When you're criticized for being fat - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

Ariselle · 03-25-2011, 03:23 PM

How do you handle this? I'm not talking about anything on this forum or related to it--but rather, say your boyfriend / ex gave you a lot of "constructive" criticism about your weight in the form that your "stomach is bad...really bad" and sarcastically "nice double chin" or "you have a bit extra, you're not thin" along with mentioning any girl he notices that is thinner and prettier than you (in a way that it is --your fault-- for looking like you do and you should be grateful that he's still with you). All of this is without prompting.

One would think this would make the person being criticized less interested in food, perhaps help them to lose weight, but I think it often has the opposite effect. I gained about 30 lbs over about three years.

How about when your family reminds you? Say, your mother tells you, "We don't need to be weighing that much." about your scale numbers.

How exactly do you deal with that? I have been able to forgive myself sometimes, for trying to do something about the weight. It seems that anything additional added to this ("you're not trying") REALLY REALLY upsets me.

This isn't even mentioning the stares in public...

How do you go through this?

fitness4life · 03-25-2011, 03:46 PM

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear that you go through this. I suppose it's like anything "bad" about ourselves that comes up - you build a wall, make a joke, keep your chin up and think, "I'm glad I'm not that shallow!",

I have small boobs. They're really A cups, but since I have a normal sized frame, I'm a 32 B. You would not believe how much crap I get for this. Even my 12 year old (at the time) daughter joked that she has bigger boobs than me. And it hurt. But do I go out and get a boob job? Nope. Not for me. I just suck it up. This is what God gave me.

Weight gain is a bit different, I suppose, and I'm guessing there's a fair amount of guilt in your emotions. So deal with the issues of how you got to where you are. I would also guess that your weight gain you've been with your sig other during that time. What you describe sounds borderline abusive and maybe there's more to your post than you're willing to share.

If so, please know that many people do not know they're in an abusive relationship (I'm talking verbal/emotional) and tend to seek a vice. Some alcohol, drugs, some food, for instance. Please google the topic and see if it fits. Then you can deal with what is eating you.

If that's not the case, then something else may be eating you. Take care of whatever it is HEAD on. Then start your "recovery" here.

This seems like a very good place to get on the right track in every department of health!

Best wishes to you. And please know, that without even knowing who on Earth you are, that you are a beautiful person and deserve the best. You are NOT those words, you are NOT those stares. There's something inside of you that is SO offended and rightly so. Make yourself shine thru your talents and give yourself credit for them. Then hopefully, physical health will shine through, too.

nationalparker · 03-25-2011, 03:49 PM

First off, thank goodness you followed the word boyfriend with "ex" because I would have handled that with opening the door and booting him out, literally or figuratively from my life. That is unacceptable from anyone, least of all someone who should be a supportive/loving part of your life.

Perhaps if family members say anything, just say "I'm working to make myself healthier and would love your support, not criticism!" and leave it at that. For questions, sometimes ones you don't want to answer, are best answered with a smile... or flat out ask, "Why would you ask me that?" I have someone in my family who asks personal things - how much was your raise, etc., and FINALLY years into it, I've finally started just saying, "Why would you ask me that?" and changing the subject. Slowly working.

IS that boyfriend the ex?

nitenurse · 03-25-2011, 03:53 PM

ive gained about 15lbs in the last year because i have not been watching my diet like i should and i really got slack on the exercise. i started back last week. ive had several people say " oh you have gained some" , or my mom saying " you might have to get bigger pants soon if you dont lose" all true statements so why would i be upset its the truth. It just makes me want to work harder.

Ariselle · 03-25-2011, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fitness4life

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear that you go through this. I suppose it's like anything "bad" about ourselves that comes up - you build a wall, make a joke, keep your chin up and think, "I'm glad I'm not that shallow!",

I have small boobs. They're really A cups, but since I have a normal sized frame, I'm a 32 B. You would not believe how much crap I get for this. Even my 12 year old (at the time) daughter joked that she has bigger boobs than me. And it hurt. But do I go out and get a boob job? Nope. Not for me. I just suck it up. This is what God gave me.

Weight gain is a bit different, I suppose, and I'm guessing there's a fair amount of guilt in your emotions. So deal with the issues of how you got to where you are. I would also guess that your weight gain you've been with your sig other during that time. What you describe sounds borderline abusive and maybe there's more to your post than you're willing to share.

If so, please know that many people do not know they're in an abusive relationship (I'm talking verbal/emotional) and tend to seek a vice. Some alcohol, drugs, some food, for instance. Please google the topic and see if it fits. Then you can deal with what is eating you.

If that's not the case, then something else may be eating you. Take care of whatever it is HEAD on. Then start your "recovery" here.

This seems like a very good place to get on the right track in every department of health!

Best wishes to you. And please know, that without even knowing who on Earth you are, that you are a beautiful person and deserve the best. You are NOT those words, you are NOT those stares. There's something inside of you that is SO offended and rightly so. Make yourself shine thru your talents and give yourself credit for them. Then hopefully, physical health will shine through, too.

