My biggest goal in this journey is to remain binge-free FOREVER. However, i do plan to have refeed days or "cheat" days or whatever you want to call them, where i am going to eat at or above maintenance and eat foods i wouldn't normally eat. For example, at the end of 30 days, i plan to indulge in a large slice of cake or some sort of dessert. It will be a large amount of food (1000 calories more than my usual) but it won't be a "binge" because i will be in control and it's planned. However, I feel like i don't want to do this in front of my roommates...i don't want them to see me pigging out. I want to enjoy it alone. Do you think if it's something i'm ashamed of doing, then maybe there is a reason that i shouldn't be doing it???? I know a big sign of binge eating disorder is the secrecy of it.
I wouldn't consider a planned and controlled meal a binge. When I think of a binge, I think of going into the kitchen and tearing into all sorts of stuff. I don't think you should be ashamed of a "splurge" meal that you've planned at all.
I don't think a "pig out" should be necessary in a healthy lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in splurging.. like having a meal or dessert, whatever, that isn't "waistline friendly." But planning something that you'd be ashamed of other people seeing doesn't seem good. You shouldn't want to stuff your face.
I don't think a "pig out" should be necessary in a healthy lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in splurging.. like having a meal or dessert, whatever, that isn't "waistline friendly." But planning something that you'd be ashamed of other people seeing doesn't seem good. You shouldn't want to stuff your face.
This is kind of the answer i was afraid of. If i were to eat a burger and fries worth 1000 calories, that would seem acceptable to most people (as a cheat meal). But i'd rather spend those calories on like 2 pieces of cake, or 5 cookies...and i feel like that seems more binge-like and abnormal.
However, I feel like i don't want to do this in front of my roommates...i don't want them to see me pigging out.
To me, your word choice is telling. You described it as "pigging out." That's not a metaphor that people use when they're describing enjoying a leisurely, pleasurable meal that is a well-earned treat. When people us that term, they are usually describing a sort of mindless, fast, animalistic kind of gobbling-down. Which, in my book, is what a binge is.
And yes, I can testify that one can binge in public, though it's an uncomfortable sensation. While doing it, I felt as if I were committing a crime in broad daylight. And I acted elaborately casual. I was eating with people who usually eat a lot, in a great quantity, and who'd been urging me for a while to eat the way they did. Let me tell you, I earned a lot of praise & encouragement from them for finally loosening up & enjoying myself. And this was the first time I ever threw up after a binge. Not deliberately, either. I stuffed myself so heavily & so quickly that my stomach did not know what the heck was going on, and so I had to get up & run from the table & I lost it in the ladies' room at the restaurant. (It was a famous New England inn & a whole busload of people from Texas or somewhere in the Deep South were there eating, also, and they were so very nice to me in the ladies' room. "There, there. That food is rich." I felt like crying. I felt so alone, like such a freak, since nobody around me had a clue about what had happened, except for me.)
For me, going into the binge while eating is a very discernible, physical sensation, like feeling a car lose traction & skid. I get a feeling of overexcitement; that's the best word I can think of. I'll bet it's like someone becoming manic. Everything gets speeded-up, frantic. This can even happen when I'm having a meal one-on-one with someone. If could, I would definitely drag the food off into a cave to be alone with it & behave badly with it. But if I can't, then yes, I'm capable of doing it with lots of witnesses nearby, while trying to conceal my excitement as best I can.
To me, your word choice is telling. You described it as "pigging out." That's not a metaphor that people use when they're describing enjoying a leisurely, pleasurable meal that is a well-earned treat. When people us that term, they are usually describing a sort of mindless, fast, animalistic kind of gobbling-down. Which, in my book, is what a binge is.
And yes, I can testify that one can binge in public, though it's an uncomfortable sensation. While doing it, I felt as if I were committing a crime in broad daylight. And I acted elaborately casual. I was eating with people who usually eat a lot, in a great quantity, and who'd been urging me for a while to eat the way they did. Let me tell you, I earned a lot of praise & encouragement from them for finally loosening up & enjoying myself. And this was the first time I ever threw up after a binge. Not deliberately, either. I stuffed myself so heavily & so quickly that my stomach did not know what the heck was going on, and so I had to get up & run from the table & I lost it in the ladies' room at the restaurant. (It was a famous New England inn & a whole busload of people from Texas or somewhere in the Deep South were there eating, also, and they were so very nice to me in the ladies' room. "There, there. That food is rich." I felt like crying. I felt so alone, like such a freak, since nobody around me had a clue about what had happened, except for me.)
