[nelie]

Lizzie - I know you say your husband won't talk or listen but...

Have you said anything to him like "I'm very unhappy, if things don't change, I can see our marriage coming to an end"? or "I don't want it to happen but I'd like to fix the direction our marriage is going before it gets to the point of divorce"

I know some people think that they and others can live forever in an unhappy situation and nothing will change. Maybe if he understood that things NEED to change, then maybe that would help?

[Hat Trick]

I'm with Slashnl and EZ on this. Life takes it tolls and can change people but if both are commited to it for the long haul, things don't need to end in divorce. Just my take on it.

Then again maybe, for some, being shorter of breath and one day closer to death makes that grass on the other side seem awfully green . . .

[Hattie22]

I have been married to my husband and best friend for 27 years. We had some hard times early in our marriage. We worked through it. Most of it was from crap that we brought with us from our families' dysfunction. We have grown together but not the same. Communication is key! I can't remember the last fight we had. It was so long ago. We may not agree on every little thing but we respect each other enough to not let that get in our way. I try to encourage him and he encourages me. He has never been negative about my weight. Only I have been. He is one of those people that will always be slim. I think that we are true partners. We treat each other as that. We talk a lot and we are now at that point that we say the same things and think more alike. I do feel that he is my soul mate and can't imagine going through life without him. I think we try hard to meet each others needs even if we might not agree with them. BTW... he is not a deep thinker and I am. I have learned to know that about him and he has learned to listen. I have to say, over the years he has become more of a deep thinker. Marriage is hard work and the most rewarding relationship I have ever had. We have two grown children..24 and 22. We love them more than words can say. We always kept in mind that the family started with us. We are important as a couple as well as a mom and dad.

I just had to express how I feel about marriage.

[PhotoChick]

One can be committed and realize that it simply isn't going to work out. That doesn't mean that we wanted what happened or that we're happy about it.

.

[joyra]

My parents just got a divorce after 25 years of marriage. It seemed "out of the blue" especially since their roughest times were years earlier but I think my dad had met someone else. He was remarried two years after he left my mom. The reason he gave for leaving was "I'm getting older and there's things I want to do before I die." My mom was very upset because she's like, well, I would've been supportive!

Truthfully, I'm sure he brought up things he wanted to do and my mom blew them off. He was passive and my mom was dominant and aggressive--very critical too. He is very happy with his new wife and they have so much in common and my dad is a changed (for the better) person. My mom is still suffering--she was religious and figured a so-so marriage was her lot in life... she is struggling to see anything positive out of the divorce.

My aunt and uncle are near divorce too. They had what seemed to be a great match... just great partners. But my uncle had a lot of bad things happen to him, physically, emotionally, financially and he started drinking a lot. Had to go to rehab. They had to sell their house for him to go. And he came back with promises and broke them within days.

That's just two examples of long term marriages that ended. Many friends are also having their parents divorce or near divorce.

I really think kids, for better or worse, bind people. When the kids are gone, it seems people think "Ok, I have half my life left or less... am I happy?" Even my aunt, who when faced with a situation that's definitely "for worse," realizing it may never get better, probably thought "I don't want to live the rest of my life like this."

I'm not married but I am in a serious relationship that has no foreseeable plans of marriage. Sometimes I wish I was married so I could have the stability of a commitment like that. Other times I never want to marry because I see too many people "stuck" in situations that probably won't improve.

Anyways, I think I've stopped viewing successful relationships as being a good husband/wife/gf/bf, but rather as having PARTNERS. The most ideal relationships I've seen, both people work together almost like a business situation. Isn't business people working together to achieve a goal/profit/something positive? I've seen marriages with a good wife, or a good husband, but that's just not enough. When the kids grow up and leave, 'what do I want to do with the rest of my life' is only half the equation... how can we achieve it is what's important. If we can't, or there is no we, then I think that's where people are heading for the door.

[CountingDown]

I agree with a lot that has been said. For the record, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary in Dec.

It doesn't happen out of the blue. Little things along the way add up. You can choose to ignore them, or you can deal with them. But, like pebbles in a jar, they do add up to a significant mass.

It takes dedication, hard work, and ATTENTION to make a marriage work. You must give it the time and energy it deserves. ANYTHING you neglect will wither away.

Many of my friend's marriages that have resulted in divorce are because the two parties have grown apart - not together. When life happens, particularly children - there are many, many demands on our time. It takes a conscious effort to make the marriage a priority. But, it must be done.

When the children leave home, you then realize you are living with either - your best friend - someone you are delighted to finally spend more time with or - a stranger - someone that you have grown apart from, gradually over the years. It is those in the latter category that usually divorce.

EZ is right on the "money: with this one - if divorce is an option in the back of your mind - when life throws challenges at you, particularly if your spouse is the reason for those challenges - you will likely separate. If you truly believe that marriage is a life-long committment - that the two DO become one - then - you will most likely work through whatever the problems are.

For me, we have grown together over the years. We do most things together and enjoy each other's company above anyone else's. It is a joy to be with my DH - and we have fun together. We envision a future together, we make plans and talk about what we want to do in retirement.

Bottom line - a million choices made over the course of the marriage determine how it will end. Much like gaining weight - each choice we make has a consequence - and over the course of many years, those consequences make us who we are - hopefully - a healthier, stronger, kinder, wiser person.

Off

[PhotoChick]

EZ is right on the "money: with this one - if divorce is an option in the back of your mind - when life throws challenges at you, particularly if your spouse is the reason for those challenges - you will likely separate. If you truly believe that marriage is a life-long committment - that the two DO become one - then - you will most likely work through whatever the problems are.

