VermontMom, I think I might be kind of like your DH - it's SO hard for me to throw things away... though I am really trying these days because I know the clutter affects my mood.

Vermont and Hope, I worry about my sleeping too - really part of me is just so comfy in my bed but I know part of my sleeping in is because I just don't want to face the day - it seems too long when I get up at a decent hour. I think once I'm working again (which will be in a few weeks, thank goodness!) things will be better on that end.

I've been really fighting with my depression again lately, it seemed under control for so long, but. *sigh* Really I have no reason or explanation for my misery, it is just there, hanging over me. And I am always rather indecisive and have some social anxiety as well, but recently it's been debilitating. I do anything to avoid having to talk on the phone and am completely incapable of deciding what veggie to make with my dinner, so you can imagine what any meaningful choices might do to me. And I so ashamed of feeling this way, even though I know I shouldn't.

Iris - (such a pretty name) I've missed seeing your name here! I'm really sorry to hear that you've been really down and that the depression is affecting your daily things..and I should have responded days ago all I can give you is hang in there, sometimes when Im feeling my worst, the next day is better.

Hey Hope, Leilajey, Aunty Jam, momof4, ErBear, Raven! LeilaJey, I've seen some of your posts elsewhere on teh forum, you are a funny chick

How is everyone?? remember we're supposed to be here whether we are feeling great or/especially when we are feeing horrible.

I have to go to the family homestead today to start (again) going through my mom's stuff, with my uncle hanging over my head, he just doesn't leave me alone to do it, makes a constant stream of comments that are derogatory to my mom..I know he doesn't know he's donig it, so maybe today is the day to just gently say, "It hurts my feelings to hear you say those things about my mom, let's just let her rest in peace okay?' Things like "your mother saved everything' and 'your mother this/that'.

It will be hard today because Death is a trigger for bad thoughts for me. Like the big one is "What is the use" when one's life ends and is reduced to your family sorting through your stuff? ACK. Someone throw me a bone please

On the bright side...it is a sunny day..I've ridden my motorcycle for a couple hours for the past 2 days..I'm in great health..I'm at my lowest weight in about 5 years...my car works...we had the money to pay our income tax..good stuff

Hey! It's me! LoL - sorry I haven't been around, this place is really hard to keep up with! I'm at a dangerous point right now......... I'm off my meds. Just for a little while, don't yell at me! Just until I get paid friday. But I'm already feeling jittery and flightly, I can't sit still. I'm aware of it so I'm going to manage it and try not to focus on it cause that just makes it worse.

Other then that life is life. Chase has a chronic ear infection thing going on... my house is a pig stye my step daughter is driving me nuts and my husband is.. well, my husband. He's still supportive in my running but he's backed off since I've had my nasty shin splints.

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well Vermont!

I've been lurking for a while, but not posting! Hi everyone!

I'm staying with my mom for a bit. Kind of a complicated situation. Hubby is still stationed in Germany, but I have my best friend's wedding and other stuff in town this summer. She's driving me crazy. She's become such a health freak on the ideal protein diet. She weighs 138 and is 5'6" (previously 170) and thinks she needs to lose more. And asks me about my weight and food all the time. It's too much pressure. I'm still losing (down another 2.5 lbs this last week), but it's mostly because she has no food in the house at all. So, in addition to missing my husband (who I've been away from for 20 of the last 36 months), I'm HUNGRY. Goodness gracious, someone get me a taco!

Vermont-Are you still going back to sleep pretty regularly? And I'm so sorry to hear about your ex-step-grandma! She seems like an amazing woman. I can completely relate to the feelings regarding death. I've had tiny panic attacks at funerals where I go completely cold thinking about the idea. All you can do is make the next day more special and think of those you care about and things you do instead.

Aunty Jam-How long do shin splints take to heal? That sounds so painful and I know it has to be hard during weight loss especially!

Iris-I'm sorry you're battling with depression. I know what you mean about how frustrating it is to not really know why you feel the way you do. That just adds confusion and anger to the already unfortunate feelings floating around inside.

iriswhispers
I'm sorry to hear that and don't be ashamed. I understand what you're saying about avoiding talking on the phone too. Take one thing at a time. Do you see a counsellor or anybody like that?


VermontMom
Hey Holly! Thanks I think I just get stuck in denial mode about how I'm feeling but I managed to articulate some of what I'm feeling to my SO yesterday so that's a load off.

