I went back and forth for YEARS. I think I always assumed I would have kids because thats what you did. And while I loved babies, toddlers and up were not real high on my like list.

My life plan was always to have kids starting at about 28 and being done by about 32. (I got married at 21)

When I was 27 I went off the pill for a whopping 1 month and absolutely FREAKED. I did NOT want kids. My life was finally becoming what I wanted it to be. The pill and I remained friends for several more years.

I never felt a really strong pull after that. Part of me wanted kids, part of me didnt. Mostly I worried that I would hit 45 and regret it if I didnt. That was dh's worry, because he was always fairly neutral on the topic. Even when I decided to give it a go, I wasnt sure. (I was 33 - so much for that whole "done by 32") - I should mention that 6 months before this I had said - absolutely no, never.

I also thought we might be infertile. Every single female in my family had gotten pg on the pill. Here I was on a low dose one that I was only marginally good at taking (I routinely had 2-4 pills left over at the end of the month) and in 15 years I had never gotten pg. DH had a serious illness in college that they told him might lower his count permanently. So I think when I went off the pill I still thought I had awhile to change my mind and if we didnt manage naturally, we probably wouldnt go to any extremes to try.

Yeah...well...first cycle that we were both in the same state at the right time. booom.

2 weeks later I figured out that OMG I really DID want this.

Repeat story with a shorter timeline for #2. I thought maybe 1 was enough, dh was really pushing for 2 because he hated the thought of dd being an only. Took a whopping 12 days for me to get pg after removing IUD. This time it took me a large portion of the pregnancy to really feel the motherly pull. Like 34 weeks. Especially to become resigned to a boy. (I wanted all girls - dont even know why) Then all of a sudden one day I started getting excited about #2.

Now?

I love them so freaking much it hurts.

I knew by the time I was 25 (I'm 38 now) that I didn't want kids. When I met my SO, he was convinced that he did want kids, but after 11 years, he's come around to my point of view. I just don't want that responsibility. After my mother died, I experienced it a little trying to help my Dad with my younger sister and that was enough.

I have gotten a lot of pressure from both friends and family about this. There are some people that just can't accept this decision and try to convince me that I will die worthless and unfulfilled if I don't have kids. At one point my sister told me that my life would be meaningless without kids (I think she's come around to accepting my perspective now). A coworker once told me it was just that I hadn't found the right guy. With all of this pressure, there have definitely been periods when I've wondered if I should have kids; that maybe I'll be like that cartoon--I'll wake up when I am 50, slap myself on the head, and say "Darn! I forgot to have kids!"

But I know lots, not just one or two, but lots, of adults (couples and singles) that don't have kids and seem very happy and fulfilled. And the fact is, without kids, my SO and I are able to do things we wouldn't be able to do otherwise. Kids are a huge responsibility, a ton of work, and they are expensive. And, both my SO and I are pretty happy with our lives the way they are and we see how much disruption our friends' kids cause in their lives and how much work they are.

I think it is a sign that I shouldn't have kids that 1) when I think about having kids, I mainly think about how I would disclipline them when they misbehave; 2) the main advantage I see to having kids is that maybe they would take care of me when I'm old (but no guarantees and it seems like a good retirement plan would accomplish this as well); 3) every time my friends talk about their kids, I feel tired (it all sounds like so much work); and 4) I can't even take care of a houseplant (I swear, it's always "water me, water me"--it's exhausting)

I have dead houseplants and an overweight cat. No kids for me right now...

GOD makes us all different!

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with not wanting children. It doesn't make you a freak. I can only imagine the questions and how difficult it can be for those that are married and don't have or want kids. I want grandkids, but I try really hard not to put pressure or make STUPID remarks to my kids, (I will admit I have screwed this up at times...but my son loves me and my daughter in law knew what she was getting into in advance and she loves me too!) and my future son in law...well, my daughter will take care of him

I feel really sorry for those that want children and cannot or have not had them. That has to be most difficult.

But for those of us that wanted and have been blessed with children ~

Thank you LORD!

hehehe. I don't even try houseplants. I am a good loving kittie momma too, but she is overweight and spoiled as ****.

I hate feeling pressure from other people to breed. It's so disturbing to me that they think it's any of their business anyway. My mother in law went way over the line once and bought stuff for my future babies... that was really disturbing.

