Robin~don't get me wrong. I love my kids even with their faults! I remember when I was pregnant with #2 (#1 is a girl) I told my Mom I was hoping for another girl. My mom said that little boys are just as cuddly as little girls. She was wrong--they are more cuddly! My DS is so much closer to me than DD ever was. Not that she isn't close, he is just closer.
Isn't the real issue about knowing yourself and doing the right thing for YOU and not for anyone else? I have a friend whose husband absolutely wanted kids, and she did not. She had them, with the deal that they would "become his problem" once she delivered. I can't stand to be over there because the kids are clearly suffering. He's a great dad, but it is SO obvious that she resents these kids, and spends ALL of her time (and I mean ALL of it) yelling at them over stupid stuff. I grew up the product of parents who felt it was their "responsibility" to procreate. I felt this burden every day, and still do.
On the other hand, I have a friend who has a genetic disorder that is shortening her life significantly (she has about 3 years left, we think), yet despite this knowledge and despite the high chance of passing this on to her kids, decided to have two of her own after her diagnosis. I fear that in her quest for self-fulfillment, her children will be pay the price. Both of them have inherited the genetic defect, and have a life expectancy of around 35 yrs. Her husband, knowing the risks, really didn't want to have kids but she stopped her BCP without telling him and presented him with the fact that she was pregnant. He had no say in the matter.
Now the pressure is on ME to have kids, and we are unable to have them due to medical issues that are not resolvable. Now the pressure is on us to adopt. I have even had relatives tell me that I don't have kids because I am clearly too selfish a person. I can't tell you how difficult this is, especially since my medical condition is somewhat unstable and the medications that I am on may have long-term side-effects that are undefined at this moment.
Bottom line - if you want kids, GREAT. There is no doubt that kids are a joy and a blessing and rewarding and fulfilling to those with that pull. If you don't want them, that should be OK too. And, if you know someone who can't have them and doesn't want to adopt, please don't judge.
I do believe that it's "normal" to not have children if one isn't feeling called to do so. One reason enough is over population.
I have one little boy nine yrs old. I've always known I wanted to have a child(ren) since I was a little girl. I used to volunteer at church nurseries, was a day camp counselor, and babysat until I had my own. I get pregnant easily but I've had three miscarriages after having my son and just went to a specialist to see about possibly having a second (I'm 38) and if we can't then we'll probably adopt.
When I was pregnant with my son, all I could think of was that I didn't want to just bring a human being into the world for my own enjoyment and "to take up space in the world" and what I mean by that is I feel it is a huge responsibility to bring a life into the world that will make a difference.
I grew up not feeling important, like I was a hassle for my mother to care for me after my parents got divorced when I was 7 yrs old and watched her struggle as a single mom. I tell my son almost on a daily basis that there was a huge cosmic reason that he was born (and every other human) and so it is his JOB that he always do his best, have an open mind and watch for the "clues" that the Universe/God will give him along the path of his life and to be kind and helpful to all (humans,animals,earth) in the process. He can still be the occasional brat like all kids (or all of us) can be-like every night at bedtime- but overall people comment on what a creative thinking child he is.
Parenting can be so hard and is definitely the most challenging thing I've ever done in my life and I'm far from perfect. It's a lot of energy and time on a daily basis to filter outside influences and enforce boundaries, kindness, manners, self-discipline.
On the other hand, I also don't feel like having a child has put a big damper on my husband's and my accomplishments. In fact, I like to think that my endeavours are a great example to him to follow one's dreams. Maybe because we only have one, we travel, take him to dinner, museums, hiking, camping, etc. and so I don't feel like it's stopped us from doing anything. My husband and I are p/t musicians and we take him to our shows (not on school nights though) and even took him on the road for eight months in an RV when he was seven across the U.S.
