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Old 08-25-2010, 12:08 PM   #31  
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Luciddepths, I am with you! Only I'm 30 and my family has been weighing in on it for the past few years, too. But you know what? I've always said that I won't settle.

I was in my 9th wedding in April. In 2008, I was in two weddings within a month of friends I thought were settling. One of those friends filed for divorce three weeks ago. Before she filed, she told me how jealous she was of MY life and the fact that I can be single and happy and not compromise on what I expect from a boyfriend. She also said I was the only person other than her parents who tried telling her not to go through with the marriage.

It's not easy. I am so envious of people getting married/ having children sometimes that I could SCREAM. But I know that one day I might meet someone I want to share my life with and rushing it is not going to be the answer. All I can do is be happy for my friends and family when they take these steps, try to give my honest opinion when they are making mistakes and be there if something goes wrong.
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Old 08-25-2010, 01:13 PM   #32  
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It sounds to me like you have a good relationship with someone who cares a lot about you, and about his future. Put the two together and I see a strong and lasting relationship.
But, before you get too tweaked about not being part of the married or engaged set- ask yourself this- how much is being married going to change your everyday life? A good friend of mine recently got married to a wonderful guy she's been living with for several years. She confessed to me that, even though she's happy to be married, it really hasn't changed anything (other than they have new dishes and towels) Don't fall into the trap of wanting something too badly and building it up to be something bigger than it is.
With that said- are you secure in your relationship? Are you confident that he loves you? Do you feel as if he wants to be with you for the rest of your life? Then, good. If not, be open and honest with him about where you're feeling a little insecure.

And- feeling "left" doesn't just happen to the single folk. At 24 and married for four years (I know, I got married young!) and together for 7, I was the first to get married out of my friends. But, here I am, watching all of my other "less married" friends buy houses, get settled, etc. while that's still a goal DH and I have to put off a few years. In the end, though I struggle with jealousy, I'm exceedingly happy with my husband and our relationship, even if we don't own our own house (yet). Just as you can be exceedingly happy with your boyfriend and your relationship, even if you don't have a ring (yet)

As a side note to Carbs, please be a little more careful in your advocacy for celibacy- informing a woman that her boyfriend has no reason to marry her if she is having sex with him is both insulting by implying that a woman's only value is sex, and degrading to marriage by reducing it to nothing other than a sexual relationship. Also, implying that celibacy is a weapon or tool that we can use to get men to marry us is insulting to those of us who have practiced it based on a deeply rooted belief system.
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Old 08-25-2010, 03:39 PM   #33  
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Originally Posted by SouthLake View Post
It sounds to me like you have a good relationship with someone who cares a lot about you, and about his future. Put the two together and I see a strong and lasting relationship.
But, before you get too tweaked about not being part of the married or engaged set- ask yourself this- how much is being married going to change your everyday life? A good friend of mine recently got married to a wonderful guy she's been living with for several years. She confessed to me that, even though she's happy to be married, it really hasn't changed anything (other than they have new dishes and towels) Don't fall into the trap of wanting something too badly and building it up to be something bigger than it is.
With that said- are you secure in your relationship? Are you confident that he loves you? Do you feel as if he wants to be with you for the rest of your life? Then, good. If not, be open and honest with him about where you're feeling a little insecure.

And- feeling "left" doesn't just happen to the single folk. At 24 and married for four years (I know, I got married young!) and together for 7, I was the first to get married out of my friends. But, here I am, watching all of my other "less married" friends buy houses, get settled, etc. while that's still a goal DH and I have to put off a few years. In the end, though I struggle with jealousy, I'm exceedingly happy with my husband and our relationship, even if we don't own our own house (yet). Just as you can be exceedingly happy with your boyfriend and your relationship, even if you don't have a ring (yet)

As a side note to Carbs, please be a little more careful in your advocacy for celibacy- informing a woman that her boyfriend has no reason to marry her if she is having sex with him is both insulting by implying that a woman's only value is sex, and degrading to marriage by reducing it to nothing other than a sexual relationship. Also, implying that celibacy is a weapon or tool that we can use to get men to marry us is insulting to those of us who have practiced it based on a deeply rooted belief system.
I don't think i was advocating celibacy. In fact, my point wasn't about sex at all. You all just got caught up on the SEX part... seems like a personal issue. I mean seriously, did I ever say that he won't marry you if you're having sex? **** no. Me and my boyfriend have been having sex since a month after we started dating and he's wanted to marry me all during that. My mom certainly was no virgin when she and my father married, like most other humans. Why in the world would I say a man won't marry you if you're having sex? Perhaps you should have sought to understand where I was coming from first.

My POINT was that they were already living together, which is what married people do, and they were already having sex as well, another thing married people do... seeing as they are already living the lives of married people, why would he go through the extra trouble of buying a ring, and planning a ceremony, to get something he's always had? You made the same point, getting married won't change much seeing as they already live together. So for no other reason than making a legal declaration, why get married? It's just common sense.

