A big hug coming your way. Yes, to the attorney. Yes, to the prayer. Both good advice. The next piece of advice is trite but I have found it to be true. Fake it until you make it. You do all the things you *think* happy people do--healthy people do. How long? Until those things come naturally and the happiness of your spirit comes to surface once again. Make this all about YOU and getting what YOU need for a change. You can do this. Things will get better. One step after another. Just the next step. That's the only thing you need to even think about right now.

I cannot say I know the pain of a divorce or the situation you describe. I have been through some pretty bad crap otherwise though--with lots of crappy people along the way. Hugs to you Sister. --Another Mary

I work for an attorney. You definitely need to see one. Women are not awarded much alimony, if any, in a divorce anymore, thank you women's lib. You need to know your rights and what you can expect if you do end up getting a divorce. If you are disabled, definitely file for disability. It is at least something coming in and after 2 years you will be eligible for Medicare. Keep looking for a job. 51 and overweight doesn't mean you can't find something. I'm 68 and found a part time job 3 years ago and I'm certainly overweight.

I could have written the same story a few years ago, so I do understand your pain. The best advice I can give you is, go to a lawyer, do it right now,this is essential. do it right away. Even though you still love him, you MUST take care of yourself . Please make an appointment, do it today. The lawyer will know what to do.

Hi everyone,

I am so moved by all the supportive replies I've received from all of you. I cried through reading most of them. It's amazing that so many women can relate to what I'm going through after having been through the same thing themselves. That's what I needed to hear. That having been through this grieving process it is still possible to have a productive and happy life. Thanks! I don't feel it for me right now, but it gives me something to hope for.

And I've been praying so much, every day, that I think God is probably tired of hearing from me. But after reading all your replies, I'm thinking that perhaps He has already answered me and I'm just not listening because it's not what I was wanting to hear. But I always did end my prayers with "Your will, not mine, be done."

Again, big thanks and big hugs to all of you who answered my plea, whether you've experienced this or not. Your the best.

mary

While I have never been in your exact situation, I have dealt with a few long relationships ending nastily (one with cheating and him leaving out of nowhere) and the feelings of betrayal, abandonment and confusion that came with it. It was horrible. There is nothing I can really say to you, except that time REALLY does heal. I know you are hurting so bad right now, but I agree with everyone else that you need to go to a lawyer and quit contacting him. Don't let the thought of him possibly being deported stop you from filing for divorce and seeking alimony. That is his problem to deal with and you have enough on your plate. I would also check into disability if that is an option for you. You might qualify for legal aid, so you should consider checking into that.
I know it can be scary to take legal action, especially if you are the one filing for divorce, but it will help in the long run. I am in the middle of a separation from my ex, and taking the steps like filing for a restraining order, child custody, child support, etc, were heart wrenching--but after I did them, it was actually therapeutic because it helped finalize things. Another thing that really helped me through this separation was staying dedicated to losing weight. I had just started a few weeks before we split up, and I was so tempted to go and drown my sorrows in food, but sticking to it has helped motivate me. At least 2 months later I can feel good about being a few sizes smaller, than being even more upset that I gained weight overeating from the breakup. I don't know if there is much I can say to help, but just hang in there. No one ever deserves to have the things said to you that he did. You deserve better!

Situations like these, I grieve, pout, bawl, etc. for awhile, then I figure, I need a PLAN! I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do, and since I had no control over this situation being thrust on me, I'm gonna take the bull by the horns from here, Da&&it!

I know it may seem a daunting task, but, get yourself to a lawyer. There's a lot to sort out. I don't know about where you live, but the state I live in you would be entitled to 1/2 of that 401k! Does he own his truck? Is your name on it? The health insurance ? what about any life insurance, if you're the beneficiary? house? furniture? bank account(s)?

If you feel you might be eligible for disability, check into it, it's money. If you think you might like to go back to college and start a whole new life/career, you need to be talking to financial aid people now, so you can get your ducks in a row for starting 2nd semester.

Most of all keep up with healthy food choices and exercise, and don't sell yourself short, you're worth it!

This really struck a nerve with me! I really hope I don't make you feel any worse but I really do think you should start taking care of you!

So let me get this straight. He gets to leave you but doesn't want to divorce you and wants to keep all the money. So he gets to reap all the benefits of everything and you get nothing!

That sounds like a real deal breaker imho. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I know it really sucks but you really need to take care of you.

He shouldn't be allowed to treat you this way. You should get yourself a good lawyer and look out for your best interests. Don't allow him to walk all over you.

I totally agree with get a lawyer, but I'm surprised I haven't seen everyone also mentioning to talk to a therapist.

I would STRONGLY recommend reaching out to a therapist of some sort. Keep in mind, sometimes you have go through 1 or 2 to really find someone to connect to - but you've been given an opportunity in life right now to find yourself who's been inside - and that is WONDERFUL and someday (probably not today, or in a month, or even 6 months) you might not see it, but you will!

