Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

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Old 09-22-2009, 09:00 PM   #1  
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Default Please Help Me Get Over Him

As if I wasn't suffering enough from anxiety and depression, my husband left me about 3 and 1/2 months ago. Not one day has gone by without me spending much of the day crying. I keep hoping he's going to come back to me even though he has made it clear he will not. I've begged, pleaded and bugged him to death for him to come back. I wish I could just accept this and move on but we were married for 25 years and I was happy and in love with him up to the day I got the phone call from him saying he wasn't coming home. I still love him though he doesn't care for me at all. He just threw me away. I never saw it coming. I still can't wrap my brain around it, that it's actually happening. I'm not living, I'm just existing from one day to the next, waiting to die.

I've been a stay at home mom and therefore haven't worked all my marriage. I've been looking but no one wants to hire a 51 year old, overweight woman with out of date experience. I don't have any friends at all. It's always been hard for me to socialize and I devoted my whole life to him. He was my everything. Now he calls tonight and is tired of sending me most all his paycheck. He wants me to file for disability, food stamps and medicaid. All the things he has been against all his life. He had told me he would keep me on his insurance plan but I guess he's changing his mind.

My sister tells me I should work up a good mad at him and that will help me get over him. But I've never said one bad word to him yet and nor have I bad mouthed him to any of my relatives or our sons. He has sure bad mouthed me though. I can't believe some of the stuff he has said to me. He even told me that if he had stayed with me, or if he came back to me like I want him to, that we would have made the news. He says he would have killed me and then himself. How pathetic am I to still want him back.

I don't know if I should contact a lawyer or not to see what my options are to make him continue paying me alimony now and through upcoming retirement (401K and SS for him). I have nothing coming to me. And I need to see if there is some way to make him keep me on his insurance plan at work. He doesn't want to file for divorce because he's from Canada and even though he has lived here for 25 years we never took the actual step to make him an American citizen. So he thinks he could be deported out of the country. I don't think so but would find out.

I'm so scared, anxious and depressed over this. If I could find something to feel good about like a job, a friend or something it would be great. But I sit here day after day with no joy or happiness, just waiting to die. It's all I see for me out there. Oh I have been on antidepressants for years and most recently my doctor put me on the generic of celexa.

So sorry this is so long. I really do want to live and be happy, lose this weight and get healthy. But it's so hard to just get up out of bed everyday and function at the minimum that I do. And I don't expect that anyone can help me but I don't have anyone to talk to and I needed to get this out. Maybe some encouragement from others who have been there or close to it.
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:33 PM   #2  
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Aww that's really bad I dnt knw if this is helping and I can't say I've been in the same positition as you but I can tell you that I have been heartbroken before and that's one of the worst things a person could feel. I'm sure once you start concentrating on other things and ur life starts going in a diffrent direction you will be much better. He didn't deserve you! Take care and I'm here if u need a friend or just an ear to listen u will be ok!
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:47 PM   #3  
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Default go see an attorney..and a d*** good one

Please, please, sista...and as another Mary I will call you sista, go consult a good divorce lawyer. Good for you for not badmouthing him to your kids, but your DH is looking out for himself; you need to do the same, and you can't count on your own counsel.. go out and find an attorney so you know your options....doesn't mean you have to act, but you will know you are dealing from a position of strength...not weakness. Do it!
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:49 PM   #4  
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I'm so sorry you have to go through such a hard thing! I know I can't make it better, but you certainly have a lot of support here, so keep coming here every day and posting. It will give you something to look forward to, even if it's only a little thing.

I'm not going to give you any advice, this time! Just know that you have a place to come and talk it out. (And don't worry, I'll get around to giving my advice/opinion!)

Take care of yourself!
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:15 PM   #5  
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Mary, I am so sorry to read about your troubles. Please go talk to a lawyer; you need to take care of yourself and start protecting yourself.

J
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:33 PM   #6  
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We all care. You are in prayers. Focus on taking care of yourself and that your project. Keep us posted. We are here for you.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:52 PM   #7  
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Stop contacting him and begging him to come back, no matter how hard it is. Unless it involves your kids or lawyers, go no contact.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:57 PM   #8  
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Default Sending you a HUGE hug

I've been in a similar situation and my heart just aches for you. All I can say to you right now is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE turn away from what he says, thinks, tells ya and TAKE CARE OF YOU! That could mean finding a good lawyer, making sure you are properly cared for after the years of care you've given him. Sounds like he has made up his mind to do what he thinks is good for him - so do what's good for you!!!! I like that your sister said to "get a good mad" at him to get over him If "mad" doesn't sound empowering to you, maybe come at it from a different prespective. Think of the things you would tell another woman in your situation . . . bet you'd encourage her to make her life the best it can be - with or without HIM.

