Another good one Noodles!! :encore:

:rofl:

:lol3:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he > >>notices a > > >> > sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > >> > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION > > >> > 10 MILES > > >> > He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....
.Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > >> > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION > > >> > 5 MILES > > >> > > > >> > Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real...
.Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > >> > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION > > >> > NEXT RIGHT > > >> > > > >> > His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...
.On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > >> > > > >> > He climbs the steps and rings the bell .. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." .... "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door" He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door .....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway" He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. > > >> > YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED > > >> > BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. > > >> > SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds"
in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic
cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys
them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks
into the house and says to his wife: "Notice
anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom,
undresses, and walks back into the room completely
naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE
IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!".
To which Bessie replies,
"Shouldabought a hat, Ray. You shouldabought a hat

Originally Posted by DonnaD:
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

I smell a fund raising event in the air! :rofl: LOVE IT!

Chris

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the **** out of you.

Men are like ....... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they
are.

Men are like ....... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ....... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ....... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite
sure why.

Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head
right for your hips.

Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ....... Department Stores ......Their clothes are always 1/2
off.

Men are like ....... Government Bonds ......They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like ....... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.

Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ....... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are handicapped

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams



" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns

A Bear Story...

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One
thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue,
"Oi wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Oi fund him Oi began
to read to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So Oi quick grrabbed
me holy water, sprinkled him, and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him furst communion and confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO!
He wanted NOTHING to do with me So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An'
jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision

Donna you just got coffee all over my keyboard, these are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

:lol3: :rofl:

Chris

Loved these Donna! Men are like blenders (could I make smoothies with them, I wonder? (I’m thinking: yes! :lol: )) and chocolate bars – oh, yes – they *are* sweet, smooth and head right for your hips! :lol3:

Great ones Donna. :lol3:

The lady, was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gent, was in the pew right behind her and he noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gent couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady
up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gent looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said our circumspect fine
example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gent was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a
smoke?"

"Oh my!, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did?"

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ..ummmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gent couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gent awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the **** have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, What ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady gave him a lecherously tempting smile and said, "The same thing I always tell them... "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time! ;)

AMEN SISTAH :angel:!!!!!!! :lol:

Chris

Bubbas Toilet Brush!!