I always wonder what the appropriate response is to someone who asks why I don't have kids or when I'm having kids. I always want to retort with "when are you going to die.. that's your next major milestone, right?" but that would be rude. *LOL*

Hubby was the oldest of 5 kids and they all got dumped on him so I think he feels like he's been there done that. Plus, I think he feels like children are a lot of work and cost a lot and he likes his downtime. As for me, I was the little mommy too, my brother used to call me mom and I took care of him when my parents were being too irresponsible to do it. I love it and I love him, but I kinda resent my folks for not doing their job. I don't want to be a parent like that. I want to do it right, or not at all.

I know this is going to sound snobby, but I also think it's my responsibility to be financially stable before I have a kid. I never once went on a vacation when I was a child, we would go near places but never in them - like once we went to Enchanted Forest this little amusement park for little kids, but didn't go in because it cost too much. We would stop at the Sea Lion caves but never actually go down into them because it cost too much. I don't want to have kids and not be able to provide them with a fun and happy childhood.

Here's a twist for you: back when I was in my late teens and early twenties, I couldn't stand to be around children for too long. Yet, all of my family, friends and acquaintances used to sing praises about how great I was with kids and that I would make a great mother!

For me, kids were messy, loud, obnoxious, and expensive. You couldn't come and go as you please, forget fun vacations. While friends of mine were getting married and raising babies, struggling financially, I was dressed to the nines, hair, makeup and toenails perfect, expensive jewelry, nice car, traveled and went to a million or so hockey games with friends, with no desire of settling down. My father used to joke about not living long enough to see me get married and have kids, and sadly, he was right, he didn't live.

I got married when I was 26, was almost 28 when I had my first child, and was 32 when I had my third and last child. I cannot picture my life without them, they are my world. Had anyone told me in my late teens and early 20's that I would enjoy motherhood like I do, I would have laughed in their faces and ran out the door, LOL.

I don't know exactly when I started to change my mind about kids, as both hubby and I had no plans to have them. Slowly, though, the idea of wanting kids started to happen to the both of us.

If it's meant to be, you will have a baby, whether it be with your husband or adoption. If not, then simply enjoy your family and friend's children and stay happy as a couple!

This world would be saved so much heartache if people who did not want to have kids didn't get pressured into having them. Of course, plenty of people who want kids make bad parents (my mother among them), and plenty of people who don't want kids but find themselves pregnant or with custody of relatives' kids or some such are really great parents, but I do believe my statement holds. I do not think that anyone should go against what they feel to be right for them. Not in something as important as creating a whole other human being, and being responsible for that person for the most important/formative years of their life.

I have three kids and I am awed by the blessing that they are, and I count myself lucky to be able to love them and raise them and watch them grow and see their personalities develop and everything else that comes along with being a parent. But the well-being and happiness of children are so important to me that I don't think anyone benefits from a situation where a child is brought into this world because it's what you "should" do--and thusly I think it's the conversation you need to have before you get married, because unfortunately I watched my brother's first marriage crumble very much on that one issue. It's not a good thing.

This is weird...and especially coming from me because I'm 16...but I've been having that a lot lately! The motherly "pull". I also don't want to have kids...but I have been feeling it. It seems like an overwhelming at times desire to have a baby of my own. But I notion that it is because I'd like to see what kind of being me and my lover would create. But otherwise, I don't want a kid.

I think it's normal in women...just like our instincts are to help and take care of others, such as husbands and boyfriends. I have a large desire to take care of my boyfriend.

I said that if I don't get a baby later on, I need a cat or something for me to take care of. I think it would be tiring for a guy to be cute all the time.

Note: No! I'm not into the hanky panky yet! And if any say I am deciding too quickly about babies...I am not that kind of person to have babies. I have my reasons...Please respect it!

I agree that it is a discussion that you have before you get married. Both DH and I talked about kids well before we thought of getting married. Both of us were "on the fence". If one of us wanted kids, the other would be willing, if one of us didn't want kids, then we wouldn't. I think DH and I would be great parents if we did have kids but that doesn't mean we should. I also think I wouldn't regret the decision and our hearts would be opened up to any children we do have. I will admit I also feel a little guilt in one of the main reasonings I think about not having kids is I want to be able to have the money and freedom to do what I want.

I have really enjoyed this thread and ideas shared.

