.
Edit: Btw, my husband and I are both 33, soon to be 34, and have been married now for eight and a half years. It's not like we're super young and having these issues!
Last edited by chickadee32; 04-16-2012 at 11:03 AM.
There is an end in sight to my parents helping us so much. I graduate in December and have full intentions of getting a full time job and paying rent. I currently do not pay rent...which is why its not an option to live anywhere else. My parents actually bought this place just for me to live in while I go to college and intend to sell it when I move out in a year or so. The monthly payment is actually lower buying it than it would be renting anything nearby..and even though its still pretty small its a lot bigger than many of the other options in the same price range. I think we would have droven each other crazy had we been stuck in something even smaller.
I do get that he probably feels like this place isn't his, but there's not much either of us can do about it right now. At least not until I graduate.
I do feel like its as much his fault as my parents. Everything thats happening. My parents say he makes them feel like they aren't welcome in our place. And my dad coming to install the stove was the first time they've been in here in about 3 months. My parents NEVER come in uninvited. I wouldn't even allow that. They always call first. They do have a key but they never use it unless they have permission too (if neither of us are home but they need in for some reason.)
He's actually going to his doc for a check up today and will be asking for a referral to see someone about his depression. I know it won't fix everything, but I honestly feel like a lot of our issues boil down to that. Just like how he never wants to go out and do anything. Its not like I like to get out that often but I also can't take staying inside for weeks at a time. Its just not healthy.
I really want this to work but it just feels like as soon as one issue is fixed here comes another one. Is that how all relationships are? Or are we maybe just not meant to be together...?
I really want this to work but it just feels like as soon as one issue is fixed here comes another one. Is that how all relationships are? Or are we maybe just not meant to be together...?
That depends.
There's always something going on that Life flings your way. I've been with DH for 18 years... most of them married. But we function as a team and deal with the things that come along. So in that sense - YES. There is always SOMETHING going on. But we're happy with each other and the relationship.
I'm a chronic patient -- but it is not depression. It is PCOS/IR. So in the sense of the relationship having that on the table -- similar to you also. It's just me who is the patient person rather than him. In your situation it is him.
Anyway... Life things happen. But that's not the issue at hand.
If you think the main prob is his depression and you are willing to stick with him while he seeks treatment that's fine. However you have to think about where YOU draw the line. It isn't your fault he is ill and it isn't his fault. But how he handles it matters to the health of the relationship.
If he ignores his health issues, that's no good.
If he uses as excuse -- that's no good either.
If he's dragging you down and there really ISN'T much relating any more... then you are calling it a relationship but there isn't one there. That's no good.
Thanks Astrophe. I have a lot of thinking to do. I feel like I've been trying to make up my mind on whether I should stay or go for a long time. It never fails that he'll pull out of the depression long enough for me to be really really happy and want to stay. Sorta makes me think it might be something more like bi-polar. He just better follow through on getting help this time because I can't keep going through this. I feel like im on the rollercoaster with him. If he's depressed, it makes me upset and when he's really happy we're running around here tickling each other having the best time. I just know I can't keep living for the "good times" for the rest of my life. He's gotta figure something out.
Recognizing you just came here to vent I would suggest you dump your boyfriend.
Unless you're exagerating his behavior I see no reason to keep him around. Sounds like a major loser to me.
Maybe deep down he is a great person and if that is the case dumping him is the best thing you can do for him.
I mean obviously I've only been saying the bad things about him. He has his good moments, too. I tried dumping him last year to kick him in the butt and make him get into gear and it worked for a while but now its just back to how it was. He's been saying he'll get help for a year now, so he better mean it this time. I won't let him not get help. It's that or he's out of here. I can wait around while he gets help but I refuse to suffer through this because he won't go see a doc.
There is an end in sight to my parents helping us so much. I graduate in December and have full intentions of getting a full time job and paying rent. I currently do not pay rent...which is why its not an option to live anywhere else. My parents actually bought this place just for me to live in while I go to college and intend to sell it when I move out in a year or so. The monthly payment is actually lower buying it than it would be renting anything nearby..and even though its still pretty small its a lot bigger than many of the other options in the same price range. I think we would have droven each other crazy had we been stuck in something even smaller.
I do get that he probably feels like this place isn't his, but there's not much either of us can do about it right now. At least not until I graduate.
I do feel like its as much his fault as my parents....
Ummm, you're living rent free in a place your parents own. How in the world could any of this be 'their fault'....your boyfriend, I would assume isn't paying rent, either. While you have a relationship w/your parents, he is for all intents and purposes, a stranger living rent free in their home (or an extension of their home). And when you do graduate and move out, will you be footing the entire bill for your new home? ...... And why exactly do you want this to work out ???
Ummm, you're living rent free in a place your parents own. How in the world could any of this be 'their fault'....your boyfriend, I would assume isn't paying rent, either. While you have a relationship w/your parents, he is for all intents and purposes, a stranger living rent free in their home (or an extension of their home). And when you do graduate and move out, will you be footing the entire bill for your new home? ...... And why exactly do you want this to work out ???
He actually is paying rent. He pays half and my parents cover my half. So i'll be paying my half when I get a job. As far as my parents fault goes...my boyfriend feels like they judge everything he does and says he feels like he can't be himself around them. And I can see that, too. My mom doesn't want me to end up with a "dead beat." lol And I don't mean him not liking the stove is their fault..I just mean the strained relationship is on both of them
I mean obviously I've only been saying the bad things about him. He has his good moments, too. I tried dumping him last year to kick him in the butt and make him get into gear and it worked for a while but now its just back to how it was. He's been saying he'll get help for a year now, so he better mean it this time. I won't let him not get help. It's that or he's out of here. I can wait around while he gets help but I refuse to suffer through this because he won't go see a doc.
Remember, he's your boyfriend. Not your husband. You don't have an obligation to him if you don't want to.
Sontaikle - I know. I'd say a lot of people would have just walked away by now. Spending 4 years with the same person just makes them feel like a part of you and I don't want to lose him if I don't have to. So I'm giving him this one last chance get to everything worked out. All I'm asking is for him to try.
