SHANE ~ YOU are a lovely, young lady; and I want you to know that all Christians ARE NOT against gay people, as you can tell from what EZ says. I have a cousin who is gay, and he is sad that a 'few' family members won't accept his gay choices. The thing that I find odd is, that he hasn't noticed yet that there are MORE people in our family who are not disowning or rejecting him.
I differ in my opinion on how to deal with this. My cousin tried the 'IN YOUR FACE' pushy tactics and that back-fired on him big-time (and a few others I know). When the family first finds out someone is gay, they are taken off guard, becuz of crisis of identity, societal prejudices; and the broken dreams they had for that person's future. You are wise and you already know this ...
I find it odd that no one here has mentioned respecting your parents' rights to their own personal beliefs (unless I missed it, sorry; thread is long)! You are free to live and celebrate in your own home as you like; shouldn't they have that right too??? You know they love YOU; it's the lifestyle choices they have a problem with.
One alternative (which has already been mentioned) is to introduce your partner as a friend to start, in a discreet way; then later on, as the family has time to get to know her, they may become more accepting. This is less offensive and combative; which will go a long way to keep the peace for everyone involved, which is really what you want, I think!
The second option is that you both have several friends and family members that do accept you, so why don't you two have a holiday celebration and invite them to your place, including your parents? Then it is up to them who shows up, and you both still get to have a nice celebration with some family members and friends over the holidays.
I also agree with EZ about this one thing; we think that YOU are wonderful, and never forget that very important fact!!! ROSEBUD
My Mom was very homophobic- she wouldn't accept the fact that a couple of her beloved nephews were gay, so she denied it by saying they just hadn't found "the one". She absolutely loved and adored them, and that never changed, but accept that they were gay- uh uh.
Funny, we had a conversation about this at our dinner table recently. I had to tell my kids and hubby that one of my cousin's sons was having a sex change operation. Poor guy has suffered all of his life living in a man's body but feeling like a woman deep down. Tests results showed he had excess female hormones in his system- even with that, his parents and two sisters and their spouses refuse to support him and have cut him off.
I told my kids right there and then- if this was the case with any one of them, or should they be attracted to the same sex, I would love them no matter what and accept their lifestyle. To lose a child over a sexual preference to me is just absurd- you love them since conception, how does that love change over something that is private and personal (sex in the bedroom) anyway?
Now, I won't say I'll welcome the partner with open arms right off the bat- like any "partner" my children choose in their future, they will have to prove to me they are worthy of my child. They will have to show me that they will be loving, devoted, loyal and true to my child, or otherwise, Mamma Bear won't accept them whether they're from the opposite sex or same sex.
Shane- keep trying to introduce her IF you feel she's going to be your partner for life down the road and feel strongly about this. Eventually they may come to accept her- they may not accept your lifestyle, but they may accept her as a caring, decent person and welcome her at gatherings, even if they try to do what my mother did and deny the truth of the relationship and just consider her your friend.
Hang in there, sweetie.
Last edited by Steelslady; 11-26-2007 at 04:20 AM.
Reason: spelling boo boo
Hey Shane, this is kinda late (sorry) but I hope that your holiday worked out. I think it's a shame if your parents can't accept your lifestyle choice, because you seem like such a wonderful person, and I would hate for them to miss out on being able to be close with you. I wish the best for you and your partner, and I just hope that your parents evenatually come around. I can't imagine the harships you guys must face sometimes when dealing with people who don't understand. At least you know you have TONS of supporters here
I've developed a new mindset to deal with these situations that has been helping. I basically say, to myself and to THEM if the subject comes up and they start saying derogatory things about my relationship, that "it appears that your beliefs are incompatible with my personal truths. I hope we can change the subject".
Wow at the pages of responses. Obviously I haven't read them all, I've only read maybe two posts. lol But I thought I would throw my opinion in as well.
