Toilet Lipstick! EWW!!
 

Very funny, and: "Eeeeeewwww"!!! :rofl:

:lol3: Hysterical!

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Smart woman!

:lol3: :rofl:

What a genius!!! :wizard:

How a woman prepares for her 20th.....30th....40th? Class Reunion


I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on
a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra
weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek,
trim, high-school-girl body. The last many years of careful
cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.
I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably
fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment
bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric,
and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror,
sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the
back..." bodies never have pockets where you need them. Bravely,
I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and
stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and
pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees...before
the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that
dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the
night away. Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for
this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it
into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black velvet caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug
store: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting
shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine
enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene
ads. Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here"
firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting
moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day "kiss me
till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off"
lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow... But
first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles
shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower,
soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and
scoured my body to a tingling pink.

I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle,
gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face
cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready
to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear.

With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled
out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham
hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like
they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the
scented body lotion and began the plunge.

I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted,
shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar
crawled, and kicked.

Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look
bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my
body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a
trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?" Okay,
so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't
move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But, I was firm!

Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap
crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready
to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain
factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had
answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.
I was ready for the bra and remembered what the saleslady said to
do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra
in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it
should be worn--straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and
gently place both breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms
into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the
boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and
while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a
strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble
them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while
bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and
toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing,
pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.

Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for
examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced
the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, "Yes,
Houston, we have lift up!" My breasts were high, firm and there
was cleavage!

I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest and I
couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and
shoes. Oh...why did I buy heels with buckles? Then I had to pee
again.

I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and
skipped the reunion.


IF THIS DID NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD LAUGH - YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!

That's great, Sweetnsassy. :rofl:

:lol: good ones

Games For When We Are Older....
 

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1.. Sag, you're It.
2.. Hide and go pee.
3.. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4.. Kick the bucket
5.. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6.. Musical recliners.
7.. Simon says something incoherent.
8.. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

a.. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
b.. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
c.. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1.. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2.. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3.. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4.. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5.. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
6.. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra..
a.. Hard to Find
b.. Supportive
c.. Comfortable
d.. And Always Close To Your Heart!

People over 30 should be dead. Here's why ..........



According to today's regulators and bureaucrats,
those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's,
or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have
survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright
colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids
on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat
belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup
truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a
bottle.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda
pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight
because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one
bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would
spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and
then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot
the brakes. After running into the bushes a few
times, we learned to solve the problem..

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the street lights came
on. No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes,
no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable,
video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell
phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms

We had friends! We went outside and found them. We
played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would
really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke
bones and
teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these
accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame
but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black
and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and
ate worms, and although we were told it would
happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did
the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and
knocked on the door, or rang the bell or! Just
walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the
team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with
disappointment. We didn't need Therapy and
depression medications because we Sucked. We Got
Over It.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they
failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same
grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any
reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were
expected. Spankings were given. Not timeouts. What
The **** does a Time Out prove!! I do a bad
thing... I get a red ***... I think twice about
doing it again. The idea of a parent bailing us out
if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best
risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're
one of them! Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck
to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government
regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!

People under 30 are WIMPS!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Dead BMW...(blonde)
 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,

"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,

"How often do I have to do that?" :lol:

Speeding Ticket...