I had my first baby at 38 years old (8 months ago). I've always wanted a child, but I loved my free time, traveling, going out and doing as I pleased, plus I never found the right guy til later. Maybe its cuz I have such an easy and independent (and CUTE) baby (she hardly EVER cries or fusses; she just chills and goes with the flow most of the time), but I still feel like I can do everything I did before. I've already traveled with her and it was no problem whatsoever. I plan to continue my traveling, but then again I like to go to warm easy goign places and chill on the beach or visit friends in Bermuda (I lived there several years ago) and the Caribbean (I know people in Puerto Rico and Tortola) and now my sister is moving to FL, so not so hard to do with a baby. I have a MIL that wants to watch the baby anytime, so we can go out ANYTIME and can even stay out very late (once we picked her as late as 3 am, and one time when I was sick she stayed over MIL's). I'm getting my shape back too so I wont look like a (FORGIVE THE EXPRESSION) "soccer mom" type.

If anything, I should have done this sooner because I've felt lonely all these years, despite a full social life and boyfriends etc. Definitely the best thing I ever did! I'll add that I've always been a dog person myself, but nothing compares to the love I have for my baby. It is just special being around her!

I'm not sure I want to have more however, though I plan to adopt an older child in about 3 years. So many unloved children that need good homes.

Anyway, do what's right for you and dont worry about what others think (as I'm sure you already do). It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with DH, may we all be so lucky in that department! On the other hand, dont get turned off because you think life wont be as fun or carefree. Life is what we make it! We can be carefree and still be great parents. I'm not one of those to stick to a rigid schedule or be too controlled about things. Life should be enjoyable and children add to this (though more than one may change this..ya know, all the sibling fighting and ganging up on the parents etc).

P.S. I've always liked children but never felt any particular interest when holding another baby (except my nephew), so you cant expect to feel the same way about other's children than you do with your own (including your adopted children of course).

No need to feel guilty about your decisions when you're not hurting others.

Wow you lot! Maybe I really should stick with one kid to keep things simple . But seriously Nelie, dont get turned off because of the money and freedom thang. Its all what you make it, if you're the easygoing type then you can still have fun with a child. The child just becomes part of your and DH's "little crew". As soon as this weight comes off, I will go out once in a while dancing and stuff like I did before. This summer I will certainly be going to my live salsa shows at the beach every sunday (Orchard Beach in the Bronx); alcohol yes, my baby no..hopefully MIL will not have a problem with this LOL. However, I dont work fridays so fridays and saturdays will be at the park or the beach for kids. So I will have plenty of time with baby but not every second as she should also spend quality time with her grandmother and aunts and uncles bonding with them. Its important to spend a lot of time with your child and make them feel like your priority, but they can still feel loved when you spend time on your own sometimes (as long as they are with family and not baby-sitters or other strangers).

To be honest, before I had the baby I had WAY too much time on my hands. Free time where I was sort of bored; that has been alleviated but I still dont lead a high stress life by any stretch. As for the money, to me kids arent quite that expensive (though college probably is) and they're worth the material things you might have given up.

As far as the poster's comment above re not having kids til you have a sufficient amount of money, I think poor people also have the right to reproduce and I'm sure their offspring are glad for that. We didnt have a lot of money when I was young but we went on camping trips and free parks and stuff instead. We still had fun.

At any rate, you're still really young so you have plenty of time to decide.

You know what is funny is I had a recent pregnancy "scare" and my main concern was my hiking trip that DH and I are planning in the fall. They allow kids 12 and older but I wanted to go this year! DH and I are trying to take more active vacations. We get bored by going to the beach and what not. We went to miami/the keys last year and even though we had a lot of fun snorkeling, walking around, visiting animals, swimming, etc, we were ready to come home after a few days. We are definitely not the party type and I gave up drinking a while ago (got bored of it), we do like to be out and about. Our kitty has altered our lives a little bit and we don't mind because she is so precious to us. I figure it would be similar (although to a larger extent) if we had kids.

If you want reinforcement as to why you don't want kids, read this post!

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=105118

I saw that! Although I think I'd laugh at that (partially), feel bad for whoever had to clean it up.

Oh come on Alinnell, don't say that. For all the trouble that they are you get back 10 times that amount in joy. Of course I have only girls so I wouldn't know about those things written in that thread. Just kidding, boys provide mucho, mucho joy too. I think. From what I've heard.

Nelie, many, many times it is a sacrifice and unbelivabley frustrating, but the rewards far, far, far out weigh all the bad stuff - for me that is. We are all different (thank G-d). Me, I despise pets and would never imagine owning one. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. For me, THAT would not be worth the sacrifice.

By the way, many, many vacation resorts provide excellent day care for little ones.