So far you have mentioned that friends, siblings and cousins accept your relationship, only parents don't. You also have to think of the age. Cousins, sibs and friends are more likely to be on a friend level with you and more likely to be your age. People our age are for the most part, accepting. Our generation says "we don't care, as long as you are happy". Our parents ages? Heck no. They say "be the boring 60's wife, cook, clean and bear children". Anything that doesn't fit into that little mold, they just don't want to understand. So, you have to understand the way they were raised and what they were taught to believe is "normal" and that anything outside that little box is not normal and should not under any circumstances be accepted.
But if your parents love you, they should accept who you are and the woman that you love. I am all for respecting someone's beliefs but that is also a two way street. They don't ever have to full on accept it but it needs to come to a point where you can at least bring your girlfriend with you and they respect that she is a huge part of your life. The next time you have a get together, I would bring her. So that they aren't shocked, I would keep the PDA at a min. and just let them get use to seeing you two together.
Different subject: I once wanted to buy my son a cute little boyish play kitchen. My mother however told me, in all seriousness, "if you let him play with girl toys he is going to turn out gay". Very interesting seeing as my husband use to always play Barbies and Mall Madness with his sister and he's straight as a board. lol I let that go and the next time we talked on the phone she mentioned it again. I informed her that if my son ended up being gay I would throw him his own coming out party, including male strippers just for the occassion. She actually didn't speak to me for two months because I said sarcastically that I would have no problem with it. The age difference, the mindset we each grew up with REALLY clashes. Had I ever felt that I were bisexual or a lesbian, I would have been disowned. No doubt about it. Unfortunately some people are raised to be extremely close minded. You just need to crack that shell they have covering their existence. Good luck to you both!!! I really do hope that each of your parents will in the future be much more accepting of your relationship. It may be a slow process but I believe that you need to slowly start introducing your parents to your girlfriend and just ease them in.
My DH's Uncle is gay and from what I understand it was difficult for the family, but they did come around. Since I've been around the family he is treated just like any other family member. His partner passed before I was able to meet him, but from what I've heard people say he was loved by the family as well. Love can conquer many things. BTW, DH and his family are Catholic (which it sounds like your parents may be since they want you to go to confession.)
Of course, I also agree that it is your life and you can't live it for your family! You are a beautiful person (in and out) regardless of whether your family supports you or not!
I have to say, I'm feeling rather naive after reading this. I had no idea that so many people held these prejudices still. I blame this on my liberal California family. Lol.
I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I in no way can comprehend your situation since I'm married and have certain religious beliefs, I accept alternative lifestyles choices for others but the church I grew up in was very against homosexuals and would really preach about stereotypes so I was very naive and at one point clueless about how others choose to live their lives. The people I've met that choose to have a different lifestyle do not engage in or embody these stereotypes and I find them to be great people. However I have had my share of family problems and it does hurt when your parents refuse to accept something or someone that is so important to you. I hope you and your girlfriend find a solution somehow!!
Last edited by blondebritbrat17; 11-26-2007 at 01:55 PM.
This thread is really interesting. BTW, I have read a number of your threads and read your posts and I am totally impressed with what you are doing, not just with your body, but with your willingness as a young woman to come to a community of women and present this question.
I'm reading it as a parent of two young daughters. It occurs to me that if you can find your parents underlying anxieties and address them, that would go a long way in managing the way you present the information and your girlfriend to them. So I am going to type my perceptions and opinions, though they may have nothing to do with your parents. I'm not very religious, and I see sexuality as very private and personal. So I may be off base, but still, I'm going to type these up, just in case some of these resonate for you.
I am trying to imagine how I would feel if one or both of my daughters were bisexual or lesbian.
I would feel some anxiety over the grandchildren issue (though many, if not most lesbians have babies in committed relationships), and I would want a nice girlfriend for my daughter, but the lesbian sexuality issue would not be a big issue for me. In fact, it feels very private somehow, almost a boundary issue to get involved with my daughters' sexual preferences -- like that part of her life is not any of my business any more than any other thing in her sex life as an adult woman.
I guess I would be concerned about future babies more than anything, because I really want grandchildren and I want my daughters to be able to have enough financial security to be able to choose to stay at home with their babies if they want to do that. I think that in general, men make more money. However, I will say this -- in my biased observation, it seems that lesbian women, even those with young children, are very successful in the business arena and I would not be that concerned if it appeared my daughter's wife could be a good provider.
