Quote:
Originally Posted by PhotoChick
Ok, I know I said I was walking away from this thread, but I really feel like I need to defend myself here based on my very strong response to what EZ said.
Please note the original quote that got me upset:
The key phrases here:
"as a way out"
"fail to do what they need to save the marriage"
Neither my husband and I looked at divorce AS A WAY OUT. Nor did we FAIL TO DO WHAT WE NEEDED TO DO TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE. What has occurred between us is a basic incompatibility (influenced by time, age, and medication) that CANNOT BE FIXED without one of us compromising beyond what makes either of us happy.
To imply that we took the easy way out and didn't fight for our marriage or "failed to do what we needed to" is cruel and hurtful - because NO ONE knows our exact situation, and NO ONE knows what we did and have done for years to try to figure this out. And that experience has made me realize in a very real and personal way that no one ever knows what ANYONE has or hasn't done - and to say that anyone has "failed to do what the need to do", unless you are intimately involved in the relationship yourself, is rude, cruel, and hurtful.
We did not just blithely say "well we have a problem and I don't want to deal with it, so we're just gonna divorce".
Of course FINALLY, at some point, we had to say ... with tears and pain ... have we reached a point where divorce has become an option? And we had to answer ... again with tears and pain ... yes, at this point we've struggled and fought (separately and together). We've seen doctors and therapists. We've loved each other and still love each other ... but we cannot continue like this. And yes, divorce, no matter how much we don't want to think about it ... is something we now are going to consider.
I'm not saying that AT SOME POINT the option becomes valid.
I am saying that the comment that EZ made with it's blanket judgment that we (or any other couple struggling with this pain) just blew off our marriage and FAILED TO DO WHAT WE NEEDED TO so we could have A WAY OUT ... is unacceptable to me.
And I stand by that.
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I see your point....but I don't think EZ was saying that everyone who gets a divorce views it as a way out.....obviously I think there are several different situations where divorce is unavoidable (I could list several situations)
Photochick - I don't know your particular situation.....but if I may guess.....did you get married young? The way I took what you said about your divorce was it was due to incompatability....so I'm wondering if maybe it was something rushed or not well thought out or based on the wrong emotions like a pregnancy or something like that....please don't get mad I'm not saying that is what it was I'm just asking because the point in me saying this is.....you can never be 100 % sure of who your marrying and if they are going to change through the years....you can't control people.....
but I do believe that MOST (not ALL) marriages that are entered into at a young age or out of a feeling of obligation due to a pregnancy don't work out....again I said not all of these are the case......but everyone I have ever known to get married due to pregnancy has gotten a divorce and everyone I have ever known who got married before age 21 or so has also gotten divorced.....I think most men (MOST NOT ALL) mature a little slower than most (NOT ALL) women......I think this causes some problems.....I have known alot of people who get married and the man still thinks he can get out and go to bars and get out with the guys and run around and that never works and he wasn't ready to give it up.....
I could really go on and on about this....but really each person's situation is unique and has different factors affecting it....
to the person who started this thread....you have a valid concern and shouldn't be sorry for starting this thread.....I think the fact that you are concerned about this will help you be more aware of things when you enter into marriage and possibly have a more successful marriage...
my advice.....before marriage really look at yourself and the things you do...are you ready to sacrifice things for a marriage and someone else...things like...not going out and running around (clubs, bars, parties....if you do that sort of thing)....look at things that are important to you and how they will affect your relationship...this could be something as small as shopping habits...things you like to eat...or something as big as religion...
then I would look at the top 5-6 reasons why marriage fails....and discuss those things with your partner....find out if there are any expectations in those areas....go ahead and decide how you will handle things.....for example one of the main reasons for divorce is finances (money).....go ahead and decide how your budget will work...how you will handle problems and spending...and how will you adjust the budget and changes or emergencies arise.....and do somethinglike that for each of the top reasons for divorce
I hope I didn't offend.....I'm not saying my comments apply 100% across the board....everyone has their own unique situation....I wish that everyone could be as happy as they are on their honeymoon!
Photochick - I am sorry for what you had to go through.....it sounds like it was a very emotional and painful time...and I am sorry for you for that....I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy......the only thing I can say is I truely believe things happen for a reason and your true love could be out there somewhere if you haven't already found them!