It's like if you want someone to get a job, surely you don't think giving them $1,000 a week is going to make them do it.

I'm not trying to promote anything, I seriously couldn't care less how people live their lives. But if you've got a problem and you post it, I'm going to give my opinion. Don't like it... oh well.

Last edited by CarbsAreEvil; 08-25-2010 at 03:54 PM.
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Old 08-26-2010, 03:11 AM   #34  
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I am *so* with you. I will be 27 in a few months and it seems like all my friends are having babies, owning their own homes... My cousin who is only 3 months younger than me, we were always compared to each other, etc... is pregnant with her 3rd, with a wonderful husband a big house that they own outright because it was a wedding gift...

I live in an apartment that I struggle to maintain and although I really want a baby, I am no where NEAR being ready for one and even question if I could handle a puppy. I am in a LTR, but we have no plans on getting married.

It feels very isolating to go back home and visit the family and everyone has their babies, doting husbands, pretty rings and talk about home renovations... and its like "So, what are you up to?" "oh me? well, i go to the gym a lot... i work when I can.. um... I hang out at this dive bar with the bf a couple times a week... um..... I've been THINKING about grad school at some point..."

I have no words of advice other than - we may not have babies - but we get to sleep through the night, sleep in any morning we want, go see whatever movies we feel like, don't have to pay someone to sit at home with a child when we want to go get a drink and have a lot more freedom! Everything will come with time... I hope!
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Old 08-26-2010, 05:18 AM   #35  
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everyone around me are also doing the marriage and kid thing and im only 22. Actually a buddy of mine is 22 with 2 kids and getting a divorce. If you want to get married talk to him about it. Youve been together long enough to at least be able to talk about it
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:06 PM   #36  
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I agree with Carbs are Evil. I didn't see anything about withholding sex in her posts.

I think that having a sexual relationship prior to marriage is really important, but I think living with a boyfriend and being completely available to him gives a man little incentive to marry. I don't think it is about tricking a man, but I think that most men would find themselves content with the situation and not willing to change the status quo. Men don't work on clocks the way women do (i.e. get married by such and such an age, start getting pregnant by a certain age, etc. We have a much more limited window for reproduction then men.)

My husband is also a logical engineer. I would stay with him for a week or so at a time, but wouldn't consider moving in with him until their was a real commitment from him. The way it worked out was that I moved in with him after we were married. We had been together for 4+ years and I told him that if we wanted to get married I wanted to get engaged soon. IMO, after 4+ years a man knows whether he wants to marry you or not. If he says he does and makes excuses, he doesn't want to. A logical guy would know that getting engaged doesn't mean a trip down the aisle immediatly.

Lucid, you are still young and I know the social pressure is there, but I think after 6+ years and living together you are absolutly entitled to talk about a real commitment and a general timeline. At least to let him know what your expectations are. If he is unwilling to talk about it or talk about getting engaged, I would suggest moving on, not an ultimatium. There is no sense wasting your youth and your childbearing years on someone who isn't sure about your relationship after 6+ years or doesn't value something so important to you.

Lifestyle and relationships don't magically change after marriage, but don't believe a marriage is "only a piece of paper" if you want to have a marriage, not just a wedding. Spend time planning your marriage, not just your wedding, and you likely won't end up a statistic. Don't feel guilty for wanting a marriage, not just a live-in boyfriend.

Of course, I don't mean an offense to couples that are not married and live together. Some people are completely content with that situation and I don't judge that. My advice is geared toward a woman that wants a marriage.

Good luck to you!

Last edited by leopardspots; 08-26-2010 at 12:08 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:21 PM   #37  
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Oh i am not settling, marriage is not that important to me if i had to choose it or Him. No way in the world. I'd choose him, marriage or not. I couldnt imagine NOT living with him. Again no way

its more a feeling of "ok ready for the next step", its not huge. He doesnt make excuses. The only thing it comes down to is finances and him being in school which really are logical reasons not to get married.


I like your suggestion about plan your marriage. Thats a neat way to think of it.



I just want to put this out there: I love him, would never think of anyone else to spend my life with with or with out marriage papers. I understand his reasons for not - finances/schooling..etc. Because he does want a bit larger of one when we do have one so finances hinder that.