For me, going into the binge while eating is a very discernible, physical sensation, like feeling a car lose traction & skid. I get a feeling of overexcitement; that's the best word I can think of. I'll bet it's like someone becoming manic. Everything gets speeded-up, frantic. This can even happen when I'm having a meal one-on-one with someone. If could, I would definitely drag the food off into a cave to be alone with it & behave badly with it. But if I can't, then yes, I'm capable of doing it with lots of witnesses nearby, while trying to conceal my excitement as best I can.
I think you are right. I have the wrong attitude toward food. I do get that feeling of overexcitement/franticness when i'm about to sit down to a large dose of sugar. And i know the shame you are talking about when i do this in front of people.
I'm going to try to change this. It will be a slow change though. My first goal is to cut out binging, which i define as huge, uncontrolled and unplanned meals. But still allow myself to "pig out" on sugar in a planned, controlled manner (ONLY once in a while). The next step will be to get rid of the "pigging out" mentality and to learn to eat in a rational manner. But i'm taking it step by step.
When you picture sitting down with 2 pieces of cakes or a pile of cookies, does that look appealing to you? Maybe instead of bringing it home and hiding yourself.. you can go out to "treat" yourself. Maybe go to a really good bakery and get a slice of cake there and really enjoy it. I used to be a baker and work in a french patisserie and the desserts we made were... rich and buttery. But people came in a ordered their favourite thing, sat down with some coffee, and enjoyed the flavour.
I think that picture looks better than going to the supermarket, buying mediocre cake or mass produced cookies and pigging out alone in a bedroom.
I honestly don't mean to come off as harsh, but that's what text does and I'm only trying to give reason. I too struggled with binging for a long time and I just don't want to see you think that "pigging out" and having "planned binges" as a reward. I know from personal experience that it's a one step backward, not a reward. But I repeat, I believe in "splurging" from time to time.
When you picture sitting down with 2 pieces of cakes or a pile of cookies, does that look appealing to you? Maybe instead of bringing it home and hiding yourself.. you can go out to "treat" yourself. Maybe go to a really good bakery and get a slice of cake there and really enjoy it. I used to be a baker and work in a french patisserie and the desserts we made were... rich and buttery. But people came in a ordered their favourite thing, sat down with some coffee, and enjoyed the flavour.
I think that picture looks better than going to the supermarket, buying mediocre cake or mass produced cookies and pigging out alone in a bedroom.
I honestly don't mean to come off as harsh, but that's what text does and I'm only trying to give reason. I too struggled with binging for a long time and I just don't want to see you think that "pigging out" and having "planned binges" as a reward. I know from personal experience that it's a one step backward, not a reward. But I repeat, I believe in "splurging" from time to time.
No you are right. I guess even though i have been "binge free" for 18 days now, i still have that binging mentality. I have to admit that one small piece of cake doesn't do it for me i want a LARGE piece. I guess i feel like if i allow myself a mini-binge once in a while, at least it's a step in the right direction (having had huge binges every day for god knows how long). But until i cure myself of that mentality, i'm not cured.
Could it be two cookies, eaten slowly, instead of five?
Does it have to be five?
And could you put them on a plate. And make yourself a cup of tea or coffee, too. Make it a small celebratory occasion.
There's nothing weird about a person sitting down with two cookies on a plate & a cup of tea, and chatting with a friend, and eating slowly, enjoying herself. I've seen normal people do this a lot at Starbucks & at patisseries. (Normal people who aren't like me. ;-)
I don't think either spontaneity or premeditation necessarily defines what is or is not a binge, just like I don't think you have to be alone to be bingeing.
It's a feeling, a state of mind, as well as an action.
I think it's **not** a binge when you are calm. When you eat slowly & you are very much present & you are focused on the experience & you know what is happening inside you. And that you stop when you feel that you're done. And -- this is important, very important -- your focus naturally shifts. Once you've had the food, you kind of, well, forget it. You move on. You have other pleasures to look forward to. Your mind doesn't get stuck circling around a new obsession. The food doesn't linger in your mind, where you think, "Oh, I need more, more, more. I can't wait till I get this again." You don't start getting annoyed with the person across from you because they're distracting you & because all you can think about is the food you just had.
Yah, I have felt all those things, and that's why I know what a binge is. My mind & body are pretty clear on that point. I've at least got a really good smoke detector installed in me for that stuff.
If you can have the kind of calm experience I've described, you won't need "big" or "lots" to have a moment of pleasure. And you can move on afterward. It's a good feeling, when you can just move on.
Saef--thanks, i agree with everything you said. I guess i am just trying to set my goals low. I guess i can't get rid of the fantasy of sitting down to a LARGE plate of sugar and eating it like you said--like a fix, a drug. And instead of quitting cold turkey, i'm going to cut it down to once a month, or something like that. I guess i should at least admit that this is still an unhealthy behavior. And reduce the frequency.