Not only do I disagree with ths, it's a HUGE slap in the face to those of us who were totally committed to our marriage and never entertained the thought of divorce (in fact we agreed early on that even joking about divorce was not something we wanted to have in our home) and wound up divorcing anyway.

The judgement and blame assayed in this attitude is hurtful and uncalled for, IMO.

Until you've walked in someone else's shoes - or someone else's marriage, then you have no understanding at all.

.

[EZMONEY]

Originally Posted by PhotoChick

Not only do I disagree with ths, it's a HUGE slap in the face to those of us who were totally committed to our marriage and never entertained the thought of divorce (in fact we agreed early on that even joking about divorce was not something we wanted to have in our home) and wound up divorcing anyway.

The judgement and blame assayed in this attitude is hurtful and uncalled for, IMO.

Until you've walked in someone else's shoes - or someone else's marriage, then you have no understanding at all.

.

You have every right to disagree with this PHOTOCHICK but to refresh what I said..."As long as divorce is an optionfor one or both people in the marraige, you will probably end up there."

There is NO WAY COUNTINGDOWN was placing judgement on anyone. She simply agreed with what I said. In any situation where a couple divorced at least one allowed it to be an OPTION.

It was an option for my first wife...not for me...it is NOT AN OPTION for Angie and I. I or Counting had no intention of pointing fingers at anyone.

[JulieJ08]

You both said probably. Neither of you implied that all marriages could or should be saved.

[bargoo]

I don't think people ask for a divorce, you do not need your spouse's permission to get a divorce. I married someone that I trusted with my life. I expected to be married to him for the rest of my life or his. Of all the people I met in my entire life he is the last person I would expect to lie to me.But he did lie and cheat, I couldn't live with someone who betrayed me. It was a long painful time before a divorce happened. I have had opportunities to remarry but I will not go through another divorce. If I couldn't trust the man I married I for darn sure can't trust anyone else. Before a divorce happened in my life I thought people got divorced because they wanted to.It just doesn't work that way,

[lizziep]

Originally Posted by nelie

Lizzie - I know you say your husband won't talk or listen but...

Have you said anything to him like "I'm very unhappy, if things don't change, I can see our marriage coming to an end"? or "I don't want it to happen but I'd like to fix the direction our marriage is going before it gets to the point of divorce"

I know some people think that they and others can live forever in an unhappy situation and nothing will change. Maybe if he understood that things NEED to change, then maybe that would help?

i actually have tried these things. it just isn't getting through to him and i'm pretty sure it won't. but - he may surprise me... we'll see.

[jimaterry]

i have a 22 year old daughter and a 24 year old son.. i love them both unconditionally.. there is NOTHING they could do to change that... they have both done things to me in their teens that if it were anyone else i would have walked out of their lives.. but they are my kids.. NOTHING would make me walk or stop loving them...

my husband and i love each other unconditionally as well...divorce is NOT an option for us.. i may not love EVERYthing he does.. but i love HIM...marriage has become a disposable commodity and its sad.. in fact 'familys' have become disposable as well ....... its become imho a me me me generation.. IM not happy, IM not fulfilled, IM not getting what i need..

i dont think divorce comes out of the blue too often... if my husband is sad, i know it.. if he is sick, i can tell.. if he is angry i know it.. he doesnt have to tell me, i just know HIM.. so that being said, if he was pulling away..getting distant, im sure i would see the signs.. and i would try to nip whatever was going on in the bud..i would fight for him and our marriage just like i would fight for my children.. there is always the chance i might not succeed, but i would give it my best..

[GatorgalstuckinGA]

i am still newly married (2.5 yrs) so i don't have a lot to offer but this. I think people do change as they get older...but if you don't work thr that, then the marriage will fail. my parents just celebrated their 40 yr anniversary this summer. And they are happier then they were when they first got married. But for them, divorce WAS Not an option due to their beliefs and up bringing. But what i will tell you is they did go thr a rough part (it wasn't always a perfect marriage). They did argue a lot. And then they found counseling (everyone find something that works). They went thr a program called marriage encounter. And they learned how to love each other again...and talk, work things out. But it definately take two to do this. So if one person isn't willing, it won't work. they both were willing to do whatever to save their marriage. And now they have. And like i stated, they are very very happy. Its not just a long term misery marriage. So hopefully that helps you. I say don't freak out about, but make sure you and DH are always talking and trying to grow as a couple. Good luck!

[CountingDown]

Originally Posted by PhotoChick

The judgement and blame assayed in this attitude is hurtful and uncalled for, IMO.

Until you've walked in someone else's shoes - or someone else's marriage, then you have no understanding at all.

.

PhotoChick - there is no judgment or blame in my comment, really - only an observation. Not all marriages can be saved, and there are some times where divorce is the best and even only - option. But I do believe that it comes into play way too often, when a marriage could be saved. I feel strongly about this because of my own family history.

I grew up in an abusive family, where my parents divorced when my youngest brother was only a few weeks old. It was the right decision for my parents. It was the right decision for our family. But, the effect divorce has on a family, particularly when there are children involved, is significant.

Because of my family history, I became a counselor. I have worked with many abuse and neglect and addiction situations over the years. Thus, I would never judge or blame anyone for their decision or their circumstances. The decision to end a marriage is one that should be made by the family alone, hopefully with as much help and support as they can find along the way.

[JayEll]

I agree with CountingDown that in some cases, divorce is the best option. It's just too simple to say, Oh, if it's not an option, then people will stay married.

For example, if a woman discovers that her husband has been sexually abusing the children, why would she not consider divorce, even if she had been fully committed to the marriage?

To raw23: There is simply no guarantee about anything. You may or may not stay married until one of you dies. People do decide to go their separate ways, and when they do, it's not necessarily because of a failing on anyone's part.

Jay