I know it will happen one day, I know kids will happen one day (i hope later than sooner haha). I just felt funny seeing all those around me being with people less time and them all going to that step. But when i look at them all they are all out of school...etc.
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:14 AM   #38  
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Quote:
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I agree with Carbs are Evil. I didn't see anything about withholding sex in her posts.
Okay, I will agree she didn't SPECIFICALLY say the words "WITHHOLD SEX"...but surely you both can see why people took this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarbsAreEvil View Post
We've been together for 2 years and we both want to marry each other, his finances are just in NO position to support a family. BUT I want him to hurry up and get them ready, therefore, I told him that we should be celibate until marriage and he's a christian so he thought it would be a difficult, but good idea. I just thought to myself, if he's already getting what a husband gets, why marry me?
...as that, right???
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Old 08-27-2010, 01:31 PM   #39  
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Natasha,

No, I don't see the suggestion of remaining celibate until marriage as withholding sex. My impression of reading that was that she threw the idea out there and he agreed with the idea. It wasn't an ultimatum. Some couples do go through periods of time where they abstain from sex, not to punish their partner, but as an experiment to change the dynamic of the relationship. Or they abstain because they think it will make the wedding night special. Withholding in my mind involves punishing or ultimatums. "He never helps around the house, he's not getting any" or "Unless I get a rock on my finger, I'm sleeping alone." Those sorts of things definitely do not work and just piss guys off.

Lucid,

I am glad that the two of you are very happy together. Finances and school are definitely legitimate reasons to wait. I just think that at this point you should know or feel comfortable discussing whether or not marriage is in his plans or not. Communication is key.

Last edited by leopardspots; 08-27-2010 at 01:32 PM. Reason: opps
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Old 08-27-2010, 02:19 PM   #40  
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You cannot be serious. Contrary to popular belief, sex can be enjoyable for women, too, and some of us have sex because *we* want to.
LOL yep... I annoy my poor DH with my pestering for sex, and I had a baby 9 weeks ago!

OP and her boyfriend sound like they are doing great, it's just not the right time for him to propose, financially or time-wise. I'm sure something will come up once that stuff is out of the way :P A lot of men would never dare ask a woman to marry them until they have finished school and established some kind of career. They often see it as an essential part of being a husband ~ the need to provide for his family.
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Old 08-27-2010, 07:45 PM   #41  
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Sacha i think thats exactly what it is

i just wanted to vent and sigh! haha
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:09 PM   #42  
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"You can't get some anymore until you marry me" is nothing BUT using sex as a weapon to get what you want. This is SO incredibly different than someone who really does believe in abstinence before marriage.
Dangerously off-topic, but I really want to respond to this.

There are people who believe in no sex before marriage. There are people who believe that no sex before marriage is...insert derogatory adjective in here.

But people change their minds, switch from one to the other, and this is possible within the span of a relationship (thank goodness).

Someone can be in a sexual non-married relationship, and then whilst thinking about marriage, can come to the conclusion that she or he does want to abstain until marriage. There can be many reasons for this, only one of which is 'using sex as a weapon to pressure the other into marriage'. Please don't assume that the one necessarily implies the other.

(For completeness, someone can change their minds in the other direction, of course, too.)
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Old 08-27-2010, 11:25 PM   #43  
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Yeah its a bit off topic, but i mean its part of marriage so not really
its all good
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Old 08-27-2010, 11:42 PM   #44  
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Natasha,

No, I don't see the suggestion of remaining celibate until marriage as withholding sex. My impression of reading that was that she threw the idea out there and he agreed with the idea. It wasn't an ultimatum. Some couples do go through periods of time where they abstain from sex, not to punish their partner, but as an experiment to change the dynamic of the relationship. Or they abstain because they think it will make the wedding night special. Withholding in my mind involves punishing or ultimatums. "He never helps around the house, he's not getting any" or "Unless I get a rock on my finger, I'm sleeping alone." Those sorts of things definitely do not work and just piss guys off.
LOL...yes, and she threw out the idea b/c she wanted him to hurry up and get his finances in order. Her words, not mine.

But anyway, sounds like the OP got it off her chest and feels better about it now, so I'm glad to hear that for sure. I have no doubt if the two of you have already discussed marriage to the point that it sounds like you have (big wedding, after school is done, etc) then it will be happening for you. It sounds like he wants to be financially secure so that he can provide for you and any kids you may have. I think that's really sweet...it sounds like you've got a good one.
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Old 09-04-2010, 05:56 PM   #45  
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lucid- i feel ya... sorta. i've been with my wonderful, sweet, loving, caring, funny, cuddly, sexy man for over 5 years now. I want to plan a wedding!! But I know we're not financially ready for it, and we refuse to let our families pay for the party. That's literally the only reason we aren't married. We want a rockin' party, and WE want to throw it. It gets frustrating watching ppl around us getting married left and right. And not just getting married either, but settling for less than they deserve because they feel like it's time, or they should, or something... I've watched a good friend, my 19 yr old cousin, AND my 2 sisters all meet and marry questionable guys within the time that I've been with my sexy man. Sad, especially bc I know there are guys like our guys out there!

But for the most part, I take solace (as should you) in the fact that I know with all of my heart and soul that this is the person I'm supposed to be with. And i AM with him. He's in it as much as I am, and we are happy. Which is the important part, right? But when we do get married, it's gonna be fab
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