If you have ever waited for a clear indicator of when to "change" anything - you've been handed a golden ticket.

You have a journey ahead of you, but you just need to be brave and use your emotions to fuel your change. It's hard, but it's worth it. You are worth it!!!

Like many of hte women here, I can't relate, but I do feel a sense of community with other women and therefore wanting to protect others.

Use this forum. Really, you can post about anything, even if it's not diet related and even if it seems like it's too personal or whatever.

Seek out a therapist or a clergy person, and also a lawyer. Many work on a sliding fee scale, or have free consults. You are worth it, and if you don't think so, consider your son, too..

As far as your work history, my father lost his job and went back to school as part of a program geared specifically toward getting a job in a certain field in thier town...there's resources out there.

Most of all, know that we are all thinking of you, praying for you, and, well, getting pretty pissed at your ex.

You better get going on the attorney because what are you going to do if he goes back to Canada? The U.S. as far as I know has no jurisdiction over him there; that's why you need an attorney, to tell you things like that. If you file, and you must file first because the person that files first has the advantage e.g. can dictate where the divorce takes place. For example, I lived in CA, and my husband filed in New york, so I had to get an attorney there. He just beat me to the punch and I didn't know anything about the law. Call Social Services in your town and get the number for legal aid at least.

I've been looking for divorce lawyers but it's like they are just a bunch of names and numbers on a page. I know nothing about them. Do I have to go see them all one by one until I find one I like.

I'm so broke. Down to my last few dollars. I haven't received any support yet from last week (it's in the mail) and today is his payday and I hope he sends me some today. I text him yesterday about seeing if he could send me today's (and future) money Wal Mart to Wal Mart so I can get it instantly. I told him he could even take the $11 fee out of my money. But he just wrote back saying he'll see. Sigh...

I hate living like this. The stress. I never expected to be worrying like this at this point of my life. The kids getting their own lives and then he throws me away when things should have been getting easier and better for us...together. I know, life isn't fair. It sure isn't.

I wish I could respond to each and every one of you. I never expected to receive this many responses full of so much support and advice. So much good and helpful information. I'll use all of it I can. Thank you all again. I'll be around more and update you as I can to what's going on with me. I look forward to getting to know all of you better. You're a great bunch.

mary

Hi Mary,
Your story broke my heart, but given all the replies, it sounds like you have alot of support, which is what us girls really need, isn't it? A good cry and a good friend to cry with. I'm just starting my weight loss journey, one that I've tried to start for the last 16 years. So, I'm going to need some encouragement, because I just feel so hopeless when it comes to my weight. I'm a pastor's wife, so it seems as if I'm supposed to be the one with all the answers, so what's my problem? Anyway, I'll watch for your posts, though I don't seem to get to spend too much time on the computer. This is my advice to you: No matter how you 'feel', you ARE worthy, you ARE loved, and you have been created for an amazing purpose in this life. Pour your love into your boys and let God pour His love into you.

I live in California so I don't know about other states but my husband left me and after a time I filed for divorce. He had to pay my attorney's fees.I really understand how you feel I have been there, I never believed my husband would cheat on me. But he did. So take care of yourself , get an attorney. Call around, check out legal aid, there is help for you. My personal reccomendation is do NOT involve your children , adult or otherwise, this is between you and your husband. Talking it over with your children is hurtful and stressful for them.

Many lawyers will give a free 30 min consultation. If you know a few people in your area who are divorced, ask them for recommendation. Otherwise, pick a few out of the yellow pages, that have divorce in their ad and make appts. for free consultation. Then you'll have a point of reference to start with. You can pick one out from there, or meet a few more if you're not comfortable.

I would also compile a list of questions you want to ask, 401k, Canadian issue, property settlement, insurance, alimony, etc.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your continued support and replies. You have given me so many good options and I'm checking into all of them as I can.

I did call Legal Aid and I don't qualify for their help. They said I had to be over 55, have a husband who physically abused me, or have small children and I don't qualify for any of those. That would have been my best choice though.

I've been looking through the list of names of divorce lawyers in my area. I called two that seemed to jump out at me but neither of those offered a free consultation. So I'm going to call a couple more on Monday. The thing about this list of lawyers for my area is that none of them are strictly divorce/family lawyers. A lot of them usually specialize in other areas but also do divorce matters. Some of the ads speak of mediation. That sounds very good and a heck of a lot cheaper. I would just have to work things out being close to my husband and I don't know if I can stand that yet. I still long to be with him so very much. I'd probably cry all the time.

I just wanted to update you and let you know what's happening. I'm still hurting so much. I still love him, or rather who he use to be all the 25 years I knew him. It's just going to be a work in progress. It'll take time.

mary