For me, it's all about my daughters and my grandchildren. The other person would be tangential to the happiness of my daughters and my grandchildren. I know this sounds awful, but I think that a lot of MILs feel that way (boy, they sure act like they do, anyway).
On the grandchildren front, I would want to make sure that my grandchildren were raised in a pro-lesbian community, like Vermont, for example. I would object strenuously if they proposed to raise my grandchildren somewhere that was intolerant of lesbians, because I would want my grandchildren to be raised in an environment where they would not be discriminated against. Similarly, I would be delighted if my lesbian daughter had a supportive pro lesbian community (I think neutral is not really neutral) and I would be very upset if she chose to move to an anti lesbian community because of her girlfriend's job.
Does that make sense? I think as a mother my concern would be with my daughter and my grandchildren. The whole going to **** thing would not bother me, though.
It sounds like you are on a very interesting and meaningful journey in your life.
Now, I won't say I'll welcome the partner with open arms right off the bat- like any "partner" my children choose in their future, they will have to prove to me they are worthy of my child. They will have to show me that they will be loving, devoted, loyal and true to my child, or otherwise, Mamma Bear won't accept them whether they're from the opposite sex or same sex.
IThe funny part is, I could not have cared less that they were a gay couple, but they failed to mention to me that they were extremely environmentally strict, which affected my daily life much more than them sharing a bed
.
Thank you for giving me some much needed laughter. This post just cracked me up.
This is a very interesting thread and an eye-opener for me. Coming from the UK I'm surprised how much anti-gay feelings still seem to exit over the pond amongst MY generation. I'm not saying from members of this board but from the accounts of members of this board. At nearly 44 I'm guessing I'm closer in age to Shane's parents than Shane herself and yet I thought we lived in a liberal, tolerant society. I have a close gay (female) friend and other acquaintances who are gay. None of these are 'on scene' or perpetuate a stereotype - I don't think they need to they are who they are and live their lives as 'normally' as I do -work hard, have mortgages, look after their kids in a secure and monogamous relationship. What can be objectionable about that?
Having said all this I do think some peoples' views are very entrenched and it willl be difficult, if not impossible, to change them. I do hope Shane that your parents will learn to understand and will be accepting of your choice of partner but in order to see what kind of people your parents really are you're going to have to test the waters and see. Calmly ask them if they are ready yet to meet your partner, if they say no respect that for now but ask again in say 6 months or a years time. Let them know how important it is for you that you and your GF are recognised as a couple. If they continue to refuse to do that then at least you know where you stand.
I have a few friends & relative who are gay. And they've had different levels of acceptance. Ironically, my 80ish, very religiously Catholic great aunt is probably one of the more accepting of one of her son's being gay. What the ones who have had to deal with not being accepted have done is create their own holiday traditions (going away or a nice cozy one at home) or compromise by visiting one or the other's family, but staying a hotel or with more supportive friends/family. Or visiting right after the holiday (the stresses of holiday preparations seem to magnify any existing issues).
And even if they're disapproving now, they may change down the road, particularly if you have allies in siblings. One lesbian couple I'm friendly with had to deal with a mom who was convinced they were going to ****. When one of her straight daughters got married, she included this couple in her wedding party. The mother threw a fit & threatened not to come. The straight daughter called her on the bluff and she knew this would affect relationships with future grandkids, etc. So she's behaving a bit more civilly now & has eased up on the old fire & brimstone routine.
My stepbrother is white & my stepsister-in-law is black. When they first got together, a lot of people on both sides had issues with it. But eventually everyone came around & people can be civil now. I know when I'd hear the objections, I'd just point out the common sense, logical stuff.
Some people become more accepting of a relative's sexual orientation when they meet the actual person (that's sort of what happened with my great-aunt). Others seem to be ok with it in theory, but not in practice. From what I've observed, I don't know of any one way to predict which it will be. But I hope it goes well for you.
ROSEBUD 
She absolutely loved and adored them, and that never changed, but accept that they were gay- uh uh. 