Did your mom die? I'm so so sorry to hear about that, and good luck going through her things I understand that could be difficult. And yes definitely say something to your Uncle, it's not right to make you feel bad like that. What's the use? Life is this amazing, fleeting thing that can be filled with beauty, love and hardships but isn't it incredible? Look around, the seasons, the world, the stars, it's all so vast and in some ways can make us feel insignificant but hold a microscope up to something and see all of the life we can't usually see and you realise that we're a universe to them. I struggle with depression and life like everyone here but I'm so fascinated by the world and experiences. Sure it can end like that, with someone just going through your things but that's not what your life was about.

Enjoy the motorcycle

Oh and also be careful with staying in bed, I know it can seem harmless in a way but the way I think about it is that now that I'm losing weight I don't eat when I'm not hungry. If you've slept then you shouldn't be back in bed/ sleeping, and if you are still very tired then think about why you're tired. I'm not sure if that makes sense but just be careful. We can fall into these things and only realise when we're at the bottom.

Aunty Jam

Hey hope you're doing ok off your meds! Be careful going off them like that though, is there anyway to make sure this doesn't happen? I understand when money is tight though.


ErBear
That's really difficult to be apart for so long, but as the old saying goes 'the heart grows fonder with absence'. Yikes, weddings. Well take it at your own pace, if you're doing it yourself there shouldn't be any rush or pressure. Your health is the important thing.


I'm still up and down really. I've been exercising way more and trying to make sure I do something everyday or else I just won't leave the house and the longer that goes on the worse it gets. Although today I was cycling and got soaked and battered from some nasty hailstones. Also if you yawn while cycling your mouth becomes a fly grave. Disgusting or what haha

Sorry to anybody I missed, I feel so behind.. Hope you're all doing well

Vermont - I don't know how I missed that bit about your Mom.. I hope you said something to your uncle. He probably doesn't even realize it's bugging you like that.

Iris - That was my Grandma's name... she passed away in December but it's ok. Don't be ashamed... it's not a weekness.. it's a sign of having to stay to strong for to long.

Er - I have no idea because I still have pain! I took 2 weeks off running and I'm getting back into it slowly. I haven't lost any weight in ages either.

Leila - Can I come to Ireland and visit? I'd love to see your country. We're always short of money and I mean really short of money. My husband is actually having his own crisis right now because he's finally realized it's his fault (his words). I'm actually doing pretty good without them, wondering about not taking them at all and also wondering if that's a dangerous thought.

Hey everyone

LeilaJey - lol @ the flies in your mouth while cycling, ugh sorry you got battered by the hailstones, too! My mom died one year ago this month, but I've dragged my feet on going through her stuff. Thanks for your input on how beautiful the world is, and that one should appreciate it all Yay to you for working out more! I've also done the 'don't leave the house til you've worked out' thing, sometimes that made for a late day

Aunty Jam - it's Friday..will you be able to get your meds today? I won't yell, I'll just be worried if you don't get them. How is Chase's ear infection? and how are your shins

Er - oh, I wish I could send you a virtual taco you sound hungry! your gf should realize that you're not on IP and need some food.

I'm glad you all asked about the more sleeping thing for me. I have been doing it almost every day and i need to stop it!! It's just a bad behavior and it does me no good at all. I try to tell myself that it is just as lazy as sitting and surfing the 'net or watching TV like others do, but it really is a 'drawing away' thing isn't it.

And I've been wasting so much time wtih all these days off. But I havent been inspired or motivated to tackle any more horrible house areas. I did in front of our garage area last week and not DH or DS said a single word about it. screw them!

Iris, how are you? hey I looked at your stats, you are tiny!

Hope, GreenEyed'Stang, momof4? thinking of you.

Hello to everyone

Holly: I'm still very sorry to hear about your mom, that's really difficult.

The sleeping thing is definitely a drawing away thing. We can make up all of the excuses we want but it doesn't change what it is. Be aware of it, stop it and do something else. You can catch it now

Don't worry about housework stuff, screw it.. do something you enjoy instead!

AuntyJam you should totally come to Ireland I hope you make it some day and that the weather's nice. When was the last time you weren't taking antidepressants? Maybe you could take a lower dose for a while? It's not good generally to just stop taking them. I know that from experience.

---
I'm not sure how I am half the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart and other times things are a bit more manageable. Trying to understand what I'm feeling more than anything if that makes sense. Life goes on! TOM is here and I'm super sore and cranky and not exercising but I didn't cave and eat rubbish.. although I did make chicken and roast potatoes with gravy yesterday oh well.

Hey everyone...

Yes, I'm back on the drugs I told hubby I was off them and he was worried, I told him I didn't want to take them anymore and that I've learned so much and have a much better grip on how I am and maybe I could go without them now. He wanted to flip out, I saw it in his eyes... but to his credit he stayed very calm and said "You realize there are guns in the house...." I said "Yes I do" he said "If you quit taking those pills one of us will end up using them..." DON"T WORRY, we have my dads old guns, one of them is from WWII and the other is a classic from the '70's, he was just making a point. You can't even buy bullets for those things anymore. So I started taking the pills again, but not happily.