I can't imagine not having him in my life for so many reasons but the one gift I didn't expect when becoming a mother is that I've had to do so much work on myself and get over my own issues so I could step up to the plate and do the parenting job I knew I wanted to do. He gives me daily reasons to practice patience, compassion, kindness, and self control. I feel like having a child has made me a much better person than I might have been had I not become a parent.
p.s. I have a dog and a cat that I love dearly too
Aw, Nelie, of COURSE you are abnormal! That is why we love you so!
Seriously, in our culture, it is ok not to have kids, and so it is hard to decide. In our parents day, it was a given....you got married and had kids. Period. My family was very children oriented, and most of us are teachers, and naturally talented with children. I never considered NOT having them. Like Liz321, I am not sure if I had it to do all over again, I would have them. I have three...and I love them with all my heart, but it is a painful experience at times. I firmly believe you can't experience true happiness with out first experiencing true pain though. Children can and will enrich your life, but not everyone will feel that way. It is perfectly normal to question.
The "I really really dont ever want children" feeling
And then the VAST majority of people who are in the "I think maybe umm....maybe not...um....well do I have to have that burning desire to BE a good parent.....well last week I kinda thought it was a good idea, but this week heck no, and does it matter that I think my nephew is a brat, shouldnt I love kids in general? Well how do you know WHEN is the right time, if I am meant to be a parent I'll just wake up one day and KNOW right? (NO)"....etc.
In that case the only thing to do is try and figure out how you will feel when you are 80. And then close your eyes and jump one way or the other.
Alinell, you didn't have to tell me that you love and adore your kids. I knew that already. I am very fortunate to be close with all my girls. Though some are cuddlier then others. When I was pregnant with #1 I wanted a girl so badly. And I got her. Pregnant with #2 I wanted a boy so badly. got another girl, same thing with #3. I would have liked a son I think, even with their fascination with their ummm, members. Just would have been a different experience. It was not meant to be for me. I wasn't willing to have anymore then 3, dh would have loved more, even girls. HAving said that, if I could go back and have a son, but only 3 kids, I would never trade in one of my daughters for one. Well duh. We love and adore who we get.
But I gotta tell you if I didn't want any children there would be no way in **** that I would have um. Not even if hubby wanted them. No guilt, nothing. I'm so glad for me it was clear cut. I wish it was as clear cut for everyone. It does make such a big decision so much easier. I could see it being agony for those that are in between.
I never much liked other kids though besides my own. Have zero patience for them. Although I'm really looking forward to being a grandma, they're close enough to my own and I guess in some ways they will be like my own. I'm not so sure if my daughters would agree.
Yup Nelie! You're abnormal. How can you believe you are a fully functioning woman and NOT want kids? Now if you believe that then I have some GREAT land in Florida to sell to you and the price is so great you don't even need to see the land before you pay me the really cheap $2M asking price!
I think it's a good thing that not everyone wants to have children. The world does not need to have everyone reproduce. You all are saying these things in a much more thoughtful way than I am, however - because I just want to say I'd rather be bludgeoned with a crowbar than have a child! Ahem. Ok, back to "normal."
I never much liked other kids though besides my own. Have zero patience for them. Although I'm really looking forward to being a grandma, they're close enough to my own and I guess in some ways they will be like my own. I'm not so sure if my daughters would agree.
My kids are only 4 months and 3 and I could totally dig being a grandma. Its all of the good stuff without the crap. Spoil em, play with them, and send them HOME.
That is the one downside about waiting so long to have kids, I will be ancient by the time I have grandkids.
Not everyone is meant to be a parent. Not everyone will feel that pull to become one.
I always knew I wanted to be a parent. I have a wonderful 5 year old. It's trying, it's hard and it never gets easier, but I wouldn't trade being a mom for the world.
We homeschool too and just like with parenthood, homeschooling's not for everyone.
I never, ever, ever wanted to have kids. I think my mother would have been more shocked if I told her I did than when I confirmed I did not. I've been cruising for a hysterectomy since I was 35 (am 43 now) and all they would do for me was tie my tubes.