Wow, you are so strong to be so positive!! I could learn a lot from you...what a great attitude! Thank you so much for sharing that with me!

Ariselle · 03-25-2011, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nationalparker

First off, thank goodness you followed the word boyfriend with "ex" because I would have handled that with opening the door and booting him out, literally or figuratively from my life. That is unacceptable from anyone, least of all someone who should be a supportive/loving part of your life.

Perhaps if family members say anything, just say "I'm working to make myself healthier and would love your support, not criticism!" and leave it at that. For questions, sometimes ones you don't want to answer, are best answered with a smile... or flat out ask, "Why would you ask me that?" I have someone in my family who asks personal things - how much was your raise, etc., and FINALLY years into it, I've finally started just saying, "Why would you ask me that?" and changing the subject. Slowly working.

IS that boyfriend the ex?

Yes, he is an ex...and I agree (yes it was emotionally abusive...I didn't recognize it for a long time, blamed myself etc.). That's a really big topic, but you're right in your assumptions. That's a good response--I didn't think of that (the "Why would you ask me that?" that is). Clever.

kaplods · 03-25-2011, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariselle

How do you handle this? I'm not talking about anything on this forum or related to it--but rather, say your boyfriend / ex gave you a lot of "constructive" criticism about your weight in the form that your "stomach is bad...really bad" and sarcastically "nice double chin" or "you have a bit extra, you're not thin" along with mentioning any girl he notices that is thinner and prettier than you (in a way that it is --your fault-- for looking like you do and you should be grateful that he's still with you). All of this is without prompting.

This isn't constructive criticism - this is emotional abuse - designed to convince you that no other man would want you (which isn't true - there are many amazingly nice men who are attracted to women of all sizes).

If a guy isn't attracted to you, he wouldn't be with you - so all the crap he tells you about how unattractive you are, is motivated purely by fear that you will leave him. In his mind, if you believe that you can't attract better, you'll stay with him (assuming you fear being alone more than you hate the abuse - which I hope isn't true. Being alone is better than being with someone who mistreats you).

I am fat. I am extremely fat, and I was even fatter when I dated incredible men (because I dumped them if they weren't incredible). I didn't date as often as my thin friends, but I dated fewer jerks than some of them, because I didn't believe that fat made me undeserving of decent treatment.

When people criticise me for being fat, I ask "Yes I am fat, what's your point?" Because I don't see "fat" as an insult in itself. Yes I am fat. So what? I'm not obligated to be thin for anyone. My body, my choice.

I want to be thinner, but I also want a lot of things, and "you don't have a BMW" isn't any harsher an accusation or criticism to me than "you're not thin."

I am fat, and I am working on being less fat - but I won't let anyone make me feel horrible for being fat (not even me). Hating myself doesn't help me do anything about my situation. Because if I believe that being fat makes me worthless, it makes it a lot harder to treat myself with the respect I require to do something about it. If I believe I'm worthless and stupid - I act as if I were worthless and stupid. To become less fat, I need to love and respect myself enough to put me in my top priorities (I don't always put me first, but I try to keep myself in the top three). If feel worthless I don't do that - because doing anything for myself (even weight loss) isn't important. My priority becomes putting everyone else's needs in front of mine - because they're the important people not me.

Personally (although I am feeling a little mean and confrontive today) I would say "you know you're right - I am fat, and if you don't like it, you're free to leave. I'm sure I can find someone who finds my body attractive, exactly as it is."

Fat is not the issue - his self-esteem is. Because if he thought he was worthy of you, he wouldn't feel the need to put you down to keep you.

"Constructive criticism" about your weight is "I'm worried about you," not "she's prettier than you," or "no one else would have you."

As for stares in public - I smile and say "Haven't you ever seen a fat girl before?" if I'm feeling confrontational or "I noticed you staring, may I help you with something?" (wiht a big friendly smile) if I'm feeling like making a point, or I roll my eyes and move on. I am not on this planet to make everyone happy. It's not possible anyway. No matter what I weigh, some people will think I'm too fat, and others will think I'm not fat enough, but that's no different than anything else in life. Some people are going to think I talk too much (not many are going to thing me too shy, but it's possible I suppose).

There's no way to please everyone, so please yourself first. Make your life what you want it to be, not what anyone else thinks it should be. And find someone who makes your life better, not someone who makes it worse.

If your boyfriend (that you want to keep) makes your life better except for occasionally displaying this insecure bullcrap, then set him straight. Get him to stop before you start believing that you deserve whatever crap some mean-spirited SOB wants to dish out. Tell him to cut the crap or you'll find someone who appreciates you and doesn't play these immature mind games.

If he's just mildly insecure, he'll stop. If he's really screwed up, he won't be able to - and you'll have to decide whether it's really better to be with an abuser than to be alone for a while as you look for someone who treats you with the respect you deserve (at any size. Even if you weighed 1100 lbs you wouldn't deserve that kind of "criticism").