I think if you pay attention to yourself, and to what you are feeling, and are honest about what you're noticing in yourself, then you are on your way to identifying when it's about to hit. And knowing that is one step toward getting better. (The next step is figuring out how to stop yourself.)
Good luck, because I think that your posting here & talking about this was a really, really smart move on your part. You wanted a reality check. Maybe part of you wanted to be stopped.
Most of us can't stop bingeing overnight but we can at least give it a good fight & get better over time at fighting it.
I think if you pay attention to yourself, and to what you are feeling, and are honest about what you're noticing in yourself, then you are on your way to identifying when it's about to hit. And knowing that is one step toward getting better. (The next step is figuring out how to stop yourself.)
Good luck, because I think that your posting here & talking about this was a really, really smart move on your part. You wanted a reality check. Maybe part of you wanted to be stopped.
Most of us can't stop bingeing overnight but we can at least give it a good fight & get better over time at fighting it.
Thanks again! I did need a reality check. I do think i'm making progress, but i still need help.
In a word...yes, it is still the same basic principle that applies to binging. Binges are often planned anyway - the whole process of shopping for binge food, feeling giddy and excited about it, like you would for a party.
Have you tried having sugar in moderation lately? It sounds like you still have it on a pedestal or treat it like a drug. I am the same way; I sit at work in awe that my (very thin, none over a size 2) coworkers can have bags of chocolate at their desks and don't eat it all. Having a casual ice cream cone on a warm day with friends doesn't feel casual because I crave another one as soon as I take the first bite.
My mom always threw a cheesy saying around when I was growing up; she'd eat something tasty (usually sugary) and say "mm, tastes like more." I think maybe in your case, a controlled pig-out session would result in a very painful withdrawal period, and a playing-with-fire closeness to losing control.
I realized this morning when i was eating breakfast that it's not just the "planned binge" that i'm embarrassed of...i'm embarrassed to eat my large breakfast in front of my roommates too (usually they are still sleeping). I get up at 5:00 to work out and then i come home and eat breakfast which is my largest meal, usually 600-700 calories. An example would be steel cut oats (150 cal), 2 eggs (140 cal), 2/3 cup full fat greek yogurt (200 cal), and a large bowl of vegetables w/ a tablespoon of butter (100 cal). I think all of that is healthy and it totally works with my plan...but it seems like a huge amount of food! I am always glad my roommates are still sleeping. In fact sometimes i am grateful that i'm not dating anyone because he would think it's weird that i eat so much. Maybe it stems back to my mom criticizing everything i ate when i was a teenager...who knows.
I plan my meals so it can seem like i am eating a lot, for very few calories. So even small meals i am embarrassed about! My dinners are always light, around 400 calories: for example, i might eat a chicken thigh (200 cal), 2 pieces of cheese (140 cal), and some raw veggies (don't count those calories), and a small apple (60 cal). And i am even embarrassed to be seen eating that multiple-course meal in front of my roommates.
And i could go on and on...also embarrassed to be seen eating a snack every 3 hours at work, etc. etc.
I am always glad my roommates are still sleeping. In fact sometimes i am grateful that i'm not dating anyone because he would think it's weird that i eat so much. Maybe it stems back to my mom criticizing everything i ate when i was a teenager...who knows.
I don't think a boyfriend would think your eating is weird, and if he did--well, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Most people probably don't even notice what you eat, unless they are hungry or interested in the recipe because they think it looks good. I think you are right about your fears having to do with the past things your mom said.
My mom has started saying things to me, now that I've put on weight (she may be referring to my occasional binge episodes), like "Watch out, or she'll eat all of it!" or "don't eat it all." It's driving me nuts. Its interesting that she can be so insensitive--but she struggled with her weight when she was younger, and probably heard stuff like that--so I think she's kinda taking it out on me, since I have never been overweight before.
Another possible thing you could do to treat yourself on your binge day, is to try a new food that you've never had before, but were curious about. I tried bbq'd oysters the other day, and I am so glad I did. Or, you could get something special that you wouldn't be able to make on your own, like Thai food or Indian food. There are a lot of interesting deserts out there--and not all of them put on pounds--although they may cause you to lose "pounds" from your wallet, if you go somewhere really good. Of course, you seem uncomfortable with eating in front of others, but maybe you could get something to go and just enjoy it in the park--or you could invite a friend out.
does hiding it make it a binge?
i want a LARGE piece. I guess i feel like if i allow myself a mini-binge once in a while, at least it's a step in the right direction (having had huge binges every day for god knows how long). But until i cure myself of that mentality, i'm not cured.