The funny bit is that my boyfriend doesn't want any either and had taken appropriate steps to prevent it from happening (why is it that doctors are happy to do a snip but you have to move God and earth to do a bit of surgery?).
Some folks just know that they're not the parental types. And after watching many, many parents with many, many kids, I can see that there are some other folks in the world who should have been a bit more honest with each other. Hooray for those who recognize it...but oh, I feel for the kids of parents who did not.
It's definately something that you hit a certain age or maturity level or span of you life and you start thinking about it. I am one of those on the fencers I guess. If I got pregnant I would definately keep the baby.. but I'm not going out of the way to get pregnant either.
I think I'd be a good mom, everyone at work always teases me for being the mom at work, or having a mom purse because any time anybody needs anything from motrin to a bandaid to a safety pin chances are I have it with me.
The things that stop me really are fear that my husband would leave me because he is THAT anti-child, fear that I won't be able to give them the kind of life they deserve, and fear that we won't be able to afford to have them.
Of course poor people have been having kids for years, and I don't think they shouldn't be allowed to or anything like that.. I just have distinct memories of being poor as a kid and it was tough. I would never want to discourage my kid from playing a sport like I was. I don't want to take my kids to the outside of some place, and not let them go in. I don't want to be in a position where they are constantly reminded that they can't do things. So while I don't think it's vital to be rich to have a kid, I think it would be a good start that I at least am able to support myself first.
I was a mother at a VERY young age. I always "wanted" to be a mother. I now think in MY case, it was because I didn't have a good mother myself (mine was mentally ill) and I wanted to have something of my own to love. We have 3 daughters, now 31, 26 and 18. I don't know that it was because of my circumstances (not having a role model or a mother to "learn" from??) Raising the first two was very difficult for me. The 3rd one has been a joy from day one. I am now 46 years old - and they are all adults now. I am glad they are who they are and I am pleased with the people they turned out to be (inspite of my inadequacies) BUT, on the other hand, I am glad that I can now find ME. I was a mother from the age of 15 - (and married to the same man now for 30 years) Our youngest goes to college this fall, and I am looking forward to just being me....finding out what I like, what I want to do, what is fun for me. I know that must seem so selfish to some, but in the last 30 years I have literally put everyone else first. I love my girls with all my heart, don't get me wrong ~ I am just glad to be able to do my own thing for the first time in my life.
And the Grandchildren thing.....YES ~ I LOVE being a Gramma. We have a 7 year old Grandson and he is sooo much fun. I think I enjoy him so much because he isn't mine to raise - I just get to spoil him and send him back home. (although he is here more than he is home for the most part - he even has his own room here!) He lives only 3 blocks from us - so he never is very far away!
Do not feel badly if you choose not to have children ~ that is a very personal decision. I wish more people would think about whether it is something they REALLY want rather than just having them because they're "supposed" to.
Oh Mrs. Quadcrew I didn't realize we had something else in common, both having 3 daughters. And yes, loving them to pieces but looking forward to when they are all out the door. That's why I wanted to have them young and fairly close in age. Get it over with so to speak. And then move on over to grandmahood.
And for sure being a grandma has got to be a fantastic experience - love em, spoil em - SEND EM HOME!!!! I've often joked to DH that I would have preferred to just be a Grandma (not an option, huh?).
I've known from a very young age that I never wanted to be a mother. The urge isn't there and never will be. While I like kids (a select few mind you) I would never want one of my own 24 hours a day for the rest of my life. Kids are not for me, just like cats are not for some. Of course people have questioned my decision but you know what it is my decision. I have my reasons and I am comfortable with them. In this modern world women are free to find themselves and be defined by something other than motherhood. So do what is right for you and know that you are not alone.
If you want, research the term "childfree". There are tons of pages and blogs out there supporting people who choose not to have children. A good place to start is purplewomenblog.blogspot.com
Amen to my nonreproductive sisters!
So while I don't think it's vital to be rich to have a kid, I think it would be a good start that I at least am able to support myself first.