Ariselle · 03-25-2011, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaplods

I am fat. I am extremely fat, and I was even fatter when I dated incredible men (because I dumped them if they weren't incredible). I didn't date as often as my thin friends, but I dated fewer jerks than some of them, because I didn't believe that fat made me undeserving of decent treatment.

When people criticise me for being fat, I ask "Yes I am fat, what's your point?" Because I don't see "fat" as an insult in itself. Yes I am fat. So what? I'm not obligated to be thin for anyone. My body, my choice.

I want to be thinner, but I also want a lot of things, and "you don't have a BMW" isn't any harsher an accusation or criticism to me than "you're not thin."

I am fat, and I am working on being less fat - but I won't let anyone make me feel horrible for being fat (not even me). Hating myself doesn't help me do anything about my situation. Because if I believe that being fat makes me worthless, it makes it a lot harder to treat myself with the respect I require to do something about it. If I believe I'm worthless and stupid - I act as if I were worthless and stupid. To become less fat, I need to love and respect myself enough to put me in my top priorities (I don't always put me first, but I try to keep myself in the top three). If feel worthless I don't do that - because doing anything for myself (even weight loss) isn't important. My priority becomes putting everyone else's needs in front of mine - because they're the important people not me.

I read your post twice and I am blown away. You are Yoda. You are Batgirl. You are Superwoman. I am speechless...This is (all of your post really) seriously really really great.
Please be my friend.

maydaymayday911 · 03-25-2011, 06:55 PM

I had a boyfriend who told me I was too fat for him to be attracted to me. I was 5'2" and weighed 128 pounds.

It turns out he was just shallow. I didn't have a problem replacing him at all.

I deal with those people by feeling very, very sorry for them. Can you imagine how hard it is to have meaningful relationships when you're that critical and judgmental? Yick.

Mindless Games · 03-25-2011, 09:25 PM

Kaplods made my day too Ariselle

I've seen a bunch of her posts and she's awesome

(Kaplods you're awesome chica)

I'm glad you are not with that man any more.
It sounds like he's pretty broken. This was his issue all along...not yours and I'm glad he is not a prominent person in your life.

In regards to your mom making comments about the numbers on the scale ? That's a tough one. Do you have the kind of relationship where you can say "..umm yeah...not helping!" If you don't then I would suggest trying to set boundaries or asking them to accompany you on your journey to health.

The stares in public?
Stare back, get their attention and then make them think they have 'something' hanging off their nose....
It's evil and passive aggressive I know but the truth is most folks are self conscious about something.

May :In regards to the boyfriend that thought you were "too fat" at 128 good riddance to him

I had a cook at a restaurant I worked at ask me my weight & at the time I was 145-150 in a size 6/8 (I'm muscular) I told him " I am 150 pounds of I will kick your ***" His response was " Oh I don't date girls over 120 pounds" My response back ?
"I don't date men with IQ's under 120...we're good" and I flounced off swaying hips and booty

kaplods · 03-25-2011, 09:35 PM

WOW, I appreciate the compliments. Something about 3FC does bring out my "inner Yoda." In real life, things aren't always that simple, but I'm finding it a lot easier to access Yoda in real life too, with practice.

I think some of it is personality traits that may just be inborn, but a good portion of it is practice. You can learn to love and appreciate other people (even people you may not like veyr much), and you can learn to love yourself too - because love is every bit as much an action as it is a feeling. Even when you don't have the feeling, you can still follow the action.

I don't always "feel" love for other people or myself, but I can always perform loving actions - and often the action, pulls the feeling along. Some people call it "fake it 'til you make it," or "acting as if..." and it really does work. Confidence is sometimes mostly bluff, but the more you benefit from the bluff, the less of a bluff it becomes (that's my theory anyway).

fitness4life · 03-26-2011, 07:47 PM

Kaplods, great response. Bravo!!!

fitness4life · 03-26-2011, 07:54 PM

With regards to the stares: some ppl have not seen another body at +300 lbs. Ppl carry the weight in different ways. Some are big all over. Some have their inner muscles give out (?) and their gut hits their knees. Some have it all in the butt. Some have it all in their boobs. It's kind of like an accident victim or someone with a regular birth defect.. If ppl haven't seen it before, they can't help but look. Maybe these ppl aren't evil, just curious.

It's kind of like being a celebrity, come to think of it! Ppl aren't used to seeing the super beautiful or super famed, either! I'm sure they get stares as well.

I would combine the both in some way and I would think, "I must be super something to get ppl to look at me!!". Either way, YOU ARE EXCEPTIONAL.

seagirl · 03-26-2011, 07:56 PM

Why does your mom know your scale numbers? Those are none of her business.
If she tries to talk about your weight just say "my weight is not a topic that is open for conversation." Repeat as needed.

And any man who would criticize your weight is not the right man for you.

mazab · 03-27-2011, 05:02 PM

haters are always gonna be haters you just have to blow off what they say....dont mind them