Sending you a big hug

Also, I just have to say that it took me quite a while to get over the betrayal and abandonment I felt during a horrible breakup many years ago. BUT I did survive (even tho' I thought I'd die from crying) and I met my wonderful husband a few years after.
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:12 PM   #9  
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I just wanted to send a big hug to you you are a worthwhile human being, don't let him put you down. Take care of yourself, do it for you and your sons.
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:15 PM   #10  
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Thank you all. It really helped me to "talk" to someone and you all have been so kind and supportive and encouraging. I was talking to my son awhile ago and we both think it is a good idea to contact a lawyer if for no other reason than to discuss my options.

And Millie K, you had the words I couldn't think of earlier. Betrayal and abandonment. That's what hurts most of all. That and trying to figure out the why of why he is doing this and why I didn't see it coming. I don't understand it. Just the last time he was home (he's a truckdriver) he was telling me how much he loved me. We were in the process of trying to purchase a new doublewide. (We got turned down) Then came the phone call and the end of my world.

Thank you.

mary
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:22 PM   #11  
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Oh honey, you sound like such a sweet and special person! DO NOT let him, or your weight, or anything else determine your value and your worth!

Yes, you absolutely need to seek out a good lawyer. Your husband cannot be allowed to control you through threats or by not taking care of his responsibilities. Absolutely get an attorney!

And lastly, please love yourself. There is so much joy in life to be had. I have not walked in your shoes, and cannot even imagine... but you can move on and enjoy your life that God has given you! You are loved!

Feel free to share with us if you need to... and please PM me if you would like to talk about anything! I will be praying for you!
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Old 09-23-2009, 01:29 AM   #12  
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I agree that you should contact a lawyer so that you would know your options (knowledge is always power). BUT, I've been in that same situation (not married to the guy but was deeply in love and out of the blue, he left me) and no matter how many times people tell you he's not worth it and to let him go, it's easier said than done. Getting good and mad at him or thinking bad things about him will only make you feel SLIGHTLY better and only for a VERY short time, it's not going to take away the feelings of love you have for this man. Unfortunately, I believe the only thing that will help is time (and if you pray, prayer).

To make my matters worse, I worked with this guy and saw him every day (he kept coming to my office wanting to talk, emailing me, calling me and wanting to have lunch like nothing was wrong...dork). Unfortunately, I accommodated him because I still "needed" to be around him, to hear his voice. It's weird but, being around him also helped with my healing.

Every time I thought of him and felt that intense hurt, I prayed that if he wasn't the man for me then please take away those feelings I have for him. A few months after our split, he transferred to another job and I didn't have to see him anymore and I slowly became strong enough to not answer his calls or emails.

Time my dear, time....It's going to hurt like **** BUT in time you will get over him. Please stay strong (((hug))).
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Old 09-23-2009, 03:49 AM   #13  
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I remember when I went through my divorce that it was incredibly painful. No words will help frankly; the only cure is time. And then you have to be willingly to get over it and go on with your life. There is nothing more pathetic than a woman spending the rest of her life mourning a man who left. You are at a cossroads; you can become a new person and have a new beautiful life, or you can spend you time wishing a man who doesn't want you comes back. Life can be difficult sometimes, very difficult. And, if I had to make a bet, I would bet there is another woman. Most men, esp after 25 years will just settle for the staus quo, but let another woman enter the picture and that changes. And if there is another woman, which you will find out eventually, he is deaf to anything and everything you say. I have observed this over and over. After my divorce I poured my heart out by writing in a journal and I went to OA where I found a tremendous amount of support. Lots of people to talk to and help me survive and in the end, thrive. I stayed at home too; but after I divorced I went back to college and got a professional job and at one point was making more money than he was. I never hated him and for our children's sake I never bad-mouthed him to them. He wasn't a bad person. We just grew apart and in the end it was the best thing for both of us. He's not coming back, but your life can actually be better for it. And get over the betrayal and abandonment thoughts. He wanted to leave; if he had told you gradually, or like he did, believe me it still hurts the same. That will lead you down the road to depression and hopelessness. The best advice here is to get an attorney. The judge will probably order that he pay for it. If no one will take your case because you don't have any money, go to the local legal services office. So, heads up and take charge of your life. I never went skiing, traveledto Europe, bought my own house, had lots of boyfriends, graduated from college (twice), until AFTER I was divorced. And I was fat all that time!

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Old 09-23-2009, 08:43 AM   #14  
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<HUGGGGG> - I know this is hard, and you're probably still in shock, but after all of those years of marriage, you need to get a lawyer immediately!! They will help you work out a settlement, where he pays a certain amount each month, he can't just walk away! Also, If he's so afraid of being deported, I would use it against him! He knows you're hurt and he's manipulating you. It doesn't sound like he's coming back, so for your own sake, you should start putting your life back together.
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:09 AM   #15  
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Get a lawyer...don't let him walk all over you....get what is due you. Seek God and pray. It does help and I am not particularly religious.
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