I just really feel like I have such a better grasp on my feelings, I understand them so much better. I got bummed out the other day and I was able to say to myself "It's just because it's that TOM, it'll pass" and you know what... I'm not exactly happy but I'm not depressed either... I'm just a little moody and unmotivated (that could also be because of the 5 hours of sleep I got though... lol).

I don't know.... I just don't want to take drugs anymore... I'm so sick of the side effects. And on top of it I've been hearing really bad things about one of them, Resperidal... apparently there are big lawsuits going on in the states because they down played the side effects.

Vermont - My shins are still a bit sore but better. I also have a dull pain in the foot which a running friend tells me is plantar fascitis (sp?) so working on fixing that too. All a result of trying to do to much to soon The yeast infection in Chases ear is better but not completely gone... took him to the vet again on Friday and they said "Well, now that we've gotten most of the yeast out of there there is a bacterial infection underneath". Good grief. So now it's new meds and back to the vet next Friday. They said the scale of yeast infections is "Few" "Some" "Many" "Many+1" "Many+2".... etc... Chase was Many+3 when we first went in.. even though we were treating it at home, yikes. Many might not be the word she used but I can't remember... but you get the idea.

Leila - It's only the almighty dollar that is stopping me... Ireland is on my list of places to go... <sigh> I love history and different cultures, I should have gone into anthropology.

How are you guys doing?

Aunty Jam! so...if you feel OK not on the meds, is it feasible to stay off them? or to find out how to wean yourself safely from them?

I wish your shin splints were gone..and booo to the plantar faschstuff. And yay to you for helping clear the first infection for poor Chase, now onto the other one, right.

but I'm glad DH is so concerned for you (and for his safety ) remember...even without bullets you can throw a gun pretty hard

Hey LeilaJey thank you for your concern about my stupid daytime sleeping!! I have taken your words to heart. Today was one of those mornings when I could have so very easily gone back to bed around 9 am but I had read what you said, and instead worked out to a hard dvd for 55 minutes, then gathered laundry, did it, cleaned out 2 of my bureau drawers, and STAYED OUT OF BED. !!!

Ireland - I would love to visit it also!! DH's heritage is Irish. We had Claddaugh wedding rings made w-a-y back in 1979, before hardly anyone knew of them. If/when I get a tat, it will have elements of the Claddaugh I think.

I'm sorry you're sore and cranky but very glad you didn't eat rubbish!

So I just don't 'get' how I can go from horrible, pessimistic moods to just fine and the reverse. I do try to force myself to 'fake it til i make it'. If that works, then hey.

so let's hear from some of us others here

I just wanted to say a quick hello. I've been up and down, up and down. I was off Monday and gave in to the nap monster. I wanted to stay up and enjoy my day at home alone because it happens so infrequently but I ended up sleeping for half of it.

Hey hope Did you sleep because you wanted to disappear, or because you maybe really needed the rest? You only have one day off a week, right, between full time and the part time jobs? I want you to have permission to rest if you need it But if you want us to give you the Tough Love, Stay Out of Bed Talk, we will

I know I combated the bed monster yesterday, but I won't be so strong always. I sometimes use the "what would my friends or co-workers think?" if they knew. I am usually really ashamed of myself when I do it, yet other times I don't give a rat's *** if someone knew.

I'm not sure why exactly I napped the day away then. It was probably partly because I was tired and partly the enticement of escaping. I was off today however and I've stayed up all day. DF wanted me to take a nap but I wanted to stay up and have some time alone. I just watched some tv but it was nice. I'd rather do anything than go to work tomorrow. One day off just isn't enough.

How has your week been Vermont? Everybody else? I always say I'm going to post more often but then I'm so tired that I don't have the energy to write anything. I also don't do anything but work so I feel like there is nothing to say. I will try to do better.

Hope-that's good that you stayed up for this day off. Maybe you just really did need the sleep last time.

I've been watching a lot weight loss shows lately (extreme make over weight loss edition and the last season of the biggest loser). I used to find these kinds of shows inspiring, but I feel sort of depressed after now. It's inspiring watching others lose weight and go on to be better, happier, healthier people, but it just reminds me that I've not lost anything in a little while. And it's not for lack of trying. Stress and no support are getting me down. I've been having more than my share of little pity parties lately. I need to stop making excuses and just get this weight off of my body. That's all there is to it. We all know that's easier said than done.